Guys, Girls, Nowhere
by Lioness Black
Summary: [Complete] High school's the same, even when you've changed. Sequel to Friends. Changes. Together. Alone.
1. Chapter One: Sunny

Title: Guys. Girls. Nowhere.  
Author: Lioness Black   
Rating: PG-13   
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just good fun.  
Feedback: I love to hear back from my readers. I like praise as much as the next person, but please feel free to give me criticism where you find fit. However, if you do not like my story for any reason, all I ask is that you tell me why, as opposed to simply telling me you don't like it.  
Summary: High school's the same, even when you've changed. Sequel to Friends. Changes. Together. Alone. 

Chapter One: Sunny

9/21

Study Hall. I love study hall, it gives me a chance to write when I don't have time in the rest of life. I mean, how much time am I supposed to have between homework (the load is much worse now that we're "officially" in high school), working at the store (SO glad Dad reinstated my full pay when school started), and trying to be a normal teenager by hanging out with my friends?

But now there are things to think about. Here's an outline:

A. My birthday. We have just over a month until Sunny turns 15. I haven't talked about it with friends yet, but I think this calls for a PARTY.

I. Should I expect a surprise party or just start planning with Dawn and Ducky?

II. Should I really expect something from Dad? He busies himself like crazy with work, I guess to keep from thinking about Mom. I know that it's still something I think about, but I try not to let it get me down. It's weird too, what Dad and I have become. We're sort of settling into this strange pattern. We're not the family we were, just minus Mom. We're a new family. A Dad and Sunny family. I don't think I'd want to be the same family anyway.

B. is for BOYS. Since all the guys at Vista think I'm a total slut because one prick thought it would be cool to spread rumors about me, getting a date is harder than ever (since most of the guys who ask me out now only want one thing that this girl just isn't giving out). So I need to consider my options.

I. Go out with guys from Palo High. My so called reputation couldn't have spread that far, could it? But then I might just be a traitor for going out with the "enemy." I hate sports rivalries.

II. Don't go out with guys at all and spend the rest of high in a dateless wasteland. No. Not going to work. Even if I have to sponge off of Ducky and tag along on his dates with Justin (which I would never do), I'm going out.

III. Don't go out with guys but instead sit around thinking about Mr. Rutherford. This is an idea I could go along with. Who wouldn't want to daydream about Mr. Hunky? Sure, he's my bio teacher (why didn't I take bio last year?), but he's only like 25, with gorgeous brown hair and blue eyes. Okay, the reading glasses are kind of dorky, but when he takes them off, it's more than worth the wait.

The only problem with that one is that it totally cuts into having an actual social life and I don't know if I'm good for that. Unlike my friends, I LIKE going out and drinking and having a good time.

If it were up to Dawn, we'd spend every night in watching The Parent Trap. Noooo thank you. Give me wild parties! Maybe not that wild, since "wild" usually has me puking in the bushes or getting us caught without seats in a moving vehicle by the police. So maybe just parties.

I need to remember to casually drop hints about my birthday. I started this morning when Ducky drove me and Dawn to school. It's out of his way, but he offered. Walking, or have Ducky drive us? Hmmm, you decide.

Amalia couldn't come with us to school since she's always getting rides with Brendan and his mom. She goes over to his house everyday before school and sees his Dad. I can sympathize. She doesn't seem to mind that it takes up a lot of her time, especially when she's already so busy.

I guess she sees things that I couldn't. I mean, it's not even her relative and she takes so much time to be with him. She even quit her job because they weren't giving her enough time to be with him and his family. When Mom was dying I couldn't be inconvenienced like that. When I'm around Amalia I try not be a huge reminder that my mom died from the same kind of cancer his Dad has, but I have to be a big neon sign flashing "PEOPLE DIE FROM LUNG CANCER ALL THE TIME!"

I feel REALLY uncomfortable around Brendan.

Ducky invited Maggie too, but she decided to get a ride with the chauffeur, which is so unlike her, I wonder what's up, but I don't just ask people things outright. Okay, yes I do, but for some reason I didn't. She's SO busy right now. Of course some record label wants to sign on Vanish right when school's about to start. She must be freaking out.

I know I'm freaking out about school this year too, since this is when it starts to really get important on what your grades are. Double that, since I almost failed the 8th grade from skipping so much.

Anyway, I'm sitting in the front seat next to Ducky and Dawn is in the back. I strike up conversation.

"So, how are things going with Justin?" I ask.

"Great," Ducky replies.

He hasn't told me much about what goes on between the two of them since he told us (or, I weasled it out of him) that they were having oral sex. I don't know if they've gone all the way or what, but they look really cute in the halls. They aren't really "out" out, I guess, since they don't hold hands or kiss by their lockers like some people, but you can just TELL. They have a closeness.

Not that everyone doesn't know that they're gay and dating since James Kodaly went around and told everyone the day school started. But they don't seem to want to draw attention to themselves. Which is understandable since Cro-Mags picked on Ducky before. They don't need more ammo.

Ducky looks in his review mirror at Dawn. "What about you and Christian?"

"Good," she says. "I still haven't met his parents. And then Christian is turning 16 in November so Dad is freaking out that I'll want to go on car dates. Like Christian and I have been going out on a lot of dates anyway. Usually it's just hanging out with everyone."

"Speaking of birthdays in November," I said, "I know of someone who has one coming up."

"Really?" Dawn asked, with so obvious fake curiosity. "Whose?"

"Mine and you know it," I said. Okay, so I wasn't subtle. And I totally just changed tenses. When did that happen? When did I notice? ENGLISH CLASS IS TAKING OVER MY BRAIN!

I'm a nerd.

"Oh yeah," she replied. "What do you want?"

Good grades. A million dollars. A personal assistant. A hot boyfriend who doesn't just want me because I'm supposedly easy. Johnny Depp preferably.

"I don't know," I said. "Maybe some new CDs?"

Ducky groaned. "We're not going to get you CDs. You get CDs for people that you only semi-know."

"Is that why I got a CD from you and Amalia both for Christmas last year?" I asked.

"Exactly. This year, though, we have no excuses. You are going to get real gifts. Thoughtful gifts. Not just "Oh my god, I have to get someone something, let me get them this CD.""

"Get through my birthday first," I said. "Then we'll talk Christmas."

"Deal," Ducky said.

"Speaking of, don't you have a birthday coming up before mine?"

"What?"

"You've been 16 as long as I've known you. You have to have a birthday coming up even before mine."

"Oh, yeah," he said. "September 30th."

WHAT? Why didn't he bring it up? I mean, my birthday isn't until the beginning of November and his is less than 10 days away and he hasn't spoken of it? Is turning 17 that devastating? I hope not.

"Well, what do YOU want?" Dawn asked.

"We're here!" Ducky exclaimed cheerfully. Fake cheerfully, I might add. Not at all like his normal self. Something is going on here and I don't know what it is. I hope he's okay, though. I get worried about Ducky because you know he's feeling all of this stuff and he never talks about it.

Maybe he talks about it with Justin.

It's sort of weird for me, since both of my best friends have boyfriends now. Things that they might have come to me for, they go to them now. Actually, I'm the only person I know (well, know closely) that doesn't have a boyfriend.

Dawn and Christian. Ducky and Justin. Maggie and Tyler. Amalia and Brendan. Sunny and...? No one. Not a single person.

I guess dating around can really kill your social life.

Bell. Gotta go.

After School.

I should be doing my homework right now. I'm in the middle of it, actually. I came straight home and did bio.

AM SO INTO MR. RUTHERFORD. He's funny too. So much of our class is learning about reproduction and stuff, even though technically, our sex ed is Health class (which we took last year), he keeps comparing animals to humans in parallels of sexuality. He's always cracking jokes (dirty ones!) during class.

He's by far the coolest teacher I have.

Especially since I have Mrs. Krueger this year. Great. She's such a dork, I don't know how to express it. But I have to appreciate her, since she's actually really nice. I hate it when grown ups are nice.

Mr. Rutherford is not a grown up. He's an adult, and is very cool. He's the kind of adult I want to be someday. And I don't think anyone would have a problem with that.

He knows who I am too. I'm Sunny Winslow, freshman. No one should know who I am. But he does. As I was leaving class today, he said, "See you tomorrow, Sunny."

I about fainted. How great is it that my teacher knows who I am? He see 500 students a day and he called me out by name.

Crushes on teachers are such a waste since you KNOW nothing will ever come of it. I shouldn't be putting my energy into it. I should work on my homework, think about having a small get together for Ducky (since he seems so weird about his birthday, I don't think a big party is what he would want), and think about maybe checking out the Palo High guys. They can't be THAT bad, can they?

Doubtful. Highly doubtful.


	2. Chapter Two: Justin

Chapter Two: Justin 

It's September twenty-third. It's Thursday.

I decided since Chris writes in his journal religiously, that I should probably take time to do it too. However, that longhand crap is for the birds. I'll take my computer. Sure, I can't sneak my hefty desktop around with me at school like I could a notebook, but this is so much easier. Chris takes his journal with him everywhere. One time we were out for pizza and I went to the bathroom. When I came back he was writing in his journal.

I have to admit, I'm often tempted to look inside it, but I couldn't do that. I've broken his trust enough times in the two months we've been dating (without his knowing it), I don't need to add more guilt on top of it.

I saw Mom today for about forty-five seconds. I was leaving for school this morning and she was just coming into the house.

Hi Mom, I said.

She looked at me like she didn't know who I was. It took her a moment to register my face. Hey, Justin. Going to school?

Yup.

Good. I'll see you... when I see you.

See you.

That was it. I left. She went inside. When I got home, she was gone. I knew exactly what she had done too. She took a shower, threw all of her clothes from the past, oh, two weeks or so on her bed, exchanged them out for clean ones and left me a note to take her clothes to the dry cleaner for her. She'd pick them up herself.

She won't and a week from now the dry cleaners will call me to get them. I might as well not even wait for them to call. It would be a waste of their time.

I found out something cool today, though. Vista has a Gay-Straight Alliance. I have to face facts. Though I wondered at one time if it was just Chris I was into, I'm really bi. I mean, I love Chris. There's no mistaking it. But I am attracted to other guys. And girls. And sometimes, I don't know how to deal with that.

I've never been in a serious relationship before. Nancy didn't care if I went out with other girls (though she did have a serious problem when I wanted to date guys). Maggie, well, nothing happened there, though things are still kind of weird between us. And Rena from freshman year, she very openly cheated on me.

So, all in all, I have no idea what I'm doing.

That's why I think I should join the GSA. Maybe if I'm around other people who could be dealing with the same stuff I am, it would be easier to deal with. I want Chris to join with me, but... he's even less sure on his sexuality than I am. Which is probably why we haven't gone past kissing (though nice, open mouth, really enjoyable kissing) since that night.

Not that I haven't seriously wanted to.

Today, after school I came up behind him when he was looking into his locker. I rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned against the closed lockers next to him. Hey.

He turned to me and smiled. Hey.

We haven't gotten to a confidence point of being anymore psychical than that in the halls. Or at least he hasn't. I'd kiss him all day if I thought I could get away with it. But since I can't, I'll follow his lead.

How was your day? I asked.

Chris made a face and then smiled. OK. Yours?

About the same. But guess what I found out.

What?

Vista has a GSA. I was thinking that maybe, you know, we could join. I waited for a reaction. He was obviously thinking about it.

He has these amazing eyes. You can look into them and see the depths of his soul and know that you'll never get to see it all, it's so big. And sometimes, I can look into them and just know what he's thinking. And then there are times when I look into them, and I can't see anything. Like I'm groping around in the dark. Like he's so disconnected from himself that I can't get in either. I worry so much about him when his eyes get like that.

And there were like that just then.

Why? he asked. Any reason why?

I dunno. I just thought it might be something we could do together, I said. There's not really anything that's just something for us to do together. You know. Like a couple thing.

I felt my face go red.

Chris smiled, his eyes growing warm again. I'll think about it, he said. If you want, you can go ahead and join. Maybe I'll come in later.

OK, I replied. I guess that was better than nothing.

Amalia came running up to us. Justin, we have - oh, hey, Ducky - we have to have a practice tonight. Rainah is coming out Saturday to hear us play at the garage. She's going to get a few recordings, just to hear how you guys sound on tape. Of course, we'll sound better in a studio and on CD, but that won't be for a bit. Anyway, we want to make sure we're sounding fresh, is that okay?

What time tonight? I asked.

Ummm, four-thirty? Is that okay with you?

I looked at Chris and he shrugged. I thought about it. The GSA met right after school, and, well... I could go to the next meeting.

Sure, I told Amalia. That works for me.

Great. Then that makes everyone, she said.

How are you doing? Chris asked her.

Busy, she said, smiling. But you know me, that's how I like it. Are you going to, no, you're not coming to practice you have work. I knew that.

He nodded.

I still wasn't used to the school schedule. All through August, Chris worked mornings, and we spent all afternoon and evening together. And would usually end up sleeping over at one or the other's house. Usually at mine since it's usually empty otherwise and while his house is often empty as well, his older brother has a tendency to come in at just the wrong time.

Now he was working afternoons and evenings and spending the night at each other's houses was trimmed to weekends. It sucked.

I looked around the hall. Amalia was walking away. There wasn't anyone else around. So I decided to be bold.

I slid my arm around Chris's waist, slipping my fingers just under his shirt, brushing against the skin of his back. He flinched slightly at the touch, but turned his head to me and smiled.

I kissed him, and he kissed me back for just an moment. Then he pulled away.

I'll see you tomorrow, ok?

I sighed. Yeah. See you.

Chris slammed closed his locker and left.

I know he doesn't think What Can I Do to Frustrate the Hell Out of my Boyfriend? But sometimes it seems that way. Why can't we just be together like normal people?

I hate this feeling that he's always going to shut me out from a part of him. And there's nothing I can do about it.


	3. Chapter Three: Dawn

Chapter Three: Dawn 

September 24th

I don't know if there's been a time in my life when things have been this perfect. I know that things aren't perfect, but this is the closest I've gotten. It kind of selfish, for things to be going so right. Which is so like it sort of makes me sick.

For the first time since Mrs. Winslow died, I feel like I really have Sunny back. Out fight(s) have been over for months, but now that I'm not expecting "old Sunny" to come popping out, I can be a better friend.

For the first time EVER, I have a boyfriend. Christian is wonderful. Okay, so we don't have a lot in common. He plays music (I'm doing good at carrying a tune) and he's into those "adult" cartoons that I don't find all that funny. But we both like scary movies and books, and somehow we never run out of things to talk about. Mostly about school.

We don't have any classes together, being in different grades, and we both have our own groups of friends, so we don't usually just run into each other. We have to plan things. Or seek each other out, which is what Christian did today.

"Hey, Dawn, what are you doing tonight?"

"Going over to Sunny's to do homework and make some plans for Ducky's birthday," I replied. I smiled as he took my hand. We walked down the hall.

"Oh, okay." He smiled, but I could tell he was disappointed, so I said, "Since it's Friday, I don't have to be home until eleven. We could do something this evening."

That was true, but if I told Dad I was going out with Christian, I'd have to do some work. Dad doesn't like him very much. "A bad feeling" he calls it when he can't pinpoint an exact reason why. Carol, who adores Christian, is the only reason I'm allowed to see him. Every once in a while we get into debates (or fights, as most people call them) about car dates, even though that's not something we'll have to worry about that until January when Christian turns 16.

"I don't want you to cut your night short with Sunny," he was saying. "I just thought we could spend the evening together since I'll be busy with the band tomorrow."

I knew that, though, since he's spent every Saturday with the band since he joined last month.

I don't know how I feel about it still. The band of undetermined name (Christian's nickname for it) is made up of 18 and 19 year olds who SHOULD be in college, but aren't. Christian is the youngest member. I don't know, for some reason that three year age difference between Maggie and Vanish seems less than with Christian and the guys in the band.

Maybe because it's MY age difference.

"Well, maybe we could hang out Sunday? Just for the afternoon or something," Christian was saying.

"Sounds great," I said.

"If your dad lets you, right?" His tone was meant to be light, but I can tell he doesn't like it that Dad doesn't like him.

"Whatever," I replied, waving my free hand. "It's not like I'm his only daughter." That was meant to sound light too, but it didn't come out that way.

"Yeah, but you're the only one who's dating age. And dating a guy he doesn't like."

"Well, who knows what Gracie will be into. Maybe she'll like biker guys with tattoos on their butts." I giggled at the thought of my baby sister on the back of some guy's motorcycle. "Then we can look back on this time in his eldest daughter's life and fix his mistakes. Like his judgement of guys. Really, it's fine. If he says no, Carol will say yes and convince him to say yes too."

Right now I should either be doing homework or talking to Sunny about food, but I can't really stop thinking about Christian. I don't know how I feel about being THIS consumed. I said that to Sunny and she laughed at me.

I don't see what's so funny. I said that too and she told me that I have no sense of humor.

Maybe I'm naive, well, I know I am, but I don't see what she finds so funny, and I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me.

"There's nothing wrong with you," Sunny said, finally being normal. "You're just in a new relationship. OF COURSE you're thinking about him all the time."

I relaxed a little. I'm new to this whole dating thing. And it's so weird, dating a guy who pursued ME. I've never had that before.

I was thinking about Travis. When I lived in Stoneybrook, he was all into me, or at least I thought he was. But he just wanted someone to follow him around and tell him how great he was. And someone he could boss around and tell them how they could change to suit HIM better. Back then that age difference seemed so HUGE. Like this big gaping hole. Now, not so much. Still kind of weird, four years, but not unheard of.

But what I think about more is the way Christian likes me for me, and doesn't want me to change. Or does he?

I've never thought of myself as insecure, but maybe I am.

9:15 PM

Stuff List   
-Two cakes. One sugary mass and one all natural carrot cake.  
-Decorations? Streamers. Nothing too fancy  
-Silly party hats. Ducky's totally into that.

Guest List  
Me, Sunny, Amalia, Maggie, Brendan, Justin, Christian, Bruce, Rico, Patti... anyone else?

Sorry to jot all this down in my journal, but I needed it somewhere I wouldn't lose it. Sunny and I decided on having just a small party, since Ducky seems so weird about his birthday. We talked about that and came to no conclusion. But you don't turn 17 everyday, so Ducky is getting a party.

I don't know what to get him. I thought about getting him a CD, but then I remembered us talking earlier this week about not getting CDs for people you know well. Maybe a cool shirt? Ducky loves clothes. I don't think he could really have too many.

Oh, I casually mentioned going out with Christian on Sunday during dinner. Well, not that casually since Dad asked me, "What are your plans this weekend?"

"Nothing tomorrow," I replied. "And Sunday I'm going out with Christian."

Dad frowned. "Don't you think you're seeing a lot of him? You see him everyday at school."

"Not really. We both have different classes and different lunch periods." I tried to keep things casual and not get defensive. I took a bite of salad.

"Well, that's a school night, so you'll need to be in-"

"Jack," Carol said. It was a gentle enough, but Dad got the message: Lay off.

Dad busied himself with his dinner.

I got off the hook pretty easy. Thank you, Carol.

In other news, I called Maggie about an hour ago. She sounded stressed. Well, more stressed than usual. Maggie is always stressed.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah, I am. I'm just... I think I'm stretching myself too thin." She paused while I was slightly horrified at the phrase she used. "Don't worry, though," she added hastily, "I'm eating. I'm finding time for that."

"Okay," I replied.

"No, really, just between everything that's going on with Vanish, and all this homework, and Inner Vistas, and work. I hardly even have time to write in my journal. And you know how important that is to me, let alone required for school."

"They'll never know," I said.

"Sure they will. Somehow, they always know."

"Good point. Well, just try and write like once a week?"

"I'll try, but I just come home exhausted every night."

"I think you can handle it, Maggie," I said.

She sighed. "I know I can. I have to."

I hate it when Maggie gets all stressed like this. And not just because she can be under all that pressure and not break out like I would, despite my healthy living. She doesn't deserve this.

Sometimes it's hard not to be envious of Maggie. And then times like this... I'm kinda glad I'm not her.


	4. Chapter Four: Christian

Chapter Four: Christian

October 2nd  
Saturday  
11:27 PM

I am so wasted right now. The last 48 hours have exhausted me. However, I promised myself that this year, I would really do the journal thing. So far? Not that great. But this is entry #2, which is a better start than my, like, five entries last year.

Friday, I went with Dawn to her friend Ducky's birthday party. His birthday was Thursday, but who has parties on Thursdays? At least during the school year. So Friday it was. He knew about it, apparently gave a huge fuss about it, and went anyway.

It was at Justin Randall's house. Now, before this summer, I knew of Justin Randall. He's like the coolest guy at Vista, popular with all the girls. I mean, the guy could have anyone he wanted. What happens? It turns out he's gay. How weird is that? Not bad, since I don't care about that kind of thing, but... he was sort of like a role model to teenage America. Or at least teenage Vista.

Yeah, not anymore.

Anyway, I'd never been this house. In fact, until this past July, I'd never actually talked to him. He's a nice guy.

So the party. It's just a few people, some music. Dawn told me to bring my guitar, so I did, and I did some singing. Maggie sang with me a little, which is always really great, because that girl has PIPES.

Amalia started fake-schmoozing at me about her being my manager. I told her a little bit about the band.

"We're still working on style and what not," I said.

She nodded. "That takes time. Especially between school."

"I'm the only one in school."

"Oh, okay." She didn't seem judgmental about it. "So leaning toward the ballad-y rock that you seem to do so well?"

"Some of it, yeah, since I'm writing most of the songs and music. The guys want to be super rock gods and be badasses, but I try to keep them on reality."

You know, keeping them on reality would be a lot easier if they weren't always high.

Ducky didn't really seem that thrilled over his party. But he seemed glad that he knew everyone there and they all cared enough. I say "they" instead of "we" because I've known the guy for two months. I'm not to the big hug and kiss on the cheek stage Dawn and Sunny are. No thanks.

Speaking of them, they cornered Ducky and had, what looked like, a big heart-to-heart. I was talking to Bruce about different brands of guitars which was, by far, the highlight of my evening.

It's not that I don't like Dawn's friends. I do. But they're Dawn's friends. None of them are in my grade. I don't have classes with any of them. I don't know any of them beyond the little time we've spent together.

I guess I could GET to know them.

After the party, I walked Dawn home.

"Was it a success?" I asked.

She nodded "Yeah, Ducky was glad to see all this support from his friends. He'd been acting so weird about his birthday. But most of that comes from his parents not being around. Birthdays are family times and he doesn't really feel like he had one. But I guess we proved him wrong tonight." She smiled. Dawn has a great smile.

"Plus, he didn't want a big party. He didn't want to draw attention to himself. Or, more like it, to himself and Justin."

"That's hard to do," I said, "given that Justin's pretty high-profile."

"Yeah, but he's not some gossip queen."

Just a queen, I thought, even though I knew it was kind of mean and Dawn wouldn't appreciate my humor.

"Even though I'm telling you now," she was saying. "But you won't tell anyone what I said, right?"

Nope. Never.

We got to her house and I gave her a kiss (a quick one since her father was watching from the window. Probably with a baseball bat) and I went home. I went to bed.

This morning, I woke up around 11. I went over to Josh's. Not surprised, he was still in bed. He went to a party the night before too, but he drank too much and played with a crack pipe.

That's how he told it to me.

I'm aware that Josh and Tristan are losers. Their spare time is spent scoring drugs and doing them. Spare time is all of Josh's time since he doesn't have a job. At least Tristan works. I have a semi-excuse since I'm only 15. I could get a job, but I'd be on really limited hours and between school, the band, and Dawn, I don't know how I'd do it. I think Amalia is superwoman. (Superwymyn?)

Sometimes I feel like Perry and I are the only ones holding the band up. We can't even come up with a freaking name for the band. Anyway, Josh wasn't awake so I hung out in his room/garage until Perry got there.

Perry, unlike Josh, has a job, and unlike Tristan, he doesn't do drugs. Well, not all the time. Just socially.

Like I do now.

"Is he not awake?" Perry asked. He looked exasperated.

"Not yet."

"It's almost noon."

"He's a loser?" I suggested.

"Most likely." Perry pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and took one. He held the pack out to me. I took one.

Dirty habit Dawn will never know about. Has it been bright to anyone's attention that taste-bud numbing gums and mints are the greatest things ever?

We smoked until Tristan got there and finally Perry ending up dragging Josh out of bed.

Writing all of this out like this, I wonder if these guys are, you know, "bad news" as mom would have put it. I mean, they seem so scuzzy (scuzzy?), but really, they're not bad guys. Maybe Josh, but when can hold drumsticks, he's good.

We worked on some songs, throwing back and forth some ideas (Well, Perry, Tristan and I are), and then we practiced, sans our drummer for about an hour while Josh complained about the noise. Hangovers are hell, I know, but that doesn't give Josh an excuse.

Not when we go through this EVERY. SINGLE. SATURDAY.

Finally, Josh is feeling better and we actually sound halfway decent. Around three-thirty, we took a break for a late lunch and as we're sitting around eating sandwiches, Tristan went out to his car and brought back in a bong.

"No thanks," Perry said right away.

I declined as well. I know that I wouldn't have if Perry hadn't. Tristan and Josh share, and we get nothing accomplished.

Perry and I realized that we're not getting anything done, so we both help ourselves to a hit or two which does nothing but make me hyper. All the rest of them get really mellow, but I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls.

Perry sent me in his car (with just my learner's permit) to get some food from the 7-11. Thankfully, I didn't get busted. Even in my hyper state, I drove the speed limit and came to complete stops.

Now, hours later, I feel like shit. Guilty shit because I have the overwhelming feeling that if Dawn ever found out that happens outside of her presence, I'd probably be living in the land of singledom once again. I don't like lying to her, but it's hard to give up this lifestyle that I've done for so long.

I might feel better if I hadn't come home to Dad drinking his, what looked like, sixth Budweiser and telling me to get him another one so he didn't have to get up. So I got him one, not really knowing WHY I was doing so, and helped myself to one, thinking that it would make me feel better, but of course, it didn't.

I hate Dad for all his drinking and whining. But, then, what do I do? The exact same thing.  



	5. Chapter Five: Amalia

Chapter Five: Amalia 

10/9

NBook, my old friend! Long time no see, amigo. I should be doing homework, but when is that important? Not really. Not with everything that's happening.

This is my week:

Monday  
School.  
Work.  
Brendan's.  
Homework.

Tuesday  
School.  
Rehearsal.  
Brendan's.  
Homework.

Wednesday  
School.  
Work.  
Rehearsal   
Homework.

If you haven't noticed, there's a pattern. Homework is half-assed too. So far, I'm averaging about a C. I averaged a B+ last year. I'm so lucky that Mami and Papi understand that everything that's going on is important to me. I need to do what I can to pull my average, though. Oh well.

Rainah sent me the tape she made of band last week. It's amazing. They sound so great. Sure, it still sounds like a tape made in a garage. Rainah sounds really excited about getting the band in the studio.

"What do you think?" she asks me when she calls about the tape last night.

"I think they sound great!" I exclaim. "What do YOU think?"

"I think they sound pretty good too. I'm hoping to get them in for a studio recording around the first of November."

"WHAT?"

Rainah laughs. "I had three calls about them in the last month. The people of Palo City want Vanish. And so do the people of North Palo. I just got a call about a job there over Halloween."

"Oh, wow, yes, we're there. Well, I need to talk to the band first, but... I'm all for it."

"I figured you might be. Just call me back whenever you talk to the band."

Rainah is really nice. I can't figure out why I'm even still around, though. Rainah's job is to find small bands, turn them in local city bands, and when they start to outgrow that, send them bigger label managers so they can be national. Not many bands reach that point, but that's what the woman does. It's HER job to talk to the band about gigs. I'm like a messenger service, maybe?

She doesn't need a fourteen year old garage band manager.

So what am I doing here?

Today, I spend at Brendan's. Okay, I've sort of become housekeeper and cook, but I'll do whatever I can to help. I'm sleepy, but what else am I going to do? Plus Dedree always thanks me a lot. I insist that it's my pleasure, but it's nice to know that I'm appreciated.

And Brendan... he's not mister chatty or anything (well, he can be, but he's not lately), but anymore, he hardly talks at all. I've seen him in his parents bedroom talking with John, but I can only guess why. He's worried. He wants to make sure that if anything happens, his dad knows he loves him.

I can understand that. I guess he's just talked out. But I'll be here.

I'm spazzing. I have so much on my plate right now. I don't know how I'm doing it. I don't know how I'm going to keep this up without collapsing. I don't want anyone to know it's like this. They can't. Because if they figure it out, Mami and Papi won't let me work (which is really great, Mr. Winslow is fantastic about my scheduling and I LIKE working there), and I won't be allowed to keep up with the band.

So, this is just between you and me, NBook.

10/10

Practice today. Sunday, I know, but I had to work this out. I missed Thursday's practice because of work, so I needed to be there.

I walk into the garage, and they started already. Maggie waves to me between chords and I wave back. I sit down next to Ducky who(m?) I knew was there because his car is outside as opposed to Justin's.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," he replies. He gives me a closer look. "Amalia, are you okay?"

I love Ducky so much, he can just tell your problems by looking at you. However, in the spirit of keeping my problems to myself, I say in a joking voice, "Don't go inventing problems for me, Ducky."

He smiles, but he obviously doesn't buy it. He doesn't push the issue, though. "Well, if any real ones turn up, I'm here."

"Thanks." My eyes wander around the room and they stop at the trough. Inspecting a doughnut is a girl I've never seen before in my life. She's Asian, and about eighteen. Her black skirt is so short it's nearing belt qualification (Hello Kitty panties are in, so I hear). Her red and white striped shirt is ripped up and torn, her black hair is done up in dreadlocks, and she's wearing a lot of makeup.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, I nudge Ducky with my elbow. "Who's that?"

"Oh, that's Shan Mei Lee. She's a senior at Palo High. She's Rico's... well, I think she's his girlfriend. Or at least that's what Rico is leading us to believe. She was at the last practice. She's not very friendly."

"Rico?" I repeat. "But..."

"According to Bruce, this is the second Asian girl Rico's dated since Claudia left," Ducky says, reading my thoughts.

"Oh... well, then." I have no idea how to handle that. Not that Rico needs me to be up to date on who he's dating. I am annoyed, however, when Rico doesn't hear me announce that the break is over and I found him in the kitchen making out with Shan Mei.

Does he think they're rock superstars already?

I tell them about the show in North Palo over Halloween, and, as I predicted, all for it.

"What's the pay?" Bruce asks, his eyes gleaming.

"Rainah and I didn't get into the details, but I'm sure money is involved. Just clear your schedules, all right?" I look at Maggie, and she's nodding. I never know what her schedule is like. But she's really great about making time for the band. It's a real priority for her, and Maggie has her priorities straight.

Unlike crazy me.

After practice is over, I stay behind and chat with Maggie.

"Want a ride home?" she asks.

"Sure, thanks." Everyone else is leaving, so we start walking outside.

"How's Mr. Jones?" Her head is cocked in a concerned pose.

I sigh. "He's doing okay. Or as okay as he can be. I know he's just relieved to be home. Even if he's still sick, being home is so much better than being at the hospital. It's so frustrating for me, though because Brendan is just closing up. Around me, anyway. I guess I can understand, but..."

"Damn it?" Maggie suggests.

"Damn it," I agree, smiling a little.

"How are YOU, Amalia? You look tired."

"I am tired," I admit. "But I'm keeping up. I'm doing all right. The bright side of spending all my time at Brendan's is the built in study buddy."

Maggie frowns.

"What?"

"Nothing," she says. Reg pulls up and we get in. I get my ride home.

Actually at my house. Not Brendan's. Is it wrong that this should feel so weird? I should feel comfortable in my home. All I can think about is what I'm missing. What could happen. What if something goes wrong?

I should feel comfortable in my own house. I sort of feel like a stranger here. Like I'm a guest.

I know, I think too much, NBook. Maybe I should just sleep.


	6. Chapter Six: Ducky

Chapter Six: Ducky 

October 20th   
Ducky Takes a Fall

Could it be possible that this is the worst day of your life? It's possible. Anything is possible. It's possible that you'll wake up tomorrow morning and this was all a dream.

It's not probable, but it's possible.

Ducky, you've always been a bully magnet. It's what you get for not wearing the "uniform" of Abercrombie shirts and designer jeans. So, you like vintage clothes. And not the "vintage" clothes you get from Hollister, but from an actual vintage clothes. Hell, it comes from the fact that you LIKE clothes.

It's the fact that you don't think of girls as chicks and babes. They are people too. Of course, more than anything, more than you've ever experienced in your life, bullies have now realized that you didn't think of girls as chicks because you certainly weren't interested in girls that way.

The Cro-Mags have been implying it for years. You almost sort of hate to prove them right.

But then there's Justin. You wouldn't give up Justin for a million bullies.

The difference between you and Justin is the fact that people like Justin. And not just like him, they respect him. No one would pick a fight with him. No one would harass him in the halls. He's popular.

There are people who can't understand why in the world, out of all the girls at Vista, Justin picks YOU, but sometimes you can't understand it either. You've come to not question it.

School is still horrible. When Justin isn't around. When he's around, it's like you have a barrier. When he's not around, you're a duck surrounded by sharks.

When you had your schedule made, you fought and protested, but apparently PE is very important to your brain. According to the school, if you don't take PE, your brain will fall out your ears and you will die. Because according to them, if you don't take it, you won't graduate, even though you're only junior and you still have another year of school to worry about it.

Nope. Nothing can be done.

Worst part? Cro-Mags, Cro-Mags, Cro-Mags. Including the Jay Formerly Known as Jason. Jay Formerly Known as Your Friend.

"Duckster!" he calls to you across the locker room on the first day. So much for sneaking in unnoticed. You've found that you will do anything to keep from attracting attention to yourself.

You give him a half-hearted wave and change into gym clothes.

Life in PE hadn't been too bad.

Until today.

It's after class and you run in for a quick shower because nothing takes it out of you like being pelted with dodge balls for half an hour. This is by far the most nerve-racking part of your day.

You've known it would start sometime. You hoped it wouldn't, but you knew it would.

Showering. Not that you ever looked around the locker room comparing yourself to the other guys or anything before, but you know that if your eyes move from that one place on the wall, no matter what you're actually thinking (random Cro-Mags in the locker room is not your idea of a single's bar), it's all over from there. They will considering that you provoking them and MAKING them harass you.

After seventeen years of being bullied, you know what they're thinking.

So while looking at your spot on the wall under a frigid shower (not for any real reason, except your own insurance policy. Just in case), they figure you've gotten away with being gay (or whatever) and in their locker room for long enough.

"Look at the faggy," says one. You know him. His name is Greg, but everyone calls him G-Dog. He's not stupid, despite his stupid nickname, you know he's not, but he's certainly not the brightest crayon in the box.

You cringe and turn off the water, trying to leave as quickly as you possibly can, but you feel hands shove you against the wall. Your lip hits the wall and splits in the same place it did back in July, the last time you were harassed for being with a guy.

"I'll bet Ducky here likes getting it up the ass," G-Dog says. He slaps your rear with a towel (the old towel-snap. You're familiar with it) and everyone laughs. "You knooooooow that he's the girl. Randall wouldn't have it any other way." More laughter.

Your eyes fill with tears of humiliation, but you can't let them see that. You just grit your teeth and wait until it's over.

It is. G-Dog makes a few more rude comments at your expense and then he's done. Not before grabbing you by your hair and sort of shoving you to the ground. You don't fall all the way, but stumble.

"Randall's just looking for an ass to fuck," G-Dog says. "You were just the nearest sucker."

More laughter. You look around, and there are a few guys who aren't laughing (Jay included among them), but they aren't doing anything to stop it. You grab your towel, get dressed in record speed, and get out of there.

You know you should report this. This isn't just name calling. This was serious abuse. But you also know that reporting a bully will only make your life worse.

You can't help but wonder about what G-Dog said. ARE you the girl in the relationship? Does it even work that way? You know that taking anything a Cro-Mag says seriously in context to your real life isn't never good, and probably doesn't mean anything. You KNOW that Justin doesn't think you're a sucker. If you know that, then you should know that your relationship with him isn't based on who's the "girl" and who's the "guy."

It was all you could do to keep from crying, though, when Justin asks you how your day was that afternoon.

"Okay," you manage.

You can't hide your split lip.

Justin takes your chin in his hand and inspects your mouth. "When did that open back up? I thought it was healed."

You tongue the cut and shrug. "I must have tripped while getting dressed this morning."

You hate lying to Justin, but he wouldn't understand. He's getting the ideal gay in high school experience. People (strangers, people he doesn't even know) actually stop him in the halls and tell him how much they admire him for it. No one besides your friends has ever said anything remotely like that to you. Justin wants to join the GSA. He wants to make it the ideal gay high school couple experience.

You know he wants to be together again. Like back in July. Even though you might not admit anywhere else than this journal, you want it too.

But if you're going to push Justin away, you might as well go all the way.

He accepts your lie and kisses your lips softly. "All better."

You know he's teasing you, so you smile. Your stomach does a flip-flop, partly because Justin is being amazingly sexy, and partly because you're wondering if anyone saw.

"Do you have work tonight?" Justin asks.

"No," you reply. You fuss with the books in your locker.

"Want to come over?"

You pause, touching the cut again with your tongue, thinking about the bullies. Thinking about how if he keeps this up much longer, it won't be easy to say no. It won't be easy to walk out to your car. Thinking about what else you could be doing this evening that seems so much less appealing that hanging out with Justin.

He doesn't catch any of that though. He smiles. "I'll be gentle."

He thinks you licked the wound out of fear of it opening again while making out. All you want to do is cry.

Justin's smile drops. "Is everything okay, Chris?"

You force a smile. "Yeah."

This time he doesn't believe you. "If there's anything bothering you, you can tell me. Even if it's me."

"It's not you," you reply honestly. "I'm just tired, and I have a lot of homework."

He grabs your hand. "We don't have to do anything. We could just hang out and do homework."

He's trying. He's reaching out to you. He wants you to be closer, even if it's not making out or oral sex or anything. He just wants to be with you. It's honest, it doesn't have an ulterior motives.

You can't resist.

"All right," you say, smiling genuinely for the first time since this conversation began.

He kisses you halfway on the mouth, halfway on the cheek because you turned your head. "I'll meet you at my house, then?"

You nod. "Sounds good."

He walks away, looking pleased.

"Hey," Sunny says coming up behind you. "I saw you talking to Justin, so I waited."

You really wish Justin and Sunny would become friends. They know each other, we all hung out together this summer, but they aren't friends. They would never do anything together without your presence. Sunny obviously doesn't even feel comfortable coming up to you while you're talking to him.

"It's okay," you say. "What's up? You want a ride home?"

"If it's okay," she says. "I heard... a rumor."

"I know," you say, trying to joke, "it turns out I'm actually gay."

She smacks your shoulder lightly. "Not that. I overheard G-Dog bragging about-"

"It's nothing," you say.

"So it is true." Worry fills her eyes. "Ducky, I'm so sorry."

"It's not a big deal." Liar.

She hugs you and it feels pretty good to accept a hug.

"Want to come over?" she asks.

"Can't, I'm going over to Justin's."

She smiles. "Good. After you drive me home, right?"

"Right."

Another day down.

Another day to go.


	7. Chapter Seven: Dawn

Chapter Seven: Dawn 

October 24th

Christian and I spent the afternoon together. We caught a bus down The Square. I'd never been there with him before. Whenever I go with someone different, it's always a new experience.

The first thing we did was go eat the Tea Shop. We sat down and ordered our food.

"You've been here before, right?" he asked.

I nodded. "I'm not strictly allowed to, but Maggie and I have come here quite a few times. You come here?"

"My brother used to bring me here all the time," he said. "Before he ran off to college, I mean. It's weird being the only one left at the house with Dad."

"I'll bet," I said sympathetically. "I wouldn't know, being the oldest."

"I'm the baby. I guess that has its ups and its downs. But I was lucky. Neither one of my brothers ever treated me like I was younger. Even though I'm four years younger than George and eight years younger than Frank."

"Wait," I said, smiling a little. "How did you end up with a cool name and they're George and Frank?"

He blushed a little and smiled. "Well, my name isn't really Christian."

"What?"

"We're Italian, right? Well, like three quarters or whatever, but it's pretty strict. My mom actually lived in Italy until she was eight. My dad's half Italian, and then it quarters up. So they wanted their children to have traditional Italian names. My name is Cristoforo. Which is the Italian version of Christopher, actually, but I was always called Christian because when George was little he couldn't pronounce Cristoforo and he called me Christ, and then everyone called me that. At some point my mom figured it was sacrilegious and the name Christian came about."

"That's fascinating," I said. "What are your brother's names?"

"Giorgio and Francesco." (He wrote them down so I could see how all of them are spelled.)

"Why don't any of you go by those names? I think they're cool."

Christian laughed. "You would! That's what I like about you, Dawn. You think things are cool that most anyone else would find silly. You make your own path. You don't just go with the crowd."

Why did I ever worry that Christian wouldn't like me for anything else than myself?

Our waiter (who had blue hair and three nose rings) brought out our food. He paused and did a double take.

"Christian! How you been, man?"

"Not bad," Christian replied, smiling. "How are you? Did you get that, uh... infection cleared up?"

"Old news, man, old news. I hear you're in a band."

"Very true. I just joined up in August."

"Sweeeeet. Yeah, Josh was in."

"Loitering?"

"No, no, he had some dude with him and they bought a bong."

"Oh, yeah."

"They insisted it was just for show. But I don't know a guy who buys a high quality bong for show."

"Doesn't everyone insist they're for show?"

The waiter laughed. "That's the truth! Enjoy the food."

My eyes had been going back and forth like it was a tennis game. Finally, they set on Christian. "What was all of that?"

"Josh is the idiot drummer. He doesn't have a job, and if he didn't play drums like a master, he'd be dead weight. He kind of is anyway." Christian shook his head. "I don't know what to do about him, really."

"What are the other guys in the band like?" I asked.

"Perry's cool, Tristan is... okay. They're good musicians, that's what's important."

"So it's just the four of you?"

"Yup. Me on guitar and vocals. Perry plays bass, Tristan plays guitar, and Josh on the drums."

"I'd like to meet them." I didn't really, especially since I know what they sell at the Tea Shop, and I'm well aware what a bong is. However, I was curious about these guys that Christian spends so much time with.

"You will," he said. We didn't discuss the subject again. I forgot about it until I started writing this entry.

After we left the Tea Shop, we shopped around and Christian bought me a package of incense and a box of herbal tea. He got himself a CD.

I guess it was a good day. I have a funny feeling about his band buddies. I've met his friends at school and they all seem like nice guys. I can't figure out what he found so appealing about the band guys, if they were drug addicts or something. I know it's a band life, but Vanish isn't into that. So I don't know why Christian's band would be.

I came home at seven-thirty, way before my curfew and Dad jumped all over me.

"Where were you?"

"Out with Christian," I replied.

"I knew that. But where did you go?"

"The mall," I lied. I didn't need a lecture on The Square and I certainly didn't need a lecture on what Christian might be doing there, and where he could possibly, in the regions of Dad's mind, be taking me there.

"The mall, huh?"

"Yes," I said, hoping he couldn't see through my lie.

"Well, you should have been home earlier."

"It's not even eight. And I have a nine o'clock curfew on Sunday."

Dad put his hands on his hips. "Dawn."

"What?" I know he doesn't like Christian, but I couldn't figure out why he was acting like this. It seemed so out of character for him.

"Go to your room," he said.

I stared at him for a moment and then did. If he thought he was punishing me for being home over an hour early, that's fine. But I just wanted out of that conversation.

October 25th

I can't believe it. I just can't believe my own ears. I have to write this down or I think it might just be a dream. I just got off the phone with Mary Anne. My sweet, kind, step-sister whom I love dearly, who is not sneaky and does not do things behind her father's back.

Or at least she didn't.

We're chatting about me coming to Stoneybrook for Thanksgiving (I'll be leaving Wednesday afternoon on a surely crowded plane and then I'll be coming back Sunday night. I've had my tickets for a month, and I was lucky to get them).

"Dad and I are working on getting Sharon to let us cook a turkey," Mary Anne said. "We promised that we'd do everything and she wouldn't have to touch it at all. Not for just her sake, I'll admit, but we don't know what could end up stuffed in our turkey if we don't do it ourselves."

I laughed. "That sounds about right."

"How's Christian?"

"Good," I replied. "How are things going with Derek? Is the long distance relationship working out now that school's started?"

"Oh, yes. He always makes time to make sure to call me or send me an email. Derek is kind of something I wanted to talk to you about, Dawn."

"Want me to check up on him?" I asked with a giggle. Even though Mary Anne is dating him and he goes to my school, Derek Thompson isn't someone I know very well.

She laughed a little. "No, nothing like that. Derek and I have been talking about Thanksgiving break and we thought it would be fun if he could come visit. You know, he could catch the flight with you."

"Uh, okay."

"Yeah, I thought it'd be cool."

"I don't mind," I said, "but... you've told Richard about Derek, right?"

Mary Anne's laugh was a little forced and high pitched. "That's the other thing. See, you've told Sharon about Christian. Everyone knows about him and all... Dad doesn't need to know about Derek."

"Then how... what?" I was seriously confused.

"Dawn, this might sound silly, and I don't know how'd you feel about this, but... do you think while you and Derek are here, you could, you know, pretend that Derek is Christian while Dad and Sharon are around?"

"WHAT?"

"It's a crazy idea, I know, but if Dad knew that I was dating a sixteen year old, I'd never be allowed to talk to him or anything. Even if he is on the other side of the country."

I couldn't believe it. Not only was this idea crazy, insane, and totally unlike Mary Anne, it has DOOMED TO FAIL written all over it.

"How is Derek going to get a ticket?" I thought maybe if I put a simple problem forward, it would stop this insane plan. "I could hardly get mine. Not for Thanksgiving weekend."

"It's not a problem. Derek can get his ticket whenever."

"But getting a ticket even now, that's expensive."

"I don't know if you noticed from over the summer or not, but... Derek's kinda loaded," Mary Anne said. "Really, it's not going to be a problem."

I guess I hadn't thought about it. Finally, I went with honesty. "Mary Anne, I don't think I'm comfortable with this. And... how does Derek feel about this?"

"He's okay with it as long as he doesn't have to kiss you." She laughed like it was a joke. "Dawn, you get to see your boyfriend all the time. I haven't seen Derek since July."

"You knew this was going to be a problem going into this," I said.

"I know, believe me. And we don't want to do it if you're not comfortable with it."

"I'm not."

I could practically see Mary Anne frowning. "Oh, come on, Dawn. It's not that big of a deal."

"I'm not going to act like your boyfriend is mine! Why don't you just tell Richard about him and save us all a lot of hassle?"

"Because Dad wouldn't understand." Mary Anne was starting to get angry.

"He'll understand even less when he finds out you made such an elaborate lie. You really should have told him the moment you got home."

"Well, it's too late now, isn't it! I can't tell him now, not when it's been three months."

"That isn't my problem," I said stiffly. "I kept your secret, but I'm not going to lie to Mom and Richard about it. I refuse."

Then, Mary Anne hung up on me.

She might be mad, but I don't think I'm wrong.


	8. Chapter Eight: Sunny

Chapter Eight: Sunny

10/31

I've never had a more fun Halloween in all my life. So today is Halloween and it all happened last night. It was cool, though. I haven't dressed up since I was about nine. At least not for anything that wasn't a project for kids. Not just for the sake of it being Halloween.

We drove up to the Vanish show in North Palo. Embarrassingly enough, it was the same club we saw Jax in back in January. Thankfully, I have great friends who didn't say anything about it. It was bad enough being there, let alone having my stupid mistakes rubbed in my face.

I rode up with Ducky, Dawn, Christian, and Christian's friend, Perry. Perry is nineteen and very cute. However, he sat in the back seat and I was in the front with Ducky.

"I still can't believe your dad let you go after..." Ducky stopped. "You know."

Dawn nodded. "I know. It was okay as long as Christian wasn't coming."

Ducky's eyes flashed in the review mirror. "So who is this guy you have with you?"

"Okay, I lied," she said. "But for a very good cause."

"You're starting to sound like me," I teased, turning around in my seat.

The greatest part of this club experience is that it's their Halloween show. So not only are all the staff and performers (including Vanish) in costumes, they expect their patrons to be as well. So I had a terribly unoriginal costume of a cat that I bought at the last moment and Dawn painted whiskers on my face. However, the catsuit was a nice fit and my tail curled around me, so hopefully it wouldn't get in my way.

Dawn, being so Dawn-like, dressed as a hippie. She wore bell bottoms that we made out of an old pair of jeans, and a fluffy shirt that was Mom's. She wore a leather headband that was also Mom's. I painted a peace sign on her cheek. When we went downstairs Dad took one look at her and left the room. Which is how I got out of the house in my obviously much too revealing costume.

I did NOT do that on purpose, though.

Christian was also a hippie, in clothes that once belonged to Dad that I found in the attic. I don't know why Mom kept her stuff in the closet (until I took them) and Dad hid his stuff in the attic. But we found jeans and vest with beads on it. They made a cute couple.

Ducky wasn't dressed up and he refused to let me paint his face. Perry wasn't dressed up either. Too cool for school.

We got to the club, and it was PACKED. I don't remember this many people being there for Jax. But then again, this wasn't a ticketed event and we were seeing three bands. Nearly everyone was in costume, but there were plenty of people who weren't, so Ducky and Perry didn't look totally out of place.

"Did you see Maggie before we left?" I asked, looking at Dawn. She shook her head.

"Nope. I talked to her on the phone and all she said was that Mr. and Mrs. Chavez were bringing all of the band up here themselves."

My costume was a hit. Sooooo many guys were coming up to me. Of course, they didn't have anything intelligent to say. But they did buy me drinks. Dawn shot me quite a few disapproving looks, but I knew better than to shove them down Ducky's throat so what harm was I doing?

The first band came on, and we all cheered, even though it wasn't Vanish. They were coming on second. The band wasn't bad, I thought, but Christian and Perry didn't seem to like them much at all. They ragged them the entire time, critiquing the smallest details.

I looked at Dawn and she shrugged. I thought it was kind of weird that she would be with someone so negative. The little time I'd spent with Christian didn't give me that impression at all.

Finally, Vanish came on. I screamed my lungs out for them. Maggie looked AMAZING in her fairy costume. She wore a blue minidress and these sheer silver wings and tons of silver glitter. She looked really nervous, though, which is normal. Plus it had to have been hard for her, wearing such a revealing dress. But she looked stunning.

We all danced with each other during Vanish's set, and screamed after every song. Halfway through the set they stopped and Bruce introduced everyone in the band (Maggie introduced him when he was done), and it was so cute to see Ducky jumping up and down and hollering when Bruce introduced Justin.

I guess he felt less inhibited where there weren't any Cro-Mags around.

Oh man, they sounded so great. And the best part was that we weren't the only people who were going crazy over them. There were tons of people who wanted to hear them. I even heard one guy shout, "MARRY ME, MAGGIE!" Dawn and I looked at each other and started laughing.

Christian and Perry didn't have anything bad to say about Vanish.

After they were done, while we were waiting for the next band to come on, something crazy happened. Something that even in my wildest fantasies, I could not have for seen.

I was getting a drink from a vampire who had called me Kitty, when I heard a voice from behind me ask, "Sunny?"

I spun around, rum and Coke in hand, and, in my stupid cat costume, was face to face with Mr. Rutherford.

"Mr. Rutherford!"

He wasn't in costume, just in a button-up shirt and khakis, but he was a little sweaty and his hair was kind of messy. Things I don't see in class that are totally hot. I felt my knees go a little weak, but that might have been because I was starting on my third drink, or because my teacher was witnessing my underage drinking.

He grinned. "I thought that was you."

"Uh...huh," I replied, sounding like a total idiot.

"I was up here visiting my sister and I knew that Vista's most popular band was playing here, so I had to come check it out. They're really good. Apparently I missed the show of a lifetime over the 4th of July Bash. I was in Europe over the summer."

"They were great," I said, finally forming real words. I took a sip of my drink hoping he'd figure it was just a regular Coke. "They're having a CD put out soon."

"Really? I thought that was just a rumor."

"No, I'm friends with the band. I've known Maggie since we were kids. And my best friend Ducky is dating Justin." BLABBERMOUTH.

"I thought that was just a rumor too," Mr. Rutherford said, laughing a little. I must have looked a little surprised, because he said, "We teachers know what's going on around the school too, you know."

I laughed. I couldn't believe that I was having a real conversation with my gorgeous bio teacher! "So, your sister is here?"

"Yup. She ran off to the ladies room." He looked around the room. "Oh wait, there she is." He waved and a gorgeous woman waved back. She made her way over to us.

"That bathroom is filthy," she said, laughing. "I hate places like this."

"No, you just hate the bathrooms," Mr. Rutherford replied.

"Well, yeah, Lew. But who doesn't? Who's this?" LEW? Mr. Rutherford's name is LEW? I don't know what I could have conceived it being, but it was not LEW. It rhymes with glue. And shoe.

"This is Sunny Winslow, one of my students. Sunny, this is Winnie."

We shook hands. "Nice to meet you," she said. She was about my height, a little taller, with blonde hair and brown eyes. She didn't look anything like Mr. Rutherford, which surprised me, since they're siblings.

I took another sip of my drink. "It was nice meeting you, and nice seeing you, Mr. Rutherford, but I've got to get back to my friends."

"Wait," Mr. Rutherford said. "Save me a dance, Sunny."

My jaw dropped. And I almost dropped my drink. "Uhhhhkay," is what came out of my mouth.

The last band came on about two minutes later, and I'd finished the last of my drink by then.

"Come on, Sunny," he said, grabbing my hand. Was this proper conduct for a teacher? Well, we weren't in the classroom. But I was still calling him Mr. Rutherford. Should I call him LEW?

I didn't. I couldn't.

I can't write anymore.

7:01 PM

I just realized. What am I going to do tomorrow at school? Ignore him? Acknowledge what happened?

We went out to the dance floor by the stage and we danced a fast number. It was fun. He had good moves, and after a the first minute or so, I stopped thinking of him as Mr. Rutherford, more as Lew, and I stopped moving like a robot.

"That was great!" I said when the song was over.

"Have the next one?" Lew (Since this is my journal and it's shorter, I'm just going to call him that. Gluey Shoe or not) asked.

"Yeah!" I said, grinning. My grin sort of dropped off when the band started playing a ballad. "The one-" I was going to say "The one after this?" but Lew wrapped his arms around my waist, so I went with it. I slipped my arms around his neck and we slow danced.

I've never slow danced with a teacher before. All I could really think about was the way his hand was on my back and his breath was on my neck. It felt good.

The song was over and they started to play another fast one, and we walked off the dance floor. Lew grabbed my hand.

"That was fun," he said. "You're a good dancer."

"You too," I said, grinning. "I know who I'm taking to the next school dance."

He laughed.

We were home around two in the morning without event. But before we left, Dawn and I did see Amalia.

"They were great!" Dawn exclaimed, giving Amalia a hug.

"I know! Did I tell you, or did Maggie or someone tell you, that they're going into the studio this Friday?"

"NO!" I screamed. "That's so great!"

"I know. It's just going to be a little cd, this isn't Sony or anything, but yeah. Vanish will have a CD!" She jumped up and down with us, even though she obviously already knew. "Then we can sell them at things like this."

"Sunny, who was that guy you were dancing with?" Dawn asked. "He was hot!"

"Oh, it was... uh, Mr. Rutherford. He came up here to check out Vanish."

"The coolest teacher at Vista likes Vanish?" Amalia asked. "That's great publicity!"

"You guys were dancing really... slow," Dawn said.

"Yeah," I said, sarcastically, "every girl at Vista is going to come kill me because I danced once with Mr. Rutherford."

Amalia laughed. "You never know!"

Gotta go, trick-or-treaters. 


	9. Chapter Nine: Justin

Chapter Nine: Justin 

It's November fourth. Thursday.

Home from school. Chris is here, he's doing homework. Which is what I SHOULD be doing. Ms. Smith (guidance counselor from Hell) is getting on me about applying to colleges and my GPA, and extra-curricular activities. She wants me to join the Inner Vistas, which I don't want to do because Maggie's editor.

Not because Maggie's editor. But because things are still weird. She never really looks me in the eye about anything. It's bad enough being in the band and having a lot of the same friends, do I really need to make more time for things to be awkward? Or would spending more time together make things be un-weird?

Either way, being on the track team apparently isn't even enough to get into a good college.

I've been thinking about college. I think I might skip a year, take some classes at Palo Tech, the gen eds, and then wait and see what Chris wants to do. What if he wants to go to college in Kentucky or something? Can I really base my life around what he wants to do? It's not like I know what I want to do.

Will Chris and I even be together in a year?

What am I supposed to do? I don't want to stop my life for something that might not work, but I don't want to believe that it won't work.

This morning was a surprise. I get up, wander down to the kitchen in my boxers, ready to throw together some cereal and milk (given that I remembered to buy milk) and I stopped in my tracks, waking up rather suddenly. Mom was standing in the kitchen washing dishes.

Uhhh, Mom? I asked.

What, Mike? She paused and then turned and looked at me. Justin, I'm sorry. What's up?

What's up? Um, Mom, what are you doing here? And we have a dishwasher, you know.

Right. I wanted to talk to you.

At seven in the morning?

I forgot it was a school day. Sit down.

I sat down like she asked and waited.

Justin, honey, I thought you should know that I met someone.

Uh huh.

She folded her hands, looking professional, but kind of nervous. He's a very nice man. I know he's not your father, but-

Mom, I'm seventeen. I'm over that.

Right, yes. He works with me, he's very nice. Uh, but there's something. I've been staying with him a lot. At his apartment and he'd like for me to move in with him. It makes a lot of sense, since he lives just down the road from the office and it's not so much of a commute.

Okay, I replied. I didn't see where it made that much of a difference to how I was living now.

I can understand that you wouldn't want to move and it doesn't even make sense that you would. So I was thinking that I could sign the house over to you. And then you'd be a property owner, but I'd take care of taxes and all of that, of course.

What?

I'd take of the mortgage, and everything, she said, as if this were the issue. I'd give you money for everything you need, like we do now. Nothing would really change. I realize you'll be going off to college soon, though. That's the only problem. And you turn eighteen soon, right?

In April, I said. That's not exactly near. And college... I don't know. I was kind of waiting to see what Chris was doing, and he's got another year of school.

I hadn't told ANYONE that, and here I was telling Mom and she doesn't even know about Chris.

Justin, you can't make plans based around someone else.

You're making plans around me.

She stopped. I guess so. But don't you WANT the house?

I... don't know. Mom, can this wait? Like, let me think about it? When I've been awake longer than five minutes and I'm not just in my underwear?

Of course.

I got dressed and left without eating. I had lost my appetite.

I know that Mom lost all her mom-ness after Mike left. Her calling me Mike was a big blow to the head. It's not like he's dead. She can call him anytime she wants. Not that he wants to talk to her or anything.

I'm the one still here. I'm the one who spends day after day in this stupid, empty house. Why can't she see that I'M STILL HERE? Dad left. Mike left. I HAVEN'T GONE ANYWHERE, MOM. WHY DON'T YOU GIVE A SHIT?

I wish it was something I knew the answer to. I have no idea why.

November Fifth. 3:50 AM.

I have to be awake soon for school, but I haven't slept. Insomnia is a killer. I'm used to it though. First the nights listening to Mom and Dad fight. Then the nights wondering when Dad would be home before he left for good. Then Mom and Mike fighting. Then Mike leaving. Then wondering when Mom would be back.

After almost four years of that, you get used to running on two or three hours of sleep. I've become a friend of computer solitaire and Nick at Nite.

It's just this house, though. The nights I've spent at Chris's, I sleep like a baby. Maybe I don't want the house. Do I want this thing full of memories so strong that I can't even sleep?

School night or not, Chris ended up sleeping over. He looks so cute when he sleeps. He stretches out on his stomach and sort of cradles the pillow in his arms. He's doing it right now.

I'm jealous of my pillow.

I think I'll go downstairs for a snack.

7:10 AM.

Chris is in the shower. I had to write this down. I have the feeling that Chris will spend study hall scratching this down in his journal, but since I don't have that option, I have to write it now. Before I forget.

I went down to the kitchen for my snack and I dug out some ice cream and I was eating it right out of the carton. Living alone has given me some bad habits. But who cares? Mint chocolate chip is only the best thing on the face of the Earth. Food wise, anyway.

I'm digging in the ice cream when -

Justin?

I looked up and Chris was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. He looked worried.

Yeah?

What are you doing up?

Can't sleep. Want some ice cream?

Sure. Chris smiled and sat down next to me on the bench. We share the spoon.

What's going on? Chris asked. He's not fooled by a simple can't sleep excuse. How is it that he hardly knows me, yet he knows me so well? He's got some sixth sense of self-conflicting issues.

I sighed. My mom is moving in with some guy in the city. Which isn't a big deal, I guess, except she wants me to take the house. Have it in my name and everything. She really can't do anything, for real, until I'm eighteen, but the fact that she even thought about that.

That has to be hard, Chris said.

You know what it's like. You go through the same thing.

No, I don't. My parents are on the other side of the world. Your mom is half an hour away. It's not the same thing.

I guess.

I could tell Chris wanted to touch me, but he very rarely initiates touch. In fact, I can only think of one time he's be the first to kiss, or the first to make a move.

I reached out and touched his hand, hopefully to send the message that it was okay. He got the message and hugged me. I let myself relax in his grasp. Before I knew it, I was crying.

Chris held me while I sobbed into his shoulder. It was like everything, all of my frustrations with Mom, with Dad, with Mike, the house, living alone, all of it, it all came out then. I don't know the last time I cried.

Let it out, Chris said.

When I was done, or at least in the horrible puffy faced, sniffle stage, Chris said, Let's go back to bed.

We crawled back into my bed and Chris held me, my face buried in his t-shirt while one of his hands was on my hip and the other wrapped around me. I wanted to be his protector, yet I'd never felt more safe than I did when he held me.

Maybe it goes both ways.


	10. Chapter Ten: Amalia

Chapter Ten: Amalia 

11/8

Long weekend, NBook. Let me start at the beginning. It might take a while, but I'm going to do it.

Friday had to have been the longest day of my life. After school we were going into LA to start RECORDING ON A CD.

Once we get there (Thank you, Mr. Chavez for dealing with us!) Rainah meets us at the door of the studio. I didn't know what to expect, but the studio looks kind of a like a hole in the wall. It's just a small, brown building. However, I smile and shake her hand.

She smiles too. "Hi, Amalia." She looks around at everyone and nods. "Hi, guys. I you are all really excited about this, not a lot of high schooler get this experience. Just stay calm, and don't touch anything that looks expensive."

Everyone laughs. We go inside and, well, honestly, nothing looks that expensive. It looks like the same hole in the wall on the inside that it is on the outside.

The band sets up in the studio and I meet the producer, Clark Henry. He's young, like twenty-two. He explains how the recording process goes, which is different from just playing. They put everything down on layers, percussion, guitars, etc., then vocals last.

I sit in a room with Clark and Rainah that was separated by a glass window to the room the band is in. They play through a couple songs to get a feeling of the sound, and, I guess who they want it produced? I have no idea. Clark and Rainah are talking in another language, I think.

I'm still wondering what I'm doing there. I feel like a tag-a-long. I guess my face is pretty obvious to how I feel, which happens a lot, because Rainah taps my shoulder. "Let's go out and talk."

I can see the band playing through the window, but Maggie catches my eyes. She casts me a confused and worried look. I shrug.

Rainah leads me into the hall. Before she can say anything, I blurt out, "What am I doing here? You don't need me!"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," she says. "I could tell you've been sort of... hesitant."

I nod.

"If you're wondering why I keep you around, it's simple. They know you. The trust you. You're a great liaison to them, Amalia. And I've heard them complain about slave driver practices and all of that. You're a good manager. And somehow you manage to be their friend too."

"So I'm just around to be liaison?"

"If I said something that you didn't agree with, would you push it on the band?"

"No."

"Exactly. Believe me, I have their best interest in mind, but you do even more than I do. Listen to me, Amalia, I think Vanish has the potential to make it beyond local band. I really do."

My jaw drops. "Wow."

Rainah grins. "Yeah. However, when that happens, I'd say a year or two from now, given that things stay on the course they are now, which isn't a guarantee, they could easily be picked up by any major record label. They're amazing."

I grin too. "I know they are."

"The thing is, when that happens, they're not going to take you with them."

My grin drops off. I nod. "Yeah, I'm surprised that I lasted this long."

Rainah shrugs. "Maybe that point you'll be ready to be their manager professionally and go with them. Time will tell."

I smile.

Lunch is spent with me repeating what Rainah said about the band. I leave out the part about a year or two away from success. Something inside of me is telling me to keep that one under my hat. Though I don't wear hats. I don't know why. I just didn't want to tell them. Maybe I didn't want to get their hopes up.

Saturday is spent at the studio again. I have the feeling this is going to take a lot longer than we expected it to. I know we didn't think it would take one afternoon, but by the end of Saturday, they've only recorded the total of one song.

I have never eaten so much taken-out in one day in my entire life.

I need a break. A break before I get to Sunday.

11/8 - later

Sunday the band went down to the studio, but I stayed home with Brendan. Well, Brendan's home. I guess it's not mine.

I make lunch for the Jones'. It isn't bad. It certainly isn't what they're used to, but it's better than take-out again. Or a frozen meal or something.

Other than that, I don't really do anything. Brendan and I watch a Lifetime movie. We try to make fun of it, but neither of us are into it.

I look over at him. His eyes are glazed over. "Do you want to get out of here?"

He looks at me for a moment, and nods. "Yeah."

We tell Dedree and John that we'll be back in a couple hours. They say okay, of course.

We walk down to the Ice Cream Palace (former horrible employment) and get a giant ice cream sundae and share it.

"What's been going on with the band?" Brendan asks.

That's all it takes. I'm babbling away, like I always do, telling him everything Rainah said to me on Friday. The whole time he's got this bemused smile on his face.

"What?" I ask.

"What?"

"What are you smiling about?"

"Nothing," he replies, obviously trying to wipe the smile from his face, but fails, only smiling wider. "You, that's all."

I blush. I try to joke. I wave my hand at him. Oh, whatever."

He grabs my hand and looks at me, pretty seriously, though he's still smiling. "No, really."

I can't stop blushing. I feel really uncomfortable, just in the fact that he's paying me this "next level" compliment. Does that make sense, NBook? No?

"Let's do something," Brendan says.

"What?"

"I haven't done anything out-wise since we spent that night in Hollywood. I want to do something."

"Well, it's Sunday afternoon. We have time, I guess. What do you want to do?" I'm sort of wary, because, really, I was getting some cabin fever, I can't imagine what Brendan was going through. I thought about how Sunny went kind of crazy when her mom had cancer, and I'm wondering if Brendan is going to do the same thing.

"Let's go swimming. This is California, we can go swimming in November."

"...I guess..."

At least he wasn't dating a thousand skanky girls. Swimming I could handle. It's cool out, but Brendan is right. This IS California. Swimming wouldn't be unbearable. Not exactly a huge pleasant experience, but not the end of the world, freezing our butts off. UNTIL.

"Let's go, then," Brendan says, taking my hand.

"Don't we need bathing suits and towels and stuff?" I ask.

"I don't want to go back. Let's just go."

"What are we going to-" I stop. I realize what we're going to do for bathing suits. We're not going to be wearing them. Or anything. Instead of blushing, I feel all the color drain from my face.

I'm wondering he's planning on going to the beach. Like the ocean. But, no, we walk (which takes forever, I wish we at least had bikes or something) to Las Palmas park. I don't know what he's thinking, but he leads me to this small lake (large pond?) that's really secluded. It even goes into a little cave. Chances are, you'd have to know it was there to find it. I know people rock climb over the hill the cave is in, but you'd have to be on the total other side to even know where the pond is.

The park isn't exactly hopping anyway. Probably because it's a crisp November day. There's a few people hiking, and a couple playing frisbee. That's pretty much it. However, I'm pretty sure there are RULES about what we're doing.

Brendan grins. "Let's do this." He pulls of his shirt.

I turn away from him and start pulling off my clothes. Okay, it's kind of embarrassing, but I try to convince myself that it's natural. I contemplate leaving my underwear on and then not wearing them as we walk back, but then I'd just have wet underwear in my pocket so I drop them on top of my jeans.

I look over my shoulder for a moment before turning around. Brendan is already in the water, looking away. It's nice to know that while he's going on a crazy raid (and dragging me along with him), he still respects me. I jump into the water without thinking about it.

THE WATER IS FREEZING. California or not, that water is cold. I gasped out loud.

"You okay?" Brendan asks.

"Cold," I say.

He swims over to me, smiling. "Yeah, I know. But it feels good. After... a minute or two."

I tread water, shivering, and Brendan is right. After a couple of minutes, when my skin is used to the water and it doesn't feel like icicles are stabbing me, it doesn't feel too bad.

Once I can move, Brendan grabs my hand and pulls me toward the cave. "Come check this out," he says.

"How did you find this?" I ask

"Dad brought me here," he says without a lot of emotion. "He went to college at UCLA, and he'd spent a lot of his college years here. Of course that was mostly spent smoking pot and skinny dipping in this pond."

I laugh. We swim into the cave, and inside it's beautiful. The entire cave is lined with crystals (I couldn't indenitfy them if I tried) and the way the afternoon sun is shining into the cave, the just... GLOW.

"Wow," I say. "This is beautiful."

Brendan's arm snakes around my bare waist and that makes me tense up. He's not moving his arms anywhere they haven't already touched, he's being rather gentlemanly, but it's still weird and nervewracking since we are both naked.

Which, let's stop for a moment and talk about HOW WEIRD IT IS THAT I SPENT MY AFTERNOON NAKED IN A POND WITH NAKED BRENDAN?

I can't even conceive that I A) Did that. B) No one found out. And C) I did all of that and I resisted the urge to sneak a peek. I don't think Brendan did either, but I have to admit that I was CURIOUS. Other than sex ed drawings and what not, I've never seen a boy naked. But, you know, I'm 14. I've got time for that. But I did miss a perfectly good opportunity.

"Yeah, the only way to get in here is to swim through," Brendan is saying. "But it's worth it."

"It is," I said.

There the pond ends and the cave goes in further, but neither of us get out, since... well. We're both naked. I feel really young and really adult all at the same time. It's hard to explain.

We get out of the pond and I feel cold and damp and my clothes are clingy. I ring out my hair, which I didn't get too wet, but the ends are pretty well soaked out of fear of letting the water hit me below the neck.

Brendan looks at me with this sheepish expression. "I'm sorry, Amalia. I sort of-"

"Don't worry about it," I say. "You didn't MAKE me do anything."

"But you didn't... like... do it all out of guilt? Because of Dad?"

I shake my head. "I'd never do that to you. I do all of this because I want to too."

He smiles and we walk back to his house.

My secret afternoon.

Sunday evening was... interesting.

I went home and ate dinner. Over desert Isabel taps her plate with her fork.

"I have an announcement to make," she says, grinning.

"What is it?" Mami asks.

Isabel keeps grinning. "This is kind of sudden, I'd guess, but Simon asked me to marry him."

"WHAT?" Papi says. He looks a cross between angry and exasperated.

"I know, I know," Isabel says. "But for all the reasons I could think of for not doing it... besides, Papi, we're planning a long engagement. More than year."

"Well... you're an adult, I guess we can't say anything." Mami gets up and gives Isabel a hug. "Congratulations, honey."

Isabel looks at me. "What do you say, Amalia? Or miss bridesmaid?"

"Wow," I say. "Congratulations."

I couldn't think of anything else to say. Isabel is only twenty years old! I couldn't imagine getting married so young. But I guess people do it everyday. I don't know what to think.

I don't like the way things are changing around me.


	11. Chapter Eleven: Christian

Chapter Eleven: Christian 

November 12th   
Friday   
9:20 PM

Just got in from hanging out with Dawn. It was... interesting. Since her dad wasn't home, we were able to just hang out at her house (while my dad wouldn't care if we hang out here, I don't need him hitting on Dawn and being generally old man creepy) without being hovered over.

Though Carol (who made a huge point of telling me that ALL of Dawn's friends call her that) did keep us full of snacks. And we weren't allowed in Dawn's room. But it could have been worse. Hanging out on the sundeck playing cards for whole wheat crackers isn't the worst way to spend a Friday night. Not when it's with the most gorgeous girl at Vista.

Would I have enjoyed going out to a party? Yeah. But I've been there, done that so many times in my life, being mundane is actually FUN.

"So," Dawn says casually, beating me with a freaking ROYAL FLUSH, "you remember Mary Anne, right?"

I push the crackers toward her, tossing aside my full house. "Your step-sister, right?"

She nods.

"I remember."

"She came up with this crazy idea." Dawn shuffled the cards and starts to deal. "She wants Derek to go out with me to Stoneybrook over Thanksgiving."

"That doesn't sound crazy," I replied.

"Yeah, she wants me to say he's you so she doesn't get caught having an older boyfriend."

I paused. "Okay, yeah, that's crazy. What did you say?"

"I said no! She hasn't talked to me since. I've sent her a dozen emails, and she's always mysteriously out when I call."

"Is that making you consider doing it?" I asked. I grabbed a handful of crackers out of the box and started munching. I held them out to her, but she shook her head.

"Sort of. Not that I would. I mean, what if you end up coming out there sometime? How am I going to explain that? Say you're this other guy I'm dating? You start with one lie and it just turns into another. Mary Anne needs to tell Richard -her father- the truth. But I don't want to go out there and have a horrible weekend because she's mad at me."

"Maybe by then she'll have forgotten about it?"

"Oh, no. Mary Anne may not get angry a lot, but she can hold a grudge."

"So she stores it all up?"

Dawn laughed. "Exactly."

"It looks like to me that you have two options, do what she wants, or don't. Either way you're going to have to deal with the consequences."

"I know... I could just tell Mom and Richard myself that Mary Anne is dating someone. Even though I kind of promised that I wouldn't. I may be angry, but betraying her trust would probably break us in two."

Well, that was a blow to my already guilty conscience. I knew I was betraying Dawn's trust practically every time I went to band practice. But those guys are my friends. Okay, they're George's friends, but after everything, it never seemed like that big of a deal. George never made it out to be a big deal.

"Christian?"

I look up. "Sorry, lost in thought."

"Hopefully you were thinking up a way for me to get out of this mess." Dawn looked a little hopeless.

"Hmmm... maybe if she wants Derek to pretend to be me, I could pretend to be Derek."

Dawn's eyebrows raised. "Go on..."

"I could call up her house, talk to her dad. Say Mr..."

"Spier."

"Mr. Spier, I'm Derek Thompson, you don't know me, but I'm dating your daughter. I'm sixteen, on the honor roll at my school, and I live on the other side of the country. Et cetera."

"That's still betraying her trust!" Dawn exclaimed.

"No, since I never promised to keep it a secret. And I have issues with my identity being forged. But, you know, pretending to be someone else isn't a problem." I smiled.

She thought about it for a moment. "Well... I guess so. It would be sneaky and wrong."

"Yes, but it would get a monkey off your back. We'd have to tell Derek what happened, but at least this way we could find out if her dad wants to kill him and if he should probably STAY in California, or if it's okay."

Dawn looked at her watch. "Well, it's four-thirty here, so it's seven-thirty there, so yeah, he's home." She jumped up and got her cell phone. She dialed the number and handed it to me.

"Maybe I should have thought this through," I said, while it was ringing.

"Just make it up as you go along," she said. "And remember, this was your idea."

A female voice, who probably isn't Mary Anne answered the phone. "Hello?"

"May I please speak with Mr. Spier?"

"Hang on a sec." She set the phone down.

A few minutes later, I heard, "Why is this phone off the hook? Hello?"

"Mr. Spier?"

"This is he."

"Hi, I'm Derek Thompson, I live in Palo City. You don't know me, I'm sixteen years old, I'm on the honor roll at Vista high school, and you might be confused right now, but the reason I'm calling is because I've been dating your daughter since July." I paused and waited for a reaction. Dawn was staring at me like her step-dad is going to crawl through the phone and kill me.

However, he simply replied, "Go on."

"I know that Mary Anne hasn't told you about me, because she's nervous of what you might think of her dating someone who's older, but I couldn't stand the thought of her lying to you, and I wanted to introduce myself."

"Mmhmm." It was short and non-committal.

"And the other reason I'm calling is that I would really like to meet you in person, and see Mary Anne since it's been so long, and I have a break coming up over Thanksgiving, and I was hoping I might be able to visit. I'll pay for everything, that's not a problem. You wouldn't have to spare a cent. I would really like to meet you." I really hoped that Derek could spare the cents, because I was talking out my ass.

"I appreciate your consideration," Mr. Spier said in this slow, concise voice.

The way my gut was twisted in hoping he would let Derek go out there, you'd think I was the one who was really trying to get permission.

"And I think I would like to meet you." He paused. "You eat meat, correct?"

"Yes," I said, hoping to God that Derek does. If not, he'd be forced to.

"Good, we'll be having a turkey."

I blinked a few times, not expecting such a weird response. "Well, thank you, sir."

"Thank you." He hung up the phone. I hit 'end' and looked at Dawn.

"I think it worked. Either way, Mr. Spier knows about Derek, and... we're going to have to tell Derek what we did. Or what I did."

"No, it was we," Dawn said. "Oh man. Do you think we can get Derek to pretend that he was the one who did that?"

"No idea."

"We better go tell him now. Before Mary Anne calls him."

"Umm... yeah. Good idea."

First Dawn called Sunny to ask where Derek lived, giving a brief overview of what happened. "Do you want to come with us?" Dawn asked. The confused look on her face was priceless. She hung up the phone.

"Sunny has declined coming with us because she's doing her biology homework."

"Priorities?" I suggested.

"Not with Sunny. Oh well, I got his address, let's go."

We got bikes (I was on Jeff's) and rode over to Derek's house.

"Derek's... big, right?" I asked.

"I guess."

"I mean, he's not going to kill me for what we did, is he? I may look tough, but I break like a twig."

Dawn laughed. "I don't think he'll kill you."

"I impersonated him. Oh, and why would Mr. Spier ask me about turkey?"

She laughed again, this time much louder. "While I eat white meat on occasion, my mom is pretty much vegetarian strict. She is battling Richard and Mary Anne on having a turkey. If there's one more meat eater, especially a guest, there's no way she can say no. It just cracks me up that Richard, while thinking he was talking to, who he thought was Derek, would bring it up. He must really want that turkey."

I laughed too.

We got to Derek's house and his mom (Total MILF, by the way) let us in and told us that Derek was in the basement.

He was down there playing video games and he looked sort of surprised to see us. Probably because we're just girl's he's dating's step-sister and her boyfriend.

"Hey," Derek said, smiling. "What's up?"

"Ummmm... well, Derek, we did something that you should probably know about," Dawn said. She sounds sort of uncomfortable so I took her hand.

"Is this about me coming out to Stoneybrook for Thanksgiving?" he asked. "Mary Anne said didn't like the idea."

"No, I don't, which is why Christian and I sort of took matters into our own hands."

Derek looked back and forth between the two of us. "What did you guys do?"

"We sort of called Mary Anne's dad," Dawn said.

"And I pretended to be you," I said.

"And he wants to meet you."

"It didn't sound like he wanted to kill you."

"Mary Anne probably isn't even in trouble."

"I hope you eat meat."

Derek stared at us. "So. You lied to her dad."

"Well, what were you going to do?" Dawn snapped.

"And... I'm going to Stoneybrook? As me?"

"Well, what if I visited there one day?" I asked. "Pretend to be some guy who just followed Dawn home?"

"Look," Dawn said, "we just wanted to tell you, so when Mary Anne calls, you'll know what's going on. Especially since you didn't actually call."

"Uh. Thanks?" Derek apparently didn't know what to think. So we left.

"That went... well. I think." Dawn shrugged. "It could have been worse. He could have broken you like a twig."

I scowled for a second and then I laughed. I'm way too lucky to be with a girl like Dawn. I seriously don't deserve her.

I didn't think about the guys in the band or the drugs all day.

I could get used to that.


	12. Chapter Twelve: Ducky

Chapter Twelve: Ducky 

November 18th  
Ducky Enters the New World

Walking into the GSA meeting with Justin was probably the scariest thing you've done in your life. Sure, everyone knows that you and Justin are together, but this is the first time you've made, what seems like, a public statement saying that you are. And in saying that you are, means that you can't (not that you HAVE) deny anything.

The official gay statement. WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME WRITING THAT WORD?

Gay.

Gay.

Gay.

It looks the same. It's not a big deal. Is is some sort of identity struggle? If you and Justin broke up would you go out with another guy? Would you go out with a girl? Would you just stay in that, though sometimes lonely, reasonably comfortable, dateless space you were in? Does going to the GSA mean you ARE gay? Or are straight? Or somewhere in between?

The words stop making sense.

So much for pushing Justin away. What were you thinking last week when you agreed to this?

There are probably about fifteen or twenty other people there, mostly girls. Two of the girls are holding hands. They smile at you. You give them a shaky smile in return.

You don't remember anything about the actual meeting. You wonder if you said anything stupid. You wonder if you said anything at all. You must have, from the way Justin is smiling at you after the meeting is over.

After the meeting part is over, it's sort of a hanging out time. Of course your first instinct is to run. But Justin has your hand, so you stay. The girls who smiled at you walk over.

"Hi," says one of them. She's about a header shorter than you with red hair and a nose ring. She's wearing a Kittie t-shirt. Her fingernails are painted black. "I'm Rachel."

"And I'm Olivia." Olivia is a little bit taller, full figured and blonde. She sort of reminds you of Marilyn Monroe. Even in the way she dresses, really classic and vintage.

"I'm Justin and this is Chris. Everyone calls him Ducky, though," Justin says with ease. Of course it's with ease. He's good with people. That's WHY he's so popular.

"Nice to meet you," Rachel says to me. She looks at Justin, grins and points at him. "But I know you. Everyone knows you."

Justin laughs. "Well, thanks?"

"Don't mind her," Olivia says with a bit of a Southern accent. "We just wanted to come introduce ourselves. We took over the GSA at the beginning of the year after Simon graduated. Which, as sophomores is a big deal. Sadly, Mrs. Kreuger couldn't be here today. She sure would have loved to see y'all here."

"Mrs. Kreuger?" you repeat dumbly.

"She's our teacher sponsor, didn't you know?" Olivia asks.

You didn't, but it doesn't surprise you.

Olivia chats a mile a minute. Finally, you tap Justin's shoulder.

"It's almost four-thirty now," you say.

"Whoops," Justin mutters. "Sorry, we have to go. I've got band practice and he's got work."

"You'll be back, though, right?" Rachel asks.

"For sure," he replies.

You don't know why you're uncomfortable there. At least you didn't. You realize now. You were in a room full of people who were so comfortable with themselves that they were willing to tell the entire school, "I'M GAY!" or "I'M STRAIGHT!" You were in a room full of people who knew exactly what they wanted out of, at least that one aspect of their lives.

You are not one of those people. You have no idea.

But it's possible that you're ready to try.

November 19th

Today started off so innocently. You're working at the store, thinking about spending the weekend at Justin's, and wondering what that has in store for you (since Justin won't be in town next weekend. He's going to his dad's for Thanksgiving), when you hear the door open.

You walk away from the shelf you're... shelving and say a friendly, "Hello," but before the H is from your mouth, you stop in your tracks.

"Hey, Ducky."

It's Alex. Almost a year ago, Alex was sent off to Chicago after his suicide attempt, and now... he's back.

"Alex," you say.

You stare at each other for a minute and you can't help yourself. You don't care. You give him the biggest hug you could possibly do. To your surprise he hugs you back.

"How are you?" you ask. "Are you...?"

"Cured? Back for good?" Alex suggests.

"Yeah."

"Maybe? And... maybe." He laughs uncomfortably, but you can't help but think how good it is to hear him LAUGH. "Good enough so they could send me back home. But I'm on my best behavior, because if my mom or my new doctor suspect anything, I'm on a flight back to Chicago."

"New doctor?"

"Yeah, I needed someone new. Someone who wasn't... someone who didn't see me back then. I'll give you the number so you can make sure I go."

This is a switch. This is good. Right?

"Oh, I got this for you." Alex holds out a box.

You take it from him. Frango mints. You told him to get some before he left. You feel your eyes well up with tears. You're so absolutely touched that he remembered.

"Thanks," you say. You get a good look at him. Same blonde-brown hair. Combed, which is a changed from the last time you saw him. Same clothes, less wrinkled, but generally the same. Same face, same everything. But something is different. His eyes actually seem to have LIFE about them. It's a spark that he had been missing. You notice, though, that his left arm is covered, COVERED, in scars. Some of them are white, others are red. Some of them are still scabs. You actually gasp.

Alex seems to instinctively grab his left wrist. He can still read your mind. He gives you a weird smile and shrugs. "Turns out when you feel, you actually have to deal with that."

And that's that.

"How are YOU?" Alex asks.

"I'm... good." You pause, knowing full and well you'll have to tell him about Justin. So instead of avoiding it, you might as well get it out there. "I'm dating someone."

Without a beat, Alex asks, "What's his name?"

"Justin," you reply. "How did you know?"

"I've always known. I've been your best friend for as long as I can remember. Believe me, I know." He pauses. "Well, best friend if you'll still take me."

"Of course!"

He smiles. "Good. So. Justin. How long?"

"Since the end of June," you say. You open the box of mints and take out. SO GOOD. You offer the box to Alex.

"No, thanks. I tried them. I don't know what you find so appealing about them."

"They're great!"

"No, Chicago pizza, that's what's great."

You want to hug him again, hearing him say something so POSITIVE.

The two of you talk all through the rest of your shift, getting yelled at by Mr. Winslow for not finishing the shelving. But then he sees how much business you did, and all is suddenly forgiven. Ahhh, the power of the almighty dollar.

You invite Alex to come over to Justin's with you, but he respectfully declines. Or as he puts it, "I'm not butting in on date night. Besides," he adds, "Mom is being pretty strict on times I come and go. Which... is okay."

"When are you coming to school?" you ask, walking out the door.

"After Thanksgiving. There wasn't any sense in me starting right before the vacation. A whole week of no school means a whole week for me to look for a job. My shrink in Chicago suggested some kind of retail or waiting tables or something. You know, something where I have to look outside myself to do."

"That makes sense."

"Yeah. So I'll be applying to every pizza joint in Palo City. But not the mall. I refuse to go to the mall."

You laugh. Alex laughs too.

You feel that connection again. GOD, you missed him. And not just since he's been gone. He's been gone so much longer. This is what it feels like to REALLY have him back.

You give him a ride home like old times. Alex gets out of the car and he walks around to your window.

"Just so you know, Ducky," he says, "you don't need to worry about me. Not like you did."

You shrug. "It's not a problem. It's my pleasure."

"I know," he replies. "But I'm okay. Mostly okay."

"I'm still here," you say.

"I know," he repeats and goes inside.

You drive to Justin's, bursting with the news.

He's fixing a pseudo Thanksgiving dinner for the two of you. Stove Top. Deli turkey. Cranberry sauce out of a can. Instant mashed potatoes.

You tell him what happened while putting together turkey sandwiches.

"That's great," he says. He sounds concerned.

"Is everything okay?" you ask.

"I just... nothing."

You raise your eyebrows. "Okay, then."

The two of you eat dinner, talking about school, and what not, and Justin asks, "So, is Alex like... an ex boyfriend?"

You nearly spit out your mouthful of Coke. "WHAT? No, just a friend. I've known him for years. Nothing like that has EVER happened."

Justin seems a lot more friendly about the whole Alex subject. It's nice to know you're not the only with insecurities.


	13. Chapter Thirteen: Sunny

Chapter Thirteen: Sunny 

11/25

Thanksgiving. Not one of my favorite holidays. We never made a huge deal out of it, not with Christmas right around the corner, and we always had a huge Christmas celebration. Being unsure how Dad is planning on handling this holiday season, my plan was to go with the flow.

Go with the flow.

Uh huh.

Yesterday morning Dad asked me if I wanted a turkey. I said no. He asked if I wanted vegetarian alternatives. I said yes. So we went out and bought a bunch of "Thanksgiving-y" foods. He also got a small turkey that will last him Thanksgiving with plenty of leftovers. I can eat meat, but that doesn't sound good at all.

The trip to the supermarket was kind of weird. We got our stuff (I convinced Dad that we HAD to have pumpkin pie, go me!) and the lady at check-out was ringing up our stuff. She was talking to Dad, and I was catching up on my celebrity gossip from the front pages of the tabloids when I looked up and I noticed something.

This woman is flirting with Dad.

FLIRTING WITH HIM! He still wears his wedding ring for god's sake!

Then I tried to look outside myself. Look from the point of view of a single forty-something year old woman. This is way more difficult than it sounds, especially in the context of my own father. But I did it. When seeing through those eyes, Dad's a pretty good looking guy. I could see why this strange woman would flirt with him.

But he's still so married looking. And he's with his teenage daughter, for crying out loud. I'm totally weirded out by the whole thing.

We get home and I started putting groceries away (even though we're going to get them all out tomorrow, no sense not knowing where things are) while Dad sat at the kitchen table and balanced his check book.

I stowed the turkey on the bottom shelf of the 'fridge so it can thaw overnight. I'm putting away the yams when I looked at Dad.

"Dad?"

"Hmm?" He wasn't really paying attention.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

I bit my lip for a moment. "Do you think... you'll get re-married?"

He looked up that time, with this completely startled expression on his face. "What in the world makes you ask that?"

"That woman at the store was flirting with you and I-"

"She was?" Dad's expression went from startled to confused.

I started laughing. "Yeah, she was."

"Oh. Well, I'm not going to marry the woman at the grocery store."

"I know that," I said, "but if you want to, I just... thought I should be prepared."

"If it ever comes to that, you'll know in advance."

"But you still haven't answered my question," I reminded.

Dad didn't quite meet my eyes, and I couldn't blame him, after he said what he said. "Your mother made it very clear to me that if I ever met someone, to do what I wanted. However, I think you can be rest assured that if that ever does happen, it won't be for some time."

"What if it just jumps out of the blue?" I asked.

"When it comes to marriage, it won't be a step I'll take lightly. I never did."

And the conversation was over.

Well, this is less depressing than the possible Thanksgiving at Denny's, or Hungry Man turkey dinner meals. Or is it? Is Dad cooking Thanksgiving dinner (something Mom always did) any less depressing than just ignoring the holiday altogether?

In a desperate attempt, I ask Dad if I can invite Ducky over for Thanksgiving.

"Doesn't he have a family?"

"A creepy older brother who probably won't even be home and parents in Africa," I replied.

Ducky is officially invited to spend Thanksgiving with the Winslows.

Hopefully things will go well. Dad is downstairs cooking right now. It's sort of weird. I mean, this is our first Thanksgiving without Mom, and we're COOKING? Is it any better than moping around? How about that Hungry Man meal?

Cooking sounds good.

At least this is fresh. Not flash frozen. Yuck.

I should probably go help. Ducky'll be here in an hour or so.

10:05 PM

Ducky's gone back to his most probably empty house now. He's probably going to lock himself in it and never see me or Dad ever again. Okay, it wasn't that bad.

I answered the door when Ducky knocked on it. He was actually wearing a tie, but because he was Ducky, it looked totally cool. I guess I was more dressed up than usual (I changed out of ratty jeans into a skirt. A casual skirt, but a skirt nonetheless), and Dad looked like... Dad.

"Hey!" I greeted him.

"Hi... do I look okay?"

"You could have come in a chicken suit," I said. "But we might have cooked you for dinner."

"Which is why I went with the tie," he replied, laughing.

"Hey, Christopher," Dad said from the kitchen.

"Hi, Mr. Winslow," Ducky replied. He looked at me. "You know, I've never just been over to your house for dinner."

"Really? Huh. This must change."

"It already has."

"Good."

We went into the kitchen where Dad was setting the bowl of mashed potatoes on the table. We may be adjusting family, but there was NO WAY we were going to sit in the dining room. It wasn't going to work.

I forced Ducky to sit while I helped Dad set the table. We sat down. Since this isn't a grace kind of family, we just dug in. No formal anythings here.

Ducky and I shot comments back and forth for the first part of the meal, until Dad finally asked the question.

He looked back and forth between us. "Are you two..." He made a waving hand gesture. "Seeing one another?"

I laughed. "No, Dad, at ease. Ducky's already dating someone, only the most pop-"

"Sunny," Ducky said.

"What? Dad's an equal opportunity employer." I looked back to Dad. "Ducky is dating Justin Randall, by far the most popular guy at Vista."

"Oh," Dad said. He nodded at Ducky. "Good for you."

"Uh, thank you, sir," Ducky replied. I stifled a laugh at Ducky calling Dad "sir."

"What about you?" Dad asked, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

"What about me what?" I asked.

"You're not dating anyone, are you?"

"No, Dad, my senseless string wild flings is over. I could only take a year of kinky sex and always having to spring for the condoms and cock rings."

Ducky choked on his mouthful of potatoes, but Dad just shook his head and smiled.

"You're just trying to piss me off."

I grinned. "You got me. Don't worry, Dad, still a virgin." Well, half a virgin, but I didn't feel like going into that over Thanksgiving dinner.

"Good," he replied.

"Do you know the age of consent in California?" I asked.

"No idea. Knowing this day in age, it's twelve. But since when does that even matter to the general public?"

"Good point."

Ducky stared at us. He had not yet witnessed the new Dad and Sunny family. This is not unusual. Somehow Dad and I become quite liberal (not that our household has EVER been conservative) with each other. It wasn't planned, it just happened. And it's okay. It's how we're coping with each other.

After dinner we ate pumpkin pie (highly worth it) and Dad caught up on the football scores. He cracks me up. He won't watch the games, but he's obsessed to know what the scores are and who won. Maybe it's something he needs to know to have something to talk about with his business guys?

Ducky and I holed up in my room and gossiped for a while.

"How are things going with Justin?" I asked nosily. I hadn't been nosy about their relationship in a while (Good God, school leaves me with no time TO be nosy).

"Good, I guess."

"You guess?" I pressed, a little bit more gently this time.

Ducky mulled over his comments for a moment and then said, rather carefully, "I don't know if it's going to last."

"What?" Gentleness gone. Insert shock. "Why?"

"I think we're too different. I'm a punching bag and he's a boxer."

"What? He's hitting you?"

"No! No, nothing like that. It's the kinds of people we are. He's a leader, the source of inspiration. I'm just that guy who'll lend you his notes, but I'm no one's hero."

I shrugged. "You're my hero."

He grinned and hugged me. "And you're mine."

I hugged him back. "Kodak moment over, what's the deal? You guys were all hot 'n heavy and now... nothing?"

"Well, no, not nothing."

"So it's not mutual unattraction."

"No. Definitely not. There's... tension."

"Seeeeeeexual tension?"

"Yes, if you must know," he said, smiling. His smile faded. "Justin is like the gay poster boy, and I'm getting beat up in the locker room."

"Which you should report," I said, for probably the dozenth time. "I don't care about all your theories on bully psychology. This isn't name calling you scraped your knee on the playground. What's happening to you is sexual discrimination and abuse. Those assholes should be put in jail."

"They won't get put in jail. They'll get suspended for three days and then be even more pissed off. If I just let it ride, the gay wimp novelty will wear off."

"You're not a wimp." I hate it when Ducky says horrible self deprecating things about himself that are completely untrue. "Besides, what's this it's not going to work? Justin loves you."

"Justin is having a delusion of grandeur. Gay grandeur."

"Do you love him?"

Ducky didn't say anything. He nodded.

"Then what's the problem?"

"Sometimes it just... takes more than that."

"How do you know if you're that case? What if it's not?"

"I don't know!" Ducky exclaimed, obviously frustrated. "I just don't know... when we're alone, everything fine, but... man... school is... hard."

"Well, you have me. And now you have Alex who, from what you said, is cool with it."

"I know."

"And you know that Dawn and Maggie and everyone, we're all behind you."

"I know."

Ducky was looking further and further in the dumps. For the most part I could tell what was going on in his mind, but sometimes it's like he just cuts out from himself. And when he's not feeling it, I can't get a feel for it either.

I decided to go back on the gentle route. "If you want to break it off with him, you know we're all behind you on this situation. We all like Justin, but we love you, and we want you to be happy."

"Thanks, Sunny."

I like that hero feeling.


	14. Chapter Fourteen: Dawn

Chapter Fourteen: Dawn 

November 29th

School is a relief after this weekend. It didn't start off too bad. I told Dad that Mary Anne's boyfriend was coming with me, and he was iffy about this until he met Derek, liked him instantly, and made me angry that he can't do MY boyfriend the same courtesy.

I was pleased, however, when Derek bumped my seat up to first class with him, which was very cool. I'd never sat in first class before. It was wonderful. I don't think I could ever go back to coach. Though I will have to the next time I fly. Oh well. It was nice. Round trip, too.

The flight to Stoneybrook was long. I sat next to Derek and wondered if he was mad that Christian and I pretended to be him on the phone. So, instead of wondering about it the whole trip, I decided to ask.

"Are you mad?"

"Huh?" He looked up from his magazine. "What?"

"Mad. About what Christian and I did."

"Calling Mary Anne's dad pretending to be me?"

"Yeah."

"Not really. I wasn't really that comfortable with the idea. I told Mary Anne that she needed to tell her dad if she wanted me to come."

"Is she in trouble?"

Derek shook his head. "Nope. Not at all. I think her stepmom, your mom, I guess, intervened there. But I'm allowed, going to eat turkey-"

"You do eat meat, right?" I asked.

"Yep. I'll eat it all."

"Good. We weren't sure."

Derek smiled. "I have to admit, that I'm pretty relieved."

I nodded. "Me too. Um... is Mary Anne mad at me?"

"A little bit. But it should be fine."

Should be.

We watched a stupid movie and then it's not long before we land. We rushed through the terminal, given that our flight was thirty minutes late. I knew Mom wouldn't care, but Richard had probably been crawling the walls the second our flight didn't 10:48 exactly.

Surprisingly, though, Mom is the only one there.

"Mom!" I exclaimed. I gave her a huge hug.

"Oh, my baby girl," she said, holding me for a moment.

We released and I introduced Derek, whom she seems to like okay. But, of course, that's not the real test.

"Where are Richard and Mary Anne?" I asked as we stand around baggage claim. I only packed a carry-on, but Derek had a suitcase.

"At home cooking. They're baking pies. We have way too many pies for one family to eat."

"Pies?" I repeated.

"Don't worry, there's soybean pie and sugar free mixed berry."

"Great!" I replied, a little more enthusiastically than I felt. Derek got his bag and we went out to the car.

It's cold. It's snowing. It's Stoneybrook.

Mom turned the car heater up on high and I put my hands up to the vents. I forgot to pack gloves. Mom handed me a pair.

"You knew I didn't pack gloves?" I asked, amazed, as I put them on.

"No, Mary Anne did. She has a sixth sense about these things," Mom replied.

Hmmm, I thought, maybe Mary Anne isn't all that mad.

Oh, I was wrong. So wrong.

Later, 29th

Mom pulled into the driveway and we go inside. I'm still not used to this rental house. They're working on renovating the barn into a home. Hopefully they'll be done by this coming summer, but while staying next door to Claudia is cool and all, it's weird. And the house is way too small for the three of them, let alone the five of us.

"I wish Jeff could have come," Mom said.

"I know he's looking forward to coming for Christmas," I replied, not sure if it was the truth. All I know is that if there was one more person, the house might have exploded.

"Dawn!" Richard greeted me happily, giving me a half-hug.

Hopefully this good mood will transfer over to Derek, I thought.

And it did. Richard and Derek shook hands and Richard seemed to like him a lot. Everyone does, I guess.

Mary Anne ran into the living room. "Derek!" She squealed. She ran into his arm and they embraced. He lifted her three or four inches off the ground. They didn't dare kiss in front of Richard which was a smart move.

Since it was late, Richard and Mom went to bed. Mary Anne, I could tell, was tired, since it was 11:30, but Derek and I were on California time, and it was only 8:30 to us.

However, I left them in the living room and went up to the spare bedroom that was mine and pulled out the book I brought. I spent my first night back in Stoneybrook reading. I forced myself to sleep at one in the morning.

The next morning, Thanksgiving, I woke up to a house full of lovely smells. Even the turkey smelled pretty good, I had to admit. I took a shower and went down to the kitchen to see what I could do to help.

"Good morning!" I said brightly.

"Morning," Mom said.

Mary Anne sort of grunted at me.

"What can I do to help?" I asked. Mom was mashing potatoes, Richard was basting the turkey, Mary Anne and Derek were making stuffing.

"No," Mary Anne said, "sorry the family left here can take care of everything."

"Well... then I'll just..." I left and went back upstairs. I finished my book and went back downstairs. Everything was cooking. Mom was sitting on the couch reading a book, sitting next to Richard who was watching the football game. Mary Anne and Derek were nowhere in sight.

So I put on a coat and gloves and went outside. It was cold. So I wandered down the sidewalk.

"Dawn?"

I turned and looked at the Kishi's. Claudia was sitting on the front stoop smoking a cigarette. She jumped up and ran out to the sidewalk and hugged me. She looked great as usual, though, black boots, orange tights, brown skirt. I had no idea what top she was wearing since she had a short black coat on, but she had handmade looking turkey earrings in.

"How's it going?"

"Okay," I said. "What about you? What's...?"

"Bad habit," she said. She took a final drag off of it and tossed the butt in the snow. "I've taken the path of a bad baby-sitter."

"Oh?"

Claudia laughed a little bit. "Well, as you can guess, high school is sort of killing me. So I got some shady cheat sheets and well, became regularly shady. And then I got caught and I became a shady hero."

Despite the absolute horror of what Claudia was saying to me, for some reason, her matter-of-fact way of saying it made me smile. "I'm guessing Kristy wasn't too happy."

"Oh, god, no. When she found out, I'm officially dispelled from the Baby-Sitter's Club. Well, even if there is none. I'm a bad example."

I laughed. I knew this wasn't a laughing matter, but I couldn't help myself. Somehow, Claudia just made things seem a lot lighter than they were. "That sounds about right."

"It was a long time coming. I mean, if she knew that I slept with Rico over the summer, I would have been out of there long ago. There's no a bad example to children like premarital sex."

"WHAT?" That wasn't laughing. That was a SHOCK.

"Yeah, that's not common knowledge." Claudia seemed a little sheepish. "But what can I do about it now? Nothing. That's sort of my new things. Take every moment as it happens and don't sit around freaking out about it."

"That sounds pretty good."

"So how are you? How are things going with Christian?"

"Good, good. Things with Mary Anne aren't going as smoothly."

"I didn't think so. When I asked her about your visit, she sort of shrugged it off."

I nodded. "Yeah, it's just... bad." I told her about Mary Anne's big plan and how Christian and I foiled it, but even though it seemed to be working out for the best, she's still angry.

"No idea," Claudia replied. "You never know what's going to set her off."

Novemeber 30th

Thanksgiving dinner was actually fairly peaceful. I kept my head held pretty low the entire time, being pretty short yes-and-no answers about things. Mary Anne took the time to make jabbing comments about my living situations.

After desert, Mary Anne and Derek disappeared. I helped Mom and Richard (well, mostly Richard) clean up since I hadn't done any of the cooking. After cleaning, I went upstairs and I did something wrong.

I have to pass Mary Anne's room to get to mine. And when I heard the muffled sounds I stopped in the hall. I could see a tiny stream a light coming from her room into the hall. She hadn't shut the door all the way. So I was bad and I peek in.

It was all I could do not to gasp. From the look of it, Mary Anne and Derek were making up for lost time. They were totally making out on her bed. Derek wasn't wearing a shirt and his hands were up the backside of Mary Anne's skirt. She didn't seem to mind.

Well, if Claud could sleep with Rico, Mary Anne and Derek could hit second base. Or third. I have no idea. But they were hitting bases. That was for sure.

Instead of gasping, or barging in to remind them about the uses of a condom, I just shut the door the rest of the way so when Richard came upstairs he wouldn't see that.

However, one of them heard the click of the door because by the time I reached my room, Mary Anne's door swung back open.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Just closing your door the rest of the way before you get caught doing something you shouldn't be doing," I said. "No need to thank me. Really, Mary Anne, I know nice things to say are so hard for you."

Mary Anne didn't say anything. She went back into her room. The door was clicked shut all the way. I heard the lock.

I went back into my room. Once again, I made myself sleep. This was really the worst vacation ever.

Friday and Saturday, things didn't get better. Anything I wanted to go and do, Mary Anne was already going and doing with Derek and I didn't want to be a third wheel, and Mary Anne didn't want me around anyway.

I visited with Claudia again, I saw Kristy (at different times since from what Claudia told me, they aren't really friends anymore). Stacey was in New York visiting her Dad for the holiday so she wasn't around.

Claudia and I went Christmas shopping on Friday. I've never been shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. It was like a busy Saturday times five hundred. The stores were packed, and I ever saw two people fighting the aisles over a toy that would only be 29.95 for the next two hours. It was annoying, though, that Claud needed to go out of the mall every so often for a smoke break. That was a habit I'd really like for her to break, but I live on the other side of the country, what can I do?

Great. Now I'm starting to sound like Mary Anne.

Finally, we got a break and sat at the Pizza Express which was dead. Not surprising, considering it was the day after Thanksgiving. We ordered a pizza (Claudia and I sort of semi-argued about pepperoni, until she finally agreed to forgo it, as long as I didn't try to put broccoli on it) and started talking.

"So... cheating at school and smoking and suddenly you and Kristy aren't friends?"

Claudia made a face. "It's not that... well, it is that, but I kind of conspired with the enemy."

"What? I don't understand."

"Okay, so Stacey, which she hooked back up with Ethan, did she tell you?"

"No," I said.

"She did. Anyway, so after all the secrets Stacey spilled over the summer, when Kristy got back to Stoneybrook, she pitched a fit about them. Kristy has started some weird conservative agenda. Probably from making out with Justin or something. So Kristy kind of broke things off with her, and then all my shit came up, and Kristy isn't friends with me. And because of that, Stacey and I went looking for a new group of friends. Which infuriated Kristy more because she sort of assumed that we would be wallowing in low self pity for not hanging out with the president of the BSC."

I had to giggle because it did sound like Kristy.

"So we started hanging out with Cokie Mason and Grace Blume."

I nearly spat out my water. "What?"

Claudia laughed. "Calm down. Once she didn't have Mary Anne to battle with over Logan, and she spent the summer in a loser's existence because all of her friends were away at camps and stuff, she sort of mellowed out. And she's dating Logan now and it's working out really well. Plus Stacey and I can still be friends with Logan without it being weird."

I nodded. "Wow, though. Wow."

"I know. If you'd asked me a year ago who I'd be hanging out with in high school, Cokie is the last person. But... she's actually kind of cool. And when she starts to go mega-bitch, Stacey just yells at her. Which Stacey has kind of graduated to "leader" because she's the only one in the group who's given head."

"The only one?"

"Well, I have, and Cokie has. I mean, Cokie and Logan do it all the time, but Stacey's done it on guys two years older, and... well, Sam Thomas. Which pisses Kristy off even more because Sam found out that she found out and grosses her out all the time. When their mom isn't around."

"I can't believe... things just sort of fell apart over here," I said. "Things are finally on the right track over in Palo City."

"Maybe it's a balancing act," Claudia said. "Things fall apart there, they're fine here. But things go well there, they fall apart here."

"Maybe," I said. "Why can't they just balance all together?"

Claud shrugged. "I don't know."

Saturday I saw Kristy, but that was a brief visit. For some reason I didn't want her finding out my faults. She looked the same as she did when I last saw her in July, but she talked differently. So I just asked her about the lacrosse team, her siblings, and I told her that everyone from Palo City says 'hi' and she ended the conversation abruptly.

Sunday I just hung around the house. I found some books of Mary Anne's (I think they were for school) and read those.

"Hey."

I looked up from the book. Mary Anne was standing in the doorway. "Oh, do you need this?" I asked.

"No."

"Then what?" I asked.

"You had no right to do what you did. You totally betrayed my trust-"

"Technically Christian betrayed your trust."

"You were in on it! It doesn't make any difference. I can't trust you at all, Dawn Schafer! I don't think I can ever again."

"It's not that big of a deal," I said. "Everything worked out, didn't it? Derek's here, Richard likes him, you got to see him, there wasn't any faking. It worked out. You're just pissed off that I was right. You should have told him long ago, and even if it took dishonest means, it still worked out."

"The end doesn't justify the means!" Mary Anne said.

"Sure it does," I said. "In this case it does. And you better be able to trust me because I'm the only one who knows what went behind almost closed doors."

Mary Anne's face turned red. "You better not tell. And no impersonations."

"Whatever. I'm sick of making promises to you and you holding them over my head. It's not my job to hide all your dirty little secrets."

She stared at me.

"What? Trying to remember what a virgin looks like?"

Mary Anne's red face seemed to explode. The old Mary Anne would have cried. This Mary Anne grabbed the thing nearest to her hand which just happened to be a vase, and threw it at me.

It missed me by a long shot, but it did shatter.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I asked.

"Just butt out!" Mary Anne yelled. She stormed out of the room. I don't think that confirmed what I said to be true. At least not all the way. But I really have no idea.

I think it's pretty needless to say that I don't think Mary Anne and I are friends anymore.

She didn't even come to the airport to see Derek off because that would mean staying in the car with me. Derek and I flew in first class in complete silence.

I'm dreading Christmas.


	15. Chapter Fifteen: Justin

Chapter Fifteen: Justin 

It's December the second. Thursday.

Band practice today. We have a show on the 15th. We're wrapping up recording this weekend. Six songs on a CD. I'm really looking forward to the finished product. Hopefully we sound as good as Rainah and Amalia swear we do.

After practice, I was packing up my guitar when Maggie approached me. Which is not something that generally happens. Fact is, we sort of avoid each other. Despite that fact that we're both seeing other people, there's always been something unresolved.

Hey.

I looked up. Hey. What's up?

I was wondering if you wanted to go... get something to eat? Or something? She looked nervous.

Okay. I nodded.

So I put my guitar in the backseat, and Maggie got in the front. I drove us to a diner by my house.

I've never been here, Maggie said.

It's good. I guess it's not really in your neighborhood.

Not really.

We got a booth and sitting across from each other, we ordered our food (well, I ordered food, Maggie got a diet Coke and something seemed terribly familiar) and then we sort of stared at each other for a minute.

So what's up? I asked.

Mrs. Smith talked to me about you joining Inner Vistas. She said that you weren't interested.

Not really a writer.

I hope I didn't have anything to do with it. I know that sounds horrible and self absorbed, but I know I can't be the only one who feels like we screwed up something.

I guess not. I guess I know that something's wrong here.

Yeah, and I don't want it to hurt the band.

Right. The band.

Maggie looked at her hands. I'm not very good with words.

You write great songs.

Well, that's writing. I can't talk. I can hardly sing.

That's not true.

She rolled her eyes. Then her face sort of scrunched up, like she was thinking very hard about what she was about to say.

What is it? I asked.

I... that time we went out, I was so messed up in the head. And I know you took it as I was... not interested in anything, but it turns out I was just only interested in myself. And I know I screwed things up, and... do you want to know something stupid?

I don't know, do I?

She laughed. It's dumb. I actually had myself convinced that it was my fault that you were... gay. Even though I know it's not a fault thing or... anything like that. It... wasn't, was it?

No! No, nothing like that. And, no, it wasn't anyone's fault. I'd never really been much of a, no, that's wrong. I'd kind of always had been into Chris- Ducky. You know. And when I started hanging out with all of you guys and you were hanging out with him, it started to seem like it was right. But I was too scared to admit it, and I am still into girls. When all the relationships around me starting failing... I thought I should stop taking the safe route. Maybe taking a risk could help make things better.

Maggie shook her head. And you said you weren't a writer.

I laughed. Our food came and I offered Maggie my fries and unfamiliarly, she took some.

So, she said, will you join the Inner Vistas? You don't have to write, you can just read and I'll say you're doing lots of work. And you can put it on your transcripts.

Okay, I replied.

And that's how I became part of the Inner Vistas staff. And how Maggie and I became friends. Actual friends, not just people who spent time with the same people.

I've been thinking a lot about this house thing. Mom wanting me to take the house. I think what bothers me the most is that it's like if she can just send checks to pay for all the bills, it's easier than actually dealing with me.

Which is I guess is the idea. If she has to forget she had a husband, has to forget she had one son, she can just have to forget about the other one.

Chris says I should call her. Or maybe I should call Mike.

Huh. Maybe if I could talk to Mike enough, I become him and make Mom really happy for once.

That was mean. And wrong. But sadly true.

I'm going to bed.

It's the sixth of December. Monday.

CD is done. At least the recording parts are done. I feel like I have that weight off my shoulders. It's out of my hands now. Well, out of our hands.

I took Chris's advice. I called Mike Saturday night. It went a little something like this:

Hello? It was some woman.

Is Mike there?

Yeah, hang on. Who's calling?

It's Justin. His brother.

Oh! Hi! She sounded genuinely happy to hear it was me. I'm Veronica, Mike's girlfriend.

Nice to meet you?

Let me get Mike.

Thanks.

Justin? It was Mike.

Hi.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I just... wanted to call.

Oh. Okay.

It's been a while.

Did you have something you wanted to talk about, Justin?

No, not really. I just wanted to talk to you. I mean, we're brothers, do we need something specific to talk about?

Is this about Mom?

No, I lied. I just wanted to talk. You know, it's been almost two years since I've talked to you. Since you left.

I know... has it been that long?

Yeah, it has.

Sorry, man.

I hung up. So much for talking to Mike about my problems. And when he realized that he didn't even call me on my birthday, all he could say was sorry. Well, I'm sorry too, Mike. Sorry that sorry just isn't good enough.

I don't know what I expected him to say. Maybe it was just his tone. It wasn't genuine. It was like when I ran into Dad at the state fair. That surprised way he said my name. At least he called me by my name.

But things have gotten better since then. I liked spending Thanksgiving up in Oakland. I like Dad's new wife. My stepmom, I guess. Wendy's really nice. Her kids are nice too. I just felt a little out of place. This is Dad's new life. I was part of the old life.

But Dad and Wendy made it clear that I was welcome there.

It's more than I've got going on here.

I guess I'll even take a little bit. Here I've got Chris. I've got the band. I guess they're my family now.

But I sort of wonder now... what colleges are in Oakland?

Oh, meeting at Inner Vistas was horrible. I have the feeling that friends or not, Maggie is going to fire me. And I wouldn't blame her.

December ninth. Thursday.

GSA meeting. Went alone. Chris is... I don't know what Chris is. I don't know how to handle this. I hate this flying blind thing. God. I just want to be close to him and every time I try he pulls away. Well, not every time. But most of the time.

I don't understand. I really don't. I wish he would talk to me.

After that, I went to practice. Or the non-practice. I went over the Chavez's and everyone was kind of standing around, minus Rico.

What's going on? I asked.

Bruce started laughing.

It's not funny! Amalia said. She paused. Okay, it's a little funny, but it's not. At all.

Well, what is it? Maggie asked.

Practice is cancelled. I didn't find out 'til I got there. Rico's sick.

Then what's so funny?

Bruce's laughing got louder.

Amalia even stifled a giggle. It's not funny. Rico has gonorrhea.

WHAT? Maggie said.

Apparently safe sex isn't so safe, Patti said. Even she was giggling.

Did he catch it from what's her name? I asked. The Asian girl.

Shan Mei? No, he said it was some girl named Nina. Bruce said. But he needs to tell Shan Mei because they're still together.

Then how does he know he didn't catch it from her? I asked.

Bruce shrugged. Got me. I didn't ask.

Ew, Maggie said.

So, that's today's lesson, kids. Condoms good. And cheating is bad.


	16. Chapter Sixteen: Christian

Chapter Sixteen: Christian 

December 18th   
Saturday   
12:42 PM

Ho. Ho. Ho. Christmas sucks.

And we've still got another week to go.

Last night Dawn, her friends Sunny and Maggie, and I went to a party at Perry's house. The only reason they were with me is because Dawn called me to ask what I was doing and I mentioned the word "party" and suddenly we were all there.

"It's awfully smokey," Dawn said, waving a hand in front of her face.

"It's a party," I said, shrugging. Honestly, the smoke was making me itch for a cigarette, so I just inhaled the smoke as it was coming at me.

"Get over it, Dawn," Sunny said. She grabbed a spiked punch from the table.

"Sunny, out of all the people in the world, you should be the last one who would say that second hand smoke is a not a big deal," Dawn said.

"It's okay," Maggie said. "Really, Dawn, this is what parties are like."

"Well... okay." She seemed to relax, which made me relax.

"Merry Christmas!" Josh said, coming over to us. He shoved a beer in my hand and one in Dawn's.

"Dude," I said, "you're Jewish."

"Doesn't mean that I can't appreciate how Jesus was a good man. Besides, you're not exactly the good Christian boy you should be... well, you are a Christian, Christian, but..."

I laughed at the lame pun I had heard before and steered Dawn away from the obviously stoned Josh.

"Friend of yours?" Dawn asked, setting the beer down on a table.

"That's... Josh."

"Bong buyer." She smiled.

"Yeah. He's... an idiot."

"Hmmm."

The music started to really loud (or maybe I was just panicking) so I said, "Wanna go somewhere quieter?"

She nodded.

I found an empty bedroom and pulled Dawn in. I closed the door and flicked the lock.

Dawn sat down on the bed and tossed her hair over her shoulder. "So, did you bring me here to seduce me?"

"What? Nahhh..." I sat my unopened beer on the nightstand and sat down next to her. "What in the world would ever give you that idea?"

"Well, the party, behind locked doors. If you're going to try, you might as well just ask."

"And what do you recommend that I ask?"

She grinned. "In a kind voice you should say... 'Dawn, will you sleep with me?'"

"I should ask that?" I had to admit, I was surprised. I didn't think she would be so outright. Especially since my mind was on second base, not all the way.

"Well, the answer's no, so if you don't want to ask, you don't have to."

"I'd guess that your Thanksgiving vacation would bring on a new sense of morals for your virginity. Even if it's just for superiority's sake, which I can respect, by the way." I nodded.

Dawn laughed. "Well, superiority or not, you're not gettin' any. Not with fourteen year old me locked in a bedroom of a boos and pot party anyway. Really, Christian, don't think I'm being holier-than-thou or something, but... are these friends... good friends?"

"It's just the guy's in the band. They're George's friends, really. But I got pimped out as a good guitar player, and you know how it goes."

"No," she said, no longer smiling. "Tell me."

"Look, he just said I was good, and Perry heard me play... I know we need to drop Josh and Tristan, but it's hard to find good musicians, Dawn. And as much as losers as they are, they're good." I shrugged. "What can I do?"

She shrugged too. "I don't know."

"Can we talk about this later? Because we may be at a crappy party, but we are in a locked bedroom."

Dawn bit her lip and smiled coyly. "Why in the world should I?"

"Well, I could have shoved this beer down your throat, gotten you drunk, and had you at my mercy, but I asked." I tried to be charming. It worked.

She laughed. "Kiss me, then."

So I did. Given the situations with her dad and the inability to go to my house, we hadn't done any actual making out. A good-night kiss here and there. That's it.

This was different. This was good. Second base was achieved (under shirt, over bra. Life is good) and Dawn is a REALLY good kisser. She seemed a little insecure about the whole thing, but she didn't have anything to be insecure about at all.

When we were done, about half an hour later, I'd guess. We left the bedroom and walked down the hall to where the party was still going strong.

"This really is a crappy party," I said, looking around. "Do you want to find Maggie and Sunny and get out of here?"

Dawn nodded. "But at this point, who knows where they are."

Maggie found us pretty easily. She grinned at us. "What have you two been up to?"

"Nothing," Dawn and I answered in unison.

"I thought so," she said, smirking.

"Where's Sunny?" Dawn asked.

Maggie shrugged. "No idea."

Luckily, Perry's house isn't that big. We walked into the kitchen and we found Sunny pretty quickly. She was pretty well trashed and making out with a girl I'd never seen before. There was a crowd around them cheering them on.

"This isn't good, is it?" I asked.

Dawn looked pretty pissed. She just barged right in and grabbed Sunny and dragged her outside. Maggie and I looked at each other and followed them outside. Dawn must have been going at fifty miles an hour, because when we got out there, the two of them were in a screaming match, though Sunny was a little bit less than half-hearted.

"Dawn." I sort of grabbed her by the shoulder. She turned at looked at me.

"What?"

"Right now, I think Sunny just needs to sleep it off. You can fight about it in the morning."

Her face relaxed. "You're right. What is her dad going to think?"

"Can I stay at your house?" Sunny asked. "Dad doesn't need to know."

"No!" Dawn put her hands on her hips. "I thought you were past this, Sunny. I thought this was over. I could overlook your drinking, when you were trying to be responsible about it, but then this comes out of nowhere. I thought I could trust you, and it turns out I can't. It's just like before. And you're not dragging your drunk self into my house."

I sighed. "She can come back to my house. My dad should be asleep by now, sleeping off his twelve pack. As long as he doesn't know she's there, it'll be fine."

The look on Dawn's face was so twisted I couldn't really tell what she was thinking. It was the first time I had even hinted that things weren't so great at home. But she ended up nodding.

"It's almost eleven," I said. "You and Maggie should go ahead and go back. I can take care of her. And call her Dad to let her know she's... well, tell him she's staying with you. He probably doesn't want to hear that she's staying with some guy he's never met."

Dawn laughed, but it sounded pretty forced. "Okay, it sounds good." We kissed and she and Maggie left.

I dragged Sunny back to my house. I was suddenly glad that I don't live too far from Perry.

"I'm so stupid," Sunny said.

"Huh?" I was concentrating on getting home, that she might have said something before that, but I missed it.

"I'm acting so dumb. Dawn's so right. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just always do such dumb things. I'm such a stupid only child. I always have to be the center of attention."

"Mmhmm." I hoped she would get it out of her system before we got home so she wouldn't wake up Dad.

We paused two houses down from mine so Sunny could puke in Mrs. Moran's hedges. Which I'm sure Mrs. Moran will love in the morning.

"Sunny, we've got to be quiet in the house. My dad is sleeping, and if he knows you're here, it won't be pretty for any of us. Got that?"

She nodded.

I opened the door and, like I thought, Dad was asleep on the couch, a beer bottle spilled on the carpet where he had dropped it when he fell asleep with it in his hand. I rolled my eyes and hoped that Sunny wouldn't remember this.

I settled Sunny in Frank's old room since it has its own bathroom, and told her to lock the door and only unlock it if I was on the other side.

I went to bed and didn't sleep very well. I finally woke up around eight this morning and walked Sunny over to her house. She was in better condition than she was last night, but she had a hangover something fierce. I filled up a water bottle and grabbed some Tylenol and we started walking. Dad was still asleep on the couch.

I didn't ask anything. Sunny just used me as a confessional. Some of the things apparently needed some back story because I had no idea where some of it was coming from. But apparently the holidays are hitting her hard, dead mom and all. Plus she's sort of depressed because she feels like all of her friends are too busy with their boyfriends to hang out with her.

I dropped her off at her house, figured Dawn was still asleep, so I walked back to my house without stopping there, and went back to bed. I slept a lot better. Until Dad was banging on my door. I don't even know what he wanted.

Really, I don't care.

But I did finally get my cigarette. It was good.


	17. Chapter Seventeen: Ducky

Chapter Seventeen: Ducky 

December 23nd

It has been brought to your attention that Christmas is probably, by far, the best holiday ever.

Or perhaps you're just thinking that because you just got a really great present. Well, it has been a better day in your life and you write this entry with a smile.

Yesterday was, of course, the last day of school until next year. Your parents aren't coming home this year, but you don't really mind. You know that you will be able to spend the holidays with your fantastic boyfriend, and Alex mentioned something about you coming over for Christmas with his family. Sunny said that she was planning on dragging you to holidays parties after Christmas to keep her in line. You might even spend time with your brother.

But probably not.

However, today is a good day. Well, a good night, since it's nearly December 24th, well... wait... okay, it's December 24th now. You just watched the digital clock on the stove switch over to midnight.

The stove in Justin's kitchen you might add. Another night at Justin's house, this one not easily forgotten. Details? Details there shall be.

You left school and went to work, which is something you'll have to do over the holidays, but the store is closed Christmas and Sunny requested that you take off New Year's Eve for her, so you did that too.

Alex hung out at the store today. Something becoming common placed, and he wants to get a job there too because he hates his job, but after the last disaster with that, he's too scared to ask Mr. Winslow. So, until he can hold down the job he has now (bussing tables at Starburst's, stuck at the mall) for a few months, he's not going to ask about trying again at the bookstore. Hopefully soon, though. He's doing really well and you'd love to be working with him.

So for now he hangs out with you and stocks shelves on his own time.

"I can only take so much of Mom hovering over me," Alex says. He toys with a world religion book. He looks at you. "Do you believe in God, Ducky?"

"I never really thought about it," you admit.

"I have been. For a while now. I've been doing a lot of studying, trying to see if maybe God, or... something can help me. I've been wandering for a long time now, just wandering in nothing. I thought if I could find something to believe in, I could move on."

"Is it working?"

He smiles. "Not yet. Maybe religion isn't for me. But it was fun to think about."

You wonder if this is going somewhere. "Well, whatever you decide, you know I'm cool."

"Oh, whatever, Ducky, you're always cool." The two of you shelve books for a while when Alex asks, "So, plans tonight?"

"Justin's," you reply.

"Oh, speaking of, you know he's invited over for Christmas too, right?"

You smile. "I'll let him know."

After your shift, you take Alex home and then you go over to Justin's. You have a feeling of relief because there's no school in the morning, you don't have to be back at work until the 27th, and you have plans for tonight, and you have a... sort of family to join for Christmas.

This feeling of relief and peace is only added by a feeling of excitement when you reach Justin's. You park your car, grab the overnight bag you actually remembered to pack for once, and go up to the door. Your hand is poised to knock when you see a small sign over the door knob. In small letters it says "open me."

You grab the knob and open the door. Sure enough, it's unlocked. You walk inside, close the door behind you (locking it, because nice neighborhood or not, doors can't stay unlocked all night). You look around, and no one is in sight.

"Justin?" you call cautiously. You're curious, but you also figured he might as well know that the person who unlocked the door was the someone he was expecting. You walk around a bit, and see another sign pointing upstairs.

You smile and follow the signs. You reach the top of the stairs and you can see candlelight from Justin's room. The door is cracked open just slightly. You push open the door and Justin is sitting on the bed reading a book (You hope he hasn't been doing it too long, because he'll go blind reading by candlelight). He looks up at you.

"Hey."

You have to smile. "Hey. What's... all this?"

"Merry Christmas," he says. "I wanted to give you your present early. Before they all started rushing in."

You drop your bag on the floor. "What is it?" You have a feeling you know. Romantic lighting is a huge clue. Nervousness and excitement build up in your stomach. Somehow, you feel ready for it. All of your insecurities about Justin, all of the worries about school, it all melts away.

Justin reaches into his night stand and pulls out a box. Condoms? No, it's got shiny blue wrapping paper on it. And a silver bow.

You sit down next to him on the bed, feeling the pull of disappointment, but you have to admit, a present is nice. You brought Justin a gift too, but somehow, you didn't expect him to get you anything. You have no idea why you thought this, but you did anyway.

"I didn't bring your gift," you admit. "I was going to give it to you on Christmas."

"It's fine." Justin smiles. He hands you the gift. "Open it."

You hold the gift in your hand for a moment before pulling away the ribbon and ripping through the paper. It's a white box. You lift the lid and sitting on top of tissue paper is a silver chain. You pick it up and you notice that there's a small charm on it. You examine it closer, and it's a small silver ring. Smaller than anything you could wear. Sunny could maybe wear it on it her little finger, it's that small.

"Do you totally hate it?" Justin asks. His voice is full of the insecurity that usually fills yours.

You look at him. "I love it." It's an honest answer. You're completely moved. Without even thinking about it, your hand, the silver chain snaked between your fingers, finds its way around Justin's neck and you kiss him.

Thinking about it now, the new guitar case you got him, though needed and expensive, seems so totally un-intimate. But nothing can be done about it now.

Justin pulls you into a hug after the kiss. "This is what I wanted," he says. Then he kisses your neck softly.

"What? It was just a kiss."

"It was a good kiss." He laughs and touches your face. "I love you, Chris. I don't tell you that enough."

Your tongue feels twisted and too large for your mouth. Saying the words out loud, sometimes, you just can't make yourself say what you mean. Sometimes you wonder if your own emotions are half as important as everyone else's.

"It's okay," Justin says. He understands you so well sometimes. When you're alone. When it's just the two of you, he understands. "Honestly, you just... you told me how you felt when you kissed me."

It was cheesy, yes, but it was nice. So you kiss him again. And again. And again.

Both of you are pulling off shirts, unzipping pants (honestly, at that point you NEED to), and Justin pulls away.

"Do you want to do this?"

"Yeah," you reply without hesitation. You wanted it from the moment you walked into the room. You wonder if the necklace and the kisses were tests that it was okay to try this step again. It was great last time, but too soon. Now, it seems even more perfect. You're not nervous at all.

You're ready to lend a helpful hand to Justin's jeans, when he drops suddenly to floor. His hands rest on your thighs. "I'm in a giving mood."

"And I'm in no mood to argue," you reply.

He laughs. "Good." He pulls your jeans down around your ankles and then runs kisses up your left leg starting at the knee all the way up your thigh. After that, words leave you on how to describe. Let's just say that Justin can do things with his mouth you didn't realize were even possible. And the fingernail marks you left on his shoulder because of it aren't going anywhere too soon.

You realize, then, that Justin didn't bother with a condom and he has swallowed. Which makes you feel rather honored, but you have to mention-

"Condoms?" you say in a sort of asking tone.

"Oh," Justin replies. "Well, uh..."

"You're the only person I've been with," you say. "Don't worry. But is that a habit we want to get into?"

He shakes his head. "No, you're right."

You flop back on the bed. "Either way, that was amazing."

He crawled up next to you and kisses your neck. "Was it?"

"Mmmm...hmmm..."

Justin leaves a large hickey on your neck. It's scarf season for a reason, right? After he's done, he reaches into his night stand drawer again, this time retrieving condoms and a tube of lubricant.

"Where are we going with this one?" you ask, finally feeling a little nervous.

"Just fingers," he replies. "If you want to. If not, I'll just use to beat off or something."

"Well," you say, thinking it over for a moment, "I suppose I can try anything once."

When you're on your hands and knees on Justin's bed, his index finger (followed slowly by his middle finger) slipped into your anus, you remember the words of that Cro-Mag the first time they beat you up in the locker room. About you being the girl. Did this, right now, make you the girl?

It doesn't matter since what Justin is doing feels pretty damn good. It hurts, but in a good way. Some of the good comes from how when you make any sound, Justin asks, "Should I stop? Did that hurt?" Finally, you have to tell him the only reason for him to stop is if you say stop.

It only really hurts when he starts to move his fingers apart from each other, stretching outward. The whole thing is fantastic. Not only does it make you feel close to Justin, you feel mature. You feel adult. It probably just shows your immaturity that it took this act to make you feel adult, but at that moment, you don't care.

You roll over on your back when he's done.

"How was it?" Justin asks.

"Great," you reply. "You wanna try?"

His eyes light up. "You bet!"

So much for being the girl.


	18. Chapter Eighteen: Brendan

Chapter Eighteen: Brendan 

27 December

Where to start?

Brendan walks into the kitchen and sees a Amalia there, doing homework.

"What are you doing homework for? It's Christmas," he says, sitting down next to her. Since school let out for the holidays, homework has been the last thing on his mind. Not that recently, it's been on his mind much at all. Other things are clouding his vision.

"I'm a little behind," she admits. "So I got some extra credit work to do. Hopefully it can pull me up."

"Behind?" Brendan repeats.

"Band, work, everything."

"Everything" is code for "you, Brendan." He's the only thing that keeps her at the house. Well, not today, since her parents went to visit their future son-in-law's parents for the holiday, and she convinced them that she should stay. But why else would she do that, if it wasn't for him? As much as she likes his parents, she doesn't know them that well. She doesn't know them well enough to care this much about their needs.

He's been putting her through Hell on his own. He gets these ideas in his head and he drags her along. She probably just feels obligated to him. He hates the idea, but he really likes her. He wishes that he could make the situation better in his life, not just for the health of his parents, but to relieve the stress of this relationship.

Sometimes, he thinks, this isn't a relationship anymore. It's a job, and we're playing our parts.

Brendan gets the orange juice that he's after and goes back into his room. He wonders if this is what short-lived marriages feel like. What they feel like when they realize it's all been a mistake, because they just don't know each other well enough to make it. They can't say what they really mean (Not that Brendan has ever been very articulate) because they're to afraid of what the response might be. That saying it's over means moving on, even when this step was so quick. It's hard to let go of what you thought you always wanted.

Brendan thought once that he could be a baseball player. He thought once that he should join the ballet. Brendan, the Brendan writing this now, he doesn't think anymore. He doesn't know what he wants. There are only two thoughts in his mind, his father getting well, and Amalia.

In that order.

It's in these minutes when Brendan hears the call. The sound that could shatter his world.

"Call 911."

One word, three numbers. His stomach drops out, he suddenly can't move. He feels like his legs are moving through the mud as he walks to the door. His mother runs down the hall, he can see Amalia dialing the phone. He's stunned.

"Mom?" he says.

"Dad's having trouble breathing," she says. "Don't worry."

"You're calling 911. Dad can't breath. And I'm not supposed to worry?"

"Brendan," she says, and rushes back into his father's room.

He's useless. Brendan has found himself totally useless. The ambulance comes, and Mom leaves with Dad.

"What are we going to do?" Brendan asks. He and Amalia stand in the living room staring at each other.

"We need to get to the hospital," she says. "I'll call Ducky. My parents are still out of town."

She calls Ducky. The next thing Brendan remembers is sitting in the back seat of Ducky's car. Amalia is holding his hand. Ducky is driving. Justin is in the passenger seat.

"Are we almost there?" Brendan asks.

"Almost," Amalia replies.

The waiting room at the hospital is pretty empty. He looks around to the empty halls and tired receptionist. She tells us that we'll just have to wait.

"You can go home," Amalia says to Ducky.

"No," he says, "we can stay."

"You don't have to."

"You may need a ride home."

Brendan sits down.

"Are you okay?" Amalia asks. She sits down next to him and takes his hand. He pulls it away.

"I just... need to think," he says. It feels like a lie. He doesn't need to think, not when he can't. What he needs isn't someone asking him if things are okay, he needs someone to tell him things are going to be okay.

She pauses. "All right."

Ducky and Justin sit down across from them in another row of, though padded, highly uncomfortable chairs. The four of them sit in silence for what seems like hours, though is probably only a few minutes. Or maybe it is hours. Brendan will probably never be sure.

This is no way to spend the day after Christmas.

"Amalia," Brendan says, "we need to talk."

She looks up from the magazine she has been flipping through, but not reading. "Yeah?"

"I don't know if this is working out."

"Well, I think I need hot chocolate," Ducky says, jumping up.

"Me too," Justin says. They walk out of the waiting room, and Brendan can't help but notice that they leave holding hands and looking like the sort of couple that he and Amalia could probably never be.

Once they leave, Amalia turns to Brendan. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," he replies. "I don't think this, this you and me thing, I don't think it's working out."

"Why?" Her eyes are confused and Brendan feels a sting from putting them that way, but once this has started, he can't let it go.

"Because as much as I like you, you're the first person I met when I moved here, but I don't think you really feel the same way. I think you like having someone to fret over and to take care of, but... I don't think you really need a boyfriend for that."

She starts to say something, but he barrels on.

"I'm glad that I could be what you needed when you were getting out of a bad relationship. Maybe I just showed you that not every guy in the world was an asshole, but I don't think I'm what you're needing anymore. And if you think that you need to stay with me because of everything with Dad, you're wrong. Because, even though I threw you into crazy stuff that I just thought was a good idea, I'm okay. I'm dealing okay."

"I know you're okay," she says, not looking at him. Her eyes are on her hands. "And I do care about you."

"I never said you didn't. I think you could have better uses of your time. Maybe then, you wouldn't have to catch up on you work and just do it. All that everything won't be in your way."

Brendan feels like a weight has been lifted from him. A big, scary weight. He had spent so long worried that Amalia would leave him, that he can hardly believe that he's the one walking away.

"You're not in the way," she says, confirming that "everything" was him. He can hear tears in her voice and he looks at her to see that she's crying. Guy kicks in and he feels automatically guilty.

"Please don't cry," he says. "Please. Go find Ducky and Justin... have them take you home."

"There's no one at my house," she says.

Then, Brendan's mom comes down the hall. She looks at the two of them. "He's fine," she says. "He'll be fine. They're keeping him overnight, but he'll be fine." She blinks a few times. "How did you two get here?"

"Ducky drove us," Brendan says.

"Oh, well, have him drive you home. And thank him for me. I'm going to stay overnight with Dad and then we'll be home tomorrow, probably in the afternoon."

"Okay," he replies.

She leaves and Brendan and Amalia sit in the silence until Ducky and Justin come back into the room, peeking in warily beforehand. Amalia is still crying and Brendan is staring into his hands.

"We can go," Brendan says. "My dad's all right." Except for the fact that he has fucking lung cancer. No problem. It's all good.

They go to the car and because Amalia is still crying, Justin automatically lets her sit up front with Ducky. Brendan sits in the back seat with him in a stony silence, trying to put Amalia's tears out of his mind. He has to convince himself that there are other reasons behind her tears. Stress, relief that his father is okay. Relief that it's over? He hopes that he's not such an ego-maniac that he can believe all those tears are about him.

At his house, Ducky and Amalia walk to the door in a huddle. Justin gets out of the car only to get back into the front seat, but before Brendan can walk away, Justin (whom Brendan does not know all that well) grabs him by the shoulder and the two stare at each other for a minute.

Brendan isn't sure what Justin was trying to tell him in that stare, but he figures that he probably should have listened a little bit harder.

Or maybe he was just giving Ducky a minute to help Amalia settle in, a minute for them to talk. He could have just been reading too much into it.

Brendan finally goes into the house, and Ducky and Amalia are hugging in the kitchen. Ducky leaves, giving Brenda a pat on (strangely enough) the same shoulder Justin had grabbed. He leaves and Amalia and Brendan are alone in the house.

Perfect timing, Jones, he thinks. Break up with her right before the two of you are alone in the nice, big empty house. He knows it's a wrong thought, but he thinks it anyway. He might have been the one to end things, but only for her benefit. He still likes her quite a bit.

And then he realizes that they've been dating for nearly a year, and they've never made out. They've kissed, but nothing for more than thirty seconds. Amalia was too busy, he wasn't bold enough. He wonders if he had been a bit more bold and if she had a bit more time on her hands, how things would have ended up.

Amalia looks at him, and she goes upstairs.

Brendan sits in the kitchen, watching the clock change from second to second. He falls asleep there. He wakes up at four in the morning with one hell of a stiff neck. He turns off the light and goes upstairs to bed.

He wishes that he might not wake up.

But, of course, he does.


	19. Chapter Nineteen: Sunny

Chapter Nineteen: Sunny 

JANUARY FIRST!

God, I thought it would never get here. Last year was so crazy and confusing, I just prayed it would end. IT TOOK FOREVER.

Not that this year hasn't started off with a total bang. Bang as in BANG BANG. Dawn wouldn't appreciate my analogy. Bang means gun and gun means the root of all evil.

However, no guns were involved. Just a series of coincidences that led to me in a strange situation I could not have ever guessed. Well, maybe in some crazy fantasy that I would have loved to dream about for week.

But it's not a fantasy. But - from the beginning!

Being New Year's Eve and all, I decided that I should go to a party. I assigned Ducky to come with me, so he did, bringing along Justin and Alex.

When we got to the party (which was at a friend of Justin's house) I pulled Ducky aside. "This isn't some sort of double-date, is it? Because remember what happened the last time someone tried to set me up with Alex?"

"A, no. And B, he's changed," Ducky said. "Besides, he's not dating right now. He mentioned something about not even bothering with dating until after he graduates."

I nodded. "Okay, just checking."

"Because I know you want to go scam on every other guy here."

Again, I nodded. "Just the straight ones."

He laughed. "All right, all right. Just be careful, okay?"

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise," I said. A promise that I broke, by the way.

I was really glad that Dawn wasn't there to give me disapproving looks as I chugged down drink after drink. It sucked that her dad wouldn't let her go out in fear that she would be out with Christian and get her pregnant or something.

The party was great. I met Justin's friend, Eric, who is way hot, great arms. He seemed pretty interested in me, but something was telling me not to go there. Besides, it was early. Why would I want to settle down with one guy at nine?

Though Eric can dance. But he was busy playing host. He did make me a Cosmo which had way too much alcohol for my taste, but it was okay. He was being thoughtful.

It's not my fault I don't like beer which seems to be the only thing you can ever get at these parties. I guess it's easier to access than anything else. But Eric's parents have a very extensive bar. It was locked, but Eric picked the lock for me. He put it back, though, so people wouldn't be able steal all.

Which was smart. He did steal the vodka and we made spiked punch. It wasn't going nearly as fast as the beer, so I was pleased to find that I had plenty to drink.

Ducky drank one with me. He called me a lush, I said he could only hold girl drinks and we laughed. We were planning on spending the night, as opposed to driving home late on New Year's. So Ducky felt comfortable to drink.

Alex didn't drink. He looked pretty longingly at it, but he didn't have any. Instead, he drank a Coke and was pretty quiet.

"How are you?" I asked him.

"Socializing is still pretty new."

"You look like a deer in headlights," I said.

"Oh, good, then it shows."

I laughed. This was NOT the loser Alex I remembered. Actually, he seemed like a pretty cool guy.

"So," I said, "what did you think of coming back to good old Palo City and your friend Ducky was dating a guy?"

Alex shrugged. "It wasn't a surprise. I knew he wasn't straight. And when he was all nervous about telling me, it was just natural seeming."

"Can we stop talking about me like I'm not here?" Ducky asked. He handed me another shotglass of punch.

"This is fun," I said after we downed them.

He nodded. "This is. We haven't had time to just hang out like this... not since Thanksgiving."

Justin came up behind him and wrapped his arms around Ducky's neck. "How's it going?"

Ducky and I exchanged a look. His look was "what do you think?" and my look was "Oh my god, you guys are so hot." I don't know when it happened, but the two guys thing is really attractive to me. It's a little creepy sometimes since it's Ducky, but oh well.

"It's going great," Ducky replied. He put his hand over Justin's.

Justin grinned. "Great. Anyone up for a dance?"

"I think Sunny is." Ducky gave him a very pointed look.

"Very well, then, but I claim you next."

"Deal. Go."

Without even asking me (not that I minded), Justin took my hand and we went into the living room where the dancing was going on.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

Justin sort of rolled his eyes, but in a good way. "Chris wants us to be friends."

"We're not friends?" I asked.

"Apparently not good enough of friends," he replied. "So I'm taking the first step toward a better friendship. Or pushed into it. I don't know, no offense, but I just don't think about it."

"Our busy teenage lives are just too, well, busy for it."

"That, and... I don't know."

"It's hard to mush groups of friends."

"Exactly. But we have plenty of mutual friends." Justin paused. "But I think Chris is having a harder time with everything that's been going on than he's letting me know."

"I won't be your snoop," I said right away.

"Oh, I know. And I'm not asking you to. I was just saying that... I think he wants as much support around him as possible. And knowing that it all goes around, even to me, it'll make it that much... better? Safer?"

I grinned. "Brownie points for reading Ducky's mind. If I ever had any thought that you were unfit to be his boyfriend, they all just went away."

"I'm so glad I could please the best friend," Justin replied.

"Just because you have the Sunny seal of approval doesn't mean you get off that easy."

"I get off pretty easy," he said, raising an eyebrow.

I started laughing. "Okay, okay, maybe you do get off that easy. You have Ducky's heart and my humor, it's perfect."

I hoped Ducky was wrong. I hoped that things would work out for him and Justin. Because once I really got to know him (or at least, am in the process of it), I really like him. He's a good guy. Truly deserving of my Ducky.

The song ended and as promised, Ducky came over and danced with Justin. I got another drink and found some random guy to dance with.

It was about eleven o'clock at that point, when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, Ducky, come off it. You have a boyfriend way hotter than me to dance... with." My voice got caught in my throat. I forced a big smile to hopefully cover my shock.

Mr. Rutherford shook his head. "My boyfriend may be hot, but you might be able to hold a candle."

I laughed. "What are you doing here?"

"I was invited." He leaned in a little closer. "Turns out I'm a cool teacher. How did I do that?"

Probably because you treat us like humans not chewed bubble gum. Because you're hotter than Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, and the sun? Combined?

"No idea," I replied, trying to stay cool. But staying cool around a gorgeous grown man is way harder than staying cool around stupid teenage guys. "But I'm happy to see you here. It's a nice surprise."

"I didn't come to surprise you," he said, raising his eyebrows.

I probably blushed, but the lights were low so hopefully he didn't notice. "Don't you have to report underage drinking?"

"A lose cool teacher status? I'd rather die."

I laughed. "Okay, okay. So you just watch on the sidelines?"

"Pretty much," he replied. "I have to wonder if it's creepy. I mean, I'm like ten years older than everyone here. At least when I ran into you at the club, there were other people my age there."

"Are you sure you didn't come to surprise me?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. "You seem to be following me."

"I'm not... I'd never! If anyone were to find out... but there's nothing to- I'd-" Mr. Rutherford was stuttering. It was so cute!

I danced a circle around him. "Do you have a crush on me?"

Chances are, if I hadn't had the drinks in me, I never in my life would have asked that, but since I did, I did.

"I'm your teacher," he said. However, he wasn't looking at me like a teacher should be looking at a student.

"This is a high school party."

"Exactly. I'm the only one here drinking legally."

"You should just buy the drinks," I said.

"I'd never do that."

"Gonna tell me the biological reasons why alcohol is bad for undeveloped minds?"

Mr. Rutherford smiled. "Actually, there are none. I mean, in excess, yes, but small amounts of alcohol isn't going to hurt anyone. In other countries, kids drink wine from infancy, and those countries have a lower rate of alcoholism than America."

"Fascinating. Teach me more."

"Can't think of anything."

I took the beer out of his hand. "This is bad for you, then." I took a sip, even though it tasted bad. "Mmmmm..."

"I... think this is a bad place for this."

"It's dark, no one will see," I said, standing on my tip toes, hissing in his ear.

I felt that comfortable hand on my back again. I could practically see the contemplating in Mr. Rutherford's eyes. Him weighing out what to do.

Finally, I took the matter into my own, drunk hands. "I know this house is full of empty rooms. Empty bedrooms."

If I had been in the least more sober, none of this would have happened. But I kept making the moves. I don't know what happened, really. I just know that we didn't make it to the empty bedrooms.

We went upstairs wordlessly. There weren't as many people upstairs as there were on the ground floor, but they were here and there. We found a dark hallway and that was when Mr, Rutherford pushed me against the hallway wall and kissed me rather roughly on the mouth.

"Ohh," was what came out of my mouth when he was done. "Wow."

"I've wanted to do that for a while now."

"Mr... Ruther...ford?" It felt weird to call him that when his tongue had just been in my mouth.

He laughed. "Call me Lew."

"Lew," I repeated.

"It's short for Lewis."

"Lewis... don't you have a really cool middle name?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "And I'm not saying what it is."

I slipped my arm around his neck. "Maybe I can get it out of you."

"Never. It's my deepest, darkest secret."

I did a terribly unsexy pelvic thrust sort of thing against his thigh. I raised an eyebrow. "Somehow, I think it's not anymore."

He kissed me again, this time moving his mouth down my neck and over my shirt. He bypassed my boobs (which, in my experience with guys, this doesn't happen) and dropped onto his knees. He reached up under my skirt.

"Mis... uh, Lew?" I said.

He was kissing my panties, and I had to admit it was a total turn on, except for one detail. He looked up at me. "Don't worry, this isn't bad."

"I know it's not," I said, "but, uh... not tonight?"

"No time like the present," he said. His fingers pulled on the waistband of my panties and started to pull them down. "Women should never wear underwear."

I slapped my hands over his to stop him. "I'd be all for it, except I'm currently... I'm wearing a tampon."

Lew laughed, resting his head against my thigh. His hair tickled. He looked up at me again. "I know you're used to high school guys. Believe me, Sunny, men aren't phased. The decent ones anyway."

Looking back on it, this probably wasn't decent, but I went with it.

"Well... okay."

Consent given. Which made me think of that discussion with Dad about the age of consent. I wondered again what it was, but it didn't seem to matter when Lew has his mouth on my crotch.

Dark hallway and half drunk on my period was NOT my fantasy. I felt half aware and what I was aware of was wondering what I smelled like down there and if I was leaking. If it was bad, Lew didn't make any notice of it.

However, the fact that Lew Rutherford, my bio teacher that I've been crushing on all year just went down on me was a good fantasy come true. Circumstances, whatever. Worse things have happened.

"Sunny," he said in this husky voice, "you know you can't tell anyone about this. Not your friends, not anyone."

"I know," I said, even though my first instinct was to go report the events to Ducky.

"I've been so attracted to you since you walked into the door on the first day. Last year, Sunny, before you were even in my class. God, I've wanted you."

"I've wanted you too," I said.

"Then..." He buried his face in my neck for a moment. He looked at me. "Sunny, I don't want to stop. I don't want this to be some stupid fling at some stupid party."

No words. I couldn't speak.

He wrote down his address on a slip of paper. He gave it to me. He slipped it in the waistband of my panties so I wouldn't lose it and no one would see it.

He left. I fell asleep, missing it flipping over to midnight.

I would have thought it was all a dream, except I woke up with that paper in my underwear.

Now, I'm one confused Sunny. I can't tell anyone. I can't ask anyone for advice. Do I continue?

I want to. I want to so badly.

All the things that could go wrong seem trivial. The common sense part of me says that they aren't and things probably will go wrong, but who am I to tempt fate when it's screaming in my ear? How could I say no, when he's saying yes? When all of me is saying yes too?

It might be wrong. In fact I know it's wrong, but I'm ready to dive in head first.


	20. Chapter Twenty: Dawn

Chapter Twenty: Dawn 

January 5th

It's times like these that I'm glad I write in my journal. When I'm confused.

After school, I went over to Christian's house for the first time. We were going to do homework. As we walked there from school, Christian sort of gave me this weird warning. Let's remember that I had to BEG him to let me come over. I'm really curious about his life. He edges around the band, and is totally closed off from his home life to me.

"Just remember," he said, "that it's just my dad and me, so the house doesn't stay very clean."

"It's fine. I've been to Ducky's house. You guys can't be worse than him and his brother." I thought that was a pretty convincing argument, since I've been to their house and found three month old milk in the fridge and neither of them knew it was there. Christian, however, didn't look convinced.

"It's a wreck," he said. "And... we don't have a lot of furniture. After my mom left, my dad sort of... he went a little crazy and sold most of our stuff."

"Oh... I'm sorry," I said.

"But he won't be there. He shouldn't be home until after seven, at what point we'll be gone. You don't want to meet my dad. He's a prick, and would... well, let's just leave it at that."

I was curious. Dad may be a pain sometimes (especially when Christian is involved), but I'd never say such things about him. But then again, after the divorce Dad didn't sell all our stuff. And from the little Christian has said, his dad is an alcoholic. But that's just what I've been guessing, since I'd never met him and Christian says so little.

"Anyway," Christian pushed on, his voice doing this "I'm trying to keep things light, but it's really not working" thing, "we can stay in the kitchen, which is gross, or we can go up to my room which is the only room that anyone goes into on a regular basis."

"That will work." At my house, on either coast, boys aren't allowed in my room, but this wasn't my house. This was Christian's and we could do homework in his room if we wanted to.

I had to admit, I was pretty curious about Christian. We've been dating for about six months now, and honestly, I don't know a lot about him. I guess we've just been on the same wavelength (most of the time) and details haven't seemed important. But all of a sudden, I'm dying to know.

"Have you talked to Mary Anne?" he asked.

I gave him a funny look. "Why would I talk to Mary Anne?"

"I don't know. Make amends? You haven't told me anything about what happened over Christmas between you two."

"It was nothing," I said. "And I mean nothing. We didn't talk, we didn't look at each other. We just acted like the other one wasn't there. The best time I had over the entire vacation was hanging out with Stacey, Claudia, and Cokie. With them, I was at least comfortable. At home, I was stuck with Mary Anne, suffocating me by ignoring that I existed. Mom and Richard could tell something was up, but even if they asked, it's not like either of us were going to say anything. I might be angry at her, but I don't want her throwing anymore unmanned objects at my head, thanks."

Christian sort of had to keep from laughing. He covered it up with a cough. "I'm just saying, she's your sister-"

"She is NOT my sister. She's my step-sister. I spent two years thinking she was wonderful and sensitive. Yeah, she's only sensitive to herself. If you step one foot out of her perfect Mary Anne order, you suddenly can't do anything right and you get stuff thrown at you. She's a horrible, wicked bitch."

I felt bad saying those things about Mary Anne. I know, I know. She hates me, and I'm not too happy with her, and those things are how I feel, and I felt pretty honest, but I still felt bad saying them.

Christian didn't try to lecture me or anything, he just took my hand and we finally got to his house. It looked pretty big for only two people living there.

"Five people used to live here," he said, reading my thoughts. "You'll get used to the echo after a bit."

"Echo?" I repeated.

"Walking around, talking. It's big spaces and no furniture. Lots of echo. Once you get upstairs where there's carpeting, it's not bad. Plus there's stuff up there." Christian unlocked the door and we went inside.

He was right. The living room only had a couch, a coffee table, and a TV. It was like someone just erased the other half the room. The coffee table was littered with beer bottles and dirty paper plates. I looked away so Christian wouldn't catch me staring.

I walked into the kitchen, which on a cleanliness scale made the living room look fantastic. I had to admit, this was WAY worse than Ducky's house. Maybe because all the walls and cabinets were white? Perhaps it just made it look worse than it was.

"Do you want a Coke or something?" Christian asked.

"No, thanks," I replied. Half of that was because I don't drink Coke. The other half was because I honestly wasn't sure what would be living on it.

Christian got one for himself. He tried to block the refrigerator, but I could see a twelve pack of beer sitting in it. I felt a wave of sadness for him.

We went upstairs to his room, which was, by far, the neatest room in the house. Which is saying something since it IS a teenage guy's bedroom.

"So," I said, looking around. "Now what?"

"Homework?" he asked. He dropped his backpack on the floor and sort of stared at it. He looked up at me with raised eyebrows.

I dropped my backpack too and kissed him. He stumbled backwards, against a wall and we both started laughing.

"Oh man, I've created a monster," he said. "A making out monster."

"Hey, in the five months we've been dating, this is exactly the second time we've had enough privacy to actually do this. You know, I'm not missing out on another opportunity."

"How can I resist that logic?"

"You can't." We went over to his bed, which was a little scary, but the last time we made out it was on a bed. But it wasn't HIS bed. There's a difference.

I wasn't really paying attention to the time, my mind was a little occupied. We did discover that if we've going to make out lying down, me on top is bad because my hair gets totally in way. It was really funny. I'm still new to all of this. I haven't asked Christian exactly HOW experienced he is, but he certainly seems to know what he's doing.

Anyway, I wasn't paying attention to the time, and suddenly Christian (who was very shirtless and rather sweaty which was really hot) jumped up.

"SHIT!" he said.

"What?" I sat up.

"He's home early. It's only six-thirty."

Well, six-thirty meant I should be home, but from the look on Christian's face, I wasn't going anywhere. Knowing that his dad was home, I buttoned up my shirt (was that moving too fast? It didn't feel too fast) and slid off the bed. "Christian?"

"We've got to get you out of the house without him seeing you," he said, not really paying attention to me.

"Are you not supposed to have people over?" I asked.

"That's not important, but..." he looked at me and his face was so confused. "Dawn, he's an asshole. He'll see you, young and beautiful, and he'll hit on you, and it won't be good. It'll be creepy and you'll probably never want to see me again."

"Let me decide that," I said. "Until then, let's figure this out. I don't care about your dad. I can ignore him and leave."

Christian didn't look convinced, but he agreed.

We went downstairs, and though he looked pretty sober, Mr. Delgotto acted like he was already drunk. "Hey, Cristo, who's the babe?"

"This is Dawn. She's leaving now."

"Aww, your little bunny doesn't want to stay for a drink?" He winked at me. I started to feel sort of ill.

"No, she doesn't. We're leaving." Christian practically shoved me out the door. He walked with me to the end of his sidewalk and then he sort of crumbled on the driveway. He just sat down.

"Christian?" I sat down next to him. By the time I was sitting, he was already crying.

"This is why I didn't want to you to come over. I didn't want you to see. My stupid drunk father, my shitty house."

"It's not you," I said, touching his face. "None of that is you."

"It could be. It practically is."

"But it's not. And it's obvious that you don't want it, so you won't have it. You can make those choices."

There was something in his eyes that I couldn't detect. But he smiled. "Thanks, Dawn. Thank you so much." He stood up, and then helped me up. "Want me to walk you home?"

"No, it's okay. Unless you just want to get away for a while."

He shook his head. "I guess I have to face this."

We kissed and I walked home. And now I need to do my homework, since I didn't do any of it there.

Later, 5th

Really, is that too fast? It feels right, it feels good, but is what feels good always what's right? What's too far? How will I know?

After everything that happened with Mary Anne, I'm wary about going to far, but... it might get harder and harder to resist.


	21. Chapter Twenty One: Amalia

Chapter Twenty-One: Amalia 

1/11

MARCH 10TH! That's when Vanish's CD is coming out. It won't be sold at Target or anything, but we'll sell it at shows and Rainah has a guy setting up a website and we can sell it on there. Rainah is setting up a photoshoot with the band later this week so there will be pictures of them for the lining. Which won't have lyrics in it or anything. It'll be a little one sheet flip open thing with some pictures and a song list. Rainah showed me the design of it.

It's really exciting.

In other news, I'm starting to feel like I'm moving on from the whole Brendan thing. Because of breaking up (or being dumped), I should have more time, right? Like all that time I spent at Brendan's should now be lumped into me having lots of time on my hands, right?

No. All that time got spread out into everything else. Plus I'm spending about half an hour a day looking through bridal magazines for Isabel. Long engagement my ass. Does it take a year to plan a wedding? Screw all of this, when that time comes, I'm eloping.

Today was normal. School, then work at the bookstore. Work is getting interesting as our numbers grow.

I'm shelving books with Alex and Ducky is taking care of customers. Mr. W comes in, does some stuff in the back and he starts to leave when he pauses. He looks at Alex.

"Do you work here?"

"No," Alex says.

"So why are you working?"

"I like it here. I'm friends with Ducky."

"And you come here to work?" Mr. W asks.

"Pretty much. No sense standing around uselessly."

"Okay. And why aren't I paying you?"

"Um," Alex says, "because I don't work here?"

"Let's go fix that."

Alex is official member of the Winslow Books staff.

"Are you going to quit your job at Starburst's?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Probably not right away. I have enough time to hang out here and work there and get all my homework done. Why should I bother quitting when I have that much time?"

It must be nice, I think.

Wait, Mami's calling for me.

Later, 1/11

That was Rainah on the phone. Vanish's photoshoot is set for the 15th, this Saturday. Now I just have to keep things together until then.

I'm glad the recording drama is over. The first issue was that we couldn't use any of the songs that James worked on because we didn't have his permission, and none of us really cared enough to get it. Or at least, no one wanted to deal with James for something he'd surely say no to.

The bad part was that James had written MOST of the songs they do. They had the four that Maggie wrote (and Rico and/or Bruce did music to), but all except Hollywood Lies (Maggie hates the title, but I think it covers the song well) are slow songs. Vanish is a rock band and we want a variety music on it. We had This is War which Rico wrote and that wasn't a problem. Solution? Write new songs.

Maggie, Rico and Bruce argue for days over lyrics and music. Finally, a song comes out of it. Rico does most of the lyrics, and I'm pretty sure it's about Claudia. Maggie changes it into a gender neutral song because she refuses to sing that she loves a girl.

Bruce is the only one who's really happy with it. He writes another song on his own without them, and I approve it right away because it's good and it because I don't want to deal with the drama of that again.

I hadn't written about that. Now it's pretty funny, especially since we have a great lineup of songs. This is War, Hollywood Lies, Hey Down There, Water Runs Dry (Bruce's song), Midnight Eyes (Rico's song) and Fallen Angel.

Record, record, CD made.

However, things are tense around the Chavez's garage. Rico, Bruce, and Maggie seem to always be at each other's throats and I'm playing referee. Justin and Patti are trying to stay out of it, and I don't blame them. I'd stay out of it if I could.

But that's all in the past now. Now I just have to worry about getting them to the photoshoot without any bloodshed, and then waiting it out until the CD is released.

Homework is getting out of control, but I think I can handle it.

1/15

So much for handling it, huh, Nbook? I'm averaging a D in Math, but I brought both English and Bio up to B's. Bio is only because Sunny lent me her terribly extensive notes. Report cards came out Friday.

Yuck. I have an A in World History, though. I have no idea how I pulled that out.

Today I accompany the band to their photoshoot. On the outside, it was fun. They dress up in a ton of different outfits. At the end of the month we'll get to see all the prints and pick out the images we want.

Maggie freaks out about all the outfits she tries on, Patti is having a blast being a fashion model. Bruce complains about wearing a tie. Rico says his shoes look stupid. Justin is the only one of them who isn't complaining. I think he actually likes the matching black suits the guys are in.

For the most part, the guys stay in the same thing, changing ties occasionally. Maggie and Patti probably wore twenty outfits each. I guess girls are more fun to dress than boys? My favorite is the outdoor beachy shot with Maggie and Patti in white dresses (different styles, Maggie's is very classic, loose and flowy and Patti's is strapless with a multi-colored scarf around her waist) and it's all windy. Well, a wind machine is blowing on them.

"I like this look," I say when they all changed into this crazy 80's looking outfits. Even the guys changed out of the suits (I guess they wanted a totally different look just in case "formal" isn't the feel they're going for).

"Oh, yeah," Maggie says, looking at her teased, hairsprayed hair in the mirror. She looks like she stepped out of Flashdance. "I like the other outfits better. Those at least felt like me. This... isn't me."

"I'm a gutter punk!" Bruce says, running into the makeup room. He holds his hands out to me. His nails are painted black. "This is completely fake. Suits and ties were better than this."

"I think it's funny," I say.

"Well, do something about it, because this... this is too far."

"Amalia, I'm not too sure about this." Justin walks into the room. His hair has been spiked and spray painted green. "I'm trying to be easy going, but... what the hell?"

"I'll go talk to Rainah," I say. I run down the hall and find Rainah. "Um... everyone is a little concerned about this..." I explain the situation.

"They're just trying to get an idea of what they want," Rainah says. Chances are, if the bands is this uncomfortable, the pictures will turn out that way and they won't get used. Just let the photographers do their job. They have an idea of what they want from this, but it will be the band's choice in the end."

I report back to Maggie and everyone, feeling like a messenger service. They get their pictures taken in these outfits in front of a (fake) brick wall. Even though they all did look pretty uncomfortable, I thought the pictures were cool.

I'm totally going to have to buy a print just for the sake of having it. Maggie will hate me, but I think it may be worth it.

Another dress change, this time it's finally relaxing. Okay, the studio had closets and racks covered in clothes. This time, the last one, they tell them to pick out whatever they want to wear.

I really think that these pictures are the ones that are best. Everyone is in jeans and nice (regular) shirts. They looks happy, joking with each other and laughing. Bruce's nails are still painted black, though.

"When I'm not in a leather jacket and jeans with holes in the knees, the nail polish is kind of cool," he admits. He looks over at Justin. "Now if I could just get Justin to do my hair and give me a facial, I'd be set."

Justin, with good nature, throws a bottle of hairspray at Bruce's head. "Hair's done. Do you really want that facial, now?"

I laugh. Finally, the band seems to be back like themselves. I was actually kind of worried there. I think I might still be. But a couple of fights, a few tense moments, that doesn't mean anything. It's a stressful time right now. And it's almost over.

Things are looking up. In less than two months, we'll have a CD, things will be set, and life will be good. Right?

I'm glad to be this busy for once. It keeps my mind off of everything else.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two: Ducky

Chapter Twenty-Two: Ducky 

January 18th

Not really sure... where to begin. In fact, you honestly don't feel like writing in your stupid journal right now. But what else are you going to do? Isn't this what you always do? Isn't this the answer to everything, writing in your journal? No.

It never has been. It's not now.

January 19th

If it wasn't for the fact that this journal isn't a person, you'd probably feel guilty for writing what you did yesterday. Yesterday wasn't easy. Today was even harder.

From the beginning, yesterday started off normal enough. You went to school. After school, you're hanging out by Dawn's locker, talking to her.

"Have you talked to Sunny lately?" she asks.

"Earlier," you reply. "I'm giving her a ride home from school. Why?"

"She hasn't really talked me in a while... I don't blame her, I guess, but it's been like a month, and she's been pretty short with me."

"What happened?"

"Oh, we went to this party and she got trashed and I yelled at her. It was... normal, I guess, but I was just so disappointed. But... has she said anything?" Dawn looks at you with this look that is obviously "tell me what's going on, but I'm not going to ask you to say anything you don't want to."

"No, she hasn't... if I'd known, I would have asked her. If you want, if you don't mind."

"I know you'll be discreet. But don't... if you don't want to." She looks a little pained.

"I'll talk to her," you say. You end up not, mostly because you have other things on your mind.

"Thanks, Ducky. I just wish she wouldn't shove me away all the time. I guess I do the same thing, though." Dawn sighs. "I miss my best friend, you know?"

You nod.

"So, what are you doing tonight?" she asks. She rummages through her locker for something. Notebook paper falls out, so you lean down to pick it up.

"Not much. I'm off today, but Justin has track until four-thirty. He's meeting me at my house and we'll... do whatever."

Dawn raises an eyebrow and takes the paper from you. "Whatever?"

You laugh. "You're just as bad as Sunny!"

"Me? Never!" She laughs too.

"All of you, you're all perverts," you say. "You all take everything the wrong way. Not everything is about sex."

"You know," Dawn says casually, "I'm just discovering exactly a lot is about sex."

"Dawwwwwn! Spill it."

She raises her hands in defense. "Nothing has happened. Just some innocent kissing."

"Mmhmm." You wait for her to complete the thought.

She blushes slightly. "And some less than appropriate touching."

You laugh. "See, two can play this game."

"Fair's fair," she agrees. "We'll just drop it, then."

You say good-bye to Dawn, still laughing a little, feeling pretty good. You walk out to the parking lot where you're meeting Sunny. You cross over to where the lot goes from blacktop to gravel (the crappy end of the lot) and you see something strange about your car.

And there it is. Across the entire passenger side of the car, from the back all the way to the front, spray painted in huge red letters, FAGGOT.

Writing that gives you chills and makes you sick.

You just stare. You sort of fall against the car next to yours and just stare. Things had been getting better. You hadn't been bothered in a few weeks, you thought it was dying down. But now this. Out of nowhere. No, not out of nowhere. Just a planned attack.

Probably some club initiation, you think, trying to rationalize this in your head. Probably some stupid dare. Idiots. Cro-Mags. Whatever.

You wonder if you actually know these people. You wonder if you went up to Jay and asked him who did it if he would be shocked, or hem and haw an unconvincing "I don't know." You wonder if you're going to cry, hit something, or scream, but you just stand there, leaning against that car, staring at that awful word, feeling numb.

You can't even manage emotion.

"Ducky, why are you just standing- oh. Oh my god." Sunny has come up behind you. You're pretty sure that you can figure out when she sees it.

"Who did this?" she asks.

"No idea," you say. Or at least you're pretty sure you said it. The amount of thoughts running through your head, it's possible you just thought it.

She heaves a sigh and wraps her arm around your waist. You put your arm around her shoulders and the two of you, leaning against each other, stare at your car for a while.

Finally, Sunny stands up straight. "Let's go."

"In the car?" you ask, feeling pulled out of your haze for the first time.

"How else? There's nothing we can do about it standing here. So let's just get in the car and go. Let's go to your house. We can think of something there. If nothing else, we can get some cardboard or something to cover it until we can get the money to have it painted."

It sounds like a plan. It felt like a few extra hours were tacked onto the drive home. You know it's all in your head, but it was like you could feel every person walking down the street staring at your marked car.

Sunny sits up very straight with her head held high. Easy enough for her, it's not a slanderous remark about her spray painted onto her property. You try not to feel bitter toward her, since it's not her fault and she's doing everything she can to help you and protect you.

You finally pull into your drive and the two of you go inside. You wordlessly fix something for the two of you to eat. You and Sunny sit in the kitchen. She munches on the veggies, but you don't have much of an appetite.

"I hate this!" Sunny exclaims. "I hate it that you have to deal with this, and I hate it that you won't do anything about it!" She slams her fist down on the table. "You have to report this, Ducky."

"It won't do any good," you say dully. "Even if someone saw, it was probably some popular Cro-Mag that no one would dare cross, and you're going to sit here and tell me that I should? That it would honestly make things better?"

"If it would get one asshole out of the way, then yes!"

"But it won't. It'll just spawn two more."

Sunny is angry. You can tell. She's angry at the people who did this. She's angry at you. She doesn't say anything, though.

The two of you sit there in silence. Very tense silence.

You hear a car pull into the drive and you look at the clock. It's quarter to five, which means it's Justin, as opposed to Ted. Time passed quickly, you didn't even know it had gone.

Sunny looks at you and you stand up.

"It's Justin."

She nods and stays put. You walk outside.

Justin is standing out there looking at your car. The look on his face isn't unplaceable. Through it all, you notice that his hair is still wet from post-practice shower. He smells of soap and spearmint gum.

He looks at you and takes your hand. "Are you okay?"

"No," you say, much harsher than you meant. Or maybe you did. It came out sounding much different than it did in your head.

Justin flinches. "I... I'm sorry. I just... what happened?"

"It's pretty cut and dry. I came out after school-" You cut yourself off. Hearing the words "I came out" somehow struck some terrible chord with you. You stand there, hanging in mid sentence, and try to sort through your thoughts.

"Yeah?" he prompts.

"It was already there when school let out," you rephrase hastily.

"Oh. Chris, I'm so sorry." Justin pulls you to him and starts to hug you, but you practically rips yourself from his grip. He looks shocked, like you slapped him. "What?"

"Nothing, I, I just don't want to be... nothing. Nothing. You wouldn't understand." You can't put into words what you're thinking. You can think that you're suddenly afraid what might happen if you and Justin hug out in the open, but you can't bring yourself to say it. You can't seem to bring yourself to say anything.

"Maybe I would understand if you told me anything," Justin says, throwing up his hands.

"What's that supposed to mean?" you ask.

"It means that whenever it comes to anything real, anything that you're feeling, you shove me out. It's like telling me anything would kill you. I've done everything I can think of to be close to you, and I've got nothing. You keep me at an arm's length all the time. If you'd just tell me something."

Numbness is washing away and you're starting to feel angry. Most of the anger, you know now, is misplaced, but there's not much that can be done about it now.

"You want to know? You want to hear? Fine, here it is. Every day I get called a fag at least once. I spend every gym class fearing that ten minutes in the locker room. It's like a time bomb, wondering if today the assholes are going to make huge jokes about me sucking their dicks for the laughs. It's a huge hit. Last month, you know what was stuck in my locker? It was a note. You know what it said? Do you want to hear? It said 'God hates homos. Kill yourself and go to Hell.' Which makes me wonder exactly how Godly that person was, but I threw it away and tried not think about it. However, when I'm lying awake at night, dreading that next at school, it's hard not to."

"Why didn't you say anything?" he says. You can barely hear his voice.

"How could I when you're living in your perfect little world, where you're some gay superhero. Maybe if people admired me going into this, it would be different. If I had said anything, would you even believe that the wonderful people at Vista who admire you for your big hetero sacrifice could do something like this?"

"I'd believe you! I'm not blind, Chris. I'm not stupid. I know that shit like this happens. If you'd told me about it, we could have gotten through it together, but you always just bottle everything up and don't say anything. I never know if things are okay, or if there's something wrong. You always push me away when it comes to anything important. I'm not psychic. I don't know how... how to trust you."

"Then don't worry about it," you say. You start to back away.

"That's it, then? That's it, it's over?" Justin stares at you. "It's one fight."

"It's not fixing anything."

"How do you know? Why do you do this? Why do always just run away? You ran away from telling me, and now that you have, that it? I don't believe this. One fight and it's over? Did any of it mean anything?" His voice lowers into a strained sound. "Didn't... Christmas Eve? Didn't that mean anything? I... was it just some..."

You can feel tears building up behind your eyes, but you're refusing to cry. "I... I need to think about this." You go back inside. By the time you've closed the door, you're crying freely.

Sunny's waiting by the door and she holds you. She doesn't say anything, she just lets you cry. After some time, you're not sure how long, she asks, in this slow, gentle tone, "What happened?"

"We broke up," you say. "I broke up with him."

"Why?"

"All the stupid reasons."

"If they're right, they're not stupid," she says.

"I don't know, then. I just know that it's over. And all I feel is empty."

Sunny stays a while. We don't talk. She does homework, you stare into space. Finally, around nine, you walk her home. You'd drive her, but that would be a huge reminder of your day, so you simply walk. She doesn't even mention taking the car.

The walk back alone seems longer, even though it's not like you and Sunny were chatty or anything. When you get back, you find the house is empty and hollow, just like you.

You try to do some homework, but all the words are just blurring together. It's a waste of time. You try to write in your journal. You go to bed at ten o'clock.

It's eight-thirty the next morning when you wake up, already late for school. Instead of hurrying around, you take your time. You're already late, who's going to miss you?

You eat some breakfast that tastes like sawdust. It was cereal. Or maybe fruit. You can't remember. You walk back into the bathroom for a shower. You pull your shirt over your head and look at yourself in the mirror.

Despite the fact that you slept for ten hours, you have dark circles under your eyes. You notice the silver chain Justin gave you for Christmas. You grab it and pull it off. You toss it into the trash. Your shower and feels like you're drowning.

You walk to school.

Well, you walk halfway to school. You were on your way when you just end up at the beach. It's empty, but considering that it's the middle of January, it's not surprising. You sit on the cold sand and stare at the ocean.

It wasn't the most productive day. You suddenly can't imagine what it's going to be like at school. Does anyone even know? Who has Justin told? Did Sunny tell anyone? Probably. You suddenly remember Dawn saying that Sunny hadn't really talked to her a month. Would this bring them together? Do you want the questions why? They seem so far away, the problems, the questions, the reasons.

You go back home and pull the necklace out of the trash. The clasp is broken on it now, but that seems about right. Everything is broken.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three: Christian

Chapter Twenty-Three: Christian 

January 28th  
Friday  
10:58AM

Parties in the middle of the week are such a bad idea. I'm not at school today, but that's really for more than just the fact that I didn't get in until three in the morning. I should really know better than to let Tristan talk me into anything.

Tristan came and picked me up around six-thirty. We went up around Palo Tech for one of the college parties, which surprised me since none of them are in college. I've been to college parties, but not usually. I spent the last five years going to high school parties, college parties turned out to be not that much different. The girls just have bigger boobs.

"I didn't know Thursday was such a big party night," I said.

"It is when you know where to go," Tristan replied. This is code for "These guys don't care about their lives either so they just party all the time."

I knew that, and I didn't insist on going back. Really, I just felt like I could relax. I feel bad about it NOW, but at the time, it felt sort of nice to just go to a party and know that I didn't have Dawn looking over my shoulder.

We went inside, and the house was pretty much packed with tons of people. All I could smell was alcoholic breath, cigarette smoke, and pot. Tristan got me a plastic cup of beer. Then he ran off with some girl. I'll never understand how a creep like that can always hook up five minutes into a party.

I wandered around the party, sipping on my second beer, feeling stupid since I didn't know anyone. It was too far for me to walk back home. I could have taken the bus, I guess, but it was cold out (I'm a spoiled California boy. This 50 degree winter is killing me), and I could just wait out Tristan.

I walked upstairs to hopefully find a nice bathroom to kill some time in, when I noticed that one of the doors was open halfway.

I peeked in, assuming that it wasn't a couple, because even drunk or high, they always close the door. And even if it was, I could use a show. Nope, not a couple. There were about seven people in there, sharing a bong.

"Come on in!" One of the girls shouted. She waved me in and patted the empty space next to her on the floor.

I did and sat there. I took a few hits and leaned against the dresser, not feeling too bad. I still had about half my beer left, so I drank that and watched the strangers in the room chatter. They sounded like birds.

I sort of dozed off, and woke up to two of the people having sex on the bed, not even minding that I was there. I looked over and the girl who had invited me in was staring at them. She rolled her head over and looked at me.

"Hot, huh?"

"It's just sex," I said. "Been there, done that."

"No way. You're like sixteen."

"Yeah, so?"

She laughed. "You should still be virginal and innocent."

I shrugged. "I'm not. Besides, how innocent could I be when I just smoked pot and drank a couple of beers?"

"Hmph. High school stuff. Let me show you what's really bad." She raised an eyebrow and placed a hand on my thigh. "You want to be really bad, don't you?"

I wasn't really looking at her face, but down her shirt, so I just nodded. She took my hand and we walked into the bathroom. I guess we could kill some time here. She locked the door and motioned for me to sit on the toilet. I dropped the lid and sat.

She busied herself at the sink for a minute and I looked over and saw that she was setting up coke lines. There were just three of them. Thick ones, though. They looked rough, no matter how finely she cut them.

"Been here done this too," I said.

"Awww, does that mean you don't want to play?" She fingered the blade end of the razor in her hand. "Come on, baby, play with me?"

"It's been a while, but... I guess it won't kill me." Well, it could, but that wasn't the point. I knew it was a bad idea. I've been in this situation before. I KNEW it was wrong, I KNEW that I should leave, but I didn't. Why? I'm an idiot. That doesn't even begin to cover it.

She handed me a rolled up dollar bill and I snorted a line of the coke. It HAD been a while. I'd forgotten the pain and then the rush. I stumbled backwards and fell against the shower door. I laughed and she, after she snorted her own line, started laughing with me. I slid down the door and sat on the floor.

"So, you've done all this," she said, dropping to her hands and knees and crawling across the bathroom floor toward me. "What else have you done?"

"Nothing impressive," I said. I reached up and wiped the residue away from her nose. She kissed me. First slowly, then with a lot of tongue.

I moved my head away. "I don't want to kiss you."

"Of course you don't." She unbuttoned my jeans.

"I don't want that either," I said.

"Of course you don't," she repeated. However, she didn't stop and I didn't stop her. I was thinking about that other coke line on the sink. I watched her head bobbing up and down on my crotch with fascination. I really couldn't feel anything, like my brain was detached from my nerves. I just stared.

She finally came up, and like the coke had been under her nose, come was smeared across her chin.

"Was it good for you?" she asked.

"No," I replied honestly. She slapped me. Which I probably deserved, but I still had that detached nerves feeling, so it didn't make a lot of difference.

"Bastard," she said. She stood up.

"Aw, come on. Don't be like that, baby," I said, trying to fill my voice with as much sarcasm and disdain as possible. I felt like I should blame her for making me cheat, making me do drugs, and make me betray everyone's trust.

Obviously, that wasn't her fault.

But it was nice to have someone to blame.

"Shut up, asshole," she said. She leaned over the sink, snorted the last of the coke (which was a lot) and she let out a scream, which, I'm sure, was from the pain. Then she grabbed a metal tray from next to the sink. Little decorative soaps and fluffy white hand towels flew everywhere. I could see her nose was bleeding. She didn't seem to mind as she slammed the tray against the side of my head.

I was completely knocked out. When I woke up hours later, the first thing I could see from my horizontal view of the bathroom floor was my wallet. I sat up, moaning, because of my headache from getting whapped across the head, from the beer, and from the coke. I grabbed my wallet and saw that all of my money was gone.

It was only twenty-three bucks, but that was my goddamned twenty-three bucks.

I guess if she's going to be a whore, she wanted to be paid like a whore.

Strange, I didn't even know her name. Not that it really matters.

I started to walk home, feeling so sick, I thought every step was going to make me throw up. I was doubled over, and my head was pounding. I had only gotten about half a mile when I hitched a ride with some guy in a pickup truck.

"Thanks," I muttered.

"No problem."

He drove me almost all the way home. I just had to walk down a couple of streets. I feel bad for Mrs. Moran. I vomited all over her hedges. That woman just can't cut a break, can she? What is it about those hedges?

It was about three when I got home, shaking and crying. Dad was asleep. He didn't miss me. I kicked off my shoes and slept in my clothes.

When I woke up, I felt sick from the drugs, sick from guilt. I felt like throwing up again. I took a shower and inspected the extremely large bruise that now covers the entire left side of my face. Even if I stay home all weekend, it'll be there on Monday and I can't afford to miss another day of school.

And then the questions will starting pouring in.

Dawn's going to think Dad hit me or something.

I could go along with that. It's better than the truth. It's easier than the truth.

I'm a horrible person. Why can't I stop?


	24. Chapter Twenty Four: Justin

Chapter Twenty-Four: Justin 

January Thirty-first. Monday.

I haven't written in my journal in over two weeks. Two weeks tomorrow will mark the day Chris and I broke up. I think I got dumped, but it didn't feel like a dump. Either way, it's like this journal would be a big fat reminder. He's the only reason I put any effort into it anyway.

But then I realized that I started to miss it. Maybe I was just missing him (not that I don't SEE him, but I feel like I don't because we don't talk, look at each other, acknowledge that the other is there, et cetera). I don't know. But I sort of liked having that outlet.

Maybe this journal thing isn't so bad.

Besides, today things actually happened to me. The past two weeks have been nothing but school, track, band. And over and over again. Track meet on Saturday was a disaster. How many more days until I graduate?

I had a free period at the end of school. I didn't feel like going back to the empty house, so the idea was that I'd sit outside school until last period was over, and track down someone (I think I had Miles in mind. I've never gotten over the hilarity of a guy named Miles being a runner. He doesn't see my humor in it, though) and hang out until band practice at five.

Then I'd go back to the empty house.

That isn't what happened at all.

It was still before last period, but I was settling down on one of the picnic tables out back. I was thinking about pretending to look over my stupid English homework that's giving me hell, when someone plopped down next to me. I looked over. It's Dawn.

I know Dawn. She's friends with Maggie, Amalia, and Chris. However, that's about the extent of my knowledge. I don't think I've ever really actually talked to her, besides a hi here and there.

So I was surprised. Hi, I said.

Hi, she replied, like this was not out of the ordinary at all.

So... what's up?

Not much. Just thought you might like some company.

Okay... really, why are you here? I mean, aren't you siding with Chri- Ducky?

She looked surprised. Is this a war?

I... don't think so. But I figured there were sides. I mean, Maggie and Amalia have to be nice to me. But you don't.

It doesn't matter. You looked exceedingly lonely sitting here all by yourself, and doing homework probably isn't your idea of a good time. So let's go do something.

School isn't out yet.

Last period is P.E.. They won't miss me. She wrinkled her nose. And I won't miss it.

But...

Do you have anything to do this afternoon?

I shrugged. Band practice tonight at five.

It's one now. That gives us almost four hours to run around Palo City and be crazy.

Why are you doing this? I asked.

Because I want to. Now are you going to help me cut class or what?

It wasn't hard. We just walked out to my car. Across the lot, I could see where Chris' car had been covered with cardboard. I looked away. We got into my car and left.

Where are we going? I asked.

No idea, Dawn said.

Maybe it's terrible of me to say, but you don't seem like the type to cut class.

It's one class, one time. The world won't end. Oh, I have an idea. Turn up here, on the left.

I followed her directions until we ended up at the beach. We got out of the car and walked toward the ocean.

The beach? I said

She nodded. It's practically empty, except for one thing. Come on! She grabbed my wrist and dragged me down to the arcade. She got change for a couple dollars and went over to the Pac-Man machine.

What's the point to all of this?

She looked at me. Does there have to be a point to everything? Now, stop asking questions, and eat all the little dots.

I stopped being paranoid and relaxed. She didn't ask me about Chris, in fact, she didn't even mention him. We played Pac-Man, then moved on to the new Tekken machine and got my ass kicked royally.

Honestly, she said, I don't condone violence. I don't like... guns and stuff.

It's just self defense, I protested. We got food from the snack bar and were sitting inside, right next to the giant window that looks out into the ocean. Really, I said, it's not meaningless violence.

Tekken is just as violent as some of those war games. If not more. It says "we have a problem, let's use violence to fix it" and what's that saying to today's kids? That we're all so weak minded that we can't use reason to solve anything. She picked up one of her french fries. Should I really eat this? Who knows how much grease was used to fry this. Was it vegetable oil, maybe?

It was probably straight pig fat, I replied. I ate one.

Ew, she said. She pushed them toward me. I'm not even going to think about what's in this veggie taco. She took a big bite. It tastes too good for me to worry about.

What do you think those dots Pac-Man eats are?

I don't know... he eats fruit, bananas and cherries, maybe the dots are vegetables?

Or lard globules.

EW! Dawn said. The way it came out was a two-syllable word, like Euh-yewwww!

I snorted Coke up my nose. Dawn started laughing at me and handed me a stack of napkins.

General good time was had by all, I'd say. It was nice. I'd been in a funk. Not depressed or angry or anything, just in a funk. I think I'm pulled from it.

After we ate, we played Skee-Ball and sadly only got twenty-six tickets between the two of us. We went up and spent all of them on a blue plastic ring with a My Little Pony sticker on it, a red plastic top, a rubber spider, one neon green Chinese fingertrap, and a Tootsie Roll.

We left the arcade, joking about our horrible Skee-Ball skills, and walked along the beach. It was a warm day, compared to the chilly ones we've been having. Dawn looked out across the ocean.

My dad always said I was a water baby. I loved the ocean when I was little. It was... just something that was natural to me.

Do you surf or anything? I asked.

Not really. I do sometimes for fun, but I'm not that good. I'm a good swimmer, though.

You should join the swim team.

You're just trying to push the sports program on me. Really, I'm not an athlete.

Believe me, you need sports and all sorts of shit on your transcripts if you want to get into college. Or at least at the opening of your senior year when you've only had one thing going on, that's what Ms. Smith will tell you. Because that's what she told me.

Where are you going to college? Dawn asked.

Nowhere. Well, nowhere so far. I keep putting it off. I know I'm running out of time, but... for a while, I was trying to figure out what to do in context of what Chris was doing a year later and now that... I stopped and tried to gather my thoughts. Dawn didn't push me at all. Now that's not an issue and I'm just thinking about myself. I just don't know.

Well, there's nothing wrong with late admissions. They happen. She shrugged. There's nothing wrong with waiting a year or something either.

I had been thinking about getting gen ed's and that stuff out of the way at Palo Tech. Then when I figure out what I want to do, I can just jump right into it.

There's an idea, she replied smiling.

When I was up on Oakland for Thanksgiving, I sort of liked it there. I was thinking I might go up there. You know, close to my Dad who has gotten a new interest in me which is nice. I haven't gotten a chance to go back up there and visit again, but, uh, he calls a lot, once or twice a week. I even got a call from one of my little step-sisters one day.

That's so sweet, Dawn said. One of?

Two of them, Erin, she's six, and Annie. Annie's eight. They're sort of amazed by the idea of a big brother. So Annie called me and we talked about nothing for like half an hour. I guess I'm kind of amazed by the idea of little sisters.

If you went to school in Oakland, where would that leave Vanish?

I shrugged. No idea. Things right now with Vanish are... I looked at my watch. Running really late!

We ran up to the car, I dropped Dawn off at her house, and I sped over to Rico's, so thankful that I'd left my guitar in the car. I got there right at five. I grabbed my guitar and went in the garage.

You made it! Amalia said smiling.

I nodded a hello and unpacked my guitar.

I still can't get over the gorgeous new case Chris got me for Christmas. My other one was falling apart, and this one is fantastic. I opened it and, for just a moment, stared at the photo he had attached to the inside of the top. It was us together from the summer. Dawn's stepmother had taken it the day we went to that outdoor party thing and we were dressed up as angels.

It's one of those things, I keep meaning to take it out of there, but Chris attached it with velcro, and it's so loud that it'll make a scene, even in the usually loud garage.

Or I'm just making excuses. Whatever.

Amalia had the prints back from the photoshoot. There were a TON OF THEM.

Okay, she said, we need to pick out at least four pictures. One for the cover, one for the back, one that will cover the folded over area of lining, that will have everyone's names and what you guys play on it and one for the back of the lining. That will have the song list on it.

All the photos had to be approved by someone, but we got to weed out the ones that we know we didn't want. Like the 80's Halloween pictures or whatever they were supposed to be.

That was the only thing we could agree on, though.

Rico liked the regular shots of us looking like the normal teenagers we are. Bruce said he liked the way the ties looked on the woods. Maggie sided with him. Patti wanted the super formal ones. Amalia insisted that the white dresses on the beach were the best. There was actual shouting about this. I just stood back and watched.

Finally, Amalia turned to me. What do you think, Justin?

I think this is bullshit, I said. They're pictures, who really gives a rat's ass anyway? I don't know why this is such a freaking big deal.

Because it's the image, Rico said. Do we want people to think that we're something we're not?

Well, all those pictures make it look like we're friends and I'm starting to wonder.

I might as well have hit him. What's that supposed to mean?

It means that we haven't been acting much like friends lately. So just pick some damn pictures and let's get on with practice.

Silently, everyone weeded through the pictures, including me. We narrowed it down to ten pictures that all of us liked. Amalia put them in a manila envelope and that was it. Somehow, though, I think Vanish is losing it.

I keep thinking about Dawn asking me what I'm going to do about them after I go to college. Given, of course, that I go now. Really, I don't know if it's going to last long enough for me to worry about.


	25. Chapter Twenty Five: Sunny

Chapter Twenty-Five: Sunny

2/5

What a day. So much happened, I'm not sure if I can even write it all down.

The day started off like normal. I work up around nine-thirty, which is early for a Saturday, but I had to be discreet here. I showered and dressed. I left a note for Dad telling him that I'd be back tonight and left.

I walked down to the bus stop and took the ten-twenty bus uptown. I was dropped off two blocks away from Lew's apartment. In a car or a bus the ride isn't long, but it would have taken me forever to walk there.

Lew buzzed me in and I went upstairs. His building doesn't have an elevator, but he only lives on the third floor, so it's not too bad. He had the door open a crack, so I didn't have to knock or anything. I went inside.

"Anyone home?" I said, walking into the empty kitchen. I walked back into the living room. Lew came out of the small hallway that leads back into his bedroom.

"Hey." He held his arm out to me. "Can you get this button? It's giving me hell."

I buttoned the cuff for him. "Why are you wearing a shirt like that? I thought we were relaxing."

"This isn't relaxing?" He looked down at his shirt.

"It looks like a white button up shirt. How can you relax wearing white? No one can."

"I can relax."

I laughed. "Let's go."

We went out to Lew's car and he drove us to Burbank. The idea there is that no one would know who we are. He had his hand on my knee almost the entire trip.

We went out to eat, I don't remember what I had or where it was. I just remember us laughing. Then we went to some mall and hung out there and I tried on expensive designer dresses and modeled them, getting rave reviews with every one.

We were hanging out at Sears, which was just a department store, yes, but it was still a lot of fun. I tried on some more clothes, first some old lady clothes, just for laughs. Then we went over to the junior's section, which was a little too hoochie-mama for even me, and I tried on some of THOSE clothes.

"I like this one," Lew said, holding up a shirt that looked like it would fit a four year old.

"Then you try it on," I said. I was shuffling through a rack of khaki short shorts. "I can't believe they're already setting up for summer clothes. It's only January."

"Do we have any other seasons besides summer?"

"How long have you lived in California?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips.

"Four years."

"Then you should know that we have more than one season! It's cold outside right now."

"It's fifty-five degrees out! That's not cold. It's a little chilly, but not cold." Lew shook his head. "I grew up in Wisconsin. You want to try on cold?"

"I know, I know, I'd freeze, but still." I picked a pair of shorts off the rack. "I'm going to go try these on."

I tried on the shorts and a tank top (I refused to wear the tank top that said "Bad Girl" in pink glitter) and did some more modeling.

After that, I wanted to go look at shoes, but Lew drew the line and refused. So we left and got one of those giant pretzels and shared it. We just walked around the mall, eating our pretzels, when Lew stopped.

"Look at this." He pointed into the window of the a jewelry store at a gorgeous round-cut diamond and sapphire necklace.

"It's beautiful," I agreed.

We continued and as we finished the pretzel, I insisted to stop at DSW, because the shoes were calling to me.

"Fine, fine," Lew agreed. "But I'm not going in there. I'll meet you by that fountain-" He pointed down the hall, "in half an hour, okay?"

"Okay!" I went in and tried on four or five pairs of shoes. I didn't really need new shoes, but considering that Lew bought me that new skirt from Sears, I should probably get some new shoes to go with it. So I pulled out some baby-sitting money (when was the last time that I baby-sat? How did that money last this long?) and bought a cute pair of high heel boots. They were brown, which was a nice change from all the black boots I own.

I walked down to the fountain. I was a little early, so I watched a couple of little kids play with some toy dinosaurs until Lew came back. He had a bag of his own.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Later," he said. "You ready for the theatre?"

We caught an early evening show at this independent theatre there in Burbank. We saw them perform The King and I, which I had never seen before, and it was just beautiful. I even started crying a little at the end when king died.

"There's a movie, you know," Lew said as he drove us to some fancy restaurant. "It came out back in the fifties, I think. With Yul Brynner."

"Yule?" I asked. "Like... Christmas?"

He laughed. "No, Yul. No E. He was from... Russia, I think? He was from somewhere like that. Very talented."

"I'll have to rent it sometime. I really enjoyed the play."

"It's really good." He put his hand on my knee.

This was really good. We pulled into the parking lot and I looked around.

"Am I underdressed?" I was wearing my black pants and blue sweater. I didn't have a jacket or anything.

"No, you're fine. It's not that fancy," Lew said.

The hostess gave me a pretty dirty look, though. But it might have been because I was with a gorgeous man and she was jealous. Or it was because I was sans skirt. Either way, I didn't care and Lew didn't seem to care either.

I ate vegetable lasagna and Lew had something with marina sauce, I don't know what it was. He drank a glass of wine, and, of course, I didn't have any alcohol. I had iced tea.

Over desert (tiramisu to share), Lew pulled out a box. "For you."

"What?" I asked. I took it from him. "You didn't have to."

"I know, I wanted to. Open it."

I opened the box and it was the diamond necklace. I gasped. "But- but, this had to cost five thousand dollars."

"Not exactly," he said, smiling. I wasn't sure if that meant not quite as in over five thousand or not quite as in less than. Either way, it made me a little nervous. "Do you like it?"

"I love it! Here, help me put it on." I pulled it delicately out of the box. I'd never owned anything like this before. Nothing near a DIAMOND NECKLACE. Lew clasped it for me and I couldn't stop touching it. It was like magic.

"Thank you so much," I said for the zillionth time on the way back to Palo City.

"No problem," Lew replied.

We got back to his apartment, and it was only just after nine, so I kicked off my shoes and relaxed. Lew doesn't own a TV, but he has a very extensive stereo system and practically any CD you could think of. He also has a record player and a huge selection of records.

He put on a CD, some instrumental thing, but it was nice a soothing.

"Did you have fun today?" he asked. We sat down on the couch.

"It was great," I replied. The only bad part of the day was that we couldn't really hold hands or anything. People probably thought we were siblings or something, since he's obviously not old enough to be my father or something, but we don't look close enough in age to be assumed as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Not that Lew is really my boyfriend. He's still my bio teacher. And not much is going to change that. Even now, that I'm writing this. Even after everything that's been happening.

Like, after a while of talking on the couch, we started kissing, and it was really nice. Lew pulls my sweater over my head, and I don't mind. I know where this is leading. I don't really mind giving if I'm also receiving.

I had wriggled out of my pants and, in keeping with Lew's theory about women, was not wearing underwear. Right away, his hands are down there. I moaned into his mouth.

"Let's go back into the bedroom," he said in a low voice.

"Bedroom?" I repeated. So far, everything had stayed in the living room. Bedroom meant things would be... could they be going further? There's pretty much only one next step past oral sex, right? Yep, pretty much.

I followed Lew down the hall to his bedroom, wearing just my bra and the diamond necklace.

His bed was big, a queen size, I think. He sat down on it and pulled me on top of him. We started kissing some more, and he pulled off his shirt started fiddling with his belt, but he couldn't get it unhooked.

I laughed. "You're just trying too hard," I said. I helped.

"God, I feel like I'm going to explode," he said. I got his pants off of him and pulled his boxers down too.

He pulled me further onto the bed, around the middle of it. I crawled on top of him. We kissed some more, his hands all over my back and my butt. I pulled off my bra and tossed it aside.

"You," he said, "are so sexy." He kissed my neck.

"So are you," I said.

He freed one hand and grabbed a condom from the bed side table. He ripped open the package with his teeth and slipped on the condom.

"Would you make me a happy man, Sunny?"

"I... of course." So I did.

That's right. I, Sunny Winslow, have left Virgintown. Not that I'd been much of a member since this past summer, but it's official now.

The whole thing, from my side of things, was highly over rated. I didn't have an orgasm, though Lew did. It felt... well, it felt like there was something in my vagina. It was all very foreign. Maybe it's something you just have to get used to?

Am I going to do it again? Who knows. However, while it was all fine, I sort of feel like things have just slipped out of my control. Not that there was a lot of it, but the last bit of control I had is now gone.

On the bright side, I'm making A's in bio. And I don't think I'm paying that much more attention. 


	26. Chapter Twenty Six: Ducky

Chapter Twenty-Six: Ducky 

February 11th

The past two days have been probably some of the strangest you've ever had. Alex has been trying to get you to think outside the box, be outside the box. He's obsessed with the box. It's his new favorite thing. And he's pushing it all on you.

Thursday you're driving Alex and yourself to school. He brings up the box.

"Isn't the GSA meeting this afternoon?" he asks.

"I... think so."

"I want to go."

"Why?" You raise your eyebrows and pull into the parking lot. You make sure to park on the front half where people are more likely to see your car and less likely to spray paint it. You still can't afford to have the car repainted, so cardboard has to do.

"I just want to get outside the box," Alex replies. "Will you come with me?"

"I guess, but..."

"You don't have to be gay to go. You're gay, I'm straight, we're allied. That's makes us perfect candidates to go."

"But..."

"But what?"

"The only time I ever went there was with Justin. The chance that he'll be there is great and things are weird."

"It's been a month, Ducky. Things shouldn't be so weird. And maybe if you were in the same place at the same time, you could get used to being around each other again. Really, look outside the box."

"You are obsessed with the box," you remark.

Alex smiles. "I know."

Jump ahead to GSA meeting. Rachel practically jumps on you as you walk in.

"Ducky! I thought you'd never come back!" Her voice lowers. "I heard what happened."

Not surprising, since most of the school has heard what happened. The rumor mill has slowed down in the past couple of weeks, but it's pretty commonly known, the general facts of what happened. People no longer gawk at your cardboard covered car. Even the locker room Hell has subsided into a simple Hell-like underworld.

"And who is this?" She grins at you. "A special friend?"

"This is Alex," you say. "My best friend since we were kids."

"I'm the 'S' part of GSA," Alex says, shaking Rachel's hand. She smiles.

"Gotcha. This is good news, then, because I have someone who wants to meet you, Ducky."

"What?" you say.

"Do you know Kevin Donahue?" Rachel asks.

"Um, no, not really. He's in my grade."

"That's him over there." She points in the direction of a boy talking to some girl. He's really skinny, probably a head shorter than you, with straw colored hair. He looks over your way and smiles. Even from across the room, you can see bright blue eyes.

"Cute, right?" Rachel says. "Anyway, like two weeks ago, he was asking me about you, and I figured that I'd wait until you came here, because I didn't want to run after you trying to get you to go out with some guy. So will you come and meet him?"

Sometimes when you're talking to Rachel, you feel like you've just been winded. It's sort of like talking to Sunny, but you're used to Sunny. Rachel just hits you like a bucket of cold water. Also, if this were Sunny, you'd tell her to stop butting in and being nosy, but you hardly know Rachel so you can't say this and you can't understand WHY she's being so nosy about it. At least with Sunny you know her intentions are good.

"I guess so?" you say. Alex is nodding. You're wondering if he's in on this, but when you interrogated him later, you believe that he was not, it just happened to be a very out-of-the-box day.

Rachel drags you over to him. "Ducky, this is Kevin."

"Hi," you say.

"Hey, there," Kevin says. He's smiling and looks a little nervous. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too."

Just as things are getting awkward, Olivia starts the meeting. You sit next to Alex.

After the meeting, you start to leave, when you feel a hand on your arm. You turn around and it's Kevin.

"Look, I know that you don't know me and Rachel is so pushy, but... maybe we could go out? My treat, of course." His face looks honest (you wonder how old he is, because he looks so young), and you hear yourself saying, "Sure."

You make plans to meet him after school tomorrow. He has a driver's license, but he doesn't have a car, so you'll be driving.

"How do you feel about this?" Alex asks as you drive to the bookstore.

"Out of the box," you reply dryly.

"No, seriously."

"What? I am being serious."

You get to the bookstore and the first thing Alex says on entering is, "Ducky has a date!"

Amalia looks up from the register tape she studying. "Really?"

"Yep!"

She squeals. She jumps from the stool and gives you a hug. "That's so great! With who?"

"Kevin Donahue," you say. You pull your name tag out of your pocket and pin it to your shirt.

"I know who that is," Amalia says. "He's on the student activities committee. When Vanish played Homecoming last year, he was one of the people in with that."

"Did you know he was gay?" you ask.

"Oh, sure. Everyone knows. It's not like he's shy about it." Somehow, the comment makes you feel a little uneasy. She's back behind the counter, squinting at the register tape. "You guys, I think I need glasses. I can hardly read this."

"No one can read that tiny register print," Alex says.

"No, this is worse than that. I think that might be some of the reason I'm falling behind in school. And I need to bring all of that up or it's bye-bye job."

"Bye-bye illegal job at that," Alex says with a nod. Amalia nods too. She still has until her 15th birthday for the job to be legal. So if anyone ever asks in the store, she's 15.

"Do you really think this is a good idea?" you ask. "Going out with a guy?"

"Ducky, you're figuring this out," Alex says, "you don't pause before saying 'gay' and you don't try to "correct" me when I say that you are, even if you're not saying it. I know you well enough to know that if you honestly thought that you were not gay, you would be continually correcting me about it. And, yeah, I think it's a great idea."

"Are you sure you're not in on this?" you ask.

"I promise that I had no idea. And as your friend, I wouldn't tell you anything that I thought wasn't the truth. Kevin seems nice-"

"He is," Amalia adds.

"And I think it would be good for you. If it all blows up in your face, you can blame me, okay?"

"I just don't know..." You fiddle with the rack of bookmarks on the counter.

"It's one date. The worst thing that can happen is that you have nothing to talk about, have a miserable time and then you never have to see him again. End of story. Look at it this way, you might just end up with a friend. And you can't have too many of those, can you?"

"I guess not..."

After that, Amalia left while you and Alex work for the next three hours. Then he goes to work at Starburst's, because he's insane like that. You stay at the store by yourself until closing.

You haven't talked to Sunny in days. You spent all day at school trying to find her, but she was always not there between classes. You'll have to call her later, because being unable to talk to her is killing you slightly.

After school, you meet Kevin at the side doors.

"Hey," he says, stepping up along side you.

"Hey. So, uh, what are doing today?" You feel nervous, and you're very aware of your sweating palms.

"Whatever you want," Kevin says. "But I sort of thought we might check out that new modern art museum, if, you know, you're into that sort of stuff."

"Sounds like fun."

"Great!" His enthusiasm sounds forced, but that might be your insecurity talking.

You walk out to your car and Kevin sort of stares at the cardboard for a moment. "I heard what happened there," he says softly. "That's horrible."

"Yeah," you reply. You realize that probably wasn't the right thing to say, but what is? What kind of response do you give to that? Especially to a near stranger.

"When I started at Vista last year," Kevin says as he gets into the car, "two days into my new school experience, someone wrote "homo" on my locker in a Sharpie. I ended up having to scribble over it with my own Sharpie because the school didn't do anything about it."

Maybe your gaydar (as Sunny calls it) is all off whack, because you just can't sense the "gay" of Kevin. He seems like a normal sixteen year old guy. Or maybe that means it's right on. You're not sure.

"That's awful," you reply. "I mean, at least with it being my car, as crappier looking it makes my car, the cardboard and all, at least I know it's all me having to deal with it. But your locker is school property."

"Yep. When there was a giant Sharpie mark, they finally painted over it."

You shake your head. "For crying out loud."

"Yup! But enough of the bad. Tell me something about you."

"What do you want to hear?"

"Well, don't tell me what I want to hear, honey, tell me the truth."

You laugh. "What I meant was, boring basics or annoying little details?"

"Give me one then the other and we'll go back and forth."

You and Kevin swap facts about each other until you get to the museum. It's a pretty weird place, lots of surreal statues and paintings. Then there's a whole room of paintings that are just blocks of colors.

"I don't think I like this," Kevin says. "It doesn't have any... feeling. There's no emotion to black and yellow stripes. Unless the guy got stung by a bee."

You laugh. "I liked the giant nose statue in the other room. That had emotion behind it."

"That was the nose of his lover. You can tell by the gentle curves."

"Really?"

"I have no idea. I am so talking out my ass."

The two of you start laughing. You suddenly begin to relax. When you and Kevin walk down the street to a little corner deli and get sandwiches, you realize that you actually LIKE him. He's easy to talk to, you're not thinking in the terms of expectations. Maybe because the last time you just jumped right into dating. This time, it's one date.

Just one date.

You sit out on the sidewalk tables and talk about movies. You haven't seen a movie in weeks.

"We should go see one sometime," Kevin says.

"That sounds like fun," you reply.

He smiles. He slides his hand across the table and sets it on yours. Your stomach jumps into your throat. You wouldn't be having these reactions if you didn't like him, would you?

He gives you hand a squeeze, and you squeeze it back.

But something isn't right.

February 12th

You just got a voicemail from Sunny this morning. "Hey, it's Sunny. I'm headed out of town for the weekend. If my Dad asks, I'm with you, okay? I'll be back Sunday afternoon, kay? Love you, Ducky! Thanks a million."

Thanks a million too, Sunny. You now have a million reasons to be worried. However, you are a good friend and when you stop by the store to check on Alex (who's pulling a double shift, bookstore and Starburst's, neither store has any idea he's doing this) you freak when Mr. W. asks you where Sunny is.

"Uh... she's hanging out with some friends from school. She'll be back at my house later."

"Oh, okay." Mr. W. smiles and you feel horrible for betraying his trust. You like the fact that he trusts you with his daughter (not that you've ever given him any reason not to, at least until now), and you feel horrible about the whole thing. After Mr. W. leaves, Alex turns to you.

"So where IS Sunny?"

"Uhh..."

"Oh, come on, Ducky, I know you. You totally just lied to Mr. Winslow. Why are you lying to him about Sunny?" Alex crosses his arms over his chest.

"I don't know why I'm lying," you reply. "I have no idea where she is. She just told me cover for her."

"That's... not good," Alex replies.

"Yeah, I know. If she told me what was going on, I'd know whether it was okay to cover for her or not. But then again, knowing Sunny it's not. Especially if she's not telling me. That's a sign for the worst."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Cover for her, then drag it out of her. She's been avoiding me because she knows she can't lie forever to me forever."

"That's really not good," Alex says again.

"Nope."

You're terribly worried about Sunny. And you hate it when she puts you on the spot like this. You're getting that doormat feeling of last year again, and this year, as horrible as it sounds, she doesn't have a dying mother excuse. You wonder what she's hiding.

Anyway, back to yesterday.

You and Kevin walk back to your car. He's holding your hand and you don't mind too much, except that it makes you feel like your turkey sandwich is about to land all over the sidewalk.

You wonder, though, is it more the nervousness of being with a guy, or the fact that you're still not over the fear of getting beat up in the locker room. But this isn't school. This is the streets of Anaheim. And no one seemed to care.

It's the difference between the world of teenagers and the world of adults. What they say may be true. What happens in high school doesn't matter in the real world. Especially that no one is in your business. People are too concerned with themselves to care about two kids holding hands on the street.

"I should probably be home around eight or nine," Kevin says. "That's not normal, believe me, but I've got this family thing to go to tomorrow with the parents. So I promised that I'd be home early. We're leaving at like six in the morning."

"I don't know what six in the morning looks like," you say.

He laughs. "Well, I thought maybe we could hang out at your house. If your parents don't mind, of course."

"I don't live with my parents," you say, and it doesn't really hurt to say, which makes you wonder how cold you've become with your parents, but it's been nearly a year since you've actually SEEN your parents. You smile. "I live with my older brother."

Most people find it "cool" that your parents live on the other side of the world. However, you know that it gets old, and convincing Ted to do some laundry, but for once, you don't get that reaction.

Kevin's eyebrows wrinkle. "Your parents don't live there?"

"No, they're living in Africa right now, I think."

"That has to be tough."

"It's not too bad."

Kevin puts his hand on your forearm. He doesn't say anything.

"So, uh, my house it is," you say. You drive there. Ted's car is in the driveway. "My brother is home."

"Is he cool?" Kevin asks. You take this to mean "does he know about your utter gayness and is okay with it?"

"Yeah," you reply.

The two of you go inside. Ted is sitting on the couch watching a basketball game.

"Hey, Ted," you say. "This is Kevin."

Ted doesn't turn, but just flops his head backwards and looks at you and Kevin upside down. "Hi."

Kevin had extended his hand out to Ted, being polite, but when Ted wipes Cheet-o dust off on his pants and reaches to shake Kevin's hand, Kevin retracts it quickly, with this plastered smile on his face.

You can't really blame him.

"New boy toy?" Ted asks.

"Not in so many words," you reply. "we're going to, uh, go in my room."

"Should I have you leave the door open?" Ted asks, sneering smugly.

You roll your eyes and ignore him.

"He seems lovely," Kevin says. "Though I felt like attacking those eyebrows. But I don't have my tweezers on me. I should know better than to leave them at home."

"Yeah, I know I never leave without mine," you say. You don't feel serious at all.

Kevin laughs. "You know, on most people wearing what you do, I would rip the clothes off them..." He pauses. "Let me rephrase that. I'd take them down to Old Navy, but... the vintage consignment shop thing works for you."

"Good, because that's where I bought them." You smile. "I have some nice things. Just not for everyday. Clothes are precious, you have to save them."

"No, you have to show them off."

"Oh, man, this is just never going to work out."

Kevin laughs. You laugh. Kevin kisses you.

You kiss him back.

You and Kevin kiss and you can feel his hand on your back and it feels good. His kisses are different than Justin's, more impatient, lustier. Like he's trying to make up for his size in his fire.

You're enjoying it, but he pulls away.

He gives you a strange look. "Oh."

"What?"

"You're still into Justin Randall."

"What? No, I'm... things are still awkward, but I'm-"

Kevin smiles. "It's okay. If you're still into someone, you still are."

"I like you, Kevin," you say.

"I know you do. And I like you, but... I'm right, aren't I?"

You pause. "It's... just hard, it being over. Especially when you screwed up big time."

He nods. "My first love is back in Arizona. We don't really talk anymore, and I'll probably never see him again. And I've dealt with that. But it's got to be a million times harder, when you see him everyday walking down the halls."

It's like he's reading your thoughts.

"Kevin, I-"

"Friends, okay? Because I like you too much to not be your friend, Ducky." He holds your hand in his for a moment. "I should probably go."

"I'll drive you."

You walk him to his door and he kisses you on the cheek. "I'll see you Monday, okay?"

"Okay."

You still think you're more or less over Justin. But maybe this is for the best right now. Maybe you don't need another boyfriend and that's what Kevin was telling you? Who knows. Whatever it is, you feel like things might be going in a right direction.

Now if you just weren't so worried about Sunny.


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven: Amalia

Chapter Twenty-Seven: Amalia 

2/16

Today after school, Papi takes me to the eye doctor. I hadn't had an eye test done since the ones you do in elementary school just to make sure you can read that big E on top of the chart.

It's generally painless (Not that I'm expecting it to be painful), except when I'm looking into this one thing and they blow air puffs in my eyes. I don't know what they could be reading since my eyes were totally closed after they did that. I guess how sensitive my eyes are?

As I'm sitting in the office, in that big chair with all the gadgets on it, I lean back and relaxed. "This is nice," I say.

"The optometrist?" Papi asks.

"Yeah... it's relaxing."

Then the doctor comes in and we do lots of tests ("Better or worse? Better or worse? Better or worse?"), and she nods and confirms what I'd been figuring.

"You're going to need reading glasses."

I feel like a little old woman. Reading glasses. What kind of fourteen year old needs READING GLASSES? Probably more than I'd figure, but still. For crying out loud.

They work on my lenses, so I go pick out frames. I didn't want anything fancy. So I just picked out some cute wire frames that make me feel like Harry Potter when I wear them (well, if Harry Potter was a Latina girl). I like them, so I picked them.

Papi nods, but I about pass out when I notice that the frames are hundred dollars.

"Papi, they're so expensive!"

"That's about right," he says.

"Oh." Sometimes I have such a bad view on money. It seems silly that plain black frames would cost a hundred dollars.

After we get my glasses (it's a huge improvement, just right), Papi drops me off at the bookstore. I'm not working, but I thought I'd stop by and show Ducky and Alex.

"Check it out!" I exclaim as I walk inside. I slip on my glasses. "I can read!"

"Nice," Alex says. "That's good for working at a bookstore."

"Thank you very much." I take a little bow.

Ducky comes out of the back and grins at me. "They're fantastic!"

"Thanks!"

"Where are you off to now?"

"Band practice. I asks Papi to drop me off here first, though. I can walk to the Chavez's easily."

"I'll come pick you up afterwards," Ducky says. "We'll be out of here by then, right?"

"Probably," I say. I walk to Rico's and I can already hear the bickering. I sigh and go inside.

"Look, you can't just think that this is a better chord all of a sudden," Bruce says.

"But it sounds better," Rico replies.

"No, it doesn't. You're delusional."

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Rico wants to change my music," Bruce says. "He just pissed off because I wrote a song without him."

"Well, we always write songs together!" Rico exclaims.

"Sure, but I don't want all my songs to be about a girl you slept with six months ago!"

Rico's eyes open really wide. The sounds of the garage (which have become oblivious to arguing, it's so common placed anymore) stop. Everyone stares at Rico. Rico's face is really pale. Bruce's face, which has been red with anger, is draining color.

No one asks, but everyone is wondering if what Bruce said is true.

"I can't believe you said that," Rico says. "I told you that in confidence."

"It just slipped," Bruce says. "And I mean it. I think we can all agree that Claudia songs are getting old really fast. Right, Amalia?"

"They're my songs!" Rico says. "I can write about whatever I want. If I want to write about Claudia or whatever girl I'm seeing, then it's my business. Right, Amalia?"

What way to phrase that. Put it right on me. Everyone looks to me.

"Uhhh..." What am I supposed to say? This is picking sides, right? I know Maggie agrees with Bruce. I know Patti and Justin are trying to stay out of this, but Patti would probably side with Bruce since they've been dating. Justin, after everything with Ducky would probably understand where Rico is coming from.

I hate this feeling. I can't win. Someone is going to end up mad at me. Someone is going to blame me. I start to feel angry because they're pinning this on me. No one is going to win here. I can feel them all staring at me, waiting for me to pick a side, make the peace.

Finally, I say the words that have been building for a while now. "I don't know, guys. I really don't know much anymore, I think. But what I do know is that I need to quit."

"WHAT?" Maggie exclaims.

"I can't take this anymore. All you do is fight, and... you don't really need me. You've got Rainah. Tell her to talk to you. Because I'm sick of being her messenger service and I'm sick of being monkey in the middle every time you guys start to fight. And I never know when that's going to start up again. I thought this was fun, I thought we were all friends, but right now I feel like your referee." I pause. "I'm sorry."

"No, we're sorry," Maggie says. "We shouldn't have-"

"It's okay," I say. "I just... I don't have time for this and you guys DON'T really need me anymore. And I shouldn't have to be a peacekeeper. Really, it was fun when it was fun." And then I leave. No one comes after me. It's just as well. I don't feel like being talked into staying.

I feel like I'm doing one of those shooting games. You shoot down the targets, one by one, until there's none left. But then you get a prize. Bam! Brendan's gone. Bam! Band's gone. If I keep this up, sooner or later, I'm not going to have anything. I don't think I'll get a prize.

I don't feel like upsetting Mami and Papi with my problems. I don't feel like being attacked by Isabel to look at bridal magazines. So I walk back to the bookstore.

Alex is sitting at the counter. He's pouring over something and says "Hello," without looking up.

"Hi," I say.

Then, he looks up. "Amalia? What are you doing back? You practically just left." He studies my face for a moment. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Ducky repeats, coming out from the back. He's looking at Alex. Then he looks at me. "Amalia! What are you doing here?"

"I just quit the band," I say. "Or at least, my part with the band."

"What?"

"They were fighting about some stupid thing, like they always do, and... I just said to hell with it. I left." I start to cry. Not really because I'm regretting my choice, but just how I did it. Storming out of there. Trying to ignore their shocked faces. Trying to put their disbelief out of my mind. It doesn't work and I cry.

Ducky walks over and hugs me. I cling to him. I feel like an idiot.

"You're not an idiot," he says when I tell him. "You did what you thought was right for you."

"For a dumb reason. It was just a dumb fight."

"It's not dumb if it's right," he says.

That sounds all good and well, but it doesn't make me feel that much better. The customers in the store give me a funny look.

"I don't want to go home," I say. "I don't want to explain this again. Not tonight anyway."

"Then stay here. We'll do something after we get off work. Is that okay with you, Alex?"

Alex nods. "No problem. I can get all my homework done here."

I sit down on the floor behind the counter where no one can see me. I do my homework too. After a couple more hours, Ducky and Alex close up the store. I help them, though I never close. I just work those few hours in the afternoon. But I know enough about it to know how to help them. Count out the cash, put it in the safe for Mr. Winslow to pick up in the morning.

"We need to take down the Valentine's display tomorrow," Alex says. "We... probably should have done that today."

"What display goes up next?" I ask.

"Ummm... books about February? I have no idea."

"Me either," Ducky says. He locks the safe. "Let's go."

They lock up and we all get into Ducky's car. He drives us to the park. We're sitting on a bench looking out into the darkness over a lake. The moon is reflecting on it. It's a half moon, and not very bright, but it's cloudless out, so it's not too bad. I'm sitting between Ducky and Alex, and they're keeping me pretty warm. It's so chilly out.

"What are we doing here?" I ask.

"We're hanging out." Ducky wraps his arm around my shoulders. "That about sums it up. Since we're not doing much else."

"Is there a... point to this?"

"It's relaxing?"

"I'm relaxed," Alex says.

I guess I'm relaxed too. Even so, I ask, "Are you going to make me talk about it?"

"Not really," Ducky says, "Unless you want to. But you don't have to. We can talk about Alex."

Alex cocks his head at a funny angle. "What about Alex?"

"Oh, nothing. We could just talk about how Alex is a workaholic who needs to quit Starburst's."

"WHAAAAT?" Alex says. Right in my ear. "When did this come up?"

"It's been up," Ducky replies cooly, and rather un-Ducky-like. "And I think you know it. I've known you long enough-"

"Please don't throw my own words back in my face," Alex says. He tries to sound like he's joking, but _I_ don't know Alex well enough to know if he is or not.

"I've known you long enough," Ducky continues, "to know what you're doing. You're doing exactly what you did before, just in a more socially acceptable way. You're working yourself into exhaustion and because of that you can avoid actually dealing with anything."

"Please don't try to psycho-analyze me, will you?" Any trace of joking is gone. Alex sounds pretty angry. "I'm working hard, I even work a job I hate because it's money. What difference does it make? It's my business."

"It makes a difference because you're my friend. And I will do anything I can to keep you from slipping back into that, all right?" Ducky pauses and Alex doesn't try to say anything. "Then there's the fact, that you admit yourself, that you hate working there. And you shouldn't do anything you hate. Besides, we'd all like to see more of you, especially outside of work."

I'm sort of sensing a silent "Right, Amalia?" but thankfully Ducky doesn't say it. And I hadn't even told him about that. But I don't say anything because I DON'T know Alex that well and I'd feel uncomfortable, not only throwing my opinion at him, but I'd feel even worse if he started to turn on me, like he is Ducky.

"It's my business," Alex says.

"Is this the new version of "you wouldn't understand"? Because I'm not taking that one anymore," Ducky says. His voice sounds aggravated and I feel a little uncomfortable sitting between them. Ducky's arm around my shoulder tightens with his stress.

Alex jumps up. "Well, you wouldn't!" He looks like he's going to storm away, but his shoulders drop. "You know how much I hate it when you're right. But isn't it better this way? Better than before?"

"If you're still avoiding your problems, it's not good. And it doesn't get better overnight," Ducky says.

"Maybe coming back this soon was a bad idea," Alex says. "Maybe it was too soon."

"I don't think so," I say, even though I have no idea. "Maybe you were just taking it the wrong way. Taking the wrong approach."

Alex sits back down. "I feel stupid."

"Don't feel stupid," Ducky says. "Once I started, I got sort of scared that was going the wrong way with it."

"Eh, yelling common sense at me works," Alex replies, that joking sounds is back in his voice. "I'll put in my two-week notice. Will that make you happy?"

"I don't know, it's not my business."

Alex laughs. "If I had something to throw at you, I'd throw it right now."

"I'm going to go after school special on you," Ducky says.

"Uh-oh."

"But don't forget that you've got friends, okay?" He stretches out the arm that's been around my shoulders and taps Alex's shoulder. "We're here for you for a reason. Right, Amalia?"

This time there's no sides. This time, there's nothing to stop me, make me feel like saying something will be the wrong thing.

"Definitely," I say without hesitation. And for the first time, I feel like Alex is my friend. Not just Ducky's friend. I don't know what I lost, dropping Vanish like that (vanishing? Vanish puns are so horrible), but when things are so uncertain there, it's nice to know that I gained something.


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight: Dawn

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Dawn 

February 22nd

I can't believe it. I'm dying of shock here. I can't believe the lies I've been told. I feel completely deceived and undermined.

Today started off as normal as any other. I met Justin outside before last period. This is becoming a fairly normal thing. I really enjoy hanging out with him. I don't know what it is. We just seem to get along really well.

It's not exactly a secret that I hang out with Justin, but there is this awkward feeling of picking sides between Justin and Ducky because they don't really hang out together anymore. And I haven't hung out with Ducky in a while. I don't know if my hanging out with Justin has anything to do with it, or if it's just scheduling.

Either way, I'm NOT picking sides. At least I hope I'm not.

"You know," Justin said as I jogged over to him, "it's probably a bad thing to get senioritis in your freshmen year."

"It's P.E.!" I exclaimed. "I'm not wasting my time with P.E. when I could be hanging out with you. Besides, I only miss it like twice a week."

"You only have P.E. twice a week." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"If someone missed me, they would say something. No one's even noticed that I'm gone. And have you seen Ms. Laymen lately? She sleeps through class. Everyone's getting A's for sitting around."

"Really?"

I nodded. "We sit around and do homework. Sometimes she has us kick a soccer ball around. Given that she's awake for class. I promise, this is way better. I'm actually moving."

"I'm taking your word for it, Dawn. If you're lying to me, it's on my head." Justin shook his head, but he was smiling. "So what are we doing?"

"I dunno, movies and pizza?"

"Sounds good to me. Can we stop at 7-11 first? I need milk and soda."

"Sure." I'm used to Justin doing impromptu grocery shopping. He just picks up what he needs when he needs it. And usually more than he planned on getting. As opposed to going shopping once a week or something. However, if I had known what was going to happen at the 7-11, I never would have agreed. I might have even gone to class.

Well, probably not. But I would have suggested some other 7-11.

Justin drove us to there. We were singing along with the radio, having a generally good time. We got out of the car and Justin went into grocery mode.

"Milk," he muttered, grabbed a half gallon. He handed it to me. "Okay, Mountain Dew..."

"Not Mountain Dew," I said. "If you insist on soda, get Dr Pepper."

"Gross, no. You're not going to drink it anyway. And you know it. Grab a juice."

So I got a Orange-Pineapple Guava drink. I helped Justin juggle a 12 pack of Mountain Dew, a roll of paper towels, and three packs of microwave popcorn.

"Should we order pizza or get a frozen one?" Justin asked. He pointed to the freezer case. "Isn't that the one they say is like delivery?"

"Get it. We can test it. But get a vegetarian one, okay?"

He got a five cheese one, since they didn't have any veggie supreme or anything. I set all the stuff on the counter and the guy behind it glared at me. But my arms were getting sore. I was inspecting sugarless gums, when behind me, I could hear Justin talking to someone.

"Kristy! What are you doing here?" He sounded pleased.

I turned around. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was thinking that it couldn't be the Kristy I know. The Kristy I know is in Stoneybrook and there's no way, and no reason, why she would be in Palo City.

But, as I saw, it WAS Kristy Thomas. Justin was giving her a hug. I took a step toward them.

"Hey, Kristy... what are you-" I stopped when I saw the person standing behind her, staring at me like a deer in headlights. I stared back. "Mary Anne?"

Her deer in headlights look dropped and she looked almost sheepish. "Hey, Dawn. I didn't think I'd run into you. I thought you'd be in school."

"You didn't think you'd run into me? I live here! What are you doing here?" I was so confused, and I could feel all the anger at her building up inside of me. I didn't know why, because she was just standing there.

"Well, it's spring break-"

"It's February."

"We had so many snow days, you remember what snow days are, right? Well, we had so many that we needed to make up for them in the spring, so they just made the last week in February spring break. That way we could have our break and not miss as many days. Since we'd probably be missing them anyway."

"Uh-huh." I nodded. "So what are you doing...?"

"Derek flew us out. He invited me, and Dad said I couldn't go alone, so Kristy came with me. Is that too much for you?"

"And no one told me? You didn't even think I could be warned that you were going to be out here? I just talked to Mom the other night. How long have you been here?"

Mary Anne was staring at the ground, so Kristy answered for her.

"We've been here since Sunday. We're leaving on Saturday."

"Okay," I said. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Because I told Sharon not to tell you!" Mary Anne said. "I thought if you didn't know and I could avoid you we wouldn't have to deal with this mess!"

"Whatever. I'm so glad Derek could fly his whore out to California." I spun around and stood at the counter with my back to them. Justin came up behind me. He wordlessly paid for our things. I could hear Mary Anne and Kristy whispering behind us.

"Don't you want to say anything to her?" Justin asked in a whisper as we walked to the door.

I looked over my shoulder for a moment, and, not surprisingly, Mary Anne was crying. A part of me, the part of me that admired Mary Anne's sensitivity, felt a tug of guilt. The rest of me, the part of me that knew the real Mary Anne, didn't care. I looked up at Justin.

"I don't have anything else to say to her."

We loaded the backseat with our groceries (well, Justin's groceries and my juice) and got in the car. Justin didn't start it and we sat there.

"What?" I asked, knowing full and well why we were sitting there. I'd told Justin what had happened between Mary Anne and I a couple weeks ago, so he knew why this was happening.

"Dawn, you should talk to her," he said. "She's the only step-sister you've got."

"We're not going anywhere until I do this, are we?"

"Nope." Justin grinned.

"Fine, fine." I got out of the car, just as Kristy and Mary Anne were walking out of the 7-11.

"Mary Anne, we need to talk," I said. I didn't meet her eyes.

"What?" She stepped off the sidewalk and faced me. "Going to call me more horrible names? Pretend to be me?"

"As long as you don't hurl breakables at my head," I replied.

We stood there for a moment, and then both of us started laughing. Then we hugged.

"This is so silly," Mary Anne said. "Everything worked out, didn't it?"

Which is what I thought all along, but I went with it. "Yeah, it did."

"I promise you, Dawn, Derek and I didn't sleep together either. What you saw... that was as far as it went. I'm not ready for that sort of relationship. Maybe if we saw each other all the time, but probably not. I'm just not ready for that sort of thing. And I probably won't be for a long time. Really, I feel horrible about it."

"Me too," I said. "You're just lucky it was me who caught you and not Richard!"

"I know!" She hugged me again. "Oh, Dawn, I forgive you."

I felt my stomach grow a little nervous. "You... forgive me?"

"For everything that happened. The name calling and masquerading."

"Okay, I get that... but aren't you... going to apologize?"

Mary Anne blinked, looking a little confused. "Apologize? I didn't do anything wrong."

"You treated me like shit over Thanksgiving, threw a vase at my head, and then ignored me and made me feel completely unwelcome in my own house over Christmas."

"Dawn, it's hardly YOUR house."

"What? Of course it is!"

"For the, what? Week you live there a year? It's not much of a home for you. It would be like me saying your house here is my home. Because I stayed for the summer? No, not really."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that for a long time, Mary Anne, because you won't be there again. I never want to see you again. You're a condescending, patronizing bitch!"

She looked shocked. "It's not like you're really innocent here, Dawn."

"You lied to me," I said. "You lied to me, made my mom cover for you, and you tried to sneak around here because you're ashamed. I don't believe that you didn't sleep with Derek, because you wouldn't be sneaking around if you hadn't." I turned to Kristy who was just standing there watching us. "If you're too conservative for a little oral sex or kissing a guy with a boyfriend, you should watch out for Mary Anne the slut!"

I didn't get to see a reaction from Kristy because Mary Anne didn't waste her time throwing things at me. She threw herself at me, slamming me up against the hood of Justin's car. She grabbed at my hair in a moment of a girl fight stereotype. I gave Mary Anne a weak-handed slap across the face.

She gasped and then screamed (no words, just a scream) right in my face, this horrible high pitched scream. I got my hands on her shoulders and shoved her away. It was a lot stronger than I thought it was, because Mary Anne fell back onto the sidewalk.

She jumped back to her feet, but Kristy held her back. It was then that I noticed that Justin had a hand wrapped around one of my arms.

"I know we can't all be perfect like you, Dawn!" Mary Anne screamed. It's lucky that Kristy is stronger than she looks because Mary Anne was struggling.

"I'd rather be imperfect than a lying little whore!" I shouted. "I wonder what would happen if I told your dad what you were doing out here? 'Oh, Richard, I ran in Mary Anne at the 7-11 and I think she was buying condoms. I just thought you should know.'"

"You wouldn't dare lie!"

"I don't know what you just bought."

"It wasn't condoms!" Mary Anne seemed to be breathing steam. I don't think I've ever seen her this angry. Not even when she threw the vase at me. I also believed that she was lying.

"Just be honest," I said, my voice as even as I could get it. "Just tell me something true."

She burst into tears, pulled out of Kristy's grasp, and ran off. Kristy ran after her.

Justin let go of me and I slumped against his car. I could feel a bruise coming up on my thigh where it hit the hood ornament. It's sort of crooked now. "Did that go how you thought it would?" I asked.

"Not really... I wasn't expecting Mary Anne to... attack. It was like watching a FOX special."

I laughed. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I dunno. You probably wanted to talk to Kristy. And I did sort of put you on the spot there..."

He shrugged. "What happened happened." He paused and gave me a funny look. "You knew about what happened with Kristy and me over the summer?"

"Yeah?" I wasn't sure where he was going with this.

"Did... did Chris know about that?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. I know I didn't tell him. Everyone else who knew is in Stoneybrook. Unless she told Sunny. She really didn't give us the detail. Don't worry,I'm not, like, accusing you of anything. Except of what happened. And that... you know, happened."

Justin nodded.

"Well, this just killed the day, didn't it?"

He nodded again.

I sighed. "I hate her."

"Don't."

"I can't help it. Every time I see her, she just ruins everything. She ruined our day, she's ruined my home. She's even trying to ruin the city I live in. She just a life ruiner."

"A life ruiner... we should rent Mean Girls. I love that movie."

I stared at him for a moment. I couldn't believe that after all that, he related to a quote from a movie. Then I smiled. "I love that movie too."

"Then it's decided!"

We rented the movie and the day wasn't really ruined. We ended up having a good time. Now I just have to do what I can to avoid Mary Anne for the rest of the week.

February 23rd

So much for avoiding. I was getting books out of my locker, getting ready to innocently catch a ride with Justin home, when I felt a hard tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it's Derek.

I tried to keep my face emotionless. "Hey."

"What did you do to Mary Anne?" he asked.

"I didn't do anything she didn't deserve."

"You hit her!"

"She threw me against a car." The bruise on my thigh isn't very big, but it's not going anywhere anytime soon. I didn't think that was the thing to mention to Derek.

"That doesn't give you the right to hit people," he said.

"I don't know what Mary Anne told you, but it's not like I started this. It's not like she's completely innocent here."

"She was up all night crying."

"Well, that sounds like Mary Anne. You'd think her eyes were gutters." I felt mean, especially since Mary Anne wasn't even there, but it came out so quickly.

"Look, it's not like me to confront a girl about something-"

"Then don't."

I looked over to my left and Christian was walking up next to me. I had called him last night. He told me he'd clobber Derek if he tried anything, but I didn't think he would. He'd been following me around between classes, going out of his way since we never even pass each other in the halls. It was really sweet, but I don't believe in violence as a solution to anyone's problems.

Not that I'd been really doing a good job at that. Or using reason to solve my problems.

"This doesn't concern you," Derek said, seeming to be towering over Christian. They're actually about the same height, Christian's a little shorter, but Derek is a big guy. Christian is pretty skinny.

"Actually, it does. But if you leave Dawn alone, then it won't concern YOU," Christian said.

Despite the amount of chivalry happening here, I had to step in. "Christian, it's okay. Derek, just tell Mary Anne to leave me alone for the rest of the week." I almost added "Or I'll give her something to cry about," but that implied violence and sounded way too much like something someone's father would say.

"Fine." Derek stomped off.

"I was tough, right?" Christian asked, grinning. He leaned up against the lockers.

"Oh, yeah," I said.

"You got plans for tonight?"

"I've got a date with my math book."

"You're cheating on me!" He laughed and kissed my cheek. "I gotta go."

"See ya," I replied. I walked out to the parking lot where I was meeting Justin. He wasn't the only one there. He was leaning against his car talking to Kristy.

I walked up to them. "Hey."

"Hey," Justin said.

"Hi," Kristy said. She wasn't meeting my eyes, which is very un-Kristy-like.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Kristy's just telling me how things are going with the lacrosse team," Justin said, his voice sounding oddly even. I took it as a "stay cool, your issues are with Mary Anne, not Kristy" sort or warning.

He was right, of course, so I joined in on the conversation. It was normal, civil.

"Mary Anne would probably shoot me if she knew I was here," Kristy said, "but she and Derek wanted time alone, so I got ditched."

"Hang out with us," Justin said.

"I'm homework swamped," I said. "You guys hang out."

So that's what they did. Justin dropped me off and they left. And now I should be doing homework, like I said I would.

Later, 23rd

I just got off the phone with Justin. I was teasing him about hanging out with Kristy. "Sooo, did anything happen?"

"Happen how?" he asked.

"With Kristy! You're not dating anyone and, well, I'd be shocked if Kristy was."

"No, no, no, nothing like that happened. Kristy isn't... dating. Especially not someone like me."

"Someone like you?"

"She doesn't have a problem, I guess. Not hanging out with me, being friends. Since we had a good time, but..."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked.

"She's changed, that's all. But even if she was still interested, which she isn't, I wouldn't want to do anything about it. She didn't have a lot of great things to say about homosexuality or bisexuality."

"What? Kristy?"

"I know, it shocked me too. She's... found God or something. I don't know. But whatever her deal is, she can overlook Mary Anne's flaws, but not those of Stacey- she didn't have very good things to say about Stacey either. She'd probably stone Claudia if she found out that she and Rico had slept together."

"How did you find out about that?"

"Accident. Either way... it's very hypocritical, I think. Which just doesn't fit."

"I know." I tried to think back and see if there was anything about Kristy that would make her switch into... bigotry? No, that couldn't be it. She let Jessi join the club, and she's black. Kristy is one of the least close-minded people I've ever met. And she was fine with all of Stacey's oral sex just last summer.

"This is so weird," I said. "I have a hard time seeing a close-minded Kristy."

"There's got to be more to it," Justin said.

"We'll probably never find out."

"Nope," he replied sadly. "Probably not."


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine: Justin

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Justin 

March Fourth. It's Friday.

So today was the long awaited auditions for BYE BYE BIRDIE. Spring musical, very exciting. Of course, I'm more excited and more nervous than I let on. I tried to get Dawn and Maggie to auditing too, but Maggie hates showbiz, including school plays, and Dawn simply said that freshmen never get parts.

Excuses, excuses.

However, both of them, along with Amalia and Christian came to root me on, I guess? Either way, it actually made me MORE nervous, since if I screwed up big time, it would be in front of all of my friends. I tried to put that thought out of my mind.

So I went up and sang. Of course, I'm auditioning for Albert, but any part would do, really. I don't think I did too badly. Mostly, I'm just used to singing occasional backup in the band, as opposed to musical theatre, though. Oh well.

I read some lines, and then I went down to the auditorium floor and sat with everyone. So, how was I?

You sounded great, Maggie said. You really know how to project your voice.

We stayed for a couple more auditions. If I thought I had any chance at Albert, it was squashed when Martin Sanders got up to sing. We were all left pretty speechless. He was awesome. If he doesn't get the part, there is something seriously wrong.

After that, we left and went our separate ways. Amalia went to work, Maggie went home to do homework, Christian went... wherever the hell he goes, and Dawn went home with me.

And it's a good thing she did because the evening would have turned out horribly if she hadn't. In fact, Dawn sort of saved me tonight.

We were sitting in the kitchen. I was making spinach-artichoke dip. Or at least, I was trying to. Dawn was quoting mathematical equations at me, asking if they were right.

How am I supposed to know? Do you think I retained anything from freshman year?

Well, you got to senior year. Come over here, look at this. She waved a sheet of paper at me. This can't be right. It looks like a bunch of squiggles.

That's probably from the mindless doodling, I replied.

Haha, not funny. Help me!

I sat down and we worked out her math until the spinach-artichoke dip burnt and had to be thrown out. We had both completely spaced out during the math lesson. I turned off the stove and waited for the now ruined dip to cool enough so I could dump it. I never got around to doing that until about half an hour ago.

Once the stove was off, we went back to math homework, but didn't get much done, because the doorbell rang.

I jumped up and went to answer it. I opened it and felt the urge to slam it right back closed, but I was too shocked to do anything.

Mike was standing on my door step. Behind him was a very pretty, very pregnant blonde woman.

What are you doing here? I asked, forgetting all sense of manners. But I think I had a right to be rude.

Well, I- Mike started, but was interrupted.

The woman sort of pushed Mike out of the way. I'm Veronica, we talked on the phone once, remember? Uh, we've been driving for a while now, and I've got to pee like there's no tomorrow. Can I use the bathroom?

Oh, uh, yeah. I sort of turned around. Dawn?

Dawn walked into the living room. What? Oh, hi.

Dawn, can you show Veronica to the bathroom?

Yeah, of course. She smiled, but her eyes were on me, and they might as well have been in the shapes of question marks.

I turned back to Mike, who was still standing in the doorway. So. What's up?

Can I come in, Justin? he asked.

Why would you want to waste your time? I thought you never wanted to see this place again. Isn't that what you said?

Justin, stop acting like an idiot. We just drove here all the way from Hanford. Can I at least come in?

Why in the world would I let you in?

Come off it! Stop acting like an idiot!

Calling me an idiot isn't helping! And it's not going to get you in here any faster. And do you know why? Because I don't want to talk to you. You spent a very long time not wanting to talk to me, and you know what? It goes both ways.

We just drove three hours to be here. After you called-

That was three months ago!

I know. After you called, Veronica kept badgering me about coming down here to see you. She said calls didn't count, but if I was at the door... Mike shook his head. I've been an idiot. I've been an idiot with you and with Mom. Can't we just agree that I screwed up?

Well, that's something we can agree on. I finally stepped aside and let him in.

Thanks, he said. He looked around. Everything looks... about the same.

I'm the only one who lives here, I replied. I'm not much into decorating.

Where's-

Off living with her new boyfriend. Next month, I'm getting the house. Unless I can get accepted into college.

Oh? Where did you apply?

A bunch of places around Oakland and San Francisco. If I can't get in anywhere right now, I'll just take some classes down at Palo Tech. That's not the end of the world, but the majority of people there are losers.

Mike nodded.

It was horrible. We had absolutely nothing to say to each other. We stood there in the living room in total silence.

So, uh, is that your girlfriend? Mike asked.

Dawn? No, she's just a friend. I'm not dating anyone right now. I just got out... well, not just, it's been a couple of months, but it was pretty serious... I trailed off. I didn't feel like explaining Chris or my sexuality to Mike. So, uh, baby?

Yeah, she's about seven months. Twins.

Wow, congratulations.

Thanks.

How long have you two been together?

It was a year in November.

That's fantastic.

Thanks, Mike said again. Justin, I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you got caught up in the middle of things between me and Mom. She wanted to run my life because she couldn't run her own. I know that I shouldn't have cut you off like that-

Don't worry about it, I said. I didn't mean it, but for some reason I didn't want to hear Mike apologize. Maybe because I thought he didn't mean it.

Maybe because I thought he did.

Then we found ourselves in silence once again.

Luckily, Dawn and Veronica came down the hallway. They were chatting like they'd been best friends for life.

Have you all apologized and forgiven and vise versa? Veronica asked. Or at least become civil?

Civil, I said, trying to keep the air light. I didn't want to upset a pregnant woman I didn't know. Looking at her I realized something.

Oh my god! I'm going to be an uncle!

Veronica laughed. Yes, you are!

When that struck me, it was a very weird feeling. It made me think about how it took me a year to get back with Dad. It took me a year to respond to Dad and get to know Wendy and the girls. And how great it was, and how I regretted waiting so long. I love those kids, and I felt horrible for waiting to get to know them.

Looking at Veronica, pregnant with twins, I didn't want to make that mistake again. I didn't want my feelings toward Mike to ruin something I could have with these kids. I knew, just like with Dad, I'd forgive him eventually. But I didn't want to wait that long, for the sake of two unborn kids.

Do you guys want to go out and get dinner or something? I asked.

I'm hungry, Mike said. And it's on me.

I'm starved. Feeding three now so I eat three times as much, Veronica replied.

I looked at Dawn. Can you come? I pleaded with my eyes. I was pretty sure that I couldn't handle the meal without her.

Let me call my Dad and let him know I won't be home for dinner, okay? She turned away, pulling her phone out of her pocket. I knew it would be okay. Her Dad likes me, and probably wishes that I was dating Dawn instead of Christian, because he hates Christian. I'm not too fond of Christian myself. Dawn can do better than him, he seems like such a loser. He just gives off that vibe.

Mike drove us to Renaissance Bistro in Bre. It's a nice restaurant and Dawn found a vegetarian dish so that wasn't a problem. It was basically fancy mac and cheese. I had linguini with pesto. Mike and Veronica both had filet minion. Since Dawn didn't know them well, she didn't give them dirty looks for eating red meat which is why I had a vegetarian dish (I could have had chicken or seafood, I guess.). Since I did, Dawn and I basically split our food, just eating off of each other's plates.

I don't think the waiter appreciated that, because he kept offering us extra plates.

It's weird. I don't think I've ever become THIS comfortable with someone (Dawn, not the waiter) this quickly. It's actually really cool.

So when are you due? Dawn asked Veronica.

May twenty-first, she replied. I tell, you though, I'm ready for them anytime. Maybe if I'd been through this before with just one, it wouldn't be so bad. But at least if I've got to go through it again with just one, it'll be a breeze.

Do you know the sexes?

Nope. I always said that I wanted to be surprised. And I'm going to be surprised. Plus this way, I don't end up with just stuff in pink or blue. Especially since I knew I'd be getting two of everything. Though I ran into a new problem because I had my baby shower last month and almost everything is yellow and green, because no one wanted to get pink or blue because no one knows the sex. Well, Mike knows.

Mike laughed. I had the doctor tell me in secret. I couldn't bear not knowing.

How do you bear not telling anyone? I asked.

I'm a very good secret keeper. He smiled. What do you do, Justin?

Do?

Stuff you like to do. Sports, whatever.

I run track. It's lame. I'm in a band that's on the verge of breaking up. Oh, I tried out for the spring musical today.

When do you find out if you've gotten a part? Dawn asked.

Monday. But I'm not getting the lead. Not after Martin's audition.

He wasn't THAT good.

I gave her a look.

Dinner went smoothly, really. No bloodshed. Except for the blood of the steaks, which Dawn reminded me of later.

Mike drove us back to Palo City. He dropped Dawn off at her house, and then we went to my house. We all got out of the car and sort of looked at each other.

Are you guys going back tonight? I asked.

Nah, we're going back tomorrow, Mike said. We should probably find a hotel. Unless we could stay in my old room?

Yeah, stay here, I said. But you can't stay in your old room. It's... full of junk and we sold your bed.

WHAT? MY BED?

Yard sale. And Mom didn't think you were coming back. But then again, she's probably not coming back here, so maybe I should have a yard sale and sell her bed. However, that's where you're spending tonight.

We went inside and Veronica claimed swollen ankles and back pain and went right in to lay down. Mike and I sat in the kitchen.

We went back to not having anything to say. Somehow Dawn and Veronica made it a lot easier to talk. We sat like that for about half an hour, making small talk. Then we both went bed, even though it was still early.

And now I'm writing this.

It's going to go this slow. I think I can deal with that. But I'm not going to hold a grudge against Mike. I'm going to do my best anyway. I can really hold a grudge.

Saturday. March fifth.

Well. Sunday. March sixth. It's late.

I know I need to write about this, but I don't really know... well, let's just say that I think Maggie and I aren't friend anymore. I don't think I can ever look her in the eye again. Okay. The beginning.

This afternoon, Mike and Veronica left. It was pretty emotionless. However, I'm totally excited about the babies. After I graduate, I'm going to have to go up and see them. The babies will be here by then.

I'm just stalling.

It was around eleven o'clock. I was already in bed, because I've become such a homebody. However, the phone ringing woke me up. I crawled out of bed and wandered over to the phone that was sitting on my desk. I need to remember to put my phone on the night stand.

Or maybe put it where I can't hear it ringing.

Hello?

Justin? Uh, Randall? It's some girl I don't know.

Yeah, this is him. Who's this?

Laurel, but that's not important. I'm having a party, and I've got a trashed girl here who can't get home and she told me to call you. Her name is Maggie?

Maggie's trashed? This surprised me because I know that her mom has had some alcohol problems and Maggie is very anti-drinking because of it.

Yeah, it's not pretty. Laurel gave me her address.

I pulled on a t-shirt, and put on some sandals. I didn't bother changing pants because I was wearing pajama pants (Batman, very adult) and I figured those are acceptable for picking up a drunk friend in the middle of the night. It's not like I'd be running around in boxers.

I drove out and found the address. It's kind of out there. I didn't know anyone there. I have no idea how Maggie got there, and chances are, I'll never know what she was doing there. I found her and this Laurel girl. I help Maggie out to the car.

She doesn't say much on the drive home. Lots of moaning. She was wrapped up in a little ball with her back to me. I kept asking her if she's going to get sick and she kept saying no. I thought that she just might be embarrassed. I decided not to ask any questions about WHY she was drunk.

Though I was curious why she asked for me. I don't know if I found out or not.

I pulled into the driveway of her house. I unbuckled my seatbelt and lean over toward her.

Maggie? I said as gently as possible. Maggie? We're at your house.

I don't wanna go in, she replied. It was the first thing she said other than no since she got in the car.

I didn't really have anything to do in the morning, band practice that evening, so I could, potentially, sit in the car all night, but that didn't seem like a good solution. So I reached over and touched her shoulder.

She rolled over. I couldn't see her, but it only took me a second to realize that after she moved, my hand was on her boob. I removed my hand quickly.

You should probably go in, I said.

I could see the outline of her moving around. She was sitting up with her knees on the seat. She threw her arms around my neck and started kissing me. I pulled back, but she was leaning against me, so she just fell back with me.

Maggie! I said when she finally pulls away for a moment. This was not a name shouting of pleasure, it was shock. However, it didn't communicate that way to her.

I knew you wanted me! she exclaimed. It was totally slurred.

I didn't mean-

I only got that far because I was distracted by Maggie's hand that was suddenly on my crotch. She started kissing me again, and no matter how shocked I was, I AM a guy. I'll admit that even though I wasn't kissing her back, I wasn't exactly stopping her.

However, attempting to stop her started when her face dropped to my crotch and pulled down the front of my pants.

Turns out I should have worn jeans with a zipper and a button because she probably couldn't have gotten that one in the state she was in. And I should have worn jeans because I would have been wearing something UNDER them.

Maggie! I said. Stop! You have a boyfriend!

I probably should have brought that up when she was kissing me, but it suddenly seemed to matter more when she was about to do what she was about to do.

Not anymore, she said. He dumped me for some idiot actress.

Having met Tyler a few times, this seemed totally weird, but that still didn't make this right. Though it might explain why Maggie was drunk, though knowing Maggie, that didn't seem right either.

If he wants a slut, I'll give him a slut, Maggie said.

MAGGIE! STOP!

It was totally wrong. But she didn't stop. She went for it. And, well, I let it happen. I guess I could have been more forceful, and I was wrong. I'm aware of that. Now.

I don't really remember what I was thinking. Obviously I wasn't thinking about Maggie. Because she stopped rather abruptly. I thought maybe it was just a timing thing, because it was right before I came. Big old mess all over the car. Still there too. I need to clean my steering wheel...

I could see her staring at me.

I stared back.

You, she said in this voice that wasn't slurred, but sounded terribly young and hurt, you just called me... you said...

I'll never know what I said. I'm never going to ask her, I'm never going to the bring up the incident to her or anyone. Did I call her Chris? Orlando Bloom? Angelina Jolie? I'm just never going to find out. Maybe I called her Tyler Kendall and that's why she freaked out. Not that I've ever really be a huge fan of his movies.

She slapped me. Then she slapped me again. Then she vomited on the passenger side floor of the car. She got out and ran inside.

I drove home and cleaned vomit out of my car in the dark. Which is why I didn't both with the come on the steering wheel. My car absolutely reeks.

I have no idea what to do now.

Yeah. I don't think Maggie and I are friends anymore.

Monday. March seventh.

I'M CONRAD FREAKING BIRDIE!

I can't believe I got a part!

I was right. Martin Sanders is Albert.

SPRING MUSICAL.

Rico is going to kill me, but you know what? I don't care. Not one bit.


	30. Chapter Thirty: Amalia

Chapter Thirty: Amalia

3/10

In being a convert to thinking outside the box, I join Ducky and Alex to this week's GSA meeting. Usually I can't, just because of work scheduling, but today things worked in our favor, and I go with them.

I meet all their GSA friends. Alex has been making Ducky go for about a month, and now he doesn't have to force him at all. And I go willingly.

Even if Alex is spouting his "outside-the-box" propaganda the entire time.

"So," Ducky says as we walk down the hall toward the meeting, "what are your plans for today? Because you're not working, right?"

"Nope. Isabel has me booked for more wedding plans," I reply.

"Wedding plans? I thought they were having a long engagement?"

I nod. "They are, but she's decided on a style for her dress three times in the past three months. And the theme of the wedding has changed about five times. Once she gets all of that together, then they can actually plan for the wedding. But at this rate, she'll be thirty when they get married."

Ducky laughs. "I don't think so."

"Me either. But it seems that way sometimes. I figure once she finds something she loves, she'll stick to it."

"How's what's-his-name handling this?"

"Simon? I don't know."

"Do you like him?"

"He's okay."

"He's going to be your brother-in-law, I hope he's more than okay."

"Well, Isabel thinks so."

Ducky laughs again. "I guess that's what's important."

"Yup." I nod.

We meet Alex at the door of the empty classroom.

"Look! We're thinking outside the box!" I say.

"I'm glad!" he says. He's smiling.

The meeting is all right, afterward is more fun. Ducky, Alex, and a couple people they know, Kevin Donahue (whom I'm familiar with), Macon Rhodes, and Fran Neal.

Macon's straight, rather cute, black hair in his face, green eyes, and I get the feeling Ducky is trying to set me up. Fran is what narrow-minded idiots think of as a waste. She's drop dead gorgeous, blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect body. And she's 100 lesbian.

"Check it out!" Kevin says, grabbing Ducky by the hand and dragging him outside.

"Do you think there still may be something there?" I ask Alex. He's smiling as he watches them.

"I dunno. It's a tough call. But Kevin seems totally convinced that Ducky isn't over Justin."

"How much truth is there to that?" I ask.

"I'd say about thirty percent truth? I don't know if he's over him or not, but I think he'd like to be. And probably would like to be with Kevin."

"They'd make a cute couple."

Alex nods.

"What about you?" I ask. "Anyone special?"

"Nahhh, I'm not dating. My shrink doesn't recommend it. Handling rejection and all of that."

We walked out into the parking lot where Kevin is showing Ducky his new car. It's white, probably about ten years old. Kevin's already added a plastic rainbow lei to the review mirror, and a rainbow sticker on the bumper.

"Oh, yeah, they are so cute," Fran says. "If I could find something like that, I'd be one happy girl."

"Hey, Amalia!"

I turn. Justin is running up toward me. I grin.

"Hey!"

"What are you up to?" he asks.

I motion around me, trying to be vague about Ducky talking to Kevin. "Just hanging out. On your way to practice?"

He nods. "Sort of dreading it."

"Things bad?" I ask.

"Tense," he replies. "Rico's pissed because I'm doing the play and I'm busy with that, that's where I just came from, and there's the usual bickering. And Maggie-"

He stops dead.

"Something happen with Maggie?" She hadn't mentioned anything happening with Justin. But I hadn't talked to her much, I'd been spending so much time with Ducky and Alex and catching up on my mountains of homework. And she's been hanging out with a bunch of juniors from the Inner Vistas.

"No, well... not with the band. It's just..." He stammers for a good thirty seconds. "Maggie and I just aren't really friends anymore."

He leaves it at that, and since he seems so uncomfortable with the subject, I don't push.

"But the CD came out today," he says.

I gasp. "OH MY GOD! THAT'S RIGHT! I completely forgot! I have to get it."

"I've got like three copies in my car. Rainah gave us copies yesterday. Come on." Justin looks around. Alex and Fran are standing there. "Come on," he repeats.

However, I'm the only one who goes out to his car with him. Justin puts it into the CD player. It's AMAZING. It's just what I heard them playing in the studio, but BETTER.

"This is fantastic!" I exclaim.

"I know!" he says. "This morning, I mailed one out to my Dad and to my brother." He hands me a CD case. "Just for you."

I look at the cover. It's the beach shot that I liked so much with the word VANISH across the front. I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I MISS being part of the band. I miss that. But then there's the fact that I'm actually getting decent grades. I've had dinner with my family. I don't feel like I'm being stretched out like bubblegum.

As much as I miss the band, even with their fighting, I'm glad I'm not their manager anymore.

"I've got to go," Justin says. "Rico's on my ass as it is. I don't need him getting on me for being late."

"We should hang out," I say.

He nods. "Yeah, we should. You hanging out with Ducky a lot?"

It's strange to hear Justin calling Ducky "Ducky" because he never does. Or at least he never did. I don't comment about that, I just nod. "Yeah, we work together at the bookstore. I went to my first ever GSA meeting today."

"I went to those. I still would, I think, but I'm just so busy. Band, and now the play. I'm hanging out with Dawn a lot lately."

I raise my eyebrows. That seems like a weird combination. As far as I knew, Justin and Dawn have hardly spoken to each other. Again, I keep my mouth closed, which twice in one conversation must be like some Amalia record.

I hear Alex shouting for me. They're getting ready to leave.

Justin and I say good-bye. I run across the parking lot and jump in the backseat of Ducky's car. He's following Kevin to the mall.

"I saw you talking to Justin," Ducky says lightly.

"Yeah, Vanish's CD came out today. He gave me a copy." I wave the CD case.

"If I had a CD player in here, we could play it," Ducky says.

"You should save up for one," Alex replies.

"I'm too busy saving up for a paint job."

"Oh. " Alex shakes his head. "I can't believe I forgot."

"You forgot? The reason you have to slide in across the driver's seat to get into the car? I hope you didn't think that was permanent."

Alex puts his head in his hands. "Sorry, man."

Ducky takes a hand off the wheel and pats Alex's shoulder. "It's okay." Ducky's eyes flash back at me in the review. He's pulling a tough balance between treating Alex normally, and making sure to stay sensitive to him.

Alex is totally aware that Ducky is doing this. But it's like part of their relationship to know exactly what the other one is thinking, but let then let the other one believe that they're totally clueless. And they both know that they do this. It's interesting to watch. It sort of makes me the odd one out, but Ducky and Alex are pretty much all I've got for friends right now.

And I don't really mind.

My hand's cramping. I'm going to go get a snack.

Later, 3/10

We arrive at the mall and no one can agree on where to eat, so we settle on the food court. We all get food and push together two tables.

"How do you do that?" I ask Fran. She has like a two and half meals from China Wok.

"Good genes," she replies. "I know someday it will go away and what I eat will land on my hips, so I'm going to eat everything I can until then."

I laugh. I like Fran.

Alex tips his chair back onto its back two legs. "I have an announcement. Our school is full of the the most idiot assholes. Present company excluded."

"What happened?" Kevin asks.

"Since I've come back to Vista, I've dealt with whispers behind my back. I'm the crazy freak who tried to off himself-"

I see Ducky flinch.

"-but now there's a new development. I had some guy come up to me today and ask me, ask me right to my face, what's the best way to kill himself?"

Whenever Alex gets onto the subject of his attempted suicide, which isn't often, but when it happens, he always talks about it in a sense of joking. I know well enough that it's like a defense mechanism. If he can joke about it, he doesn't have to face it. I understand that. But I hate the look on Ducky's face when it happens.

"Oh my god," Fran says.

"What did you say to him?" Macon asks.

"I told him to ask someone who succeeded. He gave me an awfully funny look, and here's the punchline. He then grins, says 'Thanks!' and walks away. I have never come across an idiot like that before." Alex takes a bite of his Arby's sandwich.

"Idiot," Kevin says under his breath.

Ducky busies himself with his burger.

The subject changes and Ducky becomes part of the conversation again.

We finish our food.

"I should get going," I say. "Isabel is expecting me home at some point."

"I'll take you," Ducky says. He stands up. Alex stands up too.

We say good-bye to everyone and walk out of the mall. Well, we're mostly out of the mall when Ducky explodes. In a Ducky sort of way that isn't actually exploding because he doesn't do that.

"How can you do that?" Ducky asks.

"What?" Alex replies.

"Talk about... talk about that like it's nothing. Like it's a joke."

"That? It? Oh, you mean that time I tried to kill myself." Alex shakes his head. "Why can't you just talk about it like a normal person?"

"Why can't you take it seriously?"

"I take it seriously! Why do you think I was gone for a year? Because I had to take it seriously. But I'm not going to break and cry every time the subject is brought up. I have to find some way to deal with it. The subject comes up. Sometimes I bring it up and sometimes it just happens. I quit my job here at the mall for you so I could deal with my life, and I thank you, but you can't run my life, Ducky. You can't do it all for me."

"You wouldn't even have a life if it wasn't for me!"

Alex stares at him. He's not the only one. Lots of people are staring now.

"I know," Alex says. "Every day I know. But am I going to have to repay for that every day? I don't know what you want me to do. Just tell me."

"Uhhh, guys?" I say. "We should go."

They both sort of snap out of it and remember that I'm there.

It's also part of the Ducky-Alex relationship to not talk about things until they blow up in their faces. But they always make up in the end. I sometimes get that referee feeling I had with the band, but they don't put me in the middle like the band did.

Maybe I'm just a born referee.

Ducky drops Alex off first. They say a pleasant sounding good-bye. I climb over into the front seat.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey," he replies. "Sorry about that."

I shrug. "You guys have a lot of history and sometimes that needs to be sorted out."

He nods. "That just drives me up the wall. And it's not like I think he owes me something... I just don't want him taking it so lightly."

I don't say anything. Ducky doesn't say anything else. We really don't need to. I may not have the same sort of psychic connection with Ducky that Alex has, but I know him well enough to know when he doesn't want to talk.

Which is most of the time. But he's really bummed out, because he's not asking how I'm doing, the usual Ducky way of not talking about himself.

He drops me off and I go inside.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Isabel looks frantic. She might be a little concerned for me, since it's after five, but I can see piles of bridal magazines, fabric samples, and photo album of cake pictures sitting on the kitchen table. No wonder she's frazzled.

"I went out to the GSA meeting with Ducky and Alex. And then we went out to eat."

"Can you help me?" She looks sort of helpless, so I nod.

We start weeding through the magazines. Isabel holds fabric up at me.

"That's like yellow," I say, wrinkling my nose.

"It's off-white," Isabel says. "Well, "bone.""

"Bone? Ew."

"I guess I really don't want an off-white dress anyway. Even if-" She cuts off and darts her eyes at me and then back at the fabric.

"Oh, yes, Isabel, you're the last virgin bride."

She laughs. "Okay, okay. Sometimes I forget that you're old enough for such talk. So, uh, those guys you hang out with. Anything there?"

"Anything?"

"Maybe you're not old enough. Boyfriends. Either of them?"

My love life isn't something I really discuss with Isabel, but she's aware that Brendan and I broke up back in December. However, she's totally clueless about Alex and Ducky.

"No, no, no," I say. "Not even close. How are things with Simon?"

"Good," she replies. "Amalia?"

"Hmm?" I'm drooling over this chocolate wedding cake that's decorated with real flowers.

"What do you think of Simon?"

I look up. "I don't really know him."

"Yeah... you should have come with us over Christmas. It was fun."

"How much time am I going to be spending with Simon's parents? They'll be your in-laws."

Isabel shrugs. "Is it a total crime for me to want my sister to get to know my future husband?" She pauses. "Husband. Amalia, do you think I'm running into this too quickly?"

"I can't really say. I don't really know Simon or much about your relationship."

"I'm only twenty-one, here. I haven't even finished college. Why aren't we happy just being together as we are? Why do we have to get married? That just makes things so much harder!"

She continues to ramble. I just let her go. If she cancels the engagement, that's less fabric samples. But then that also means a possibly depressed Isabel and that's never a good thing.

"Is is possible to postpone the engagement and just be boyfriend and girlfriend again?" I ask. "Or do you just have to snap in two?"

Isabel gives me a startled look. "Postponing the engagement doesn't always mean people break up. It's like saying every fight ends up in a break up. That's not how it works. People fight because they care. It takes a lot more than just one act to break people up."

I go upstairs and do homework. But I can't really concentrate. It makes me think of Brendan. We never fought, not really. Did that mean we didn't care? Or did it just mean that we were too involved with ourselves?

And I think about Ducky and Alex. They are the prime example of fighting because you care. And they never "break up." I don't know if I've ever been that kind of friend.

Maybe I'm just a referee. 


	31. Chapter Thirty One: Sunny

Chapter Thirty-One: Sunny

3/16

The Dad and Sunny family is crumbling. Dad and I hardly talk. We can't even look each other in the eye right now.

It's all like a big flare up. Will we go back to how we were faster this time? This time it's just the memory. This time... it's just the anniversary of the day she died.

Because, honestly, this past year has been so hard because it's always the first one. That was my first birthday without mom, our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas. And everyday, especially in the past few weeks, it's the first March 16th we've had since she was in our dining room in that hospital bed they set up, dying.

Somehow, I don't think that will make the coming year any easier.

But then again. This family crumbling could just be from the fact that I'm so rarely home these days.

Sneaking around can take up a lot of one's time.

But so far so good. The hardest part isn't the sneaking (though we will dismiss last week's near bust at school, could have been a disaster, but all ended well), it's the not telling anyone.

Ducky is on my ass about what I'm not telling him. If Dawn and I were really much of friends anymore (at least it's a faded and not a fight, so it doesn't FEEL like we're not friends) she'd be all over me. It's probably a good thing that Ducky is the only one I'm really close to. Or allow myself to be close to.

However, if he knew, he'd freak. He'd demand that I report it. Ha. Over my dead body. The second he reports those homophobic assholes beating him up. The second that there's something TO report.

Everything I have done I have wanted to do. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Because I know that if I told someone, it would be RAPE! ASSAULT! MOLESTATION!

And it is none of those things.

Yes, I'm aware of the words "statutory." I'm not an idiot. But as long as I don't say anything and no one finds out, who cares? What difference does it make?

None.

Absolutely none.

3/18

FRIDAY! FREEDOM!

Not really. I'm taking the weekend off from my double life to be a good daughter. Not that Lew made it easy. I was TRYING to leave school, especially since Ducky was waiting for me to surely interrogate me on the way home.

I was hanging out in the bio room, like any normal girl who is doing the bio teacher would do. Which probably isn't a scenario that happens too often, but we'll go with it.

"I've got to go," I said. I was sitting on his desk.

"Staaaaay," he said, sliding his arms around my waist. He was really being immature about the whole thing. Is being with me some sort of premature mid-life crisis? That's when people start to act totally nutso, right?

"Nope," I said, hopping off the desk. "I gotta go."

"We're on for tomorrow, right? Anything?"

"Nothing," I said. "I'm booked with family stuff. Next Saturday."

"I've got family stuff next weekend. My sister is coming down. Oh well, I'll just cancel or something. She'll understand."

"Ohhh, you're just going to make me feel guilty."

"No, no, it's fine. It'll raise more suspicions if you bail." Lew smiled. "Really. So what's so important that I'm getting dumped?"

My mouth opened, but words didn't come out. Somehow, discussing Mom didn't feel like something I wanted to do with Lew. That was sort of weird since I did everything else with him. But when he was looking me right in the face, it seemed too difficult to discuss.

"Sunny?" he said, his smile dropping. "What is it? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, really, it's just... oh well. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my mom's death. I'm spending the day with my Dad."

"Why didn't you say anything? Of course, that's important." He pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry."

"It's not like she died all over again," I said.

He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. He just held me. For about thirty seconds, because I REALLY had to go.

"We'll work something out about next weekend," he said, as I grabbed my backpack.

"I'll see you Monday, then!" I waved and left the room.

I ran downstairs and out the door to the parking lot. Ducky was sitting on the hood of his car waiting for me. I knew he was waiting for me by the look on his face. Ever since I had him cover for me last month, he's been totally distant with me. It's not like Ducky is ever really up front about things, but he's never like this. Not with me anyway.

"What?" I said, trying to be innocent.

"Nothing. Let's go."

Uh oh. I know that this isn't a good sign. I got into the car.

"How's the savings going?" I asked.

"Okay," Ducky replied. "From the estimate they gave me, I should have the money by next month. I can't believe how much painting a car costs."

"Is it just cheaper to get a new car?"

"Oh, no. No, not even close. It's just over three hundred."

"How much did you pay for this car?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not much more than that, I guess. But if I buy another car, this one will be falling apart. And hopefully it'll be nicer than this one."

So far so good. I got Ducky on a topic and he's talking. He's not really looking at me and his voice is sort of deadpanned, but he's talking. The boy can't resist to gossip, so I pull out my next trick.

"I heard that you were going on a date with that Randy guy. From the drama department."

"Randy? Durgan? No."

"Then who are you going out with?"

"No one."

"Liar."

"Tell me who you're going out with and I'll tell you."

Ouch. Low blow. But he got me. So I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride home. Ducky pulled up in front of my house and I didn't say anything as I got out, not even "thank you" which was probably rude, but what was I going to do?

I walked around the car, passing Ducky's window. He rolled down the window.

"Randy Durgan is straight. And I wouldn't see anyone in the drama department. Not right now."

"Because Justin's the in the play?" I asked.

"No, because there is a play. Remember when you saw that guy last year when they were putting on A Christmas Carol? It was useless. And you ended up with that weird guy in the auto shop class?"

"Are you trying to tell me that you're seeing someone in the auto shop?"

"No! I'm just saying that anyone in the drama department is useless during a show."

"Wait. Randy Durgan is straight?"

Ducky put his hands up to his face. He removed them. "Good-bye, Sunny."

I smiled. "Bye, Ducky. Thanks for the ride."

I went inside. Dad wasn't home, which wasn't surprising. He'd been spending more and more time at the bookstore. That's fine for me, but it makes the employees of the store a little nervous, having him hover over them.

I fixed myself a salad and went upstairs and did homework. Or at least I pretended to do homework. I stared out the window for a while. Then I doodled over my history notes. Then I started writing this entry.

I'm pretty useless. Good thing I have all weekend. I have no idea what Dad wants to do tomorrow.

I can't believe she's been gone for a year.

How am I going to feel twenty years from now? Will I still feel like this? Will I be amazed at how much time has passed like I am right now? Or will it just be another day, oh, she's been dead for another year, no big deal?

I hate it that I have to go through this.

3/19

It's over. I'm going over to Lew's tonight. Just so I can get out of the house.

It wasn't to terrible, I guess. Dad and I went out to breakfast. Well, brunch, since it was twelve-thirty, but we both had breakfast food. We didn't say a lot, and definitely no joking around. It was pretty much a "pass the salt" sort of meal.

I don't know what I expected. Mom really isn't a topic Dad and I discuss. We've spent the last year not talking about it and being okay. It wasn't going to be a giant sob-fest and suddenly we're telling each other how we feel. Feelings are another no-no topic for Dad and me.

So, we went down to where we spread Mom's ashes and hung out there for a while, not talking, and then Dad drove us home. On the drive home, I had to talk. I had to bring up SOMETHING.

"Is this next year going to be like last year?" I asked.

"What?"

"Well, it took us like until like September to figure out what kind of family we were without Mom. Once we got that, we were fine. But the past week, it's like we've reset. We're back to where we were after she died. Is it going to take us that long again?"

Dad didn't question me, so I guess he's felt the fact that we are the Dad and Sunny family and not just The Winslow's anymore because "The Winslow's" have Mom with them.

"I don't think so. I don't think we've reset. I think we'll be okay. I think... we're working things out still. But I think it'll be all right." Dad totally used the words "I think" way too many times. But to hear to him say it made me feel better.

It also made me feel totally suffocated. Working things out still? What does that mean? I thought we had this worked out. Mom is dead, we're left here. Am I still working things out without even realizing it? Is doing everything I do still WORKING IT OUT?

I was a tease when Mom was sick.

Am I a whore now that she's dead?

It's too terrible to even think about.

3/27

This week has been too busy to write. Spring break, busy, busy. I'm actually too busy to write right now, but... I think I'm officially freaked out. That last bit of control I thought I had with Lew is officially gone. Things have left pleasantly uncomfortable and have entered totally weird.

And wrong.

I think I have to get out of this.

Like any Saturday, I went over to Lew's. I didn't go over until the afternoon, because his sister was spending Friday night there. However, when I arrived there at four-thirty, she was still there. I had no idea what to do.

"Oh! Uh, I just, uh... Came by for-"

She laughed. "Sunny, right?"

I stopped stammering. "Right."

"We met back in October. I'm Winnie, remember?"

I did remember meeting her. But I didn't understand why she was acting so normal about this. I didn't know what to say.

"It's okay. Lew's told me all about you."

"All about?" I repeated.

"Everything. I think it's great. Girls should be allowed to explore their sexuality however they want to."

This should have been my first sign that something was off. However, I just relaxed. "Yeah, it's... it's great."

I came inside and kicked off my shoes like I always do. I walked into the kitchen where Lew as cooking. I came up behind him and wrapped my warms around his waist and kissed his cheek. It was weird doing that in front of someone.

However, Winnie didn't say anything. She just smiled and stirred the spaghetti.

We ate dinner, while Winnie and I discussed vegetarianism compared to vegan-ism and the differences. Lew, who will eat anything, didn't have much to say on the subject. Winnie is a vegan.

I liked her a lot.

Lew drank a glass of wine and let me have a couple of sips. It was sort of gross, but I didn't let on. Winnie didn't have any, declaring alcohol impure for your body.

She sort of reminded me of Dawn. She had the same sort of all mighty power state of mind that Dawn has. Though in Dawn it's annoying. In Winnie it was empowering. I felt like I could take on anything.

However, there was one thing that nagged me all through dinner. I knew Lew would want to have sex, I knew I did too, but what were we going to do about Winnie? Was she planning on leaving? Or was she going to just sleep KNOWING what going on in the next room over?

The thought sort of made me queasy. That was nothing.

Around seven, Lew and I were sitting on the couch. He was holding me. Winnie was sitting across the room on the love seat.

Lew stretched. "I'm ready for bed."

Obviously, I knew where we was going with this. So did Winnie. She smiled.

"Go ahead. Sunny and I can have some girl talk."

Or... maybe she didn't. I looked from her to Lew. "Uhh, okay."

He left and I stayed on the couch. Winnie sat down next to me. I started to feel awkward. I really wanted to follow Lew down the hall and lock the door, but since that wasn't much of an option, I just had to go with it.

"What I said about girls exploring their sexuality, I meant it," she said. She put her hand on my knee.

"Uhhhh," I said. "I like Lew, but, uh, I'm not... at all. Not that I've got a problem with anyone being gay, my best friend is, but, uh, not me."

"I'm not gay either. I just sometimes have sex with girls."

Well, it sounded gay to me. And I don't know what she was getting at. I mean, if Lew had told her that we were having sex, and she wanted something from me, she was barking up the wrong tree. I didn't just have sex with anyone. Lew is the first and the only. And it wasn't like I just did it without thinking about it.

Okay, it was a little random, that first time, but... oh why am I trying to explain myself? I know what I mean.

"I'm just not into that," I said. I tried to stop stringing together "uhh's" because that had to have "I don't know" written all over it. When I knew that all I wanted was for her to leave me alone with Lew.

Winnie took her hand off my knee. She put her hand on my shoulder and sort of pushed me up. "Go to him. I'll be in."

I didn't like the sound of this, but I did as she said. I felt a little bit more relieved when I was in the bedroom with Lew. He was shirtless and I crawled onto the bed next to him.

"I don't know about this," I said. "What did you tell her, exactly?"

"Just the basics. The truth," he said. He caressed my breast through my shirt. He didn't really seem bothered by anything I was saying. He had never been like this before. He was always so sweet, and now he was acting totally distant and weird.

"Maybe I don't want to tonight," I said uncertainly.

"What? You do it every other night? What makes tonight so different?"

I could feel myself falling into a trap. I KNEW it was a trap. But I fell anyway.

I'd been falling since day one.

"Okay," I said. I started to take off my clothes slowly in a mix of trying to be sexy and trying to prolong wearing them. It didn't matter. Lew helped me take them off as he pulled off his own pants.

I put Winnie out of my mind as Lew and I made out on the bed. Then the door opened and there was a flash. I looked up. It was Winnie holding a Polaroid camera.

"Don't mind me!" she said. Lew laughed. I felt like crying.

The pictures fell one by one onto the floor. Me lying the on the bed, Lew pretending to masturbate over me. Me sucking his dick. Him slapping my butt. Him biting my nipples. Us screwing against his dresser.

I'd never seen anyone use up film like that. Winnie was running around in just a bra, and she occasionally stopped to masturbate watching us. Lew took pictures of the two of us together.

Hours later, Lew and Winnie were asleep on the bed. I was sitting up on the end getting dressed. It was just after ten, so the buses were still running. I'd walk home if I had to. I'd run. I had to get out of there.

I have never felt so used and abused in my life. I thought sex was a game, when it's nothing but control. And to think that a week ago, I was defending this. Defending him. Was this all it was leading up to? Sex with the pictures? Watching his sister and me together?

By the hall light, I could see Polaroid photographs strewn all over the floor. I picked one up and looked at it. I could clearly see my face, fighting back tears. I could see Lew's face, clear as day, grinning as he fingered me. I picked up another, me and Winnie. Her laughing. I could see my tears shining in the flash.

I chose a few more. I slipped them into my pocket and I left.

They would never know they were gone. There were twenty more. Maybe thirty.

Even though I knew what happened last night ended things with Lew and me, I knew I suddenly held an ace.

And I would play the next game. 


	32. Chapter Thirty Two: Ducky

Chapter Thirty-Two: Ducky 

March 29th

Tis the season to begin to panic.

Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Sunny isn't in school today. She wasn't in school yesterday. You're not sure if that means she's sick or if something's wrong. She's left you confused. Last year she practically skipped more days than she attended. This year she hasn't missed a single day.

So, you're confused. You're worried. You've been worried about Sunny for so long, you wonder if it's becoming a habit. Like smoking. You wonder if picking up smoking might help you not worry so much. It seems that smokers always smoke when they're nervous or upset, but then you figure that you'd just be worried and broke.

You try calling her house, but you just get the answering machine. One time you call and her Dad answers. You ask if she's there. He says no.

You're sure she is, though. You can't really rag on Mr. W's parenting skills given the case of your own parents (you could be missing for two days and they wouldn't know the difference as long as they got to talk to Ted, whom they can understand), but you just KNOW that Sunny is home. You can't ask him, though, if her door is closed, or maybe she's spending hours on end in the bathroom. Maybe you could if he wasn't your boss. He asks YOU how Sunny it doing.

You can see where that one is going. "Well, sir, I don't know because I haven't seen her in two days. And I've lied to you about where she is before. Maybe you try keeping better tabs on your daughter and stop putting it on her seventeen year old best friend who doesn't feel much like a friend since she hasn't told him anything going on in her life since about January, but I'm pretty sure it's something illegal since she's not talking to me about it."

Yeah. Right.

Despite your rising panic about Sunny, you're trying to live life as normally as possible. This includes eating lunch with Alex and Kevin. That takes your mind off of Sunny.

You're still working out this Kevin thing. You like him. This is non-issue. You know you do. You're also certain that he likes you. Yet nothing has been brought up since that date you went on last month. You're not sure where this is going.

Amalia says that he doesn't want to be Justin replacement. That Kevin wants to be sure that I want to be with him, and I'm not just looking for someone to fill up a space.

You can understand that. However, you can't figure out how he's being so damn patient. And you're not sure what exactly he's waiting. For what's the sign that you're 100 over Justin? You feel over Justin. You don't look away when he says hi to you in the halls. In fact, you say hi back. For the most part, that's the only time you think of him.

And in this context. You think of him in the context of Kevin. They are absolutely nothing alike. You think you like Kevin MORE, but that's something you're sure you can't rate.

It's a tough call. Not the rating, all of it. It's all tough.

Either way you never thought you were the kind of guy to (possibly) end up with two different guys in the same year. Is this making up for the romantic dry spell of the rest of your life?

All in all, you'd rather just have one forever, but at seventeen that's a rarity. And you're not expecting that anytime soon.

The whole thing is really confusing. Where do you draw the lines? Where is KEVIN drawing the lines? It's so difficult to figure out.

March 30th

Sunny not in school again today. You wonder if she's planning on coming at all this week. You leave another five messages on her voice mail. You send her text messages. You send emails. You drop comments on her Livejournal that she hasn't updated since you met her in hopes that she'll realize you're trying to get in contact with her.

The last voice mail message was desperate. Paraphrasing, "Sunny, I don't know why you're avoiding me and the rest of human life, but please, please, please call me. Or come over. Or something. Whatever's bothering you, you know you can trust me. Or at least I hope you know. Please call."

You banged on her door for about fifteen minutes today after school. You knew Mr. W. was at the store. You should probably go over when he's there so you don't have to attempt to break down the door. And if he wasn't your boss, slug him for being a crappy father. However, you hate to take him out of the sense of security that you obviously bring him.

But you're not Sunny's dad. He is.

You talked to Dawn today. You know she and Sunny aren't currently on the best of terms, but you figure if Sunny's not talking to you, she might be talking to someone else.

"Hey, Dawn!" You sprint down the hall to her locker. Her back is to you. She's talking to Justin, but you're more interested in finding out where Sunny is than being awkward around him.

She grins. "Hey, Ducky. What's going on?"

"Have you seen Sunny?"

She thinks, chewing on her bottom lip. "No, not since... Friday. I saw her coming out of the bio lab. I think she's falling behind in that class."

"Why do you say that?" you ask.

Dawn shrugs. "I just figured she was getting extra homework or something. When she talks about homework, she talks about bio. I just guessed that she's doing more homework than everyone else."

"Huh," you mutter. You smile. "How are you doing?"

"Good, great..." She scratches the side of her head, gives Justin a sideways look and laughs. "No, just good."

"Not great?"

"No, not great. Things are getting weird with Christian. I sort of haven't seen him in a while, and he leaves me weird voice mails every couple of days. I think he's skipping classes. He hasn't been the same since..." She looks at Justin for some kind of reference, but he shrugs.

"He's always weird around me."

Dawn looks back at you. "I don't know, I guess since maybe February? I mean, I've seen him since February, but he's just been acting really odd. Really... distant. No clue." She puts a hand on your arm. "How are you doing? I feel like I never see you."

"I'm okay. Working a lot."

"Amalia said you're seeing some guy?"

"Oh, uh..." Even though you're not looking at Justin, you make a point not to. "Not really seeing... just, uh, hanging out."

"Uh-huhhh..." Dawn grins. "What's his name?"

"Kevin Donahue," you say.

"Oh, student activities," Justin says. "They're doing up the programs for the Bye Bye Birdie next week. I'm supposed to write a little thing."

"Little thing?" you ask, forgetting that you're not looking at Justin.

"Seniors get like a hundred or so word bio, thank you's, funny in-jokes or whatever you want in the program. I have no idea what to say. I don't think I have any funny in-jokes."

"You can thank me," Dawn says.

"And me," you add.

"'Thank you Dawn and Ducky.' I think they want more than five words," Justin says. He laughs. "I'll think of something. I hope."

"I hope so too." Kevin comes up behind me. "We budget by pages, not by words. And you're popular. People want to hear what you have to say. You're like the reason people are going to come see the show."

Justin's eyes widen. "Oh god. Don't tell me that. I'll pass out and die right there on the stage."

"No, you won't. The show must go on," Kevin replies.

"That's what I said!" Dawn exclaims. "Besides, he's going to be great. I've been helping him rehearse."

"If Dawn was sophomore, she would have been the perfect Kim," Justin says. "She's way better than Danielle."

"I can see that," you say. "Being the perfect Kim. Not being better, since I honestly have no idea."

"Not the singing, though," Dawn says. "I can't sing."

"You're fine," Justin says, waving a hand at her.

"It sucks that it's so hard for freshmen to get parts," Kevin says. "It's a year wasted on good actors. There's, what? Two freshmen in the show?"

"Three. All screaming chorus fangirls. Fangirls for me, of course." Justin grins. "That's the biggest perk of being Conrad."

"And doing the Elvis moves," Dawn added.

"Strike a pose!" Kevin says.

"Not before opening night!" Justin replies, laughing.

You laugh too. This feels comfortable. Apparently Dawn senses it too.

"Hey, you guys want to come out with us? We're going over to that new vegetarian place on Apple street to try it out. I can only stay until four-thirty, I've got a baby-sitting job at five, but it'll be fun."

"You can stay til four-fifty if I give you a ride," Justin says. She nods.

"I can't," you say. "I'm working. Until six-thirty."

"Can I come over then?" Kevin asks.

"Sure," you reply.

"Great. I've got an activities meeting to run to, so I'll see everyone later. And, Justin, figure out something to say. And say it well." Kevin gives your hand a squeeze, he waves (with the other hand) and hurries off from the direction he came.

"He is so nice," Dawn says. "You guys would make such a cute couple."

"Whatever," you say, feeling your face go red.

Justin gives you a strange sort of half-smile. "No, she's right."

You blush some more, check your watch and claim being late. You're not really, but you started to feel a little bit of pressure. Pressure that you hadn't felt before. Maybe it was Justin's blessing, or maybe it was Dawn's that makes you feel like anything and everything is okay.

Oh, don't forget. Saturday. Getting the car painted. Finally.

March 31st

Did April Fool's Day come early? Or did last night really happen?

You work with the new girl Julie (she's not really a "girl" since she's twenty-two, but either way) until six-thirty. She's nice, a little weird; you talk about books and seem to get along okay. You drive home.

The house is empty, and that's normal. You fix yourself some semi-dinner when you find that the roast beef you bought last week is still good. The bread isn't moldy or very stale, and mustard, of course, is fine. Mustard lasts a very long time. You're about halfway through the sandwich when you figure that the roast beef WASN'T as good as you thought it was and throw the rest away.

About ten minutes later, there's a knock at the door. It's Kevin. And he's brought you leftovers from dinner at his house in a Tupperware container. Chicken, wild rice, and some kind of cream sauce. It's still hot.

"Oh, thank god," you say.

"I will come over everyday if you keep calling me god," Kevin says.

You laugh. You lead him into the kitchen (That's semi-clean). "Want some..." You think think of the fridge with the out-of-date milk and flat soda, "water?"

"Sure."

You get two glasses and sit down. You eat while Kevin tells you about the student activities meeting.

"Right now the big deal is the school play. That's at the end of April. So we fuss with that now, and by mid-April we'll be working on prom stuff. Anyway, Mr. Williams is insisting on orange for the programs, but I keep telling him we don't want to blind play-goers. But I'm totally out voted. I swear, these idiots are lemmings. They'd listen to me if I were a senior. Oh well, next year."

After gobbling down Kevin's mom's cooking, you realize that you don't have much of anything for the two of you to do.

"We could watch a movie, but we don't really have anything here..." you say. You look on top of the TV. There are two DVD cases. You look at them. They're rented, and obviously Ted picks, Dawn of the Dead (the original, at least) and College Co-Ed's Tittie Flashers (or something like that).

"You like horror movies?" You hold up Dawn of the Dead.

Kevin looks a little wary. "Not usually. But you'll protect me, right?"

"From images on a screen? Sure."

We sit on the couch and watch the movie. Every time a zombie comes on the screen, Kevin turns his head, buries his face in your arm and asks, "Is it over? Is it over?" To which you reply, "It's over," when it is.

When the movie is finished, Kevin shakes his head. "I'm going to have nightmares."

"No, you won't. You didn't see a single zombie."

"Okay, but I heard them. Sometimes what you don't see is even worse." He clutches your arm. "Ducky, I'm going to ask you something."

"Is it about zombies?"

"Nope."

"Then shoot."

"I know it's a bit early, but being in activities, it keeps me thinking ahead. And I have to ask before you get absolutely trampled by cute boys. Would you like to go to prom with me?"

You're stunned. You hadn't even thought about prom. "Uh, prom... as... friends?"

Kevin smiles. "As friends with open minds about changing or not changing friends status?"

You grin. "That's sounds great. Yes, I'll go to prom with you."

"You do realize that means we'll be dancing, two guys, no inhibitions, right?"

"I'm sure there will be some inhibitions. But I'll get over it. I'll make myself."

"Fantastic." Kevin's grinning. He kisses you on the cheek. "It's late, I have to go. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Lunch, right?"

"Right."

Kevin leaves and the house feels very empty. However you can't stop smiling.

Except that Sunny wasn't in school again today. Four days in a row. This isn't sick and this isn't like her. You hope she's not dead somewhere. You leave another voice mail. You know she's hearing them, because the box would be full by now.

"Sunny, please call me. Sunny, let me know that you're alive. I'm worried. I'm getting scared. Please. Call."


	33. Chapter Thirty Three: Dawn

Chapter Thirty-Three: Dawn

April 4th

Justin dropped me off at the house after school. He had homework, I had homework. There wasn't time to do anything. That was okay since we'd hung out all weekend, except for my date with Christian Friday night.

When I wrote all about it, I kept mentioning Christian seeming in a daze, like he was in another world. He didn't seem to be paying attention to anything. I couldn't figure out what it was. He would stare off at neon lights. He picked at his food at dinner, then he gobbled down popcorn and candy at the movies.

None of it made any sense. Now it does.

I'd started on my homework right away. Well, not right away. I'd gotten a snack (leftover tofu salad), kicked off my shoes and socks. I was regretting all day wearing sneakers instead of sandals. It was perfect sandal weather out today.

I opened my window and started on my homework. I flipped on the radio. It was a perfect moment. Besides the homework, I mean. Homework or not, it was pretty nice. It felt like Stoneybrook in early June, edging onto summer. Just beautiful.

I was about half through English, when there's a banging on my door. I got up, expecting Jeff, since no one else in the house bangs on my door like that. I opened the door and it's not Jeff. It's Justin.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, probably sounding rude, but I didn't mean it that way.

He was grinning. He held a paper up. "Guess who just got accepted into San Francisco University?"

"NO WAY!" I screamed. I threw my arms around his neck and he swung me around the room. I knew that it was one of the schools he really wanted to get into that he actually thought he had a chance. Obviously, he had more than a chance! "This is so great!"

"I know!"

"What now? What are you going to study?"

"Whatever the hell I want!"

Carol stepped inside my room. "What's going on in here? You're lucky that Gracie is already awake, or you two would be putting her back down."

Justin held up his letter. "I just got accepted into college!"

Carol screamed (which is the sort of thing that would usually annoy me, her acting so much younger than her age, but today I was so excited for Justin, I forgot to be annoyed). She hugged Justin. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks." He was grinning like crazy. "Would it be all right if I took Dawn out for some celebrating?"

"Take me out?" I asked. "I'm the one who should be taking you out!"

"No way." Justin looked at Carol. "It's cool, right?"

"Of course, of course," Carol replied. She made a shooing motion for at the door, telling us to leave already. She left, but we didn't leave right away.

"This is so fantastic," I said, leaning against my desk. "Are you going to live with your dad?"

"Probably not," Justin replied, sitting on my bed. "The school is about half an hour away from where he lives, I MapQuested it. But I can go on weekends and holidays and stuff. I called Dad to tell him and he's totally excited. He said something about clearing out the guest room. I'm guessing that means a room for me? I'm not really sure."

"Of course it means room for you," I said. "Come on, let's go. I still do have homework to do tonight." I could hear the phone ringing, and, from probably the living room, I could hear Carol answering it.

I was right. Carol was on the phone in the living room. I didn't pay a lot of attention, since she knew we were leaving. We had just gone out the door and were almost to Justin's car, when Carol stopped us.

"Dawn!" she called from the door.

I looked at her. The phone was still in her hand, but she was obviously off. I was expecting her to say "get milk" or "be careful," so it was a shock.

She walked down the sidewalk, closer to me, so she didn't have to shout. She put a hand on my shoulder. "Honey, that was Christian's brother on the phone. Christian's in the hospital."

I gasped. "What? Why? What happened?"

"He didn't say."

"How did he get our number?" I have no idea why that question entered my mind.

"He looked it up in the phone book. Someone told him that you're Christian's girlfriend." Carol squeezed my arm. "Do you want me to take you there? I'm sure they won't let you see him, but... it may make you feel better. To be there."

"I can take her," Justin said. "Unless you just want to go, Carol."

"No, no, you two go," Carol said. "But call me. You have your cell phone, right Dawn?"

I nodded. I don't remember getting into Justin's car or driving there. I remember walking into the hospital and Justin asking about Christian at the front desk. We got into an elevator. The last time I had been at the hospital was to visit Mrs. Winslow. I started to cry.

"Dawn?" Justin put his arm around my shoulders. He didn't say anything or ask stupid questions (I hate when people ask "What's wrong" in situations where it's obvious or "Are you all right" when you're apparently not).

We got off the elevator and I followed Justin down a long, white hallway. We went into a waiting room area. It wasn't really a room. It was just some chairs in front of a nurse's station. Beyond it, I could see rooms with big windows. We sat down.

"Did the woman at the front desk say what was wrong with him?" I asked.

Justin gave me a funny look. "Dawn, we're in the hospital's drug treatment center."

It was like my stomach dropped out. I couldn't say anything. I looked around. There was only one other person in the waiting area. He was wearing a black suit with a red tie. He was reading a magazine, Forbes. He was around twenty-five or so and had black hair that was mostly pushed back out of his face, and a little long in the back. A black briefcase sat at his feet.

For some reason, I was just staring at him. He looked up at the clock during a page-turn, and I knew who he was. He had the same blue eyes as Christian. I tapped Justin's arm.

"That's got to be his brother."

Justin studied him for a moment and nodded. "Are you going to say something to him?"

"Yeah." I got up and walked across the room. "Uh, excuse me?"

He looked up at me. "Can I help you?"

"Are you, uh, Christian's brother?"

"Are you Dawn?"

I nodded.

He stood up. "I'm Frank Delgotto."

"Have they told you anything?" My voice was shaking. Not only was I worried, but Frank was the sort of person that just makes you nervous. Not in a creepy way, but more in the way that he's a very important person, and he's aware of it.

He sighed. "Apparently, Cristo has gotten himself badly involved with drugs."

"Again? It's Monday. It's the middle of the afternoon. What do you mean again?" My words were a total jumble. I couldn't seem to understand anything.

Frank gave me an odd look. "You didn't know about any of this. He never told you, and you're not involved at all."

I shook my head. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Short story, this isn't the first time Christian has overdosed."

"Overdosed?" I gasped.

"Yes. He overdosed on cocaine when he was twelve. After that he was sent to rehab. I know since they he's been caught smoking pot and drinking, but hadn't moved back to hard drugs. Until now, that is. Honestly, I assumed that you were the reason. That, now, seems unfounded. You seem like a nice girl."

I had heard everything, but I was stuck on one thing. "TWELVE?"

"Out idiot brother George entered high school with the idea of partying. And, for some reason, took Christian with him. Christian was ten then. He was the only fifth grader with a nicotine habit. I'm not really sure of all the details, I was in college by then, but... I know it wasn't good. After his overdose, he went into rehab, and, as far as I knew, it wasn't this bad."

"How is he?" I asked. I was in shock, but I wasn't angry. Not yet anyway. I had to know if he was going to live first, I think.

"He'll live," Frank said. "He's having trouble breathing-"

"He can't breath?"

"He's breathing too quickly. His body temperature is too high, and they're concerned about kidney failure. Given the circumstances, he's not doing too badly."

"What happens if his kidneys fail?" I asked.

"He gets one of mine."

"Oh."

"You should probably go back home. They're not going to let you see him, they're hardly letting me see him."

"Oh... right. Thanks."

"Come back tomorrow," Frank said.

I thanked him again and walked back to Justin. "Let's go."

We rode in the elevator downstairs in silence. We walked out to the car in silence. We got in and Justin started the car. Before he pulled out of the parking lot, I exploded.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? DRUGS? I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!"

Justin didn't say anything. He just let me go on.

I was so mad all of a sudden that I could have killed Christian right then. Maybe it was the security of knowing that he'd live, but the fact that I'd been lied to since the day I met him suddenly hit me with full force. I was mad at Frank for assuming that I was the reason Christian was doing this. I was mad at Christian for whatever reason it was that he had been doing this. I was mad at the fact that I was going to have to go home, tell Dad and Carol, and get a big, fat I told you so.

"You ready now?" Justin asked.

I nodded, but I was stewing inside. I was basically angry at anyone who had ever screwed me over at this point. I felt all of my anger toward Mary Anne, Mom, Dad, Sunny came spewing out too. I felt mad at the world. Except for Justin. He was being great.

"Want me to stay with you when you tell your parents?" Justin asked as he stopped the car in my driveway.

"Please," I said. "I'm going to get a huge 'I told you so' from Dad. He's been hating Christian since day one. Knowing he's a drug addict will probably make his day."

"Your dad doesn't want to see you hurt."

"It's too late for that."

We went inside. Dad and Carol were sitting the couch. Both of them were reading, but they looked up when we came in. Jeff was watching TV. He didn't even acknowledge us.

"How is he?" Carol asked. "What happened?"

"Uhhh, well. He's okay. I talked to Frank, his brother, and Christian is having trouble breathing and... he might need a new kidney, since his are on the edge of failing, but they might recover." I was obviously leaving out the important part.

"What happened?" Dad asked. He looked genuinely concerned. I felt like lying. I felt like telling him that Christian had been hit by a car. But that would make me as low as Christian.

"Christian... had a..." I couldn't form the words.

Justin took over. He sort of ripped the news off like a band-aid. "Christian overdosed on drugs. It wasn't mentioned what kind."

Jeff looked away from the TV, Carol gasped, and Dad's eyes widened. I braced myself for a punishment, a telling off, a declaration that I wasn't allowed to see Christian ever again (Not that I was really sure I wanted to anyway).

However, all Dad said was, "Have you talked to him?"

I shook my head. "I might get to tomorrow. Frank said to come back."

After that, Justin left, and the rest of my family had dinner. I didn't feel like eating so I went in my room. Things started falling together. Christian's ever-growing weird behavior. I wondered how long he's been using. Obviously since he was young, but he didn't seem like a drug addict at all.

I thought about his friends, the guy buying the bong from the Tea Shop. I remembered wanting to shrug off Dad's lecture about The Square and what Christian would be doing there. The guy at the Shop knew him. How often had he been there? What HAD he been buying there?

I was still sort of stuck on the fact that Christian had been in rehab at age twelve. What in the world does that mean? I know it what it means, but it's so confusing. Other than like, babies who are born addicted to crack and stuff because their mothers were, I've never heard of anyone that young being in rehab. Well, that's not really true, I have. This IS California.

But not anyone I've known. Not anyone who I thought I could trust.

I have to go to bed. I can't think anymore.

April 5th

Today Justin had rehearsal, so I took the bus to the hospital. I skipped P.E. like usual and went early. I went upstairs to the drug unit, and there was Frank sitting in the waiting area. I was hoping he was there, since I had no way of contacting him. He was wearing all black again, but with a blue tie today.

"Hi," I said.

He looked up from his magazine (Newsweek). "Dawn, hello."

"How is he?"

"Better, much better already. His body temperature is normal, and his breathing is more regular. His kidneys still aren't working on their own, though." He smiled and it was kind of weird because I hadn't seen him smile. In fact, he seemed like the kind of person who didn't smile a lot at all.

"Can I see him today?"

"No, I'm sorry. Not until his kidneys are stable. However, all of the drugs are out of his system."

I nodded. This time Frank and I exchanged cell phone numbers so he could contact me when I COULD see Christian, instead of just coming down everyday until I could.

I felt very empty. The more I thought about it, it seemed obvious that Christian isn't who I thought I was. And it seems more and more apparent that I should just dump him. But I have to wonder if it's something that I did to drive him back to this. But I have to remind myself that people have free will. I didn't make anyone do anything.

I took the bus back to the school. I sat inside Justin's car (he never locks his doors) and did homework until he came out around five-thirty. Luckily he saw me before he got in and I scared him.

"Don't take this as a sign of unwelcome, but what are you doing in my car?" Justin asked after he sat down in the driver's seat.

"Homework," I replied. "I didn't feel like going home. I'm sick of facing Dad."

"Is he gloating or something?"

"No... I just... I feel like he should be. And the fact that he's not is even worse than if he was."

Justin nodded. "Do you want to go home now?"

I nodded. He took me home, and since I had most of my homework done, I just made myself a tofurkey sandwich and went into my room. I just sat around and started this entry. I don't know what to think about Christian. I hope I get to see him soon. I don't know why. I don't think I'm feeling as I should be. But I don't know how I should be feeling.

I'm so confused. It's only seven thirty. I think I'll finish my homework and go to bed.

April 7th

I got to see Christian today. The night before, according to Frank, Christian had his right kidney removed. It fixed all of the problems he had, so he's fine. Well, as fine as he can be until he gets through rehab.

Rehab. Ugh.

Today I went to a regular floor, full of halls of identical rooms. He was in a nice private room, much like the one Mrs. Winslow had been in, but much less personal. In the case of a hospital room, that's a good thing.

Christian was awake when I got there. He gave me a weak smile, like he wasn't sure how I was going to react. Really, I wasn't sure either, however, seeing him in that hospital bed, I felt bad for him. But... it wasn't any sort of forgiveness, or even understanding. It was pity.

"Hi," I said. My voice was wobbly. Was I allowed to be angry with him? He HAD just been through major surgery.

"Hey," he replied. He seemed sort of relieved. Like he had been expecting me to unsheathe a butcher knife or something.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay, you know, for having a kidney removed. According to the nurses, I'm going to have a killer scar."

"Uh huh." I sat down on the hard plastic chair that was next to his bed. "So... do you want to tell me exactly how you got here?"

"Oh, uh..." He looked away from me. "Just this party got out of control, and-"

"No, I mean, like... you're not on your way to first time at rehab?" I really didn't know how to phrase that.

Christian sighed. "What? Did Frank give you my entire medical history?"

"Only the parts he thought I needed to hear. Apparently the parts you've left out."

"All right, fine, I started partying pretty young-"

"How young? Tell me."

He sighed again. "When I was ten. It started with George and Frank. Frank, when he was in high school, he never took George anywhere with him. So George decided that he wasn't going to do that to me. He took me everywhere he went. He got involved in the party scene really quick, and so did I because of it."

"Didn't anyone think it was weird that there was a kid with him?" I asked.

"Not really. I was a novelty. Girls thought I was adorable, they gave me anything I wanted. And even things I wasn't sure I wanted." He paused, like he wasn't sure he wanted to tell me what he was about to. I really wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. "I started smoking when I was eleven, cigarettes, occasional pot. I... overdosed on crack when I was twelve. I was in rehab over that summer, I did really good during seventh grade. Well, I lost my virginity at thirteen to a seventeen year old. I stayed away from the hard drugs, I didn't touch them. I was still smoking cigarettes, sometimes pot, but nothing really bad."

"Not bad?" I asked.

"In perspective," he replied. "In the last year, I was just... slipping. The band, all of George's old friends, I thought they were my friends, I guess I was wrong. You're the only one who's showed up."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why did I only get to find out about this now?"

"Because I knew you'd disapprove."

"You got that right," I said. "The fact that your brother is an idiot, doesn't excuse your being an idiot. You know that drugs can do this to you, you've overdosed before, yet you went back to it. You kept smoking pot, even though that still has side effects. I don't even want to think about what else you've been doing at these "out of control" parties."

"Nothing! Just-" Christian fell back against his pillows. "I can't win here. Everything I did is wrong, don't you think I know that? I can't do anything right, is that what you want to hear, Dawn? Maybe Mary Anne is right about you. Maybe we all just can't hold up to your holy standards."

"This isn't about standards!" I cried. I was for sure angry now. How could he throw something MARY ANNE said about me in my face? "This is about the fact that you overdosed when you were TWELVE and now you've gone and done it again. This is about utter stupidity!"

"If you're just going to come here and call me stupid, then you can just leave!"

"I WILL!" I stormed out of the room. He acted like such a jerk, I wanted to strangle him. I stormed to the bus stop and rode back home. I stormed around my room for a while. Then I calmed down and did some homework.

I had to calm down enough for this entry. He makes me so mad. Yet... I think I might go see him again tomorrow. Why do I want to do that? I can't understand anything about how I'm feeling right now. I think I'm going to call Justin.  



	34. Chapter Thirty Four: Christian

Chapter Thirty-Four: Christian

April 8th

I'm home. Finally. Well, not home. I'm at a hotel room. This journal was one of the things in my backpack. Frank packed me a suitcase so I'll have clothes for the next week or so. Until all my stuff arrives.

I'm not even going to go over everything that happened. The party at that rich guy's house. The girls with their tongue rings. The coke, perfectly fine, snorted through hundred dollar bills. Blacking out and waking up in the hospital. I don't know who noticed that I was out and called an ambulance. Boy, I hope I didn't ruin the party (said with sarcasm).

I am going to go into everything that happened with Dawn. Today. Writing all of it just seems like too much work. I don't want to think about our fight. Even if we fought today. It wasn't screaming. It wasn't yelling. I guess it really wasn't a fight. I've never been dumped before. I've never known what that's like. I'd never been part of a break-up that was for a good reason.

Oh, and Frank. I hate him.

Not really. I did then. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him to go away and just let me live my life. Now that I'm eating room service food, it doesn't seem so bad.

This morning, Frank came into my room.

"The doctor says you can leave this afternoon," he said. He was wearing a suit, even though he hadn't been to the office in two days. Maybe all he owns are suits. I don't remember him wearing suits to school, however, I was only ten when he left for college. I don't have a lot of memories of Frank.

Maybe he'd been to a Palo City branch of his office? Do they have offices out here? Or maybe he just likes suits. I have no idea. I see Frank sometimes for holidays, though he hadn't been around at all the past few years. I don't know him at all.

"I'm going home?" I asked. "Back to school on Monday? Or straight to rehab? Which, by the way, I don't think I need. It was an accident. It was just one time."

Frank looked at the floor. "No, Christian, you're not going back to school. At least not to Vista."

"What? None of the guys who were at the party go to Vista? Why are you pulling me out? Can you even do that? It's not like you're my dad or something."

"Dad is useless and I think you know it," he replied, looking me in the eye. "And it's obvious to everyone else too. I've spent the last few days getting you into my custody."

"Custody?"

"I'm your legal guardian now. Or at least I will be on Tuesday."

"Dad agreed to this? I didn't agree to this!"

"Dad agreed because he doesn't care about you," Frank snapped. "This is a load off of him, now he can whatever he wants with you gone. Not that he didn't do that already for the most part. I, however, do care. And I'm not going to let your throw your life away like George. Not if I can help it and still do something about it. So, you'll be living with me in LA."

"And when I'm done with the program?"

Frank shook his head. "You'll still be living with me. I'm going to be your guardian, Cristo. When you're done with the program, you'll start school in LA. In the fall, mind you, at a private school, very elite. However, I've been talking to your teachers, and from you falling grades and that you'll be missing the last two months of the year, chances are you won't have the grades to pass. You'll probably be doing the tenth grade again."

I stared at him. I was in shock. Most of me wanted to throw a temper tantrum. Swear that he couldn't do this. Swear that if Dad didn't want me, I could just run away. I had no idea what life with Frank would be like. Frank was basically a stranger who shared my blood type.

The little sliver left of me stayed calm.

"What if... what if I don't want to live with you?" I asked.

"You don't have a lot of choice. I'm doing what's best for you."

"You don't know what's best for me."

"And YOU do?" He shook his head. "Cristoforo, you've got problems."

"Don't call me that," I said. "No one calls me that."

"Fine. And, really, Christian, are you so selfish that you think it's not causing change in my life too? I don't have to take you in, I don't have to change my lifestyle to accommodate you. I could leave you to rot, but I don't want to do that. Even though it might not seem like it to your coked out brain, I care."

"You cared when? When you didn't come by for Christmas?"

"I cared enough that I was willing to give up a kidney for you. I had to hang around this hospital in case I had to go into surgery to get a kidney removed. And you probably didn't even deserve it because you knew that the last overdose you had weakened your kidneys. You knew that every time you used, it made them worse, but it didn't matter. I cared enough to give it up if I had to. Because I'm your brother."

I knew I was being snotty, but I couldn't contain it. "Brothers, right. We really bonded when you went to college when I was ten. That sure gave us time to hang out."

"It's not my fault that I'm eight years older than you," Frank snapped. "Timing didn't work in our favor to be the closest brothers in the world, that's for sure, but it doesn't matter. I'm still your brother, you're stuck with me. You're moving to LA, and you just might not hate it."

"I'll hate it."

"Are things so great with Dad? Could it possibly be worse than living there? I've been to the house, I've seen what it looks like. I can't believe that I lived there at one time-"

"You lived there when Mom did," I said. "After Mom left it all went to Hell."

"And all your problems started."

I rolled my eyes. "I've never blamed my life on Mom. And what are you? Some kind of shrink?"

He shrugged. "I'm a stock broker."

Beside everything, I laughed. "So you're loaded?"

"I'm... well off."

"Maid service?"

"Yes."

"Cook?"

"No."

"But I don't have to do dishes?"

"No, no dishes."

I wrinkled my eyebrows at him. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

He laughed. "No."

"Are you gay?"

"Uh, not the last time I checked."

"Do you have a room for me, or are you moving?"

"It's a two bedroom apartment."

"Am I going back home to pack up my stuff, or is someone doing that for me?" I asked.

"It's being done for you. And you'll get to keep your things. Your bed and all your furniture. Even though it seems horrible, I'm going to do everything I can to keep things as normal as possible."

"Is Dawn coming over today?"

"Well, it's just now noon, so if she is, not until later," Frank replied.

I nodded. "Since I've still got a couple hours of being waited on hand and foot, I'm going to take a nap."

"Okay." Frank left.

I felt a little better about this moving thing. However, the whole thing made me want a cigarette. I couldn't wait to get out of that hospital room.

So at three-thirty (or so), I was taken downstairs in a wheelchair. I sat outside while Frank walked like half a mile to get his car. I sat on a bench by an ashtray and smoked a nasty menthol cigarette I bummed from a guy going inside. But it was better than nothing.

"You're out."

I looked up. It was Dawn. She was giving me the strangest look.

"They weren't going to keep me forever," I said. I sounded testy. I took a drag off the cigarette to help calm my nerves. It tasted horrible and I could feel a wheeze building up in my chest because of it. It felt weird to smoke in front of Dawn, but she knew everything else. Why hide that I'm still a smoker?

"It's weird to see you smoking," she commented.

Sometimes we're still on the same wavelength.

"I'm glad you stopped by," I said.

"Frank said you were leaving this afternoon. I just didn't expect so early..."

"You talked to him?"

"Cell phone," she replied.

"Oh."

"He's a nice guy."

"You into my brother?" I tried to make a joke.

"Like I'd be interested in some twenty-five year old man." She sort of laughed, but it seemed a little forced. "That's just too weird. When are you coming back to school?" she asked.

"I, uh, I'm not coming back. I'm moving to LA with Frank."

"What?" She look surprised.

I explained to her about rehab and custodies. I forgot that her parents were divorced and she was aware of how custody worked. However, she nodded understandingly the entire time. Maybe not for older brothers, though. So who knows.

"When are you leaving?" she asked. She still hadn't sat down.

"Umm... I don't know. I guess I'm going back to wherever Frank is staying tonight, because he said that I'm not going back home. Like, at all."

"And you're just never coming back?"

"I don't think so," I replied. "Unless I come back to see Dad, but... I don't really care." I mostly didn't care since Dad's been a shitty father, but I also didn't care because he just gave me up to Frank without consulting anyone. But then again, how sober was he when he agreed?

Dawn finally sat down next to me. I guess she was waiting until my cigarette was gone. "I guess I don't have to tell you that we're breaking up."

I nodded. "I sort of saw that coming."

"Are you going to tell anyone what happened?"

"Perry. I'm going to tell Perry. Have you told... I mean, does anyone else know?"

"Justin," she replied.

"Oh. Right. I guess I can understand that."

"Understand?"

"I screwed up, and not just this past week, I've been screwing up for a while. I can understand why you'd... be interested in Justin. He's-"

"It's not like that," she said. "We're friends. He was with me when I got the call about you being in the hospital. But we didn't tell anyone."

"Yeah," I said. I didn't believe her, though. About Justin. Not about telling anyone. "The past couple of months, we really weren't dating anyway. We were just boyfriend-girlfriend in name. And that's my fault, for being... an asshole."

"I won't say it's all your fault," Dawn admitted. "I... didn't make a lot of effort either. But I thought about it, Christian. Why you didn't tell me. It wasn't because you knew I'd disapprove. You knew that I'd hold you accountable to stop."

"You'd nag," I said.

"You might call it nagging, but when it's your life on the line, I'd say it wouldn't have been so bad. But maybe you just didn't want to feel even more guilty when I'd been right all along."

I could hear the tension in her voice. And she was right. Mostly right anyway. So I was kind of thankful when Frank pulled up to the door with the car.

"So this is it?" Dawn asked, her voice returning back to a normal tone. We both stood up. She looked like she was about to cry. I felt like telling her not to waste those tears on me. I didn't deserve them. But then again, it might be self-centered of me to think that it was all about me.

"Pretty much."

Frank got out of the car. "Ready, Cristo? Hello, Dawn."

She waved, then looked back to me. "E-mail me or something sometime, okay? When you're better." I knew she didn't mean it.

"I will," I replied, knowing that I never would.

She hugged me and I hugged her back. I think I might have held on a little bit longer.

I got into the car. "Where next?" I asked.

"Hotel tonight. Then tomorrow, we'll head to my apartment in LA. Your room has stuff in it now, and, well... I guess if you want to keep it you can. It's not your stuff, though." Frank pulled away from the door of the hospital. Dawn was waving. That's probably the last time I'm ever going to see Dawn Schafer. I fucked that one up big time.

Maybe next time it will be better.

"It's probably nicer than my shitty stuff," I replied.

He nodded. "It is."

I laughed. "Shut up."

"What? I'm just being honest."

For the first time ever in my life, Frank felt like my brother.

I don't know how long that will last, since he'll be the one doling out no's and punishments for the next two years of my life. But if this is a taste of that, I guess it's not too bad.

I don't know what else to think. I guess I need to start looking ahead. It's time to change. It's time to move on.

It's a new life. 


	35. Chapter Thirty Five: Sunny

Chapter Thirty-Five: Sunny

4/11

I did it. I told someone. I never though that it would be so difficult to make my mouth move. I've always been able to talk a good game, but today was brutally honest. In more ways that I could have even imagined.

I went over to Ducky's house after school. Not that I had gone to school. I haven't skipped so much school in a row before. So far Ducky was the only one who seemed to have noticed. Was I really that forgettable? Or in my blindness had I just shoved everyone away? I'm lucky that Ducky cares so much.

I was sitting on his front porch. I'd only been sitting there for about ten minutes (And wondering if it was possible that Ducky had to work and wouldn't be home until after dark) when he pulled into the drive. He barely took the time to turn off the engine, he got out of the car so far.

"God, Sunny, you're okay!" he exclaimed, scooping me into a giant hug.

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't okay, but instead I said, "I left you a voice mail."

"Three days ago! 'Hi, Ducky, I'm fine,' doesn't equal a reasonable response. I didn't have to worry about your current life status, but worse! Why in the world you were hiding in your room for the past two weeks."

"Oh, that. Can we go inside?"

"Sure." Ducky unlocked the door and we went in. "You want something to eat?" The way he was looking at me made me guess that going downstairs at two in the afternoon for carrot sticks and eating nothing else had taken its toll. I knew that my jeans felt loose and I was developing bags under my eyes, despite the fact that I slept more now than ever.

"No, thanks," I replied. I wasn't hungry. "I just need to talk."

"Okay." Ducky's face was increasing in worry. He motioned for me to sit on the couch. I did, and he sat next to me. "What's up?"

The way he said it, all full of concern and understanding, it was all I could do not to cry.

"I have a confession," I said. "I... oh God..."

Ducky didn't say anything. His mind was probably thinking a million different things. Maybe what he was thinking was so much worse. Maybe when I told him, he would laugh it off. Laugh and say something like, "That's all? I thought you killed someone, the way you're acting!"

Okay, I didn't really believe that. I just didn't want Ducky thinking awful things about me.

"Whatever it is," he said, "you know I'll still love you."

That was it. I started crying. For probably ten minutes, I bawled and Ducky held me, not asking questions. Finally, before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "I slept with Mr. Rutherford."

Ducky did my a favor by not trying to mask his shock. The look on his face, however, was surely one I wouldn't forget easily. For a split second I though he was mad at me, but that passed when he hugged me again. Ducky may not say much with how he's feeling, but sometimes he doesn't have to. At that moment, I could just feel his love.

When I had calmed down a little, Ducky asked me, "How did it happen?"

I wasn't being accused, and I was even glad, no matter how much I hated him, that Lew wasn't being accused. If I thought about it too much, I'd stop talking. So I started all the way back at Halloween, I told the story. I didn't think. I babbled. Ducky didn't stop me or ask questions. He understood that if he asked a question, he'd never hear the rest.

When I got to the end, that last night with Winnie and Lew, Ducky's face of shock and understanding changed to shock and anger.

"And... And that's it. I screwed Vista's biology teacher and now I'm paying the price. Utter emptiness and total shame that's kept me at home for the past two weeks." I leaned against the cushions of the couch. "But I guess that's what he wanted. A stupid whore."

Ducky, who hadn't really said anything, and was just absorbing information, said in a low, even voice, "You know, Sunny, you're going to have to report him."

"No," I said, sitting up straight. "I can't. I just can't."

"Why? Are you worried about your- did he threaten your grades?"

"No, nothing like that. I've made A's all year. I could fail every test for the rest of the year and still pass."

"Sunny, if you're worried about your reputation, it's just high school. It will be over one day."

"It's not that either, since my reputation is already crap. Though, do you think he zeroed in on me because of my reputation? You know, see if it's true, see if does put out? It took a freaking diamond necklace, and that definitely says I'm a whore. And who do you think he paid for it? Teachers don't make a lot of money? Do you think it's even real? Or maybe he bought in advance from some guy out of the back of a truck. Or-"

"Why then? What is it?"

I felt my stomach squirm. I didn't want to say it. If I said it out loud, it was like everyone, not just Ducky, would know. I took a deep breath. "If I report him, I'll have to tell my dad. And... I just don't want him thinking badly of me. I don't want Dad to know that I'm a whore."

"STOP SAYING THAT!"

I don't think I've ever heard Ducky raise his voice in anger before. Especially to me.

I stared at him, my jaw was probably dropped. "What?"

"That word! Sunny, you're not a whore, you're a victim!"

I should have gone along with that. It made me look good. However, it wasn't honest. "Ducky, don't you know me by now? I searched him out just as much."

"It doesn't matter! He's an adult, he's your teacher. Not only is the entire situation completely wrong because he's an adult, that's a total betrayal of the kind of trust you're supposed to be able to have with teachers. He should be in jail right now. You have to report this!"

Suddenly, I felt angry. I jumped up. "You are such a hypocrite!"

He sort of did a double take. "What?"

"Oh, something bad happens to me, I have to tell everyone. But you get your ass kicked in the locker room, you get your car vandalized, and you just roll over and take it, heaven forbid you tell someone! Isn't it the same thing? Aren't we just letting ourselves be victims?"

"Bullies happen everyday in schools across the country.," Ducky replied, sounding a little bit too calm. "And any gay kid, or any kid, that it happens to knows that reporting it will just make the situation worse. They'll just come on stronger, with more of them. But teachers sleeping with students doesn't happen all the time. Or at least we don't hear about it. Maybe it does. Maybe there are a million kids out there who are too afraid to tell. Who knows how many underage girls he's slept with that are too afraid to say something. Too afraid of what people will think of them. Maybe they were told that it was their fault for, I don't know, wearing skirts and having breasts, that they brought it upon themselves, that they let themselves get screwed. And now they're too afraid to say something, and that lets it happen again and again."

"So if I don't tell, if I let everyone knows that, I am, yes I'm going to say it, yes, I'm whore, then it'll stop it?"

"If it happened once, he's done it before, or he's going to do it again. What do you think the chances are he really loved you? That he wanted you for more than just the sex and the naked photos with his sister? Do you think for a second that if he loved you, you'd be feeling this way? That you'd be too ashamed to leave your room for half a month?" Ducky was on his feet too.

I think I was crying. If I was, Ducky was too unleashed too even feel bad about it. In fact, I think he was crying too. But I was too pissed to feel bad about that.

"I never said that!" I yelled. "I never said that he loved me. I never thought it. I'm not stupid and delusional, I never thought that he was my boyfriend, and that we'd live happily ever after. I knew it was temporary. I just... didn't think it would end like this!"

"Obviously, you didn't think! You never think!"

It was like he slapped me. I actually put my hand to my cheek, to make sure he hadn't. For a second there, I was too shocked to be angry. However, Ducky wasn't done.

"And I never said that it wasn't your fault too. Why do you think you keep doing this? You give some random guy a blowjob at a club in exchange for a few drinks, you fuck your teacher for a diamond necklace. Really, Sunny, I don't think it was for any of those things. You spent two weeks locked in your room and do you know what your father asked me? He asked me how you were doing. Like I'M supposed to know!"

"So it's his fault," I said. "For being a shitty father."

"God, Sunny, I haven't been in the same room with my parents for over a year now. Do you see me sucking cock between classes?"

"Well, maybe I'm not as holy as you are. All bow to saint Ducky! He can cope with the fact his parents wouldn't know if he was dead! They probably wouldn't even care! At least both of your parents are alive!"

"Do NOT throw that in my face. We're all aware that your mom died and it's NOT an excuse anymore! It's not an excuse for you, and it's not an excuse for your dad. You can't play the dead mom card every time and think it's going to solve your problems. And you might make mistakes, knowing that it's a mistake, because you know your dad won't do anything about it, but you still makes choices. It's still you doing it, Sunny. Yeah, Mr. Rutherford shouldn't have even taken you out, let alone violate you at a party, screw you in his apartment, and make you do those things in front of a camera, but you still did them. You did them because you knew that your dad wasn't going to even notice. You could get away with doing it all. It's only after it started to hurt that you realized there's more than one way to get a consequence."

Now I know I was crying. In fact, I was crying so hard I couldn't stand anymore. I fell back onto the couch. I couldn't talk. I was just crying. I wanted to run away, I wanted to get of there and never talk to Ducky ever again.

But isn't that what I always do? When someone presents the truth to me, run away and ignore them? It's what I've done to Dawn. Do I want to do that with Ducky too? I didn't think so. So I stayed there (not that I had a lot of choice, since my legs felt like jelly) and I cried. Ducky didn't comfort me, though. Like he would have.

Thinking about it now, well, even at the time, it was so strange to hear Ducky yell. It so weird to see him being aggressive and confrontational. He hates confrontation. I'd never heard him use words like "cock" and "fuck" before. I guess I bring out the worst in people. I know I bring out the worst in myself.

"I'm sorry," I gasped out between sobs. "I'm so (sob) sorry."

Ducky sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. He didn't apologize, or even accept my apology. However, not just staring at me cry was an improvement.

I calmed down again and looked at Ducky. "Am I really victim or did I do this to myself? Did I really let this happen?"

"Sunny, you're independent," he replied. "You don't let people boss you around, you do what you want to do when you want to. You don't let the thought of people thinking you're weird stop you from what you want to do. You did everything on your own. You didn't let it happen, you made it happen."

I could feel the tears building up again.

"That doesn't make it right. He's an adult, he's your teacher, he should have known better. He shouldn't have responded to your advances in the first place. He's a pervert and should be in jail."

Somehow, that made me feel better. I wasn't totally off the hook in Ducky's book, but I was at least only getting half blame. I could deal with that.

"Ducky," I said. "I'll tell Dad and I'll report Lew. On one condition."

"What is it?"

"That you report those bullies to the school."

Ducky's face looked like he was going to protest, but then he nodded. "All right. First thing after you tell your dad."

I wasn't going to get away with anything. But at least he realized how important this was to me.

4/13

Yesterday I told Dad. Well, I was forced by Ducky to tell him. I'm not going to go over the details. I don't feel like reliving it now, or reliving it later when I reread this journal. Let's just say, for my memory's sake that Dad is angry, actually threatened violence against Lew (I have never heard my peace loving, war protesting father threaten violence against ANYONE), and called the cops.

Highlights? Dad wasn't that upset by the fact that I was having sex. Or maybe he was just shocked? Maybe he was just relieved that I wasn't pregnant (his first jump to conclusion while I stammered over my words). He didn't even seemed too overwhelmed by the information that the guy is ten years older than me, though his face was probably shocked or something, since I was staring at the floor the entire time. However, when I mentioned that Lew was my bio teacher? HIT. THE. ROOF.

So much for not reliving it.

Anyway, after that, we went to the police station, and they were like, "We can't do much without proof. It's your word against his," blah, blah, blah. I pulled the photos out of my purse (NOT when Dad was around) and you would have thought those cops were kids in a candy shop. I really feel good about my choice. They really want to take Lew out.

I just lied in my own journal.

I don't feel good.

I feel like shit. I feel lousy.

All the right reasons, right? Then why do I feel like crap?

I've done all the right moves. I told Ducky. I told Dad. We told the cops. I've confessed. But I had one last confession to go.

This morning I went to school. I felt like an outsider. I went early. There was hardly anyone there. I went to the bio room. The door was open, so I did that awkward knocking thing people do on open doors.

Lew looked up. "Sunny! Where have you been?"

I went in and closed the door. "Avoiding you," I replied.

"Why?"

I didn't answer his question. "I just came in today to tell you that at some point later, the police are going to come and arrest you. I don't know if I feel bad for you or something, going to rot in jail or what, but I just thought you should know."

"The police? What are you talking about?" Lew stood up.

"I told our little secret," I said. I looked away from his face and down at the desk. He was grading papers. We had sex on that desk before.

"Even if you did, no one's going to believe you. It's your word against mine. You're just a spoiled girl looking for Daddy's attention."

"You're right, I am just looking for attention." I looked back up at him. "But there's all those times we went away together. Receipts, proof."

"Winnie will cover for me. All she has to say is that she was with me, and you'll be run out of this school." His voice had grown cold. He didn't seemed to believe me, but he went on. "Don't you see, Sunny? I'm respected here, and nothing you're going to say is going to change that. We'll just all go on like we did before."

"Right. Speaking of Winnie, that night the three of us were all together, and she took all those photos-"

"I burned them."

"I'll bet you did," I said. I reached into my back pocket. There was one that I hadn't given to the police. I pulled it out and waved it in his face. "But you didn't get this one."

"Give me that!" Lew lunged over the desk. He then went around the desk and grabbed it out of my hand. He tried to rip it into shreds, but Polaroids don't really rip that well. "I'm going to burn this one too."

"Go right ahead, I know I never want to see it again," I said. "But it's not going to change the fact that there are four others in a folder at the police station. You can see my face, your face, and Winnie's."

"You're lying. You're a lying little manipulative bitch." He was standing really close to me now. He grabbed my wrist. I pulled away.

"Maybe. But it's not going to look good, Lew. My mom died just over a year ago and I almost failed the eighth grade. I've gotten A's in bio all year long because I fucked the teacher. I was emotionally fragile, worried about my grades, still broken hearted over my mother's death, and you took advantage of that."

"That's not true!" he snapped. "You wanted it as much as I did. You pursued me first. Anyone who knows you will know you're a little slut. The entire school knows it. You would have done anything for me. The only reason you got those A's is because you're so tight." He grabbed my wrist again, this time holding on tighter. It really hurt.

I looked him in the eyes. Those eyes, at that moment, filled with hate, but still beautiful. "You're probably right. I probably am a slut, and I probably wanted it as much as you did. And maybe I could care less about my grades and my dead mom, but none of that matters, Lew. Because I'm fifteen, you're twenty-five, and you fucked me."

He dropped my wrist and stared at me. The reality of what I said seemed to sink in. "You're lying," he said.

"Fine," I said. "Don't worry." I paused before I left. "Oh, and why didn't you tell me Lewis was your middle name? Because your first name is Archibald?" Then I went to homeroom and sat there until school started. Around 10:30, between classes, the police came in and arrested Lew. No one knows what he did, but the rumors were flying. They probably would for some time.

No one guessed. They would. When it started showing in the papers and was on the news. I don't know how big it would get. Anytime I've ever heard of teacher/student anythings, it's been national. I didn't want anyone to ever know.

Ducky reported the bullies. I was with him when he did.

Dad yelled at me for going to school. It was weird. Not only being yelled at for GOING to school, but being yelled at in general. He didn't want me there until after Lew was gone. But oh well. Its too late now.

My life is about to get really hard. Harder than it was before. Harder than it's ever been.

I know how I am when life gets hard. I hope I can handle it. 


	36. Chapter Thirty Six: Justin

Chapter Thirty-Six: Justin 

April the twenty-second. Saturday.

Mom called me on Thursday. She called to wished me happy birthday. Wouldn't be so bad if my birthday was Thursday and not the 15th. Either way, she wanted to meet me for dinner to talk about signing the house over to me. I didn't think that over the phone was the best time to tell her that I wasn't interested in keeping the house.

Besides, I was getting a free meal at a fancy restaurant.

I went straight home after rehearsal. I took a shower and got dressed. I pulled out my suit, since Mom had mentioned that it was a jacket-and-tie required kind of place. So, out came the ugly khaki colored suit I hate. The one I was forced to buy for that wedding two years ago.

First off, the suit was completely wrinkled. So I just turned the shower back on and let the wrinkles work themselves out in the steam. Problem solved.

Second problem, the ugly suit didn't fit. Apparently I've lost weight since then. The jacket was baggy in the shoulders and the sleeves came about halfway down my hands. The pants were practically falling off of me. I solved the pants problem by wearing a belt. However, the only belt I had was a black one. It totally didn't go with the suit.

Finally, I called Dawn.

Hello?

Dawn, what do I do if I have a suit that doesn't fit in anyway and I'm forced wearing it? I had told her about what was going on between classes earlier.

It doesn't fit? Is it too small?

Too big.

Um... no idea. Did you try a belt?

Brown suit, black belt.

Ew. Um. I'll see what my Dad has. I'll come over.

Thank you, thank you.

I figured I'd deal with the baggy coat. Pants falling off would be a lot worse. About twenty minutes later, Dawn showed up.

Wow, she said. That is an ugly suit. Don't you have anything else at all?

Nope.

Do you HAVE to wear the jacket?

Yup. Jacket and tie are dress code for the place.

Okay... well, here's the belt. She handed me a brown belt.

Oh, good, I replied. It looked okay, and the pants weren't falling off. I did feel sort of weird wearing Mr. Schafer's belt, but it was just for one night.

Dawn started laughing at me.

What? I asked.

The look on your face and the too big suit... you look so pathetic. You're like a kid going to sit at the grown-up table for the first time.

Thanks, that really helps, I said. I shook my head. I really don't know what I'm doing here. I'm going to end up just making an idiot of myself. And I'll be wearing a bad suit while I'm at it.

You'll be fine, she said, straightening my tie. It's a free meal, you just have to sit there, tell her she can have the house, eat dessert, and come back.

I should take the house, I said. Take it and then sell it.

That's horrible! Dawn replied. She was laughing. You should totally do that.

You have become very vengeful these past few months. I don't even know you anymore. What happened to Tekken causes war girl?

I'm working on being passive aggressive. Rather than openly showing my anger outside a 7-11.

Good plan. Should I really take the house?

It's up to you, she replied.

Gee, thanks.

When do you have to be there?

Seven.

Where are you going?

Some schmancy place in LA.

LA? You should probably get going.

I checked my watch. You're right. I'll drop you off first.

I drove Dawn over to her house.

Call me when you get home to tell me how it went, she said. Good or bad, got that?

I nodded. No problem.

She leaned over and gave me a hug. Good luck.

I'll need it, I replied. She got out and I waited until she was in the house before I pulled away. It's a habit to make sure people I'm dropping off get inside. Like they're going to get mugged three feet away from their front door.

I drove out to LA, and went inside. I have never before been in anywhere this pompous in my life. It was all lowly lit and the waiters (wannabe actors for sure) all talked with fake British accents. I swear, I wanted to start laughing then. However, I just went up to the host and asked for the Randall party.

This was the beginning of the disaster.

I was led to a table in the middle of the restaurant. Mom was sitting there. She looked nice, not all stressed out like I'm using to seeing her. She was wearing a pale purple suit, which gave me the impression that she had just left the office. Not surprisingly.

What surprised me was the guy sitting with her. He was wearing a suit. It was almost sad looking, because he looked like he was fifteen.

Instead of greeting Mom like a normal person, I was rude. Who's this?

Justin, she said, smiling, reminding me of a flight attendant, with a fake perkiness. Don't be rude.

Like she has ANY right to act like a parent to me. I hate the feeling that she's just doing it when it looks good. She's done it for years.

Sorry, I said almost automatically. I sat down across from them. I reached my hand across the table. I'm Justin.

The guy smiled. I'm Kenny Masterson.

Nice to meet you, I replied. I was still pretty clueless to why this guy was here. I shot a puzzled look to Mom.

Kenny's my boyfriend, she said.

I couldn't help it. I laughed. Then I clapped my hand over my mouth. When I felt like I could release it, I did. Your... boyfriend? Mom, he's like fifteen.

I'm twenty-three, Kenny said.

Yeah, you look like you'd be dating me, not my mom.

Kenny's mouth opened, like he wasn't sure if I was implying something else about his age, or if I was implying something about his sexuality. In the end, he didn't say anything.

Justin! Mom exclaimed in this "mom" tone that sounded like nothing I had ever heard her use in my life. Even before everything fell apart.

I had a moment of ESP. I don't really believe in ESP, but for a split second, I knew what was going to happen. I could already see where this was going. I could tell it was going to end in something horrible, so I might as well keep up the humor. I shrugged and smiled.

Sorry, Mom, I like the boys.

Oh, Justin, she said, like I was kidding, but then she paused. Really?

Yeah, really, actually. I dated a guy for about five months. I hope I liked guys considering all the shit we did. And I learned a lot about myself, you know, self discovery. I have like the least sensitive gag reflex ever. It turns out I can take in like five-

Don't be crude. We're at dinner. She sounded like an over-worried mother, but the look in her eyes was lethal. At that moment, I couldn't really care less, though. I don't know if it was that she was dating someone two years older than her oldest son, or her trying to act all mom-ish after all this time, but I didn't care what she thought. I didn't care if this went well. House or not, I was leaving Palo City in the next few months and I wouldn't have to see her ever again if I didn't want to.

After this dinner, even if I wanted to, I don't think I would.

Our fake British waiter came over and Mom ordered a shrimp cocktail appetizer. Kenny hadn't said a word since he told us his age. And neither one of us had indicated that we wanted shrimp.

I reached across the table and tapped his hand (that he retracted quickly to his lap, the homophobe). Guess I can tell who wears the pants in this relationship.

It seems that Kenny thought I was making another comment about his sexuality, because he replied, I'm not like that.

How I didn't laugh, I don't know. It shouldn't be funny, obviously Kenny's confused about his sexuality (does dating a woman old enough to be his mother have something to do with this? I don't know), because anything I said he took as some kind of comment about it. I felt sort of bad for the guy. But that really didn't stop me.

The shrimp arrived and I hadn't said anything that was offensive enough to earn an Oh, Justin! in a shocked voice.

This is nice, Mom said.

What is? I asked.

Us, sitting together like civilized adults.

I've been eighteen for five days. I don't really feel like an adult.

Well, you are.

Finally, right? I asked. You probably couldn't wait for me to hit eighteen so I'd be out of your hair. You don't have worry about child service's or something finding out that you left your minor son practically alone for the past two years.

Not in so many words, she admitted.

I rolled my eyes. I then proceeded to order steak and lobster. The waiter gave me a funny look. I planned to eat the steak there and take the lobster home for Dawn. She'd eat it with me. Especially if it was out of being passive aggressive.

Mom didn't bat an eye. Kenny, however, gaped.

I ordered side orders for both. Baked potatoes, creamed spinach, and extra butter for that lobster. I ordered fancy sparkling water. I probably just spent seventy dollars in fancy food. Probably more.

Was I being immature? Yes. Did I really care? Not at all.

Dinner arrived (my steak was here now, the lobster I asked for later) without any incident. Kenny didn't talk. Mom and I made forced small talk. I talked about the play (I mentioned that it's opening next weekend, but I don't think it registered. And if it did, she wasn't going to show up. Not after what happened). She talked about work. Kenny drank three glasses of wine.

So how are things in your life, Justin? Mom took a delicate bite of her chicken.

They're okay, I replied.

Girlfriend? Or... I guess, boyfriend?

None of the above.

Well, you're a senior this year. Prom's coming up.

I'm really busy with the play right now. You know Dad and Wendy are bringing the kids down to see it. They're driving all the way from Oakland, can you believe that? Mike and Veronica would come, but he's so paranoid about going anywhere further than work right now. There's only a month left until Veronica's due.

Who's Veronica? Mom asked.

Mike's girlfriend. They're having a baby. Well, two babies. They're having twins. Due next month. But you wouldn't know that you're a month away from being a grandmother, because you're too caught up in your own issues. I'm planning on visiting them on my way up to San Fransisco this summer.

Mom stared at me. She had no idea of anything that I had been talking about.

You wouldn't know, though, I said again. Like you wouldn't know anything about my life. You certainly wouldn't know anything about Mike's. But I'm looking forward to being an uncle. I'm loving being a big brother. I can't wait until I'm living up there and I'll get to see Erin and Annie all the time.

Rude of me to go on about Dad's step kids? Oh yes.

Living up where? Mom asked.

San Francisco, I replied. I'm going to college there in the fall.

So you don't want the house?

My jaw dropped. I started laughing. I couldn't help it. I was laughing out loud. People in the surrounding tables were staring. Snooty fake British waiter came over and asked if everything was all right. I was doubled over, tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard.

Justin! JUSTIN! Mom hissed in this loud whisper.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I said, once I gained control of my voice. I just went on and on about my life and the things happening in it, and all you get out of it is that I don't want your stupid house? How can you be so cold? How can you not care? I'm your son. I was stuck in that huge, empty house all alone, all the time. I can't sleep in that damn house. And I'm not just blaming you. It's a little bit of everything, but I'm sitting here and you still don't care.

Mom looked shocked. Snooty waiter was staring at me. Kenny was downing another glass of wine.

I'll never understand you, I said. I'll never understand how I got shit from you just because I was the one stuck there.

Shit from me? she asked. She was getting angry. Who paid for your car? Who paid for your bills? Why didn't you have to work all summer like every other kid your age?

Let's stop for a moment and note that twenty minutes ago, I was an adult whether I liked it or not, but now I was a kid.

Do you really think that mattered? I asked. A year ago, I would have traded everything to have you back in my life. I would have traded the car and the money, for all of it. But now I know that's all you had to offer me.

She sputtered out the beginnings of a few sentences, but didn't complete any of them.

Keep your fucking house, Mother. Burn it down for all I care. I'll be out by the end of June. I stood up and turned to Snooty Waiter. I'd like my lobster the rest of my steak in a box, oh, and two orders of whatever your best dessert is. On her tab.

He nodded and hurried off.

I was almost ready to walk away from the table and go wait for my boxes of food, but before I did, I looked at the table. Mom was sitting with her face in her hands. She was crying. I hated the empty hole inside of me that felt nothing, watching my mother cry.

But I couldn't make myself feel anything. I couldn't make myself care. And, really, I didn't feel guilty. There wasn't much to feel at all.

So I walked away.

I waited by the door until Snooty Waiter brought me my food. I left. I did, however, give him the ten dollar bill that I had in my wallet. He put up with a lot. I hope Mom tipped him well too.

He gave me his number.

I went out to my car and laughed until I cried again. Then I just cried.

Finally, I left and drove back to Palo City. Instead of going home, I went to Dawn's. I called her.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey, Justin. How'd it go? I thought you'd be later.

Yeah, I left early. Can I come over?

Sure. I could practically see her tossing her hair casually over her shoulder. Maybe sitting at her desk doing homework. Or writing in her journal.

Okay, good, because I'm in your driveway.

She laughed. Well, come in!

We hung up and I gathered up my bags of food. Just as I got to the door, she opened it.

What's all this? she asked, looking at the bags.

Dinner. I was being passive aggressive. Do you like lobster?

Dawn and I ate the lobster. Carol came in and had some too. I didn't even open the box I knew had my leftover steak in it. I got away with lobster, but bringing steak into Dawn's house would leave me dead.

Over dessert (I have no idea what it was, some kind of cake thing with whipped cream on it. It was delicious. I had mine to myself and Dawn split her's with Carol. After eating meat, even seafood, too much refined sugar would probably kill her anyway) I told Dawn and Carol what happened. They both gasped at the right moments, and Carol, who may be an adult, but has the ability to understand teenage thoughts, said that I wasn't wrong in what I said, and especially how I felt, but that maybe the timing was a little off.

I agreed.

It doesn't really matter, I said.

Sure it does, Carol said. She's your mother. She's been completely wrong for a long time. You shouldn't have to be treated this way. I'm glad you stood up for yourself to her.

It felt nice to have someone's blessing.

Saturday. April twenty-second. Later.

Today was the last band practice I'll be attending. I'm out. I'm done. I'm over.

Well, so is everyone else, I'm sure. My leaving Vanish isn't the first thing that began the downfall. We've been dying for a while now. I say "leaving." I mean royally kicked out.

I don't know what kind of drugs they give you when you've had the clap, but Rico must still be on them. His power trip is unbelievable. I don't know how much longer everyone else is going to put up with it. He and Bruce don't talk. Maggie shows up for practice, shows up for gigs, and then she leaves. She doesn't socialize with anyone.

When I arrived late for practice (I stayed the night at Dawn's on the couch in their living room) Rico jumped all over me.

Why are you late?

I overslept. I wasn't home and-

We have a gig next Saturday.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do! We need to work, you've hardly been here in the past couple of months. You're so wrapped up in that damn school play. That doesn't mean anything! This is important, this is the rest of our lives.

This is a high school band! I said. And we don't have a gig next Saturday. I've got a show.

What?

The play? It's the next two weekends.

You didn't tell us that!

Yes, I did! I told you that when I auditioned. And if you haven't noticed, it's on posters all over school.

Justin, you need to get your priorities straight, Rico said.

Uh-huh. I will. Really, I don't know why I stayed this long. Amalia had the right idea. You guys are too much. Especially you, Rico. I don't know what happened to you. You can't expect so much of people. You're just like James.

Rico looked shocked and offended. And rightfully so. Maggie, as strung out as she looked, gasped. Bruce's eyes bugged out, and Patti dropped her drumsticks.

Considering everything I said to my mom the night before, that's probably the worst insult I've ever paid anyone in my life. To say that he was like the guy who was abusive to Amalia and spat in my face. Maybe it was an exaggeration. But at that moment it didn't feel like it.

Rico, I don't know what happened to you, I said. You've changed, and it's not good. Look at us. We can hardly stand to be in the same room during the hours we practice. You're humping every Asian girl in Palo City because you can't hump Claudia, and Maggie looks like she's on drugs. Bruce and Patti are still normal, but who knows how much longer it would last. Your controlling has to end. I probably can't help after everything I just said, so I'm just going to go.

I looked at Bruce and Patti. Sorry, guys.

I picked up my guitar case and left. Rico called me a quitter. I ignored him.

I was shedding my life in Palo City. I'm getting ready for my new life.

Really, now, there's just one thing holding me back.


	37. Chapter Thirty Seven: Ducky

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Ducky 

4/22

You're not sure, but you don't think you've had that much fun in a while. It was a relaxing night for once. It was a time to take your mind off of everything that's been going on.

Today at school, Kevin finds you in the hall after last period.

"Are you coming tonight?" he asks

"To what?"

"The play! Bye, Bye, Birdie!"

"Oh, I hadn't really thought about it." That was the truth. You've been so wrapped up in Sunny for the past couple of weeks, that most everything else has taken a place on the back burner. You've missed the past couple of GSA meetings, though Alex and Amalia have been going.

"Oh... okay. I guess that's a no, then?" Kevin takes a step back from you.

"No, I mean... I want to go. I've just been dealing a lot with Sunny lately. Not dealing, I... it's hard to explain."

"I've heard the rumors," he says, "and true or not, she needs a friend. I get it."

The rumors, of course, are completely true, but you don't say anything. You haven't told a soul about Sunny and Mr. Rutherford. It was on the news that he was arrested for sleeping with a student, but no one ever said who. Everyone just guessed right. You sigh. "I want to go. In fact, I'll be there."

"Why don't you bring Sunny along? Bring Alex and Amalia. And who's that other friend of yours? Dawn? The one who's friends with Justin."

"Yeah, Dawn."

"I'm sure she's going. Why don't you guys do a group thing?"

"And you're going, right?" you ask.

"I'll be there. I'm selling tickets before the show. Get back to me before six, and I can hold as many tickets as you need."

"I'll talk to everyone," you promise. "And don't forget to save a seat for yourself."

"Next to you," he replies.

"You bet."

Kevin grabs your hand and holds it for a moment. "For a minute there I had the totally me-centered thought that you were avoiding me. For whatever reason."

"No, just busy."

"Ducky, you seem to just sacrifice yourself all the time. I think relaxing could do you some good. Have some fun. Enjoy being young instead of needing to be so old."

"You think I'm old?" you ask, pretending to be insulted.

"You look great for seventeen to me," he replies. He grins.

You fight the overwhelming urge to kiss him there in the halls, but don't for one reason, and for once it's not because of who might be watching. You're still not sure where this is going, where Kevin thinks it's going, and you're too much of a chicken to make a first move.

Besides, kissing him when he thinks you've been avoiding him might seem like overkill? Even if that wasn't the reason? You have no idea.

Kevin has no problem giving you a quick kiss on the cheek before he runs off to check on final arrangements. You don't mind at all. You love it when he does that.

You meet Sunny and Amalia out by your car. They're talking and as you walk up you can hear their conversation.

"...know why he does this to himself," Sunny says. "You know he wants to jump his bones."

Amalia laughs. "I can see why they want to take it slowly, though."

"I guess. And I'm not one to give out relationship advice, and I haven't seen them together-"

"It's totally sparky."

"I figured. When Ducky talks about him, he lights up, and it's like he never wants to shut up. Whenever he talked about Justin, it was like he was talking about something embarrassing or something."

"You're right. But do you think he could be this way with Kevin if he hadn't gone through what he had with Justin?" Amalia asks.

"Probably not," you say. Both girls jump and spin around.

"Hi, Ducky!" Sunny says, looking sheepish.

Amalia doesn't meet your eyes. However, she smiles. "Hey, Ducky."

"Are you two gossiping about me?" you ask.

"Just with each other. No one else," Sunny says.

You roll your eyes. "That's okay, I guess."

"Are we ready to go?" Amalia asks.

"No... there's Alex." You point to him walking outside the school. He's talking to someone (Macon, you think, but you never did ask him). He looks up and waves, giving you a "just a minute" finger. You wave back to show you saw.

"You guys working?" Sunny asks.

"Alex and I are," Amalia says.

"When do you guys get off?" you ask.

"Six-thirty."

"Want to come to the play tonight? Kevin'll hold tickets for us."

"Yeah, sure," Amalia says. "I know I want to be there."

"Sunny?" you ask.

"If you're going, then sure," she says. "I don't think I'd be allowed out without you anyway."

You nod. As much as Sunny complains about her dad's new rules, you're under the impression that she likes it. You know that you're liking it because you get to be Sunny's friend and not her father anymore.

You're glad Mr. W. never found out that you lied to him about where Sunny was that weekend. That was one of the details that got left out of the story. You probably would have been fired and never allowed to see Sunny. And she was aware of that.

Alex jogs over. "What'd I miss?"

"Sunny and Amalia gossiping about me," you reply.

"Just with each other!" Sunny insists again.

"So that means I missed something good," Alex says. "Crap! I always miss the good stuff."

"Let's go," you say. "Alex, are you ever going to learn how to drive yourself?"

"Me? Why, when I've got you?"

"Let's go," you say again, rolling your eyes, but you're laughing. "Want to go to the show tonight? Kevin's holding tickets for anyone I want to invite."

"Why not?" Alex climbs into the back seat next to Amalia, letting Sunny sit up front with you. "Count me in."

You drop Alex and Amalia off at the store and you take Sunny home.

"Want to come in?" she asks, picking her backpack off of the floor.

"Is your dad home?" you ask.

"You better believe it. He's home everyday to make sure that I'M home. You'd think once You-Know-You was in jail, he'd be all over this."

"Sunny, you know that's not true."

"Okay, fine, I just had to be rude about Dad's new paranoia. I don't know what's going to become of me, Ducky. He's going to do something, I can feel it, but I don't know what it is. I haven't been punished, unless you count strict curfews and calling every hour."

"That's not the end of the world."

"Yeah... this summer is going to be a killer. I mean, do you think I'm going to have to testify or something? Will there be a trial, or can they just sentence him on what's there? Oh, did you hear they arrested Winnie too? Perverts behind bars, all good. But I'm just going to end up a big show. Everyone knows already, that's not a big deal."

You sigh. "I don't know what to tell you."

"That it's going to be okay and Dad isn't going to send me away to some Catholic school or something."

"It's going to be okay."

"That's not helpful without the second part," she says.

"I won't lie to you."

"Let's go in." She gets out of the car. Sunny doesn't like to hear what she doesn't want to hear.

We go inside. As she said, Mr. W is sitting in the kitchen. He's working on what looks like billing rotations for the store (you can see your paycheck sitting there, that you're not getting until tomorrow). He looks up and smiles.

"Hey, Sunny. Christopher."

"Hi, Dad," Sunny says in this tone like she's said hi to her father more times than she ever wanted to in her life. "Hey, we're going to go the play at the school tonight. A friend of ours is in it. Ducky's boyfriend is holding-"

"Kevin's not my boyfriend," you say.

"Whatever," she says, not believing me. "Might as well be. Ducky's should-be, maybe, sort of, kinda boyfriend is going to hold tickets for us so a group can go. I just though I should let you know before I say yes or no."

"What play?" Mr. W asks.

"Bye, Bye Birdie," you reply, since you're not sure if Sunny has been paying enough attention to know.

"Who else is going?" He looks pointedly at Sunny so you won't reply again.

"Uhhh, Amalia, Alex, Dawn, I think is coming with us. Oh, and Ducky of course. What about Maggie?" Sunny looks at me.

"Have you talked to Maggie lately?" you ask.

"Nope."

"Me either."

"When's the play over?" Mr. W asks.

"Well, it starts at seven, I think-" Sunny starts.

"Seven-thirty," you say.

"Right. Seven-thirty. So, two hours, fifteen minute intermission... you know."

"Going anywhere afterward?"

"Maybe out to eat," you say. You hadn't thought about that, but it sounds good. You know that Sunny would want to be out as long as possible.

"I'll call you when the play's out, and I'll tell you if we decide to eat," Sunny says. You have to admit, she's good. She's already figured out the ways to get what she wants under these new rules.

"All right," Mr. W gives you a look that clearly says "watch out for her." You nod.

You and Sunny go upstairs to her room.

"That's my life now," she says. "Questions, questions, questions."

"I think it's called parenting, but I couldn't be sure," you say. "Didn't your mom want to know where you were going and who'd you be with when she was alive?"

"Alive and fit to parent? Sure. But I wasn't doing anything that was questionable. I was a good kid. Now I'm a... oh, you don't like me to use that word."

You sigh. "But it's not like you're doing anything like that now. Right?"

"Right," she says a little too quickly.

"Sunny..."

"I'm not having anymore sex. Done. Until I get a boyfriend or something. And a legal one."

"Sunny, please don't make me worry about you."

"On this subject, I talked to our lawyer, who is outraged, by the way, and he said that I should bring in my journal for dates and times. But... I don't want anyone reading my journal. And couldn't I just be making everything up and writing it down? Not that I AM, but it seems pointless."

"Did he say you had to?"

"No, but then I wouldn't get dates confused and make it look like I was making everything up."

You frown. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." She starts pulling books out of her backpack. "I'm going to do some homework."

"I'm going to call Dawn and see if she wants to come with us. Then I'll call Kevin."

"Why don't you call Maggie too?" Sunny asks.

You nod. "Good idea."

You call Dawn and she's all for sitting with us. You call Maggie, but all you get is her voice mail. You try again, but just the voice mail again. You don't bother leaving a message, since you need to call Kevin as soon as possible.

You call Kevin and tell him, and he says he'll save you some good tickets.

"Should I feel weird around Dawn?" Sunny asks. "I mean... am I going to get some sort of "I knew you'd end up screwed" look all night? Or is... I mean, she used to be my best friend and-"

"Used to be?"

"Ducky, I haven't really talked to her since that crappy party we went to back in December. Where I got drunk and spent the night at Christian's?"

You pause. "Sunny, you didn't-"

"Oh, god no! I didn't do anything! I passed out. But I was drunk, so she yelled at me and we sort... snapped."

"I don't think it'll be weird. I haven't really hung out with her recently. She's been hanging out with Justin lately. And I know she broke up with Christian, and that's pretty much all the details I've got."

Sunny frowns. "I guess I'll just have to wait and see."

You nod.

4/23

At six-thirty, almost on the dot, Alex calls you.

"Come pick us up! We want to go see a play!"

"Learn to drive, will you?" you reply.

"I've got an outdated learner's permit. If I get my shrink to tell me that driving is bad for my mental health, will you get off my back?"

"No."

"Damn. Well-"

"Ducky? I just grabbed the phone from him." It's Amalia. "Would you please come get us? Julie just got here. Like it wasn't bad for Mark got here at five for the rush, but now it's slow again and Julie is trying to teach us how to knit potholders."

"I'll be there," you reply, laughing. You hang up and look at Sunny. "Ready to go?"

She finishes a sentence on her paper and looks up. "Let's go."

You pick up Amalia and Alex and drive to the school. There isn't much of a line yet, and you wait until your turn. Kevin and a girl you don't know are selling tickets.

"Hey," you say.

Kevin grins and stands up. He leans over the table and kisses your cheek. "Hey. I got your tickets. Fourth row, center. You guys have fantastic seats."

You reach for your wallet, but Kevin slaps at your hand. "On me, hon."

"Thanks." You feel your stomach flip over as Kevin hands you the tickets. His fingers brush yours. You blush.

"I'll be in about ten or fifteen minutes into the show," he says. "So stragglers can get tickets too, you know."

"I'll save you a seat next to me," you say.

"You better." He sits back down. You walk back over to Alex, Sunny, and Amalia. They're all grinning at you.

"What?"

"Oh, god, you guys just need to make out already," Sunny says.

"Cut the tension with a knife!" Amalia exclaims.

"Ha, ha, not funny," you say.

Alex claps a hand on your shoulder. "We're not being funny."

Dawn meets us and we go in and sit down. On your way into the auditorium, you pause. You hear the girl selling tickets talking to Kevin.

"Honey, why don't you just suck his face already? Or whatever else you feel like sucking."

"We're taking it slow," Kevin says.

"If you take it much slower you'll be going backwards!"

He sort of laughs. "I'm just... not rushing him. Believe me, I want to jump him, but I'm sort of stepping back and letting him make the moves. Or at least I do what I can. It's like he doesn't know that it's okay to make moves. So if we haven't gotten anywhere by prom, he's just going to have to deal with me licking every inch of his body."

She laughs. "He really is the luckiest guy on Earth."

You didn't hear Kevin's response. Sunny was pushing you into the auditorium. From the look on her face, she overheard the conversation too.

We sit down and Sunny grins at you.

"Don't say anything," you say.

"Me? Say something?"

Like he said, right near the beginning of the show, Kevin sneaks in and sits next to you. You take his hand. You can see him smiling by the stage lights.

The show is fantastic. Justin is great. Everyone is great. And at the end when he shows up at the train station dressed as Albert's mother, the audience about dies. It is so funny. At the curtain call, Dawn runs up to the front and gives Justin flowers.

All of you stand out in front of the school until Justin comes out. It becomes a huge compliment fest. He scoops Dawn up in a hug. She laughs.

"Hey," Sunny says loudly, "can we go out to eat? I'm starved and I don't want to go home."

"How about the Fiesta Grill?" Dawn asks. Everyone agrees, so we pile into two cars. Sure, we could walk over, but it's dark out, it's after ten. Sunny calls her dad and we all shout that we're here so he knows that she's not out with some random guy.

You drive Kevin, Sunny, and Alex. Justin drives Dawn and Amalia.

"Isn't there a cast party or something?" Sunny asks from the back seat where she's sitting with Alex. "I mean, did Justin sacrifice a party to hang out with us? Or... Dawn, more like it. Is something going on there with them?"

"Cast party's closing night," Kevin says. "And who knows about Dawn and Justin. They ARE always together."

"I should ask Amalia," Sunny says.

"Why don't you ask Dawn and Justin?" Alex asks. "You could save yourself a lot of detective work that way."

"Oh, holy voice of reason," she replies. She sticks her tongue out at him.

"Don't stick your tongue out at me," he replies. "Or I might think you're hitting on me... oh, wait, no I'm under twenty, never mind, I'm safe."

She stares at him for a moment, her jaw dropped. Then she laughs and hits him. "Shut up! That's horrible to say about me."

"And totally not true, right?"

"Of course not. I'd never screw a teacher. Oh wait, yeah I did. I just wish the news would stop making it out like he raped me under his desk or something. It wasn't all that bad." Sunny waved a hand like she hadn't been bawling her eyes out when she confessed the truth to you.

"No, he just made you have sex with his sister while he took pictures," you snap.

You can see her staring at you in the review. "I can't believe you said that! Even if it was all that bad, there are worse things in the world." She's doing the joking thing that Alex does when he talks about his suicide attempt.

You sigh. Kevin reaches over and squeezes your knee. You look over and he gives you a sympathetic look. You've been parked for about a minute.

Dawn knocks on your window. "Come on!" she shouts.

We all go in. We get one of those big circle booths. The seven of us smush in and we shout back and forth orders for appetizers and drinks.

You're sitting in the middle of the booth. On one side of you is Kevin, then Dawn, then Justin. On your other side is Sunny, Amalia, then Alex. Everyone is being loud and talking. You feel yourself relax.

Your food arrives, and everyone is eating a talking and having a good time. Sunny pokes you in the ribs.

"Huh?" you say, your mouth full of nachos.

She points over at Alex and Amalia. You look over. They're laughing about something, and sort of fighting over the last potato skin, and that's all normal, except that Alex has his arm around Amalia's shoulders and she's sort of leaning against him.

You look back at Sunny. She shrugs.

"I though you could tell me something about it," she says in a low voice.

"This is new."

She nods. "I thought it was sort of interesting."

"I'll drop you off first," you say. She nods again.

You're then distracted when Kevin offers you the last of the nachos.

Dawn stands up (well, gets on her knees in the booth). "I would like to Justin, our very own Conrad Birdie!"

Everyone applauds and Justin pretends to be embarrassed.

Dawn pulls the bright orange program out of her pocket. "Now I'm going to read something from this blinding program provided by the student activities-"

"I did not choose that ugly thing!" Kevin shouts. "Stupid seniors did!"

She laughs. "We believe you, we do. This is what Justin wrote to his fans, because he's a senior and gets like a hundred words to say something. 'Justin Randall - Conrad Birdie. Justin, seen in last fall's production of The Glass Menagerie and member of local band Vanish that performed last year's homecoming, would like to thank his friends Amalia, Bruce, Patti, Ducky, and Dawn, her family, his father, step-mother, and step-sisters, Annie and Erin for supporting him. He'd also like to mention that Pac-Man eats only fruits and lard, completing his duty of adding an in-joke.'"

We all applaud again. Dawn sits back down.

"You wrote that?" Amalia asks.

Justin shakes his head. "Nope." He points to Dawn.

"Is that why you thanked her family?" Sunny asks. "Because Dawn wrote it."

"No, no, that was me," he says. "But, Dawn, tell them."

"We spent an afternoon trying to get this damn thing out. We're idiots when it comes to writing anything. Finally, I ended up calling my friend Mallory, who's a writer. Justin gave her like a list of names and the in-joke, and she called us back about twenty minutes later with that and it was perfect."

"I just added Erin and Annie in by name," Justin says. "I knew they'd want to see their names in print."

"Were they here tonight?" you ask.

"Oh, no, they'll be here next week. And that was written before I left Vanish. But I was already pissed at Rico, so he didn't get mentioned."

We stayed for another round of ice tea and soda, before it was after eleven-thirty and it was time to go. Justin takes Dawn and Amalia. You drive back to the school to drop Kevin off at his car.

You get out and walk him over to his car.

"I'm glad you came out with us," you say.

"I like your friends," Kevin replies. "They're easy to be around."

"We should hang out with your friends sometimes. Maybe end up in one big group."

"That'd be fantastic. It's a small group, a lot of the GSA kids you already know. But it would be fun, maybe we should have like a party or something. It would be-"

You cut Kevin off by kissing him. You swoop down, put one hand down on his neck and kiss him flat on the mouth. He sort of pauses in surprise and kisses you back. It lasts, oh, thirty seconds? Maybe it's shorter. Maybe it's longer. You sort of lose track of time.

You pull away. Kevin opens his eyes.

"Wow," he says. "We have got to do that again sometime."

You laugh. "Good."

Kevin gets in his car and you go back to yours. You blush as Sunny and Alex start going "Whoooo!" at you. You drop Sunny off. Then you drive to Alex's, pull in the driveway, and stop the car.

"Uh oh," Alex says.

"I just want to know if you're... into Amalia," you say.

"Why? Are you?"

"Come on, just answer the question. I'm curious."

"Yeah, I am. But I'm not going to do anything about it. And not just because of what my doctor's say, because I don't think any of the things that concerns would even come into play in a relationship with her."

"What do you mean?"

"Rejection. Persuasion. Sexual relationships. Anytime soon? Not something I'd have to even really worry about. And maybe that's why I like her. It would simple and innocent. But..."

"What?"

He rubs his first two fingers against his lips for a moment. Then he faces you. "I don't want to be Amalia's next charity case. It's bad enough being yours."

"What do you mean?"

"It's like 'Oh, my boyfriends dad has cancer, let me spend every waking minute there.' Or 'Oh, the band needs me to fix all of their problems.' And I get it, she likes to help people and feel needed. But keeping me alive isn't her job, and I don't want her to think it is. I'm afraid that if we were to get involved, we wouldn't be dating, or anything. She'd just be hanging around to make sure I wasn't dead. If I go out with anyone, I want it to be for a good reason, and not just because I tried to commit suicide that one time."

"So why were you hanging all over her tonight?" you ask.

"I wasn't. We were hanging all over each other. She likes me too." He wrinkles his brow. "I don't think she knows it, though."

"Okay..."

"So, Ducky, are you into Kevin? Or did you just kiss him because he wanted you to?"

"I'm into him. He's right, though. I don't know that it's okay to make moves. It was a good prompt," you admit.

"Did he know you were eavesdropping?" Alex asks.

"You know... I don't really care."

He claps a hand on your should. "Good. Night, Ducky." He gets out of the car. You go home.

4/24

Sometimes you wonder if fights with Sunny will kill you. The two of you seem to be fighting more and more. But Sunny is fighting everything.

You go over to her house today. She called you while you were in the shower and left a voice mail telling you to come pick her up. So you get dressed and go over. You walk up to her door and ring the bell.

She opens the door, ready to go. "Hey!"

"Hi. What's going on?"

"Nothing. Fight with Dad. I told him I was going out with you. If you have plans, you can just drop me off at the mall."

"I have plans, but I'm not going to drop you off at the mall," you reply.

She rolls her eyes. "Okaaaaay. Where are you going?"

The two of you start walking out to your car. "Out with Kevin."

"No, no, no, no. I'm not butting in on your date!"

"It's not butting in if you're invited," you say.

"Kevin didn't invite me," Sunny says. "Look, don't drop me off at the mall. Drop me off at, uh... I don't know. Fuck. I don't have any friends anymore."

You hand Sunny your cell phone before you start the car. "Why don't you call Amalia? I know she's not working, and will hang out with you if she's free."

"Oh whatever came of that Amalia and Alex thing?" Sunny goes through your phone book. She doesn't wait for you to answer. She's calling Amalia. "No, it's Sunny. I'm on Ducky's phone... do you have any plans? No? Can I come and hang out? I need to get out of the house, and Ducky's got a hot date... yeah." She laughs. "Oh yeah! I'm there. Okay, so we'll be there as soon as Ducky can drive. All right. Bye."

"Good idea, no?" I say.

"Yes, good idea."

"What were you and your dad fighting about?"

"The usual stuff. How I'm running my life and how he's no use, and back and forth and back and forth." She props her feet up on the dashboard. "I'm so freaking sick of him just holding this over my head. It's over, it's done. Well, not over, I guess, but past is past. I learned my lesson, boo hoo."

"Do you really think it's over?" you ask. "Honestly?"

"Yeah, it's over. Lew is gone, I'm under house arrest ninety-five percent of the time, everyone talks about me behind my back, there are rumors about a million things I DIDN'T do, including screwing you and being so horrible that I made you gay."

"What?"

"You haven't heard that one?"

"No."

"Gross, huh? I'm just so sick of everyone judging me. Dad, kids at school, you."

"Me?"

"Yeah, all the time. Drives me up the wall." She pulls a pack of gum out of her purse and takes a piece. "I feel like I'm stuck looking over my shoulder going 'What Would Ducky Do?'" She tosses the wrapper on the floor of your car.

"I don't judge you."

"Yes, you do. You do it to everyone. You can't accept how people react to situations. I try to get over what happened to me by joking about it, and all you can do is try and make feel guilty for dealing with something how I deal with it. Just because we don't all brood like you, Ducky, doesn't mean we aren't dealing. It doesn't mean we don't care."

"I don't expect-"

"I, I, I. God! And people say I'm self centered! I'm finding it hard to believe I was able to confide in you. Ever."

You grip the steering wheel tighter. "Maybe you because you used me all the time. And that's all I was good for."

"Used you?"

"I'm your personal chauffeur and shrink."

"Whatever. If I used you, it's just because you let yourself be used. Weaker personalities will latch onto stronger ones. That's all you and I are. You latched onto me, because you wouldn't get out of bed if it wasn't me for. And I'm so sick of you telling me that everything is my fault."

"Some things ARE your fault," you snap.

"Like what? The Lew thing? All my fault? Or, what? My fault that Dawn hates me, or my dad has no idea how to raise a teenage girl, or what? What is it, Ducky? What's my fault? Everything? Pollution? War? Tell me! What is it that Ducky says is my fault now? Why he can't stand up for himself? Is that my fault too? Or maybe why you can't even use first person in your-" She stops short.

You slam on the brakes. "WHAT?"

"I didn't do it," she says quickly. Her eyes have gone from completely angry to shocked, and a little scared.

"What did you do? TELL ME!" Screaming at Sunny feels therapeutic.

"I just... looked for a second. I just wanted to know what you thought. About me. I started, and... and I couldn't stop."

"What did you read?" Luckily, no cars are coming up behind you.

"Like... some stuff from November to now," she says. "Well, like... until like a few days ago. I didn't read it all. I skimmed most of it." She's staring at her hands. You sort of wonder when this happened. She looks up at you when you start shouting again.

"What do you think gives you the right? What the hell do you think gives you the right?"

"I just wanted to know how you were judging me, Ducky. I wanted to see everything you don't say."

"If you didn't notice, I was worried sick about you! I spent four months worried out of my mind all the time about you. I put my life on hold being worried about-"

"What life? You and Justin? That was a laugh! You didn't put anything on hold. Your screwing over Christmas when you still couldn't say the word "gay" without stuttering? What a waste, all of it. Justin could have been out giving someone else a rim job, oh wait, you just weren't ready for that. When the hell are you going to grow up, Ducky? You're such a fucking joke!"

You don't reply right away. You put your head down on the steering wheel. "Get out."

"What?"

"Get the hell out of my car."

"Ducky, I..." You can hear tears in her voice.

"OUT!"

You don't look over. You can hear the door open and slam shut. You look up to see her walking around the car to the sidewalk. She's crying.

"Sunny," you say, sort of halfhearted. You don't expect to her to hear you, but she does. She spins around and flips you off. Then she keeps walking.

Needless to say, it sort of ruined your day. You go over to Kevin's, and you give him the highlights of your fight with Sunny. He holds you. You end up not going anywhere. You sit around and watch a couple movies, but you can't remember any of them.

You're feeling guilty, but not guilty enough to try and apologize.


	38. Chapter Thirty Eight: Dawn

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Dawn 

May 8th

Sunday, in my mind, has always been a day for relaxing. Friday nights are going for going out. Saturdays are for doing all the things you don't have time to do during the week, shopping trips, movies, extra chores, baby-sitting. Sundays, you sleep late, read the newspaper, you don't leave the house if you don't want to.

Today was not one of those Sundays.

Saturday night, Justin's dad and family came down to see Bye Bye Birdie. They drove here from freaking Oakland. I KNOW that was a huge boost for Justin, even though he didn't let on too much. They saw the show, Justin skipped the closing night cast party (he made an appearance, but only stayed for maybe five minutes) to go out to eat with them. They stayed the night in a hotel, and this morning, before they left, went out to breakfast with Justin. Justin invited me along.

I woke up at seven-thirty to get a shower and be ready for Justin to come pick me up at 8:15. No one else is awake, and why would they be? It's Sunday morning.

I felt a lot better after my shower, much less zombie-like. I couldn't run the hair dryer because I'd wake everyone up, so I just towel dried my hair as best I could. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and thought about how much easier my life would be if I cut my hair.

I toyed with the idea for a few minutes, just cutting it all there in the bathroom. I even had the scissors in my hand. But I stopped. I decided to get input first. I got dressed (jeans and a nice shirt. I really had no idea what Justin's family would be like, so I thought I should dress up, at least a little.) and brushed my still wet, though not dripping hair.

I went outside and promptly at 8:15 (He knows I like to be punctual), Justin pulled up to the curb. I got in the car.

"You look... damp," Justin said.

"It's Sunday morning, everyone's asleep. Turn on the heater, see if I can dry my hair with it. The hair dryer is way too loud. I'd wake up the baby and be late trying to get her to sleep again, or stuck staying home awake with her, since Dad and Carol wouldn't be too happy."

"Yeah. Just stick your head out the window. It's too hot for the heater."

"You are such a guy. That's what you'd do, isn't it? Stick your head out the window. For crying out loud." I ruffled my hair. "I should cut my hair. Then I wouldn't have to worry about this so much. I mean, it takes me twenty minutes to blow dry all of this."

"Cut how much?" Justin asked.

"I don't know. A few inches. Layer it, so it's faster to dry and take care of."

"I have to be there. I have to make sure it's not horrible. I have to stop it if it's bad."

I laughed. "So how did it go last night?"

Justin told me all about it, going out to eat. He totally seemed to light up. I didn't know why, but I started to feel a little resentful. Like, I wanted to go meet his family, but I also sort of had this feeling of not liking them even though Justin was gushing.

We arrived as the restaurant, and went inside, where any thoughts of disliking them went away. Mr. Randall (I mean Stuart. He asked me to call him by his first name. It's so weird when adults do that) is the typical dad-type, though for being middle-aged (he's maybe forty-six) and a little grey around the temples, he was really good looking. It's obvious where Justin got his looks, and if he's going to grow up to look like his dad, he's got nothing to worry about.

Mrs. Randall (Wendy) is younger, thirty-nine or so at the oldest. She's really pretty, brown hair, big friendly eyes. She's really nice too, soft spoken and patient. But she has major authority over the girls.

Erin and Annie are ADORABLE. They both have the same big brown eyes. Annie's older, and a little taller. They really are the cutest little girls. They seem really well behaved, but anytime they got a little rowdy, they listened to Wendy right away.

"It's nice to meet Justin's girlfriend," Stuart said.

"Oh, I-" I started.

"Dawn's not my girlfriend," Justin said. "We're just friends."

"I thought I... never mind." Stuart smiled.

We ordered food. I was good and didn't say a word about anyone ordering bacon (including not mentioning what bacon can do to your arteries), and not just because Justin was kicking my shin.

We talked about the play, we talked about Justin going to college, we talked about how Justin and I became friends. It was a really pleasant meal. Even with wet hair and getting up at the crack of dawn, it was totally worth it.

I said good-bye to them and waited in the car while Justin said good-bye. I didn't want to impose on their family moment.

Justin slid into the driver's side. "You didn't have to go," he said.

"I didn't want to, you know, impose."

"Would I have invited you over for breakfast if I thought you were imposing?"

"I guess not," I said.

"So now what? We're up and out. We might as well do something."

"You're right. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know."

"We should go get my haircut. It's almost ten, that's when salons open, right?"

He nodded. "I think so. Maybe not on Sundays."

We ended up going to the mall, which opened up at ten. We were like the only people, besides employees, that were there. It was kind of cool having the mall to ourselves.

While we waited for the Super Snips (or whatever it's called) to set up, we sat in one of the mall seating areas. Justin was playing with my hair, pulling it back into a ponytail, or braiding little bits of it.

"Have you ever gotten an overhauling haircut before?" he asked.

"Not since I was little," I replied. "I've just gotten maybe an inch or so taken off here and there."

"I should keep your hair and make a Dawn wig. For, you know, the Dawn shrine I'm building."

I burst out laughing. It echoed in the empty hallways of the mall. "You're building a WHAT?"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding. But I do want to save a lock. You know, for knowing you when you had the amazingly long hair. Oh god, what is your dad going to say?"

"It's my hair," I said. "I can do what I want with it. And it's not like I'm dyeing it green or something. I'm just getting it cut. And if it ends up being horrible, which it won't because you're here to stop it if it is, it'll always grow back."

"Are you going to get it like, no need for a hairbrush short?" Justin asked. He was still braiding one lock of it. I really DID have long hair.

"Nah, I was thinking, you know how girls have their hair that they pull up into those like mini-ponytails? Where it's a ponytail, but it doesn't fall down, it just goes out?"

He nodded.

"Yeah, like that. It'll be a nice summer look. Even pulling it back is sort of useless when you have this much hair. The only thing good for summer looks, you know, hair off the back of my neck, is French braiding, and that takes forever."

"So I've discovered. My fingers are cramping. Which they shouldn't, since I'm a guitar player and my hands should be used to this kind of grueling punishment."

We went into the salon and the woman practically started dancing when I was telling her what I wanted done.

"Do you want to donate your hair to Locks of Love?" she asked. "You've got more than ten inches here."

I thought about Mrs. Winslow, and even Danielle Roberts. I nodded. "Definitely. Oh, as long as my friend here gets a bit. He wants to remember."

The woman smiled. "No problem."

Justin watched carefully as she put the majority of my hair in a rubber band. Then in a few cuts from a pair of scissors, most of my hair was gone. I actually gasped. Justin did too.

"Does your head feel lighter?" Justin asked after a few seconds.

I laughed. "A little, actually.

The stylist came back and worked on my hair. It's REALLY short. When it's down, it falls to just below my earlobes. It's a little shorter than I wanted, I can't really pull it back or anything, but that's okay. I keep reaching up and touching the back of my neck. It actually looks good. Weird, but good.

Dad freaked out when he saw me. He liked it after the initial shock, though. Carol loves it. She wants to go out and buy gel and hair wax so I can spike it. Sometimes she can still drive me a little crazy.

Anyway, after that, we couldn't think of anything else to do, so we ended up going back to Justin's and doing nothing, like we usually do.

Justin had tied the lock of my hair (my hair that got donated was 28 inches long. That's just unbelievable) around his review mirror.

"Here," Justin said, "three years ago we bought a hammock. It's been sitting out in the garage in a box since then. We should set it up."

"Good idea," I replied.

So we spent about two hours doing that. We probably would have gotten it done faster if we had read the directions. Or if Justin's neighbor's hunky pool boy wasn't setting up their pool (in just swimming trunks). We got a little distracted.

When we finally had it set up in the backyard, the two of us squeezed onto it. If one of us (me in this case) lay on our side, then we could both fit without too much discomfort.

"So when are you leaving?" I asked.

"I don't know, probably sometime in the last week of June. I'm going to be sending most of my stuff up right away after I hire a U-Haul driver. And then I'll go up a little bit slower. I'm going to stop in Hanford and visit Mike and Veronica for a few days. The babies will be born by then, so- Oh! Did I tell you that I got Mike to tell me the sexes of the babies?"

"No! What's she having?"

"Girls. Both girls. They've picked out names for each case, so they'll be Kaitlyn and Samantha."

"That is so cute. I'm glad they're not doing rhyming names or names that start with the same letter or something."

"Yeah, none of the names were like that. Something about their own identities or something. I know they're not planning on dressing the same, except for maybe photo ops."

"It sounds like they really have been thinking about being the parents of twins."

He nodded. "Yep."

"Is your dad going to go visit them?" I asked.

"I think they want to come up for Christmas. At least I'm trying to convince them to."

"How are things going with... you and Mike?"

"Okay, I guess. We don't talk a whole lot, but we actually have things to talk about now. It's not like we're best buddies or something, but... it's not too bad."

"It's better than before."

"Exactly." Justin paused. "I've been thinking-"

"Uh oh."

"Shush. If you're going to be mean, I'm not going to tell you."

"Okay, okay." I adjusted how I was laying. "Go."

"Well, other than doing the play, dabbling in a literary magazine, I haven't done a lot of the senior year things. So I thought I would make a point to go to prom. Especially since I didn't go last year-"

"Why didn't you go last year?"

"I ended up going to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show instead with a bunch of the guys from the track team. It seemed like a lot more fun at the time, and then we were all thinking about how we could go next year anyway."

"Weren't you dating what's her name?" I asked.

"Nancy? I was a bad boyfriend struggling with my sexuality. She wanted to go, but it all depended on me, since she's too young. So I avoided the subject until it was too late. You know, she might not have hated me so much when I came out if I'd taken her to prom."

"Probably not." I actually had no idea where he was going with this.

"So, anyway, I thought maybe you'd like to go with me."

I looked up at him. "What?"

"Would you like to go to prom with me?"

It was like my stomach dropped out.

Justin laughed. "Oh man, your face just turned a wicked shade of white. If you're worried about being a freshman there, I'm sure there will be others there. Something about moving the eighth graders into the high school last year gave everyone a big boost on freshmen."

But that wasn't it. It was like his asking me to prom made this little switch go off in my head. I hadn't even CONSIDERED Justin as any kind of romantic interest. And not that his asking me to prom made him consider me in that way, but it made like flashing lights go off in my brain. Me and Justin?

Nope, couldn't be. I had to tell him no.

But instead I fell out of the hammock.

"Ow!" I yelped when I hit the ground.

Justin peered over the edge of the hammock at me. "Did you just fall for me?"

Even though he was weirdly right, I had to be outraged by his horrible pun. I laughed. "No! That was awful." I got up and dusted off my butt. I climbed back into the hammock.

"So what about prom?" Justin asked. He poked me in the arm. "Come on, you want to go, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"What?"

"I... I don't know."

He wrinkled his eyebrows and gave me a strange look. "What is it?"

Insert weird thought: What would it be like to kiss him?

No idea, I replied in my head to the weird thought. We're going to overlook that I was talking to myself.

Kiss him and find out.

I almost fell out of the hammock again. I grabbed Justin by the arm to keep my balance. I had that weird thought again. It was overwhelming. But I was just going to make a fool of myself.

"So, what was I? Last resort?" I tried to make a joke.

"Actually, no. First pick. There isn't anyone else I'd rather go with," he replied.

"That's just because you spend all your time with me."

"And I enjoy it. And that's why I think we'd have a good time at prom together. Since we enjoy ourselves all the time anyway. There isn't any reason we shouldn't go. It's my senior prom and I want you to come with me. You don't have to say yes, but I'd be really, really happy if you did."

"I'll go! I want to go!" I said.

"You're humoring me. Why don't you want to go?" He gave me the wrinkled eyebrow look again.

"I want to go. I'm just... confused."

"Confused?"

The way he said it, it was, well, confused. He had no idea what was going on in my head. Obviously this didn't mean anything. What was I thinking? I've only been broken up from Christian for a month (even though it feels like a lot longer), why would I want to even think about getting together with Justin? He's leaving in a couple of months anyway.

"Nothing," I said. "I'd love to go prom."

He gave me a funny look and poked me in the arm again. "Talk to me, Dawn."

"Nothing," I said again. "Oh, god. I'm going to need a dress or something! And my hair. Is this prom hair? Is this acceptable hair for prom?"

Justin laughed. "It's perfect hair for prom." He ran his hand through my hair and I got chills up my spine. "Really, Dawn, it looks great. And you know I wouldn't lie to you. Not about something as important as hair."

"I know."

Suddenly, I couldn't wait to get out of there. I felt foolish. The last thing I needed was a useless crush on Justin. Besides, he's my FRIEND. Why complicate that?

But it's too late. It's already complicated.

May 9th

Oh my god! I have the most beautiful dress in the world! After school today, Carol picked up me and Ducky (for a consult, and he LOVES my haircut. He said that he should get the same cut, ha ha.) and we went to the mall for dress shopping. Long story short?

I own the most beautiful dress ever! It's long, floor length, and black, with glitter in it. It's got one strap that goes over my shoulder and a big slit up the one side.

And I look HOT.

Ducky was fitted for his tux, and reserved it for prom night. He looks mad handsome.

I'm so excited! I don't even care what could possibly happen over prom between me and Justin. Even if nothing happens, I think it's going to be so much fun.

I'm dying without having anyone to talk to about it. I'd normally go to Ducky, but would he really want to hear me wonder about my feelings for his ex? They seem to be getting along well as friends, and Ducky's involved with Kevin now, but there's probably still something awkward about talking to him about it. He knows Justin and I are going to prom together and all, but "feelings" for each other? I don't know.

And talk to Sunny about relationship issues? We're hardly even friends anymore. And not with everything she's got going on. Considering her last relationship.

I'm just going to have to suffer it out.

May 11th

Sometimes I wonder why I try. I was thinking about the snobby remark I made about Sunny in here the other day, and I thought that was pretty mean of me. Sunny, of course, doesn't know I made that comment, but I still felt bad about it.

Sunny and I have grown apart. We've developed different interests, grown closer to different people, but part of me missed her. The old her. The Sunny from the end of the summer. The Sunny from before my parents got divorced. I knew that Sunny had to be in there somewhere. I thought I would try and make amends. Even if it's nothing, even if we can more than look at each other when all of our friends are together. Maybe we still had things to say to each other.

I wasn't ready to give up my best friend.

And maybe it was selfish of me. In not so many words, my "best friend" as of lately has been Justin. And he's leaving. Maybe I wanted to make sure that in the end, I wouldn't be friendless. I would still have someone.

Maybe I should give Jill a call. Sunny is useless.

Not useless. Just... I don't know.

I went over to her house today. Ducky had made some comment about Sunny being under "house arrest," though, when I asked him how she was doing, he told me that he had no idea. Not anymore. He sounded sort of distant about the subject and quickly found a new one. I wonder if they had a fight. Which would be kind of shocking to me.

Either way, I went over to her house. I had the idea that she would be there. I was right. I knocked on the door, feeling weird. It felt weird to be there. I used to run in that house without a thought. It was always so bright, full of light.

Apparently Sunny and Mr. Winslow aren't big on cleaning. It wasn't messy or dirty, just... cluttered and dark. It was sort of like being in a cave.

Before Sunny let me in, she sort of stared at me. "What do you want?"

"I, uh, just wanted to say hi," I replied. We hadn't seen eye-to-eye on a lot of things over the past year or so, but I've never felt this intimidated by her before. it was like she had aged twenty years since December.

"Hi," she said. I could tell she wanted to close the door in my face.

"Can I come in?"

"I guess." She pushed open the screen door and I came inside. I did what I could not to stare at the cave-like house. We went in the kitchen.

"So how's everything going?" I asked.

"As well as it can be," she replied.

I didn't really know what that meant, so I didn't push it. "So, how's, uhh..." I couldn't think of anything to say.

"What are you doing here?" Sunny asked, not letting me finish the string of "uh's" and "um's" that were about to come out of my mouth.

"I just wanted to-"

"Say hi. Right. So what are you really doing here? Come to ask me up front about what happened? Be superior and perfect to my face?"

"Why are you being so defensive?" I asked.

"Why aren't you telling me what the hell you're doing here?" She crossed her arms over her chest. "I didn't realize that we were still "buds," Dawn. I thought that died a long time ago."

"It doesn't mean we can't be friends again."

Her face softened for a second. It lost that aged shell. She looked like a teenage girl again. Her words were just as harsh, though. "I'm trying to clean my life of anything that made me feel like shit. So you might as well leave, Dawn, because ever since Mom died, all you've ever done is made me feel horrible about myself. It's not surprising that pushed friends like you away. Because I didn't need friends like you."

"Sunny, do you think it's possible that you NEED friends right now? Any friends? At all?"

"It won't matter. I've seen the brochures coming in the mail."

"I, uh... what?" That comment didn't compute.

"Boarding schools. Girl's schools. Family counseling. All of it adds up. Dad can't handle me, I can't stay. It's not that bad, Dawn. Not when I've pushed everyone away. You're the only one who's taken the time to come back."

"Then why are you still pushing?" I asked.

"Because. It's that much easier to let go." She walked away, leaving me in her kitchen. Then I left.

I can understand where she's coming from, but it doesn't make it right. Not in my mind. But then again, Sunny and I are very different people. We always have been, but it just seems much more obvious these days. We handle things differently, we see things MUCH differently. I can't make her see things my way. I can accept that.

If she's right, I guess it won't really matter. And maybe I will end up friendless.

I hope things work out for Sunny. I hope she turns out okay.

May 12th

I'm sitting at lunch. I'm by myself today, and that's fine. I wanted to write. I was talking to Maggie today. It was the first time I've actually talked to Maggie in like months. Maybe I'm still trying to work out my possible friendless issue by reconnecting with Maggie.

I ran into her in the halls. "Hey!" I said.

She turned around. She smiled, but it was kind of eerie. It was like the ghost of Maggie smiling at me. She looked like she'd lost weight again. But I hadn't been much of a friend these past few months, so I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything. But then again she was dressed all in black, and that's slimming. She was also wearing black framed glasses, but I didn't think Maggie needed glasses.

"Hey, Dawn," she said. "What's going on? I love your hair, it looks great."

"Thanks! I just thought I'd stop by and say hello."

"Oh. Hi." She picked a book out of her locker. "I heard you're going to prom with Justin."

"Yeah..."

"I'm not surprised. I knew he liked you."

"It's nothing like that," I said. "We're just friends."

Maggie looked surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah, why?"

She blushed. "It was just... oh, something he said to me once. It, you know, gave me the idea that he liked you." She shoved the book in her bag. "I, uh, I've gotta go. See ya, Dawn."

That was weird. I don't know what got her all flustered. And what did Justin say to her that gave her the idea that he liked me? Was that why she was upset? Because he said something? I was pretty sure that Maggie was way over Justin. It's been over a year since she liked him, and has dated someone since then.

I don't know what to think. Is it possible that he likes me? Not that it really matters. Not in the long run. It would just end in disaster since when he leaves, he probably won't ever be back.

Romantic relationship or not, knowing that hurts.


	39. Chapter Thirty Nine: Sunny

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Sunny 

5/12

Dad can go shove it.

5/12, later.

So what was I supposedly doing to get Dad's attention? Why was I wasting my time? Who wants attention from that freak of nature? We were talking about my "options."

"My options for what?" I asked.

"For school in the fall," Dad replied.

"School in the fall?" I knew it was coming, but Dad is always under the impression that I'm completely clueless. I played it cool. "I'm not going back to Vista?"

"No," he said.

"Why not? It's not like he's there anymore."

Dad's eyes got a funny look to them. That same funny look he gets when I mention "him." Meaning Lew, and Dad has a hard time handling that. How is it that over Thanksgiving we were JOKING about this sort of thing, and now we're looking at "options"? Maybe I'm just some stupid immature kid (I know I am, by the way), but what changed that much? We wouldn't be here if I hadn't said anything. I'd be in the same fucked up Sunny situation, he just wouldn't know. And we could still be laughing about it.

Instead of yelling or something, Dad sighed. He looked tired, and OLD. He actually kind of reminded me of Mom in the early days of the chemo. Before things looked really grim.

"Sunny," he said, "this past year, I've been pretty much useless to you as a father. I feel a weight about what happened, because I suspect that if I had been there for you more, this wouldn't have happened."

Really, Dad? You think so? Isn't that special.

No, I didn't say that. I just sort of grunted, "What about counseling or something?"

"I'm afraid that it might be too late for just that. I've gone over ideas of counseling, therapy -for both of us- but..."

I hated hearing Dad sound so insecure. He sounded like he was breaking. I felt guilty, because if I had just been normal, we wouldn't be here. But normal for me would have been sleeping with a hundred guys under eighteen, instead of just one teacher. I probably would have ended up pregnant with herpes. So what's worse?

Personally, a little emotionally scarred seems better than that.

Maybe a little bit more than a little.

"What are you going to do?" I asked. "Going to send me away somewhere? Out of sight, out of mind, right?"

"It's not like that, Sunny. I'm not trying to get rid of you. I'm just... doing what I can. For your best interest."

"So you are sending me away. I can see how that's in MY best interest. Since you've obviously been doing such a good job." I waited for him to snap at me, but he didn't. He looked a little weary, and I felt bad again. "To where? Some convent in the middle of nowhere?"

"Convent? I don't think this is a time to try and shove religion on you. I don't think anytime is the time to shove religion on you. You should hopefully know me better than that."

"Should I?"

He sighed again. "Maybe not. I've been researching girl's schools, though. Some are boarding schools. Some aren't. Some are in the area. Some... aren't."

"How do I go to a non-boarding school somewhere else? Would you move?"

"One of them is in Atlanta."

"What does that- No! Dad, no! Please, anything but that. I'll go to any boarding school, send me to a convent, but PLEASE, don't make me go live with Aunt Morgan!"

He actually laughed at me. "I've talked to her about it."

"You TOLD her?" I felt a little sick at the idea of Dad telling anyone (especially Aunt Morgan) about what happened. It was bad enough, Dad knowing.

"Of course I told her."

"Who else have you told?" I could feel my eyes bugging out.

"No one. Just Morgan. She's... she's checking out the school there for me."

"You're just going to force me to go out there and live with her? And I don't even get a say in the matter?"

"Do you think it's possible that I don't think you're responsible enough to be making your own choices right now?"

I was stunned. I shouldn't have been. In the past year, I've proven myself to be less than trustworthy. I'm aware of that. It was just shocking that Dad had finally caught on.

"Okay... but let's add it to the record that I don't want to move to Atlanta."

"Added," he said. "But if I think it's the best thing for you, you're going to go."

"I hate this," I said. "I'm getting my life uprooted, totally turned upside down, and you just get to stay here and do whatever. I know I screwed up, but you did too. It's not fair that I'm the only one who has to make sacrifices!"

"The only one making sacrifices? How can you say that?"

"Because I screw up one time and you're ready to just get rid of me! You couldn't care less!"

"You think it's easy? I don't WANT to send you away. I wouldn't, if I thought I had any other option. However, I think it IS the best thing for you. I'm aware that I can't do what needs to be done to raise you. I can't do it by myself-"

"You can't do it at all!" I snapped. "You didn't do anything when Mom was alive. You were just there. She did all the work."

"We can lay blame all day, Sunny, but it's not going to change what's happening. You are going to be taken out of Vista, and you will be going to another school. I'm not doing it because I want to get rid of you, but because it's what's best for you! You need more help than I can provide you with."

"Well, at least we can agree on something!" I stomped upstairs.

I don't even want to think about living with Aunt Morgan. I've been ready for boarding school. I've been preparing myself for living in a world without guys (lesbianism is really hip these days, I hear). Hell, send me to the convent. Just NOT with Aunt Morgan.

Chances are, I'll be stuck with her. Dad would do it just to piss me off.

5/13

Oh shit. Oh shit.

I just did something really stupid. REALLY, really stupid.

This time, no one is EVER going to find out.

I knew Ducky was working tonight. I had stole the schedule. So I told Dad (Who has no idea that Ducky and I are fighting) that I was going to the store. The only flaw in the plan was if Dad called the store, because Ducky would surely deny my being there.

In the old days, even if we were fighting, Ducky would cover for me. Just because that's the sort of guy he is. This one was the kicker. The days of Ducky and Sunny are gone. I don't think that one was all my fault, either. Sure, I shouldn't have read Ducky's journal, I'm a bad friend, blah, blah, blah, but I just had to know. Ducky shouldn't have yelled at me like that.

Karma is just going to have to get me the next time around.

But oh well. It didn't matter because Dad didn't call, and I didn't get caught.

I wandered around for a while, until I was over in Ducky's neighborhood. I don't know why I was there. Maybe I felt bad. I know I've felt bad about it for a while, even though, reasons stated above. It's sad to lose a friendship.

Or just kick one in the face like I did with Dawn. But that's neither here nor there now.

"Hey... Sunny?"

I turned and there was Alex. He was sitting on a porch step. He was setting a book down next to him on the stoop.

"Hi," I said, walking over to him. "You live here?"

"Yup." He nodded. "What are you doing over here?"

"Just walking," I replied.

"Come on in." He got up and I followed him inside. We sat down in the living room. The house was pretty much set up like Ducky's.

Alex reached into his pocket and pulled out a white and gold pack of cigarettes. He pulled out from the pack. "You want one... oh, no. You wouldn't, would you? Do you mind if-?"

I shook my head. "Go ahead. Does Ducky know?"

"That I smoke? Hell no! I don't smoke a lot, I know that's what everyone says, but a pack lasts me like a week. But yeah, hiding it and him finding out due to some strange circumstance is better than me telling him."

I laughed. "Okay, I know how that is. So... where are your parents?"

"Mom's at work, sister's at a friend's house."

"Oh."

"So how are things?" Alex took a drag off his cigarette.

"Shitty," I replied. "Dad's talking about boarding schools and all of that."

"That sucks."

"I'm okay with that. I'm fine with leaving, in fact, I'm sort of looking forward to it, but Dad's talking about Atlanta, some all girl's school. For me to go live with my Aunt Morgan. Wicked Aunt from Hell."

Alex laughed. "Gotcha. That's still warm weather most of the year, though, right? Try being thrown into winter in Chicago."

"Yuck."

"Tell me about it. But Atlanta. That's mostly warm, and especially going there in like August. No problem."

"Still problem. Living with Aunt Morgan."

"Well, yeah. I don't know how to help you there."

I settled back on the couch. "How am I supposed to deal with this? It's bad enough that I screwed up, and I have to deal with everyone knowing. But getting thrown into a totally new situation? A whole new place? Is that supposed to make this easier?"

"Well, there are ways to deal with it," Alex said. "But take some advice from me. Don't take advice from me."

"I'm not very good at taking advice. Go on."

"All right. There's a hundred ways to cut yourself off. Self injury, substance abuse, endless string of meaningless sexual relationships- that's probably your road."

I laughed. "Probably. You... did all that?"

"Yeah. None of it did me any good though."

"Tell me."

"About how it didn't do any good?" He paused. "Oh, the sexual relationships. Yes, Sunny, it's true. I'm not a virgin. Girls in Chicago."

"Are the girls in Chicago loose?" I asked, smiling slightly.

"Hopeless suicidal ones who are using me for the same reason I'm using them are. It's not glamorous. It doesn't make you feel any better, not in the end."

I paused. Not the sort of answer I was expecting. Not this this was a conversation I was expecting. "Did it stop you?"

Alex took the last drag off of his cigarette and smashed it in an ash tray. He exhaled a bunch of smoke. "When everything else you've been doing starts to work. When you start to care enough about life to care what a girl thinks of you, and what you think of her. To care about anything. When you start to realize that there's more to this, and... how you treat people matters. Even if you've been treated like shit."

"How long did it take?" I asked in a small voice.

"I don't know, it happened over time. But I'd never really been treated like shit, I was just... lost. Anything I tried to do on my own to help myself just made the situation worse."

"How do you come back from it?"

He smiled and put his hand over mine. "The whispers when you walk down the hall will pass. It is almost the end of the school year. Even if your dad changes his mind and you come back to Vista, by then you'll be old news."

"Thanks," I said, rolling my eyes. The devil then took over my body.

Boy, the devil made me do it would be SUCH a nice excuse.

I am a terrible person.

I kissed Alex. Smack on the lips. It came out of nowhere. I hadn't even thought thoughts about Alex like that. Never in my entire life. But all of a sudden, all this talk of meaningless sexual relationships, it seemed so tempting. And I fell into temptation.

Just do it. Don't feel. Don't think.

When do I ever think?

"Whoa!" Alex said, sliding back away from me. He put his hands up in a surrender move. "I wasn't implying something here, Sunny."

"I know, I've just felt so stupid and embarrassed the past few weeks, and I just wanted to forget for a minute," I said. I was looking at my hands.

"Watch a movie. Read a book. Write a book."

"That just doesn't do it. I..."

"Sunny, there is nothing in the world that could make me go any further with this. You should... probably go home."

The devil made me do it.

Fuck. I am the devil.

I took off my shirt.

"Sunny, don't."

I slid to the side of the couch where Alex is, well, cowering away from me. However, I think he was more afraid of the wrath of Ducky if he were find out, than not wanting to have sex with me. Even if Ducky and I aren't talking, I'm a little afraid about what would happen to Alex if he found out.

I wrapped my arms around him and started kissing his neck.

He didn't push me away. Instead, he whispered in my ear, "Why are you doing this? Is it worth it?"

"Yes," I said.

"I just said that it wasn't. It never is. It doesn't make a difference."

"Humor me."

He put his hands on my back. His hands were cold.

Ever hear that phrase "Is kissing someone who smokes like kissing an ash tray?" Turns out the answer is no. It wasn't like kissing someone who was just chewing mint gum, but it didn't taste like that stale ash-y smell.

I could feel the distance. Kissing Alex, lending a hand in removing his clothes, pulling off my own, it wasn't like with Lew. There was a sense of desperation, but it was mostly that I was feeling nothing.

It was working.

I wasn't sure if it would work. But it did. I felt nothing. I was numb. I was a rock.

And for a minute, while while we were on the floor of Alex's living room, and I mounted him, I was a god.

But that didn't last long. He rolled us over so he was on top. Fine, he wanted to play that game. Male dominance. Control. I was used to it. It wasn't a game, though.

I've had sex more times than I can count (well, I can count, I could probably go back through this journal and add them up, but more times than I CARE to count), but it was nothing like this. With Lew, it was the Lew show. We did whatever we did for the pleasure of Lew.

Maybe I just figured that's what sex was. Maybe I figured that's all I was good for. Making some guy feel good. Just a sex machine.

This is why I've been having sex for the past five months and know absolutely nothing about having sex. I guess there's a reason he taught bio and not sex ed.

It turns out I was wrong about sex. I was wrong about a lot of things.

Throughout the whole thing, Alex asked me how I was feeling, where I wanted him to touch me. He didn't just do his thing, come and go. He took his time. Sex had never taken this long, but not in a bad way. He didn't just do what he did, he did things for ME.

I dug my fingernails into his shoulder, which had to hurt, as I, for the very first time, had an orgasm.

Alex pulled out and leaned against the couch. He grabbed his cigarette pack and got one out. He didn't light it, he just held it.

"That was the best sex I've ever had," I said.

He smiled. "I'm glad."

Then I started to cry. And not just little tears, I started to bawl. I hadn't really cried since I told Ducky about Lew and me. Even when we had that fight, it wasn't crying like this. But it wasn't that. It wasn't about the sex, or even that I just screwed Ducky's best friend. It was just about how stupid I'd been. How wrong I had been about everything.

Alex reached over and held me. Even though he was naked and I was just in a bra, it was probably one of the least sexual moments of my life. I don't know how long that went on.

"I'm so sorry," I said, "I shouldn't have- I..."

He pulled away for a moment and held my face in his hands. "Don't be sorry. I should be sorry. For a minute there, I thought it was okay. That if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. Someone else who wouldn't care, and it wouldn't end. I've been there, and it never makes you feel better, it just makes you feel empty. So I shouldn't have done this. I should have walked you home."

I started to cry again. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal?"

"What's normal? Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them. You haven't made any fatal ones. You still have time to fix yourself."

Then we both got dressed and he walked me home.

We didn't say much. At one point, though, I looked over at him.

"You like Amalia, don't you?"

He looked a little surprised, then a little sheepish. "Yeah, kinda."

"You should ask her out."

"I, uh... probably shouldn't. Not after this."

I stopped and put my hand on his arm. "Yeah, you should."

He gave me a funny look. "Like I'm going to take dating advice from you."

I laughed and shoved him. "Shut up."

"That's better," he said, laughing too.

When we got to my house, there was an awkward moment. Should I shake his hand? Hug him? Kiss him? What do you do after really great awkward sex?

Alex solved the problem. He leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Night, Sunny."

"Night, Alex... hey, uh... where... did you learn how to do that? I mean, all of that. Back there."

He grinned. "French class."

I started laughing. "Go away! Go home!"

He laughed too and started down the sidewalk. I went inside.

I just don't understand. How in the world, when I was at my most unrespectable, I was respected? Not the sex part, but the after sex part.

Alex said he was wrong, but he was right. I would have just gone somewhere else. And I wouldn't have cared who. But where would that have left me? I'd just keep going back again and again to the wrong people for something I didn't need. I probably WOULD have ended up pregnant with herpes. It would never have ended.

One more wrong move turned into a right one. I wanted to sleep with Alex so I wouldn't have to feel. I just wanted to be that sex machine. He really didn't let me. I was able to see that it's all more than just that.

And it shouldn't be wasted. Not on someone who doesn't deserve it. Someone like Lew. Of course, Lew is probably getting anally raped as I write this, so I can't feel too horrible about him.

I hate it that I have to figure things out this way. I have to screw up over and over again. I have to keep making the same stupid mistakes before it finally sinks in. I never learn on the first try. I hate that. But it's probably a good thing, now. At least I figured it out now before I did it again.

I still have time to fix myself. I don't have to be like this forever.


	40. Chapter Forty: Amalia

Chapter Forty: Amalia

5/16

Life is weird when you're Sunny's best friend. I don't think she's my best friend, but she's latched onto me in a way. I know she's not really close with Dawn anymore, and she had that huge fight with Ducky, so I'm pretty much it. I'm neutral in Sunny's life. That's how I've become the only friend she really has left.

I'm okay with that, but I can sort of see why everyone has backed away from her. Or maybe she pushed them away. She pushes people, that's for sure. Half the time, I want to strangle her.

The other half of time, she's sort of cool. And a little scary.

Yesterday, she decides that we need to go out. She tells her Dad we're going to the mall. I'm there, I'm with her while she says this. I call my parents and tell them we're going to the mall.

"So now what are we going to do?" Sunny asks.

"I thought we were... going to the mall," I reply uncertainly.

"Oh, that was just to free us up," she says, waving a hand, like it's no big deal.

It's not as if I've never lied to my parents. I met Sunny (And Dawn, Ducky, and Maggie) by lying to my parents for crying out loud. I don't like the feeling that Sunny has just manipulated ME to do whatever she wants to do.

"Can't we just... do what we said we were going to do?" I ask.

She heaves a sigh like being honest will kill her. "Fine, fine. Let's go to the mall."

We go over to the mall. We window shop for a while. Sunny buys a new navel ring (a flashy looking fake diamond in the shape of a star), and I get that new pair of shorts I've been saying I needed for a couple of weeks now. While I'm trying on the shorts at Macy's, I hear,

"Hey, Amalia."

I spin around. I'm wearing shorts that are NOT flattering on me at all. In fact, that's what Sunny and I had been agreeing on when he came up behind me. It's Macon.

"Macon, hey," I say. "What's up?"

"I just saw you over here, and I thought I'd say hi. I work over there." He points to the pretzel kiosk.

"I'm glad someone is supplying the world with pretzels," I say.

He laughs. He looks at Sunny. "I don't think we know each other. I'm Macon Rhodes."

"Sunny Winslow," she says.

"Oh," he says with recognition. Pretty much everyone at Vista knows Sunny's name these days. He doesn't say anything else, except, "Nice to meet you."

"Macon's a member of the GSA," I say. I continue, even though it's not really true anymore, but hopefully someday it will be, "Sunny's friends with Ducky."

"He's a good guy," Macon says.

"Like a saint," Sunny replies. Her voice doesn't show any, but her eyes are glazed with sarcasm. "So, the GSA. You're gay?"

He laughs. "No, but, uh, my brother is. He graduated last year, and I just kept going to the meetings. Why the hell not, huh? Besides, it's not just for the gay among us. It's for straight people too. Like, well, us."

Sunny throws an arm around my neck. "Oh, Amalia, you haven't told him our little secret?"

I laugh and shrug off her arm. "Very funny."

She laughs, making a show that she really WAS just kidding.

"Well," I say awkwardly, "it was nice seeing you. I'll see you at the next GSA meeting."

"Yeah, um, I was sort of, since I saw you here, I kind of took it as a sign. And maybe it's bad timing, but on Thursday, it'll be too late. And it probably already is, but, uh, do you want, like, as friends, just, just friends, to go to prom?" He pauses and then adds, as if I wasn't really sure, "With me?"

"Oh!" I say. I'm not expecting this at all. My brain still isn't computing the words, so out come the usual jumble of things that don't make sense. "Oh, well, I, uh-"

Sunny gives me a hard poke in the back.

"Ow!"

"Amalia?" Macon asks.

"Yes!" I say before I can make more of a fool of myself, before Sunny injures me, or before Macon takes back his request because I'm such a spaz. "Yes, I'd love to go."

He grins. "Great. Well, uh, I'll come around sometime tomorrow and we can figure out what we're doing. I mean, plans and everything." He backs away and almost trips over a rack of jeans (how someone almost trips over a rack that comes up to their navel, I don't know, but he somehow accomplishes it). We all sort of laugh. Macon is pretty much as much of a spaz as I am.

"Ooooh! You have a boy-oy-friend!" Sunny sings at me.

"I'm not, you know, I'm just not looking for a boyfriend right now. Besides, he said just as friends," I point out.

"No one trips over a rack of jeans over someone they want to be friends with," she says. "So is he a junior? A senior?"

"Uh, a junior, I think. Obviously he one or the other," I say. I change out of the horrible shorts. The next pair I try on a perfect fit. Pretty much like they were made for me. I bought them. We go over to the prom dresses, so I can get an idea of what's out there. I can't afford a dress today. There doesn't seem to be a lot of selection left.

"He says "uh" a lot," Sunny says out of nowhere.

"What?"

"He says "uh" a lot. It's almost like a stutter or something. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just something I noticed." She pauses. "I thought you liked Alex."

"Alex? No, not like that, anyway. I mean, he's a nice guy, but I wouldn't date him. He's not really supposed to date right now, he told me. Something about rejection or something, I don't know all the details. It's like his latest prescription."

"I think he likes you, though," Sunny pushes.

"Well, even if he does, it doesn't matter, does it? I'm obviously going to prom with Macon," I say.

"But what if Alex asks you out? Would you reject him, knowing that's why he's not supposed to date? What if you rejected him and then something happened?"

By "something" she obviously means, what if Alex tries to kill himself again? I'm not so big headed to think that someone would kill themselves over something I said, but the idea does sort of present itself in my head. I like hanging out with Alex, but I'd never really consider going out with him.

"Stop it!" I say. "Stop putting these ideas in my head! Alex isn't going to ask me out, so it doesn't matter, does it?"

She raises her eyebrows. "I guess not." She doesn't believe that, I can tell.

I can't believe I'm taking dating advice from Sunny of all people. Look how things have ended up for her.

Wow. That was really cruel of me to say about Sunny. I shouldn't have said that. I can't erase it, though, since I'm writing in pen. You won't think any less of me for it, NBook. And it's not just Sunny's past with Mr. Rutherford that makes me think this. Sunny sort of doesn't know how to manage her own life. At least that's the impression I get. I really wouldn't know, I guess.

I like to help people, but I know that Sunny is way beyond anything I could even think about, in terms of being able to actually help her. So I'm doing what I can to be there for her.

"Let's go!" Sunny says, grabbing my hand. She practically drags me onto a bus before I can even think.

"W-what?" I ask. I'm forking over bus fee.

"This bus will take us right into LA," she says. "We can look at dresses there."

"But we said-" I cut myself off. It doesn't matter what we said. Sunny is planning on doing whatever she wants. The second we told our parents we were going to the mall, she wanted to go somewhere else. My idea of doing what we said we were going to do is almost silly in her mind.

"Don't you want to go look at prom dresses?" she asks.

"Well, yeah, but why do you?"

"We're friends. Even if I'm not going, which I've been asked by five different guys who are just looking for blow jobs, I want to help you find a dress."

We go into LA, but it's a short trip. I'm protesting that we go back to Palo City, and Sunny isn't interested in dresses. So we go back to Palo City, after spending less than an hour in LA. Sunny keeps making annoyed comments at me, but by the time we arrive at Palo City, she's stopped making the comments.

We go to McDonald's because Sunny says she needs some grease in her life. She orders a chicken sandwich and fries, and I get a salad. Sunny flirts with the guy who's taking our order. He's about sixteen, but he doesn't go to Vista, he must got to Palo High. He's super skinny and his face is covered with jaggy acne scars. Sunny is only flirting with him because he's there.

Now, it might be small of me to think that Sunny wouldn't really be interested in a guy with acne, but she's not. I know this because she flirts with the guy cleaning tables too. She only takes like two bites of her sandwich, and eats none of her fries. I, however, devour my salad.

"Sunny, why do you do that?" I ask.

"Do what?" she's eying some guys across the room.

"Flirt with anything that walks."

"I don't flirt with anything that walks. I flirt with anything that walks and has a penis," she clarifies, joking. "No reason, I just do. It's a hobby. I don't want to really do anything with them, I just like to flirt. Even when I was seeing... him, I still flirted with other guys. It's just what I do."

"Flirting for sport?" I ask.

She laughs. "Kind of. Besides, Dad's looking at sending me to some boarding school, or girl's school. I'm just trying to get everything I'm going to miss in before it's gone."

I don't really know what to say. I feel bad for her, even though I know she brought all of this onto herself.

"Well, can we just... do what we said we were going to do?"

"We did what we said we were going to do."

"Except for that side trip into the city?"

"Oh, that. Right," she says. "Sometimes the mall just doesn't seem far enough away from my Dad. Maybe Atlanta isn't such a bad idea. Don't worry, Amalia. You won't have to keep convincing me to do what I say I'm going to do. Not that I have a lot of choice. Not for much longer."

I don't believe her. I'm finding it harder and harder to believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I still want to be her friend. I still want to help her in whatever it is she's trying to do, but hopefully I can keep her somewhat in line. Unlike today.

We don't get caught. Everything thinks we were at the mall the whole time. I guess that's how Sunny got away with everything she did for so long, convincing lies. But why do people still believe her?

5/17

What is it about the last month of school? Everyone is totally stir-crazy. Sure, I want to go to the beach, Disneyland, and on vacation, but there's still a month left.

Even with everything going on, I'm actually beginning to feel like I have TOO MUCH time on my hands. However, nothing is going to be done about it until school starts again in the fall. I will spend all summer doing nothing if I have to.

Free time. It's amazing.

Kevin's trying to convince me onto student activities next year. We'll see.

Until then, I'm a busy bee working on my homework (and getting good grades- mostly B's with a couple A's and C's), working at the store, even though my shifts lately have been the directly-after-school and the directly-into-slow-time shifts. It always picks up at five-thirty, when I'm walking out the door.

However, it gives me plenty of time to do my homework.

And that's what I was doing today at work, my homework. I'm sitting at the counter, and Alex is shelving books almost right next to me. He's kneeling on the floor, stacking books on the bottom shelf. I'll ask him about The Tell-Tale Heart, or my question sheet in bio (our sub for the rest of the year is so generic, but I guess he's better than someone who sleeps with students, not to mention one of your friends). Most of the responses are jokes, but sometimes Alex is serious.

I've been quiet for a bit when Alex says, "Amalia?"

I look over. "Yeah?"

"Oh... never mind."

I go back to my work. Another five or so minutes pass.

"Amalia?"

"Huh?" I look over. He's sitting flat on his butt, flipping through a book. "Don't bend the cover."

"I won't."

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

I set down my pen. "Alex, what's going on?"

"Nothing," he replies

"Tell me!" I say. "Tell me or I'll have to... fire... you. I have... seniority."

Alex laughs. "Do you want to come to prom with me?"

"Oh, well, uh..." Everything Sunny said to me the day before about Alex comes rushing back to me. I take a big breath. "Uh, well, I'm going with Macon."

"Oh, okay," Alex says. "I just, uh, thought it would be fun."

I feel instantly uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Alex."

"It's okay," he says. "I probably shouldn't have asked. Or at least kept up with the latest gossip."

Stupid, stupid Sunny! It's not that I REALLY think that Alex is going to try and kill himself over me. But then again, things like this are the reason that he shouldn't be dating. It's sort of making me a little sick, but I'm feeling a lot more angry at Sunny than anything else. She shouldn't have been putting these ideas in my head.

Maybe I'm not up to being Sunny's friend. It might just be too much for me.

I still feel sort of bad about Alex, though. But oh well. I want to go to prom with Macon. And even if I'd rather go with Alex, I'd still go with Macon, since he asked first and I accepted.

I don't know why I let Sunny get to me.

5/19

Today was... weird. Well, dress shopping with Isabel wasn't weird. But it's Thursday and I skip the GSA meeting and I'm not at work, so that was weird. I keep thinking it's Friday.

But that wasn't the weird part. I ran into Brendan.

It's not like Brendan and I don't see each other. We have a couple of classes together, we see each other in the halls, we say hi, but that's about it. Sometimes I think about the night we broke up, there at the hospital. I'll just find myself thinking about what he said. Really, NBook, sometimes I miss him. But not like I thought I would.

Maybe he really was just what I needed when I needed it. And that's it.

But running into him while he was holding hands with Cece (whom, if you remember, was the one pressuring me to go out with him in the first place) sent like shock waves all through me.

"Amalia!" Cece says. Was she being smug? That she was with Brendan? I'm really not friends with her anymore. It's funny how friends just drift apart sometimes.

Not that I have any right to tell him whom (Who? Whom?) to date.

Once I shook myself from my daze of staring at their clasped hands, I was able to put on a smile. "Hey, guys."

"Hi," Brendan says. He sounds shy.

"How's your dad?" I ask. I haven't visited in a couple of months. Visiting got harder and harder when Brendan and I broke up.

"Remission," he says, smiling.

"REALLY?" I lose all my uncomfortableness. I'm so happy. "That's great. When did this happen?"

"Oh, uh, about two weeks ago? Yeah, chemo, and an operation. He's still on watch, and, well, there's still things to go through for him, but, yeah, it's gone. He's a cancer survivor."

"That's so great to hear," I say. I really don't know what else to say. "I'll have to go over sometime."

"You should," Brendan replies. "I heard that you're going to prom."

"Yeah, I... how do you know? I only told like three people- Oh, I'm going to kill Sunny."

He laughs. Cece laughs too, but I get the feeling she doesn't know why she's laughing. Or maybe she's laughing at Sunny who is still a hot topic of rumors.

"I have to go," I say. "Isabel's taking me out to go dress shopping."

"Well, good luck," he says. He smiles sort of awkwardly, and I leave.

I feel weird about it the entire time Isabel and I are shopping. And that takes forever. All the dresses left on the racks are either ugly, size 0's or size 22's. I need something that's somewhere in the middle. And pretty.

So we got through like three department stores, some girly clothing stores, and then we leave the mall for boutiques, and there's nothing, so we end up at a fabric store.

"We're just going to have to make you a dress," Isabel says.

"In a week?" I reply. I'm not worried about how a dress would turn out. Between Isabel and Mami, both excellent sewers, I'm going to have a gorgeous dress, but it's just a time thing.

"Sure," she says. "I made a dress in two days once."

"But not a prom dress." I know what dress she's talking about. It was a cute sun dress, but it was the simplest of patterns and only came down to her knees.

"It's a challenge, but we'll do it. And there's nine days, not a week. Plenty of time. Now let's go pick out a pattern."

We go through the book of patterns until I find what I want. Then I go digging through fabrics. I find a pretty pale blue silky (but not actually silk) fabric that's just gorgeous.

"It's going to go beautifully with your skin," Isabel says. We get it cut, and then we go home. There, Isabel measures me so we get a perfect fit. Then she sizes the pattern and we cut out the fabric.

It takes like two hours. I've helped them sew before, but I've never been there the whole time. It's time consuming. I'm freaking out already that it won't be done in time.

After that, I have to go do some homework. I leave Isabel to her sewing and I start working.

I feel a little jumbled up.

I have the weirdest feeling that things are ending. That everything is about to change.

It can't be that bad. Change happens. I just need to get through this last month of school, and then I can spend my summer just concentrating on living for a bit. 


	41. Chapter Forty One: Justin

Chapter Forty-One: Justin 

May twenty-ninth. Sunday.

Last night was unlike anything I've ever experienced. In good ways. In bad ways. In... confusing ways.

It started off like one would expect these things to start. I took a shower, I got dressed, was glad that I decided to wear a regular tie instead of a bow tie, got the corsage out of the fridge (I figured if I was doing it, I was doing it all the way. Besides, I wanted to surprise Dawn), and went out to the car.

I don't know how people can afford limos. Mom hasn't cut off my money, she's still paying the bills, sending the checks, but I'm saving anything that doesn't involve buying food, gas, or packing supplies. I'm going to have to get a job up there, that's not a big deal, but I've got a few thousand dollars saved up from Mom's offerings over the years. The least I can do is use it toward something worthwhile.

Oh, except for the new suit. That cost a pretty penny, but considering what I had? It was a good investment.

I drove over to Dawn's house and rang the doorbell. Carol opened the door.

Oh, look at you in your suit! she exclaimed. And you have a corsage, that's so cute!

Uh... thanks?

She laughed. Sorry, sorry. I've been the annoying stepmother of nostalgia these past couple of days. And this just topped it off. Even though my date was shorter than you and blonde, and, well, we didn't exactly make it to the dance if you know what I mean.

I laughed too. A little uncomfortably. Is Dawn ready?

She was the last time I checked, but I don't really know. Jeff's been pestering her for a while now, so if she has little brother guts on her dress, she probably won't be going.

Jail or prom? Hmmm.

Carol and I both laughed, and then Dawn came into the living room.

When Dawn walked into in the living room, it was like I had the wind knocked out of me. I'd be lying if I said I'd never noticed that Dawn was pretty, but there was just something about the dress, or maybe how she had her hair, but I was struck with how beautiful she was.

I actually felt my hands shaking a little bit when I held out the corsage box. This is for you.

She laughed, and that sort of broke the spell. It's gorgeous! Thank you! She opened the box and slid it onto her wrist. Are we ready to go?

Yeah, I guess, I said.

Mr Schafer walked out of the kitchen. Dawn, you look lovely.

Thanks, Dad. She grinned.

And afterward you're going to...

Amalia's.

Right. And you'll be calling me at one thirty to let me know that you're on your way to to Amalia's.

Dad.

All right, then. Two.

DAD.

Two.

She laughed. Okay, okay. I will call you at two. Even if we're out that late. Justin knows what after prom party we're heading off to. But it could be boring.

Mr Schafer gave her a hug. Call me if you need anything, all right?

I promise, she replied.

Then we left.

Sorry about that, Dawn said. I know that if I were older, we'd be able to stay out all night and what not, but since I'm only fifteen, you're stuck taking me over to Amalia's.

It's not a big deal, I said. If I wanted to take someone older, I would have taken someone older. And you know it.

I drove us to the hotel, and we went inside. I could hear the sounds of a band already playing. One of the event rooms was just for us, and it was decorated... well, sort of cheesily. And tacky.

Dawn grabbed my arm. Don't tell me the theme of this prom is Under the Sea.

How much you want to bet that it wasn't Kevin's fault?

She giggled.

DAWN! DAWN, DAWN, DAWN!

We both spun around. Amalia was running the best she could in heels over to us. I was sort of waiting for you guys, she said. We wouldn't be totally a group until you got here. She jabbed her thumb behind her. Ducky, Kevin, and Macon were walking over to us, a bit slower.

We all greeted each other, and the girls ooh'd over each other's dresses. Guys have the most boring formal wear ever. We all basically looked the same.

We danced a little, ate some food, and drank some punch before it was spiked. Well, normal people did. Dawn had soda water.

I can't believe we spent as long as we did at a dance. I've never spent more than half an hour at a dance before in my life. Obviously, I danced with Dawn the most. But I also danced with Amalia, nearly half of the girls there, and I finally got a dance with Lila Vane, whom I think we can all recall those lust filled eighth grade journal entries. She confessed having a crush on me a year after I got over her. Damn!

Not that it really mattered. I was honestly having the best time with the girl I came with.

I truly am the man with the worst timing EVER when it comes to my romantic life. Will there ever be a time everything falls into place? Not that things didn't fall into place in one way or another tonight, but... it's so hard to even explain.

Okay! Justin, come here! Amalia grabbed my arm and dragged me over to where she was standing with the rest of our group.

All right, she said. We're doing official partner swap for the next dance.

It's not like we've all be dancing exclusively with our dates, Ducky said.

It's a slow one. We've been dancing slow ones exclusively. I want to dance with someone who won't step on my feet.

I didn't step on your feet, Macon said.

You tried. She gave him a little shove and took Kevin's arm. Shuffle me around the floor?

You bet! he said, winking.

Macon looked at me. Sorry, man. I'm dancing with the girl.

Dawn laughed. Come on, Macon let's show 'em how it's done.

They went out onto the dance floor. Ducky and I looked at each other sort of awkwardly for a moment. Then I stuck out my hand. May I have this dance?

Ducky looked at the floor, smiling. Then he looked up at me. Yeah.

We went to right about the middle of the floor. There was this weird moment where neither of really knew what do with our hands. Finally we settled on a standard waist-and-shoulders setting. So this isn't weird, I said. Not really.

He shook his head. No, not really.

We, uh, we just-

I don't want to talk about us. Ducky averted my eyes for a moment, and then met them again.

I do, I replied. Because... you really made a good pick with Kevin. And I'm really happy for you.

Thanks. I... probably wouldn't be so functional in my relationship with him. Which didn't really start off that functional, but, uh, if it wasn't for... trial run? That's not what I want to say.

I get it, I said. Well, I can deal with being the reason you can cope with true love.

He blushed. Yeah, well, uh, at first the whole gay thing was scary. And now it's... it's sort of fun.

I know, that's why I'm moving to San Fransisco. So I can spend all my time in the fun gay community.

What about Dawn?

What about Dawn?

These two phrases were said in completely different tones.

Oh, I... we all thought you were together. Or something, he said.

Well, it's... we?

Ducky waved his hand that was on my shoulder around the room. Everyone. Our friends. People in the GSA. We've been gossiping being your backs about it for like two months.

Oh. I dropped my head for a second, then I raised it again. With a sort of knowing laugh, I said, Whatever it is Dawn and I have, it's... exceedingly complicated.

Either you're together or not.

In those black and white categories, no, we're not together. And it would be pointless for us to be together since I'm leaving in June.

But you'll be back, right? Christmas? Vacations?

I shook my head slowly. Probably not. Things ended badly with my mom, and I've got family up north who actually want me around. That's why I picked the school up there. All of the schools I applied to were up there.

And...?

Maybe I'm not comfortable talking about this right now.

Ducky sort of cuffed my chin with a finger. Believe it or not, I still care. Even I said some horrible things to you five months ago that I may or may not have meant.

Whatever. I laughed. You don't say anything you don't mean. You just don't say what you mean most of the time.

He looked a little sheepish. I do say things I don't mean. All the time, but, yeah, I don't usually say what I what I mean, but this time I am. So listen. You leave, and it's going to suck. Dawn will still be here. It would make things a lot easier on me, free up my schedule, if you dug through the exceedingly complicated.

I get it. I can't believe I'm getting girl advice from you.

He laughed. The song was over. Ducky and I hugged.

Thanks for the dance, he said. He walked back to Kevin.

Dawn took my arm. Have fun?

Yeah. You?

It was okay.

What did you and Macon talk about?

We talked about what you and Ducky could possibly be talking about.

He was giving me some very good advice about women.

Dawn laughed like I was joking. We stood together like a group for a while, just talking and a girl with a camera came up. Kevin greeted her, so I guess she was from student activities.

You guys have been together all night. I have to get a photo of you for the yearbook, she said.

So we all got in together and she took a picture.

See? That's what we get for being young and attractive, Kevin said. People want to take your picture.

There you are!

I turned around. It was Bruce and Patti.

We totally just got here, Patti said, giving me a quick hug. I realize it's after ten. Rico slave driver is officially the only member left of Vanish. We revolted.

What? Amalia came up next to me.

Oh yeah. He was trying to lock us in his garage, Bruce said. It's prom night, and he was just mad because he didn't have a date. I guess. Maybe he had a date, but she had herpes, I don't know. But finally, Patti threw her drumsticks at him, told him off, and we left.

Maggie revolted too? I asked.

Bruce gave me a funny look. You mean you didn't hear? Maggie had only been showing up when she wanted to, really spotty. So two days ago, after school Rico went over to her house, got all in her face, and she called the cops on him for harassment. Now, I heard that when the police were dragging him into the car, he called her a psychotic bitch and that she'd never work in the music business again.

I think we should send Rico to a psych hospital, Patti said.

He's stressed and a freak show, Amalia agreed. Maybe he should go join James' band.

That's what I suggested, Bruce replied.

Another hour later, the dance was winding down, so we started off toward, what was promised to be, the best after prom party.

I don't want to go to Derek Thompson's house, Dawn said. The last time I talked to him, he basically threatened me. I-

Wait, what? When?

After the fight with Mary Anne. Back in, what was it? February?

Why didn't you tell me?

She shrugged. Christian came and rescued me. It wasn't a big deal. It's easy to avoid Derek at school.

I felt stunned. I shouldn't have felt stunned. Sure, she told Christian. He was her boyfriend at the time. Why wouldn't she have told him?

I don't mind, Dawn was saying.

Don't mind what? I asked.

Going to his party. You'll be there to protect me, and Mary Anne won't be there, so who cares, right?

Right, I replied.

She put her hand on my arm. You okay?

Fine. You okay?

Great. Let's go.

The party was PACKED. I don't think I realized how many people went to Vista until just two years (and a few extras) were packed into one, slightly larger than average house.

When it comes time for someone in my grade to host a party, we're going to have it at Maggie's, Dawn said.

Hear, hear! Amalia replied.

We had only been at the party for maybe twenty minutes when Dawn grabbed my hand.

I'm ready to go, she said.

Why? We just got here.

She looked at me with huge eyes. You know who is here.

Who?

You know!

I do? How should I- not Mary Anne?

Yes, Mary Anne! Dawn tugged on my sleeve. Can we just go now? I realize that it's early, but I don't want to cause a scene.

Let me tell Amalia.

Thanks, Justin.

Dawn hung out by the door while I found Amalia.

Hey, we're gonna go. Mary Anne is here, I said.

We can go ahead and leave too, Amalia said.

No, don't worry about it. Stay and have fun. We'll be back at my house. Just call whenever you get in, and I'll bring Dawn over. Okay?

She nodded. Okay, then. I'll see you guys later, then.

I went to the door, took Dawn by the elbow, and the two of us walk outside.

Oh, god. If I had to face Mary Anne in there, I would have just died. Dawn ran her hands though her hair. Am I totally avoidant because I wouldn't face her?

No, you didn't want to cause a scene. Besides, you're going to be spending your summer with her. This is prom. You shouldn't have to spend it around people you don't want to be around.

And spend it with the people I do want to be around?

Exactly.

I drove over to that diner by my house. I hadn't been there since I took Maggie there... that seemed like years ago. Back before Ducky and I broke up.

My senior year has been split into two sections. Ducky and Dawn. One isn't better than the other, just different. If it feels that way now, the split year, it probably will forever.

Okay, so we got some weird looks, showing up at the 24 hour, greasy diner in our prom clothes. Dawn giggled and I had to laugh. I got a chicken sandwich. Dawn got a salad. She ate some of my fries.

She reached her hand across the table and put it on top of mine. I've known you for almost two years. And only really known you for about five months, so I don't know what the peak of your high school experience was, but I've still got three more years to go, and I don't know what's going to top this.

I'm sure you'll have something, I said. The dance was fun, but the party got sort of ruined.

Oh, god, yeah. I'm just SO glad that I didn't have to face her. I can't believe she was there.

You probably could have had your back to her all night and she'd never know it was you. Did you even tell your mom about your haircut?

Dawn paused. No, I didn't. Jeff might have, if he wasn't totally self involved, so chances are, she has no idea.

He's an eleven year old boy. Of course he's self involved.

Besides, Mary Anne is so self involved she wouldn't have heard even if Mom DID say something.

I realized that Dawn's hand is still on mine. I flipped my hand over, so it's palm up. I grasped her hand and gave it a squeeze.

She gave me a strange look. Not a bad look, but something I can't read. As she stares at me, I figured it out. If there wasn't a table and half a greasy chicken sandwich between us, she would probably be kissing me right now.

We need to go, I said.

She nodded.

I paid the bill and we walked out to the car. Before we parted ways to go to our respective sides of the car, Dawn held hard onto my hand, pulled me to her and kissed me.

I've never been kissed by a girl.

Well, I mean, like the girl being the forward one, to make that first big kiss. It's always been me to make that move. Maybe Dawn was bold were I wasn't, but it was nice. It was better than nice.

We stopped kissing and looked at each other.

I should probably take you home, I said.

Her shoulders dropped. WHAT?

I don't want to make a mistake, and if we go back to my big, empty house, we'll make a mistake. I don't doubt it for a second.

Dawn didn't react at first. Then she nodded. You're probably right.

I drove Dawn back to her house.

I'll call Amalia when I get home, I said.

Oh, yeah. Amalia. Dawn smiled a little nervously. So, should I be kissing you, or something?

You're getting insecure now?

She laughed. I guess so.

I leaned down and kissed her cheek. You know that this timing is horrible and we're not going anywhere, right?

I felt her nod against my cheek.

There's not any reason for us to start something, just for it to be over.

She nodded again.

We were quiet for a long while. Then Dawn asked me something really weird.

What did you say to Maggie?

Maggie? I repeated.

Yeah. She said that you told her something that gave her the idea that you liked me. Like... that. Like this.

My mind went back to the last time I talked to Maggie. Her in the car (the car we were in right at that moment), and... did I say Dawn's name? Is that even possible? No wonder she was so offended. She might have understood, even in her drunken state if I'd had said Ducky's name, but Dawn must have just come out of left field.

I don't know, I lied.

I certainly couldn't tell Dawn what had happened. Since I would have the explain the whole situation. Not only did I not want to go into that, especially not when we were having such a nice moment, but I sort of figured that Maggie wouldn't want me to tell anyone about it either.

Dawn shrugged. Oh well. So, what now?

I guess you get out of the car, and we call each other tomorrow, I said.

That seems anti-climatic.

Yeah, kinda.

She smiled and leaned toward me. She put her hands on either side of my face and kissed me. We kissed for, I don't know how long, when something in my pants began to vibrate.

We both jumped.

What is that? Dawn asked.

My cell phone! I said, reaching into my pocket.

Oh, god, I thought, hell, it vibrates, I'm coming with you to college.

I started laughing, and I had to wait until I had calmed down enough to answer. Finally, gasping a breath, I flipped open the phone. It was Amalia.

Hello?

Hey, Justin, we're getting ready to leave, she said.

What time is it? I asked.

Were you asleep or something? It's almost two in the morning. You said to call, right?

Right! Yeah, I'll bring Dawn right over.

You weren't asleep. What were you two doing?

Nothing! I don't think I convinced her, because she started laughing at me. Dawn started laughing at me too. I wonder what the look on my face was, because she was pointing at me.

Right, right. Byyyye.

I closed the phone. I guess you're going back over to Amalia's.

Dawn nodded. Okay, then.

And then you can gossip because I think she wants details.

I don't kiss and tell.

I drove over to Amalia's. Before Dawn got out, she took a hold of my wrist in a gentle way that sent chills up me.

I know it's supposed to be nothing, but I'm still here for another two weeks. Just something to think about, okay?

Night, Dawn, I said.

She smiled. Night, Justin.

She got her overnight bag out of the back seat and went in. Amalia was waiting by the door.

I don't know what this is bringing, probably nothing but heartache, but I don't know. Maybe it's worth it. Maybe it's not. Sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn something in this life.

Getting involved with Dawn, especially for just two weeks, is probably a mistake. It's probably just going to hurt both of us in ways we don't want to get hurt.

I don't like going into a situation knowing it's going to be a mistake. That's why I didn't take Dawn back to my house. I know that I can't avoid Dawn until she leaves, I wouldn't even want to. I don't think, though, that we can go back.


	42. Chapter Forty Two: Ducky

Chapter Forty-Two: Ducky 

June 9th   
Ducky Figures it Out

This school year has been a long road. There's still another three days left (who says June is when summer starts when school doesn't let out until the 14th), but it's over enough for you to reflect.

Life moves on. Times change, people change. Things don't always go as you planned them. Sometimes they turn out for the better. Sometimes they turn out for the worst. Sometimes your biggest fears turn out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to you. Sometimes being afraid makes you shut people out. But when it's the right people, being afraid brings you closer.

You have learned. Keep you friends close. And then, you hold them closer. Because you can't keep losing them like this.

This summer promises to be something great, with or without. You've changed, adapated. Instead of being afraid of who you are, you're actually EMBRACING who you are. It's amazing. It feels great.

Somethings aren't so great.

Today you went and saw Maggie after the GSA meeting. No one had really seen Maggie all year. It goes back to people changing. Groups of friends drift apart, and it's hard to believe that you really won't be friends forever. But you weren't willing to let a bridge burn just because there was a detour.

Wow, that was a terrible metaphor.

Anyway, you went over to her house. Despite having been there a hundred times during sophomore year and all of the summer before, you feel a little uncomfortable. Did the house get bigger? It's possible Or maybe you just got smaller. Maybe it just seems a lot more daunting.

You ring the doorbell and the housekeeper answers

"I'm looking for Maggie," you say.

"Come on in," she replies. "Maggie!"

You wonder how someone can hear someone else shout in that giant house. Then you realize that Maggie was one room away in the kitchen.

She looks even thinner than the last time you really saw her, sat down and talked to her. But she's always wearing black. She's even dyed her hair black (a new development), but it makes her look odd and pale. She's wearing those weird glasses again.

"Hi, Ducky," she says.

"Hey."

"What's going on?"

"I just wanted to see how you're doing. I've missed you."

Maggie's eyes fill with tears. Right away you see that this isn't going to be a regular visit. No cheery trading of stories over a piece of chocolate cake (even though you don't think you've EVER seen Maggie eat chocolate cake). Maggie takes you up into her room. She sits on the bed and you sit on her desk chair. For a long time, neither of you say anything.

"I did something really bad," she says. "Well, I've done a lot of bad things. In fact, I keep doing bad things. I've been doing them all year."

"What is it?"

You actually, for a second, think about Sunny. You think about her saying that you judged her, that you can't accept how people cope. You hold your breath for a moment. You hope that, whatever it is, you don't make Maggie feel that way.

"Ducky, I don't know if I can tell you. No one knows. Just my family. I mean, if it got out, it would be on every tabloid in America and Dad's credibility would go out the window. As much as you know I hate living here, living this lifestyle, I'm accustomed to it. And I wouldn't want to be the one to force my family to totally fall off the face of the Earth as Hayden Blume goes to manage a mini mart." She reachs over and clasps my hands. "No one, NO ONE can ever know. No one. Not Kevin, or Sunny, especially not Sunny, or Dawn or anyone. This is just between you and me. Mafia sense of secrecy, here."

"Okay," you say. "Should I sign a contract?"

She smiles for a moment, then goes back to her panic face. "No, I trust you, I just... wanted to stress the importance of discretion."

"I've got it."

"Okay... so, you know when... when Tyler dumped me, right? Back in February?"

You nod. It was a tabloid affair. You found it hard to believe that Tyler had changed so much, but if he left Maggie, he obviously had.

"After that, I got a little stupid. Not academically. I'm still a 4.0, but, uh, did some dumb things. Like..."

She pauses for so long, you prompt, "Like?"

"Like getting drunk at a party where I didn't know anyone, called Justin, and when he gave me a lift home, I forced a blowjob on him?" It wasn't really a question, but the way she said it made it sound like one.

"Oh. Yikes."

"Yeah. And it sort of got worse from there. I was hanging out with all those junior guys, and... I would get sort of wasted. Pot, mostly. I started using a lot..."

"Oh, Maggie. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I was so busy before, with everything, and I just... got all distracted, and I pushed everyone away, because I wasn't eating again, I was so stressed and I didn't want anyone to bother me about it. I was being stupid and selfish." She starts crying for real. You move over to the bed next to her and hold her.

After a few more minutes, she takes a couple of big, gulping breaths. "There's more."

You don't say anything. You nod.

"In April I found out I was pregnant."

You gasp. You can't help it. "What?"

She nods. "I know. Tyler started coming around, and he just wanted to talk. You know, wanted to talk? I was so stupid, and half stoned, and we got stoned together, and we had sex. Like, five times. Later I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. So, I went to Dad, and I told him I needed money for an abortion."

"Maggie," you say, holding her tighter.

"He just handed over the money and told me to use a fake name. He was still so much more concerned with his stupid career. He didn't care that his daughter, who had been fifteen for less than a month, was pregnant."

You've never been a big fan of Mr. Blume, and the way you wanted to go slug Mr. Winslow for not knowing where Sunny was for two weeks when she was just in her room, you wanted to do the same thing to Mr. Blume. Except you thought that it might be possible for you to be unable to stop. Mr. W doesn't have an excuse for being a crappy father, but at least you can somewhat, somewhere in the back of your mind, understand why he was afraid. He was afraid of being a dad alone and Sunny never told him a thing.

Mr. Blume knew exactly what was going on and he was heartless.

"So I did it," Maggie continues, "I went and I had it done. After that, I just wanted to die. I stopped eating altogether. I was practically wasting away, and... I don't know what brought me back. Desperation. A sudden weird idea that I'd just be proving everyone right by rolling over. And, well, even when I was horribly depressed, I still kept up my grades. Dying wasn't going to stop me from getting an A."

You smile. That sounds just like her. "What did you do?" you ask.

"I checked myself back in with Dr. Fuentes. She helped me so much before, that I knew she could help me again. I've been on antidepressants, but pill popping isn't unusal in this house. But I still just can't get over it. I don't care what anyone says, I feel like a murderer."

She starts to cry again and you hold her.

"Maggie," you say, "it happened once. Things got out of control, and you're young. That's why the option is there. It's not like you've had a dozen of them and you're fifteen."

She nods. "That's pretty much was Dr. Fuentes said. I think the worst part is that... I didn't really have the abortion because I thought it was the best thing. I think it's wrong, I could have put the baby up for adoption or something. I did it for no other reason than to save Dad's career. I could have killed it in a second if the press knew I had been pregnant. I hate him so much. Any sort of relationship we could have had is gone. I don't think I can forgive him. And, and, I'm not blaming him for why I was pregnant, don't think I am, but... now, even after I solved the problem, he just looks at me like I'm nothing. I should have killed him instead."

"Maggie, it-"

"Let's just talk about something good," she says.

You stay with her for another hour. You tell her about prom (well, not all the details), you talk about Kevin, you go on about the non-drama at work. You don't mention Sunny at all.

Maggie says you can go. That you don't have to spend all day with her. You say it's all right, but she insists.

"We should do something this summer," you say.

"Good, wholesome entertainment?" she asks, smiling slightly. This weird, disconnected sort of smile.

"Whatever you want."

"I'd love that. Sign me up, Ducky." She gives you a hug.

You go home. You do some homework. You finish your homework. You start digging around for the book Dawn lent you like six months ago. You go fishing under your bed, to only find an old copy of Playboy that Ted had stashed under there probably four years ago. You check the date. Yup, four years ago.

You look at the cover and think that the model should put on some clothes. You toss it up onto your desk. You'd give it back to Ted later. He's probably been looking for it. You realize that it just might be time to clean underneath your bed.

You never do find the book. So you grab a magazine (Not the Playboy) and stretch out on your bed. You're reading for maybe five minutes when there's a knock at the door. You assume it's Ted, since he's home, so you shout, "What?"

"It's me."

It's not Ted, it's Kevin. You jump up and open the door. You lean down and give him a quick kiss.

"What's up?"

"Nothing," he says. "I just wanted to see you. I should have called."

"It's okay. I wasn't doing anything."

Kevin walks into your room and spots the Playboy. He picks it up. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

"You caught me. What can I say?" You smile. "It's Ted's."

"I sort of thought so." He smiles and gets this look in his eye. You've only seen that look once, at the party after prom. Right before he practically jumped you. This time, you brace yourself.

Instead of that, though, Kevin sits on your bed. "Can we talk?"

The tone of his voice is weird, but considering he just gave you that look, you have the feeling this isn't a "it's not you, it's me" sort of conversation about to happen.

"Sure." You sit down next to him.

"Okay, I just, uh, wanted to say again that prom night was... spectaluar. I mean, I've never... ever had... not like that."

"We didn't really do anything besides kissing."

"But it was really good. You really are the best kisser. And, uh, I sort of have a confession."

"Confession?"

He nods. "I've sort of been making it out like... like the only reason I want to take it slow is for your benefit. And not just to you. I wanted to tell you about me. My past."

"You don't have to," you say. "It's okay."

"I want to. I want to make sure you know that when it reaches a point where I might just not be ready to go onto the next step, you know why."

"Okay..." You take his hand.

"Before I moved her, back when I was a freshman, I fell for this guy. I fell hard and bad. I pretty much would have done anything for him. And I pretty much did. It only lasted like six months, and... I, uh, haven't had anyone since. Or before, he's the only one. But I haven't even really dated since. And so far we're been together more or less for almost three months and we've just kissed. And I like that. I want fire and I want passion, but I don't want it so hot and so fast that it burns out."

You nod. "I totally understand. It was... sort of like that. Kind of. Before."

You're not making much sense but Kevin understands. He squeezes your hand. "I want this to last. Even if it just lasts through the summer or until we graduate next year." He pauses.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"I'm afraid if I tell you how I feel right now, it might scare you off. Or even scare me off. I fall hard, I really do, I can't help it. But I'm doing everything in my power to keep you."

You give him a hug. "I'm not going anywhere. Not right now."

The two of you kiss. And then again. And again. You've got your back against the wall, and Kevin straddles you and you kiss. It's still just kissing, but it's the best kissing you've ever had. He has his hands on your neck, your hands are on his waist.

There's another knock on the door. Kevin sits up straight.

"What?" you say.

Ted opens the door. "It's- Oh, gross. Christopher. Mom's on the phone." He throws the phone at you.

You grab it and put it to your ear. "Hey, Mom."

"Hi, Christopher. Hope I wasn't bothering you."

"Nope, just making out with my boyfriend."

Kevin starts giggling and even Mom laughs. But for totally different reasons. Mom chats in your ear while you take a particular interest in the skin on Kevin's back, slidng your hand up under his shirt. Not far. Just a new place you haven't yet touched.

He smiles, but then mouths, I'm gonna go. He points to the door.

No, you mouth back, but he's already climbing off of you.

"Mom, hang on a sec," you say, interuppting her. "Don't go."

Kevin smiles. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay, baby?"

"Okay." You kiss him. "See you, Kevin." He leaves and you put the phone back up to your ear. "I'm back."

"You weren't kidding," Mom says. "You have a boyfriend."

"Yes, I do. His name is Kevin. You would like him." You don't really know if she would or not, but you say it anyway. Maybe it will make her feel better. You can hear Dad saying something in the background. You can guess from his tone that he probably wouldn't like Kevin.

Great.

"I'm going to put Ted back on," you say. You take the phone back out to the living room.

You go back to your magazine.

June 11th

Today you escorted Dawn, Carol, and Gracie to Justin's graduation. You weren't planning on going, but when Dawn shows up at your house in a skirt and heels, you really can't say no.

"I just thought I'd ask," she says. "You don't have to come."

"I'll come. Keep you company. Let me just, uh... change."

"You look fine," Dawn says. "Really, Ducky, you always look fantastic."

So you get into the back of Carol's car next to the car seat. You tickle Gracie's feet and she laughs at you.

You arrive at the school. It's a cool outdoor ceremony. The ceremony itself is sort of boding. Susan Jones, valedvictorian, speaks, and then all the grads come up and get their diplomas. You all cheer when people you know go up.

After the ceremony, you and Dawn go meet Justin out by his car. Dawn has flowers.

"You shouldn't have, really," Justin says. He's holding his hat in one hand, taking the flowers with another. "I should be getting YOU flowers."

"For what?" she asks. She plays with the tassel on his hat.

"I don't know, it's just a guy thing. Girls get flowers."

"That is so sexist."

"Oh, yeah, you know me. That giant sexist."

She laughs.

Finally, your presense is noticed. Justin gives you one of those guy "shake your hand and turn it into a hug" things.

"Why'd she drag you along?" he asks.

"Company. Amuse the baby. Get me out of the house. I'm pretty much work, school, and sleep guy right now," you say.

"What about Kevin?" Dawn asks.

"Oh, right. Work, school, sleep, make out with my boyfriend. I'm usually pretty booked."

They both laugh.

Carol comes over, Gracie in her arms. You take Gracie without a thought.

"So what are you doing now?" Carol asks. She's looking at Dawn. Dawn looks at Justin.

"Well," Justin says, "there's parties and what not. I was hoping Dawn would come with me."

"I don't see why not."

"Mr. Schafer killing me in my sleep is a reason why not."

Carol laughs. "Go have fun. Both of you. Be safe, okay? Condoms all around."

"Carol!" Dawn says. She's half exasperated, half laughing.

"What?"

"Nothing like that is happening. And if were, you'd probably be the first to know. He's really a gentleman. Sometimes to the point of annoyance. Nothing is happening. Nothing you wouldn't do, anyway."

"I'm married."

"Nothing you wouldn't do when you were fifteen."

"That means... absolutely nothing. Promise me more."

Dawn laughs. "Nothing is happening."

"I believe you. Go have fun."

"Thanks!" Dawn gets into Justin's car. They wave at you and Carol as Justin drives off.

"Come on," Carol says, "I'll give you a lift home."

"Oh, it's okay. I can walk," you say.

"Come on," she says again. You relent and walk out to the car with her. She puts Gracie in the car seat and you sit up front.

"So how are you?" Carol asks as she pulls into traffic.

"Okay, I guess," you reply.

"How's your new boyfriend? I don't know his name, I just get my details from Dawn."

"Kevin. He's great."

"And things aren't awkward? With Justin and Dawn doing their weird sort of dating thing? I don't really know what's going on there."

"I don't know what it is either, but it's not weird. I started seeing Kevin first. It'd be hypocritical of me to disapprove. Kevin sort of made a point to not officially ask me out until he was certain that I was over Justin. It just happens that Justin and I have the same friends and are friends too. But it works out okay."

She smiles. "Good. How's Sunny? I haven't seen her in ages."

"Oh, uh, me either. We sort of had a fight. And she's holding a grudge. Well, so am I."

"A fight? What kind of fight?"

"One that involves lots of screaming and yelling. Mostly from me."

"I have a hard time seeing you screaming," Carol says. The drive from the school is short and she's already pulling into your driveway. "Why don't you just give her a call? I'm sure she misses you."

"Maybe."

"Things have been hard for her."

"She uses everything that's been hard for her as an excuse to do whatever she wants," you say.

"And that's why she needs good friends. To tell her that something is stupid, so she'll think twice."

"She didn't tell me anything. She kept her whole affair a secret. I had no idea until it was over. I found out right along with everyone else." You shrug. "She just expects everyone to give, give, give without returning the favor. It's not a friendship, it's a job."

Carol nods. "Sometimes being a friend is a job. Sometimes it's hard to keep loving someone, and sometimes it is work. But hard work is always worth it. You know, when it's your job, you always get something in return."

"Sunny expects donations."

"I guess I can't convince you. Just try and give her a call before she's gone, okay, Ducky?"

You haven't ever really been that close to Dawn's stepmother, but Sunny has. And Dawn likes her okay, so talking it out with Carol seems weird. But it also feels okay.

You say good-bye and get out of the car.

Then you walk around to the driver's side. Carol's window is down and you rest your hands on the door.

"Yeah?" she looks up at you.

"Not being friends with Sunny... it feels like there's a big weight taken off of me. I feel like I'm free or something. Does that make me a horrible person?"

"No, it just makes you human," Carol replies. She pats your hand. "Come by sometime before Dawn and Jeff leave for the summer. We'd love to have you."

You thank her.

You go inside and give Kevin a call. Just to see what's going on. School's almost over. It's time to start making plans. It's going to be good. It has to be.


	43. Chapter Forty Three: Dawn

Chapter Forty-Three: Dawn

June 17th

I'm currently on a plane to Stoneybrook. Jeff is asleep (he must have gotten NO sleep last night), so I thought I'd get out my journal. I don't need my little brother reading my less than regular exploits. I've hardly written at all in the past few weeks. I've been so busy.

Busy with Justin mostly. And the end of school, but it's so relaxed that I skipped a couple days. Not full days, just classes I don't need. Amazingly enough, I got all A's in PE. I think I've attended maybe two PE classes since January.

In the past two weeks, Justin and I have been to the beach three or four times, and we keep hanging out in Hollywood and going to clubs and stuff in LA (he's been sneaking me in, which is fun). For some reason, Dad hasn't had any problem with this. Probably because it's not like Justin and I are dating, and he likes Justin. And he doesn't know that I've been sneaking into clubs, but that's really not the point.

Justin and I keep doing these things because, while I'll be back at the end of the summer, he's probably never coming back.

Yesterday was the hardest day. It was our last day together. I went over early, around noon. There's not much sense in going over earlier, since he sleeps so late. Ever since he didn't have classes anymore, he's become a regular bum. Okay, I know he's packing and stuff, but he pretty much doesn't leave the house unless I drag him out.

I didn't bother knocking or anything. He never locks the doors and he's pretty much always expecting me. Today wasn't an exception. Justin was standing in the kitchen fixing breakfast. Pancakes and sausage.

He looked over his shoulder. "Hey! Want some food?"

"No, thanks, I ate earlier." I was slightly nauseated by the smell of sausage anyway.

"So," he said, sitting down across from me at the table with his plate. "What's the plan for today?" He drowned his poor pancakes in sugary syrup. He must have noticed some sort of odd look on my face. "After you throw up from watching me eat breakfast, I mean."

I laughed. "I don't know. The beach?"

Justin's eyes lit up. "No! I know what we're doing. Are you wearing a bathing suit?"

I nodded.

"You know my neighbors with mister sexy pool boy?"

I nodded again.

"They're out of town for the week. We can use their pool."

"We're allowed to use their pool, or we just happen to be using it while they're away?"

Justin shrugged. "They didn't say I couldn't use it."

"But they didn't say that you could."

"Right."

"That sounds sneaky."

"It is," he said, smiling.

I grinned. "I like it."

He laughed. "I have been a horrible influence on you, do you know that? When I met you, you were a nice, normal girl, and now you're..."

"Yes?" I prompted, waiting for something good.

"Not so normal." He shrugged. "Not that your eating habits were ever normal." He speared a sausage with his fork and waved it at me.

"Gross!" I said, laughing. "So we're going to climb the fence and use their pool?"

"Of course not, that would be undignified. We're going to pick the lock on their gate." Justin shoved a mouthful of saturated pancake into his mouth.

"Do you know how to do that?" I asked. I couldn't think of a time when I had picked a lock, though it was possible, from all of the detective "work" I had done in Stoneybrook. I'm pretty sure I COULD if the situation called for it.

"No. Come on, Dawn, I've lived in upper middle class suburbia all my life. When the hell would I have needed to pick a lock?"

"Then I'll do it," I said.

Justin grinned. "I AM a bad influence!"

"You are!" I giggled and decided not to bring up being a teenage detective. Justin wouldn't think it was silly to stupid, but he would certainly tease me about it. I didn't want to bring that up on our last day together.

Justin went upstairs after he was finished eating and changed into swimming trunks and brought a couple of towels down with him.

We went outside, and I paused. "Do they have any large dogs?"

"Nope. A chatty little rat of a thing that they took with them," Justin replied.

"What about the pool boy?"

"Bribe him with a threesome."

I laughed, but I couldn't help but blush a little. I picked the lock with a bobby pin that Justin had (why Justin had a bobby pin, I don't know). It was a lot easier than I was expecting it to be.

"They need a better lock," Justin said. "I should let them know."

"And tell them how you figured it out?"

"No one ever has to know."

We went into their backyard. Justin's neighbors had put a tarp over the pool, but otherwise, they left it in perfect use. We pulled back the tarp.

Justin tossed me a bottle of sunscreen. "We want a healthy California tan, not skin cancer."

"Definitely," I agreed. I plopped down on my towel and started spreading sunscreen over my arms.

"Remember this time last year?" Justin asked.

"What happened last year?"

"When you're friends... well, are you still friends with any of them? Kristy, Mary Anne, Stacey, and Claudia. It's almost to the day that they visited."

I raised my eyebrows. "That's right. I'm still friends with Stacey and Claudia, and it's good thing, or it would be a horrible summer." I paused and looked at him. "How do you remember exactly what day it was?"

"That was the same day I came out," he replied, shrugging.

"A lot has changed since then," I said.

He nodded and sat down next to me on the towel. "Probably for the best."

"I hope so. I'm really not looking forward to the summer. I don't want to spend the whole time battling with Mary Anne, avoiding her in my own house."

"You could always try and make up with her," Justin said.

"Yeah, and Hell could freeze over. I guess I'm probably going to end up hanging out with Stacey and Claudia all summer. I hope that works out okay. I hope that things don't go crazy with them, because I don't think I could handle it."

"It'll be fine," he said soothingly. He took the sunscreen from me and spread it across my back.

"It'll probably go crazy."

He laughed. "Probably."

I decided that this conversation was going downhill fast. I didn't want to think about the summer to come. At least for me. So I cleared my throat and said, "You have to be looking forward to staying in Oakland for the summer."

"Yeah, it's going to be really busy. I'll be spending most of my time trying to get settled there, and once I do, it'll be time to start school. School doesn't start until the middle of September, though. So I have plenty of time to spend with my family. That's weird. My family. I don't know the last time I could really say that and mean it." Justin looked uncomfortable. "Come on, let's swim."

So we did. We swam and splashed around. I think I prefer the beach, the sand, the ocean, but the privacy was nice. On summer days like that, right when Vista and Palo High have both let out, the beach is packed.

Especially because of what happened next. I REALLY preferred the privacy right then.

We were in the shallow section of the pool and Justin took my hand under the water. I looked at him, and we sort of stared at each other for a minute and waded a little closer to me and kissed me.

I don't know what Justin and I have been the last couple of weeks. We haven't been dating, there's no point in dating, since I'm going to be gone the rest of the summer, and when I come back, he'll be gone, but we've been something.

Either way, he kissed me, and I kissed him back.

"I'm going to miss you," he said, running his fingers through my hair.

"I'm going to miss you too," I said. "I don't know what I'm going to do when I get back. I kind of lost my friends."

"Nah, you just lost your way. You know you'll always have Ducky and Amalia. You're a lovely girl, Dawn-"

I giggled.

Justin smiled. "You can always make more friends. You should check out the GSA, they're a great bunch of people. I could shove the sports program on you. I don't think you have anything to worry about when it comes to friends. It was selfish of me to hog you all to myself the last few months."

"It's okay. I didn't mind. And those are good ideas, I think I will start going tot he GSA in the fall."

"You know that Kevin would do anything in his power to have you on Student Activities."

I laughed. "As long as I don't vote for Under the Sea of bright orange flyer's, right?"

"You have no control over that, it's all the seniors. If it sucks, you can blame it all on the seniors. Though Kevin will be a senior, so you know everything will be classy and perfect."

"I guess I shouldn't be worried," I said.

Justin shook his head and kissed me again. "No, you shouldn't. Not at all."

We got out of the pool and dried in the sun, chatting back and forth about nothing. We were always really good at that, and it killed a couple hours. We pulled the tarp back over the pool and went into Justin's yard. I had my towel wrapped around my waist, and Justin had his around his shoulders. We were holding hands as we walked around to the front of his house.

There was a car I'd never seen before parked in the driveway. It was shiny silver, and looked brand new. The only cars I'd seen nicer than that were driven by Maggie's parents. When they drove and didn't take a limo.

"Justin-"

"Sh-t," he mumbled. "My mom."

"Your mom? I thought-"

"That's what I thought too. If you want to go home-"

"No," I said, cutting HIM off this time. "I'll go with you."

We went inside and I realized that I'd never met Justin's mother. She was standing in the kitchen (that was a mess, Justin hadn't bothered to clean up from breakfast), looking annoyed.

"What are you doing here?" Justin asked.

"It's my house, I was making sure you weren't taking everything," Mrs. Randall replied.

"What do you care?"

"I care because I bought everything in this house. There are things I want out of it."

"I'll be out of it soon enough," Justin snapped. I'd never heard him sound so nasty in my life.

"That's not what I meant. I want my dishes, I want my living room set, and the dining room set."

"I already packed most of the dishes, sorry. But the furniture you can have," Justin said. "I'm taking the downstairs TV, the one in my room is shit."

They sort of sounded like my parents splitting up all of their belongings after their divorce.

Mrs. Randall sighed. "Justin, this isn't what I wanted out of this. I hoped that we could-"

"Hug and it'll all be better?"

"Well, no. I thought we could be civilized."

I squeezed Justin's hand, and he sort of jumped. I think he had forgotten I was there. He looked at me, and I tried to send a sympathetic face. Something that said "At least give her a chance."

He sighed, but he didn't listen, or maybe he didn't read it correctly. "Mom, we've passed that place. We passed it a long time ago. I don't know why couldn't just let me leave in peace. We're not going to make up, and no matter why you showed up here, I can't really forgive you for anything. The least I can do is hope that you respect that. All I ask of you right now, is that you leave."

She stared at him, and I couldn't blame her. Justin had told me the odds and ends of his relationship, or lack of, with his mother, and I knew that it wasn't good. I don't know why she was there, maybe to make amends. She probably expected him to yell at her. It had to be even worse to hear him speak to her calmly, like an adult.

Justin stared back at her, but he didn't say anything.

She walked past him, and as she did, she paused, and said, "You've become an adult and I can't take any credit for it." And then she left. I could hear her sniffling as she did.

"You just made your mother cry," I said. I didn't mean it as a judgment, it was a statement of fact. In case he wasn't aware.

Justin let go of my hand and sat down at the kitchen table. "I know. It's not the first time." He was quiet for a moment and slammed the flat of his hand against the table. "Why the hell did she show up here? What did she think it was going to prove? It did nothing, she made her effort too damn late!"

I sat down next to him. I didn't know what to say, I'd never been in a situation where my parents just didn't care. My parents live on opposite ends of the country and no matter where I am, I know that they care. Even my step-parents, I know that they care. I can't even imagine what it's been like for Justin.

"Maybe I should go," I said softly.

"No," he said, sounding normal for the first time. "Don't. It's your last day here. After the airport tomorrow-"

"Oh, Justin, you shouldn't come to the airport," I said.

"I shouldn't?"

"With my family, and it'll be embarrassing. Besides, the last time I see you, I want to kiss you, and I'm not going to do that in front of my father. And it's going to be like six in the morning, and I know you. You're going to be going to bed at six in the morning. Let's just do this now, and do this here."

He nodded. "Okay."

We didn't do much for the rest of the day. We went over to my house and Justin helped me pack. I had everything organized, just not in my suitcase. It's so hard to pack for two months.

"I got you something," Justin said. "Hang on a second, it's out in my car."

I waited, bouncing on my bed, unable to contain my excitement. What could Justin have gotten for me?

He came back in with a brown paper bag. "It's guy wrapping."

I laughed and took it. I opened the bag and it was a brand new journal. Most of my journals are notebooks. I have a nice one that the BSC (when we were the BSC) gave me when I spent some time in California before I moved out here for good.

"Is this leather?" I asked, fingering the cover.

"Yeah, it was the only thing that wasn't cheesy. I figured, I was the one who spent the money on it. It's not like you bought it. And you can tell everyone that I bought it for you, and you're not promoting the death of cows at all," Justin said. He sat next to me on the bed. "I wanted to get you something nice."

"You shouldn't have," I said. "It's not like I got you something."

"That's not true," he said. He leaned over and kissed me. It was such a nice kiss and then we got interrupted. Thankfully, it was by Carol.

"Hey, guys- whoooooops!"

We pulled away pretty quickly.

I coughed. "Yeah?"

"It's time for dinner, if Justin wants to stay, that's fine," Carol said. She gave me a great big wink and left.

"Well, that was humiliating," I said.

"Not that bad," Justin replied. He took my hand. "Can I stay for dinner?"

"Definitely."

After dinner, Justin and I stood outside. I was leaning against his car, and he was leaning against me. I could practically hear Carol shoo-ing Dad away from the window. Seriously, what were we going to do outside in plain view of all of our neighbors.

"It's weird to think that when I get back, you won't be here," I said. "You won't be here, Sunny won't be here."

"Sunny?" Justin asked. "Are you worried about Sunny?"

"I am. I've spent the last two years doing nothing but worry about Sunny. It'll be kind of nice to not have that worry anymore. I can concentrate on my life instead of making sure she's not dead or screwing up her's. Not that I did a very good job of it."

"It was never your job to make sure Sunny didn't screw up," Justin said.

"I promised her mother I'd look after her," I said.

"Then shame on Mrs. Winslow," he said, and I nearly gasped. "She should have never given you that responsibility. Sunny's life is Sunny's life and you can't control it. She would have rebelled even more if you had tried. Really, in the last six months where you and Sunny haven't really been friends, has your life been any harder?"

"Not really," I admitted.

Justin took me in his arms and changed the subject. "It's going to be weird that tomorrow you won't be here. I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," I said.

We kissed, and then Justin got in his car. We didn't say good-bye. He waved and I waved back and went inside.

"You okay?" Carol asked.

"I'm fine," I replied. It was the truth.

I finished packing and went to bed.

It's a long flight to Stoneybrook. It's going to be a long summer.

But I'll make it. 


	44. Epilogue: Sunny

Epilogue: Sunny 

6/22

I'm on a plane to Atlanta right now. One nice thing that Atlanta has that you don't find in a lot of other places: direct flights. No switching flights, no layovers, you can't beat that.

Okay, you could. You could beat it by NOT going to Atlanta. You could beat it by not going to go check out a private girl's school and living with Aunt Morgan.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but Dad's been talking to the Headmistress and Aunt Morgan went to the school, and everyone seems really impressed. Apparently lots of troubled girls have come out and become normal, functioning members of society.

I'm apparently troubled, un-normal and non-functioning. And useless to society.

My ego has been reduced to nothing.

Dad is sitting next to me, he's asleep. He's snoring at an embarrassing volume. I wish I could have gone alone. If I move here, I'll be taking this flight alone, I might as well get used to it.

I knew, even before Lew, that this would end up being my fate. I screwed up a long time ago, when everything went screwed up with Mom, before that, maybe. I was falling and I couldn't save myself, when I tried and when I looked in all the wrong places.

I'd never admit this to anyone, not Dad, not Dawn, not Ducky, but I'm sort of glad I'm getting out of Palo City. I'm glad that I can get away from everyone who knows exactly how I screwed up a million times. Sure, I'll be around a bunch of girls who will have known that I screwed up, but they're probably just as screwed as me.

My biggest regret is Ducky. I fell into my own trap with Lew. The whole thing with Alex was just a big mistake. Dawn? Dawn and I have been over since forever. Since they moved the eighth grade into the high school building. The demise of Dawn and me, it was bound to happen. Ducky, though, Ducky I might have been able to salvage if I hadn't been so stubborn.

I didn't even call him before I left. I know I'll be back in Palo City to get my things once we find me a school, and I shouldn't have any pride left. Maybe we'll have a nice, awkward conversation over fries and Cokes and at least know that we'll send each other post cards for the next six months until we get too busy with our lives.

I hope that I'll be able to come back at the end of the next school year and see Ducky graduate.

Maybe by that time, he won't care. Maybe by that time I won't care either. I don't know.

I don't really have much left in Palo City except a bunch of horrible memories.

Maybe this will be okay.

I can only hope so.

Dear Justin,  
I hope this gets to you before you leave Palo City. It should only take a couple of days, right? They'll forward it if it doesn't, I hope.  
So far my first few days in Stoneybrook have been okay. Mary Anne and I have been ignoring each other. She's a killer with the silent treatment. I'm not that good at it. Even though I'm still holding a grudge,I sometimes slip. Not that I'm trying to strike up conversation, but she won't even say "pass the salt." Apparently she and Derek broke up when she was in Palo City for prom, but that hasn't brought up an air of forgiveness.  
I don't know if I'd be likely to forgive her anyway. But at least that means there won't be surprise Palo City visits in her future, so no more 7-11 repeats.  
On the bright side, hanging out with my friends here has been a lot of fun. I think we're going to be heading into New York City for a few days while I'm here and stay with Stacey's dad.  
It's weird, a year ago, I never would have thought that I'd be not speaking with Mary Anne and hanging out with people I used to think of as enemies (Cokie and Grace, not Stacey and Claudia, of course). I would have thought that the things we're doing are wild, but even Claudia's smoking, it doesn't seem to bother me that much. Well, except for the damage she's doing to her body, but the act of it. I know we talked about this, but it seems so weird.  
Anyway, this is turning into a novel. I really wish you could come out here, even for just a couple of a days, even though I know you can't. I miss you, and you better write me back soon!  
Love,  
Dawn

Dear Ducky,  
Here's a postcard from Atlanta. Everything here is going fine. Well, as fine as it can. Even though it looks like I'll be moving here, Dad and I went to the Coke museum and when I saw this post card, it made me think of you, and I had to get it. Even if you may not want it.  
-Sunny

Dear Claudia,  
I'm writing this on a postcard so you can read it, even if you return it like you have all of my letters and packages, and I'm guessing that's a sign that you're no longer interested in me or the songs I've written you. So this is the last thing I'll be sending you (unless you write back!). I'm just letting you know that I give up. You win.  
Love,  
Rico P.S. I hope all your STD tests came back clear.


End file.
